To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

5 days post cough is fine.

However, I'd keep the visit brief and if she coughs at all, I'd immediately take the baby into another room and not let her have further contact with it at this time.

It sounds like there are other issues here. I'd keep her visit very brief, especially as it is clear from the post that she is not going to be helping or offering support, but rather, asking more from you than you are prepared to give at this time.

If she needs waited on, that should fall on your DH.

Probably less devastated than I would if my grandchild caught an infection off me.
a granny can wait a few days, won’t do much damage to her compared to damage to a newborn’s lungs that an infection can do.

@MyLittleNesther visit will be half a day, basically from 10-11ish until late afternoon, maybe 5ish. They don’t come for shorter durations because it takes them just over 2hrs to get here.

@Banaghergirlyep, that sounds like your dad is an adult with a brain. My parents would be the same.

What infection?

And your parents could be carrying all sorts of infections that you don't know about. Symptom free =/= non-contagious.

So much hyperbole @tornmama. A sore throat your mum had when you were pregnant potentially “putting you in danger”. “Damage to a newborn lungs” from a cough that ended 5 days ago.

Do you generally suffer from health anxiety?

Yes, what if you ban her from visiting in case the cough is lingering and by the time she does come she's incubating something else? How will you ever know it's safe?

You won't - the only way would be never to let anyone see your baby, and you're not doing that so honestly I think you have to get over yourself and accept this grandmother is coming round, either now or soon.

Op your making excuses.
You dont like her.

DH will be back at work soon. You can't keep your toddler cooped up at home while he works. You will need to get baby out n about very soon.

You obviously dont like her and have made up your mind so why bother posting

All of your responses OP are doubling down on your position being correct. People offering different views are being shut down so you are not really after that input.
Ultimately, if you don't want your MIL to visit or hold the baby then you are entitled to that view. Your husband is entitled to disagree with you and insist his mother visits. You need to resolve with your husband.

DOI - I’m a hospital medical dr (not paeds)

you can still be contagious for 1/52 after cough fully resolved (if due to cold). But ultimately it’s difficult to say, unless you know cause for the cough.
eg my mum has a chronic cough due to post nasal drip (so not infectious).
the cough may have resolved, but doesn’t she still have a sore throat, runny nose etc?

ultimately, it feels like this comes down to a trust issue. You’d trust your family to be honest about what symptoms they had and duration - but not MIL (due to past experiences).

a newborn has such a vulnerable immune system anyway, let alone a baby that was in NICU (I hope you’re both doing well now btw!)

Parents are equal, but at this v early stage - people have to listen to the mum.
if you’re not comfortable, that’s reason enough.
id explain to your partner, concerns about MIL downplaying illnesses in the past and concerns re wearing a mask, wanting to hold baby and I don’t know if she’s try to touch/kiss baby’s face also.

i think it’s reasonable to ask her to hold off visiting for a little bit longer, if she will insist on holding baby.
i know if i was in your position - my parents would be like yours (no problem waiting to hold baby and wear a mask. Hell they’d even wear a FFP3 and gown up if I asked them to!)

Newborns are so delicate, especially NICU babies, if you’re not comfortable visitors won’t follow your instructions with your baby then you’ll well within your rights to ask them not to come yet. And your partner should support you on this.
it’s not worth it to risk baby’s health.

Make a date with her. You are not unreasonable for wanting her not to spread illness to your baby. However, coughs can linger for weeks post infection hence why they put a limit on the isolation period after a positive covid test, not just said you had to self isolate while you still had ANY symptoms. Of course she is going to be upset and so is your husband, if you say she can't meet the baby for months which is how long a residual, non-infectious cough can linger for. They are both totally justified to be upset, and sending your older child to nursery where he will probably meet new bugs everyday shows you are not really that worried about the baby,

tornmama You say your parents help out when they come to see you but is that because they are obviously made welcome and feel comfortable? Maybe your MIL would like to bustle around, make her own tea and help you out with some housework etc but doesn't feel able to do so. You sound pretty prickly towards her. I wonder what your reaction would be if she did try to do that? 🤔

Well you’ve already made your mind up @tornmamaand you’re ignoring the vast majorly who say YABU. Guess this thread didn’t go the way you’d hoped, huh?

A lot of Mumsnet users think the baby’s dad’s parents should be treated equally or better than the baby’s mum’s parents. My parents visited baby pretty much straightaway as I was not in a good way and I was the patient. In laws hated this and were awful to me. We’re NC now.

I think YABU because 5 days after a cough she’s hardly likely to be infectious- someone without any symptoms is more likely to give your newborn a bug. And unless you’re all staying in the house in quarantine for the rest of the winter and screening all visitors then the risk is there.

It’s also completely obvious to me that you don’t like your DH’s parents and are using this as a chance to get your own back. I suspect your DH and MIL see this too.

What I would do is invite them but then if MIL is obviously more ill than she said get your DH to take them out (agree this in advance) or take the baby out in the pram
almost instantly.

OP has a newborn and doesn’t want to host her in laws all day which is understandable. Baby cuddles can wait.

When you took your baby home from hospital, did they advise you to keep him/her away from anyone who'd recently had a cold? Because basically that's your answer, surely?

It's not at all unreasonable.

I've had 3 nicu babies.

I would completely respect my daughter in laws request if I was the grandmother in this situation.

I would not be offended or selfishly bully my way in due to petty jealousy of the other grandparents. I would also never dream of sitting on the sofa expecting to be waited on either.

They are a baby, not a museum exhibit or a toy. She can wait.

Hope you feel better soon ❤️

Edited to add - just because there is a chance that other people in the household could bring home germs easily, doesn't mean you knowingly increase that risk. Also, it is not actually recommended to expose babies to germs to "build their immune system". Our neonatal consultant just about fell over at the suggestion by a family member once 😂

I wouldn't want anyone visiting until the baby is much stronger.
You have been through a real hard time and if that baby catches something it will be you dealing with it, not granny that is 2.5 hours away.

I would just say its not happening and your husband can either support you or you will be moving back home to stat at your parents.
And mean it.

Very hostile attitude given that her parents have been visiting freely. Either no one visits or everyone who is fit and well visits and by the sounds of it the parents in law are fit and well

The husband can of course go and get his child and bring her back home, she doesnt have the right to remove his child from him any more than he does. He could take his child to visit his parents if he wanted, albeit the journey is too long really, but he can do that, he has the right to do that

Thats the sort of tit for tat you get into with an attitude like you are proposing.

The baby is at least a week old, and the OP is apparently not even prepared to set a date! Plus is using the MIL’s cough 5 days ago as an excuse. And the newborn has met her parents apparently without issue (in flu season, when no one knows who is carrying what germs before symptoms show). And it’s quite clear that the OP doesn’t like her.

Plus it sounds as though the family have been through a lot, perhaps the dad needs a bit of support from his parents too (agree that mum should be the priority but she’s already had her parents there).

I wouldn’t agree to the whole day, but I think a quick visit before DH takes the MIL
and older child out for lunch isn’t too much to ask.

She doesn't need to host them, her DH can do that.

How is it ok for OP’s parents to be around the baby and not the DH’s? Are her side of the family germ free?
Terrible advice. Awful attitude.

There's no reason to think a future DIL will dislike you unless you are a particularly difficult person.

Why would you mind that she favours her own parents?

Wouldn't the worry be that your son would also?