To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

Are your children girls or boys?

Because if they are boys, then you could find yourself in this position one day, where your new grandchild's mother sees you as a massive PITA and her own parents will be perfect and faultless...

You come across as avoiding her seeing the baby all together. Your older child has no right to stop her visiting her grandchild on a basis they don’t like her. She’s entitled to a social call as you call it to meet her grandchild. If she is fully recovered she is no risk to your baby. You obviously don’t like her.

She isn't entitled to that at all. Especially if it involves OP hosting her because it sounds like DH doesn't do much of anything.

Maybe if DH stepped up, OP would feel differently or maybe OP would feel differently if MIL didn't expect to be hosted.

I am not looking forward to the day my two sons marry.

She wants cups of tea, not a three course meal. Which most people would want after a long drive. Can't the OP just tell her dh that he needs to do this, as she will be on the sofa trying to rest

People are more contagious in the beginning of an illness, not five days post symptoms! Yabu.

OP - am I being unreasonable?

Lots of posters - yes you are
OP - no I’m not.

You don’t like her and don’t want her visiting and cough is a poor excuse. At least own it!

I would just say no. Your parents visited you to help you out, not for their own desire to hold the baby. Their visit served you, not them and that’s how it should be.

It sounds like your in laws potential visit would be for their own desire to see the baby and not to help you out. It’s not wrong for them to want to meet their grandchild of course, but they should also be thinking about how they can help especially with the circumstances.

So for that reason alone I would not want to host people and entertain them with my new baby when feeling vulnerable, let alone if those people could potentially cause more problems by bringing an illness.

perfectly reasonable to request no visits whatsoever for a few weeks until you’ve all recovered from what sounds like a stressful time. Your child will have the rest of their whole life to be visited by people.

Im sure MIL wouldn't be too offended if Op pointed her in the direction of the kettle.

The whole keeping her at a distance is cruel. And no wonder relationships are frosty if that's the way MIL has been treated for years.

I've never had the greatest of relationships with my MIL. Very rarely do I take a MILs side on MN but keeping her away because of a non-existent cold is cruel.

DH is a wet lettuce if he let's his wife treat his mum like that too.

Women like this though can make their husband's life a misery and why it's almost like blackmail to keep quiet.

I don’t know why you are acting like wanting to hold the baby (her grandchild) is so unreasonable. It’s not. It’s perfectly normal to want to hold the new baby. I don’t know anyone who would make other people sit and look at their baby and not hold it.

YABVU. She's 5 days symptom free, also far more likely to be contagious at the beginning of an illness, so potentially a greater risk from you, DH, your other child, your parents etc.
I had severe health anxiety when DS was born and its an awful feeling but you sound like it's much more than that, it's clear you just really dislike them.

Expecting to cuddle a new grandchild or having a cup of tea as a guest are both more than reasonable.
Being so controlling as to tell your husband when his parents can visit his own child, and stopping your child from attending nursery is worrying behaviour.

I think 5 days post cough is questionable, she could viably still be carrying a virus. If I was your MIL I would rather wait an extra week than risk infecting my precious new grandchild. Incidentally is she likely to accept the no kissing rule, which is pretty standard advise now regardless of the visitors health status. I didn't kiss my GS until he was a year and even then it was top of the head not on his face. We are extremely close and this didn't stop lots of lovely cuddles or us bonding. Medical advise typically changes over the years, and I will always take my lead from my son and DIL. Their child their rules.

Spot on.

If you have a son hopefully he'll make it this difficult for you to see your future grand baby.

Oh dear!You don't like your MIL do you?Any excuse for her not to see her grandchild. No wonder your husband is upset. Your parents come and stay. They could have a virus which hadn't yet shown itself. But your husbands mum isn't allowed to visit because she had a cold but is now better.

Yes but her son wants his mum to visit. If he is happy she should be allowed to,especially as PP parents cams and stayed several days.

I think most reasonable people think that the dads parents should be treated equally yes, why wouldn’t they be as they are actually equal in respect of their relationship with the baby whether you like it or not. And a son has just as much right to a relationship with his parents as a daughter does. One can’t help hoping that people with your attitude have all boys and in the fullness of time they all marry absolute bitches.

😱

Agreed, it comes across as you not wanting them to visit, maybe you have reasons, but if it comes across like that to us, a bunch of strangers, then she's bound to pick it up too. For the record I was ill with a chest infection after I had DD, no one to look after her but me while Dh was at work, - she didn't catch it from me

How many days are you comfortable with? I could understand it might be harsh you were asking her not to visit for a couple of weeks but I expect we're talking a matter of a few extra days. So what does it matter for them to wait? Don't feel bad about parents seeing the baby before MIL. Naturally your more comfortable having your own family round at your most vulnerable.

I'd really never heard of IL's demanding cups of tea until I started reading Mumsnet...is this really a thing ?

Surely it's just good manners if a visitor has arrived from a long journey that they are offered a cuppa? It doesn't need to be the OP, her husband (their adult child!) is fully capable of operating a kettle.

how much longer are you proposing?