To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

Yes, I’m usually all for getting DC used to nursery and being exposed to germs, but if I had a baby in NICU I’d probably also have kept the older one out until the summer. Seems very sensible to me.

I’d probably let MIL round but she needs to be honest about her health. If she’s still coughing she stays away.

If she turns up and starts coughing she goes home. DH needs to make that clear.

Can you call her what she is. She's the baby's grandmother.

And why do you get more day than your husband?

Does her husband not get a say in when his mother meets and visits his child?

Strange that it's always the MIL who is not welcome. How would your Mum feel if it was her not being welcome .

I had a cough for quite a number of years after a lingering virus, I suffer with sinus problems and chronic cough. Im mainly coughing all the time although it was worse up until a couple of years ago

Coughs can go on for ages, weeks, months and for some of us years.

@tornmama if you ask them, will they wash their hands before holding the baby? Any sign of coughing and I’d grab the baby away very quickly.

How this situation is managed will set the scene for your relationship with your MIL moving forward. It comes across that you dislike her and simply don’t want her to visit. That will be extremely obvious to her if it isn’t already. Your parents have seen their grandchild and so should your MIL.

It’s fine if you don’t like your MIL and are not keen on her visiting, however you need to come up with a better excuse than that. You have actually provided several weak ones and your attitude towards her shows. I’m not saying you need to love her or like her (I had the same feelings towards mine) but you need to let her see the baby or come up with a solid excuse for now out of respect for your DH. Your arguments are very weak and transparent.

Ha I’m thinking that too. It’s quite a sad thought, isn’t it?

You need to get a grip. You've never forgiven them for coming to see you with the tail end of a cold. 🙄

Isn't it just and the parents of daughters never over step the mark or make grandparent mistakes. Funny that.

Agree...they no longer have a cold, and as said your other DC will possibly catch every bug going.

You are not the baby's only parent.

Feel for your DH that his parents aren't allowed to visit his DC.

@Nevereatcardboardyes they’ll wash hands but no mask and they would insist on holding the baby. My issue is that once she’s coughed on the baby then it’s too late, she’s already coughed on the baby.
and of course - at the first cough she would be out of the door within half a minute, coats will follow, no need to waste time putting them on indoors before exiting.

The relationship between a DIL and MIL is important. This is the mother of the person you love. The grandmother of your children. She is important and if treated with the respect she deserves, will be your ally. I know there are bad MIL’s out there, but the majority just want to remain close to their son and see them happy and fulfilled with their own wife and children. Drop the competitive shit (because that’s where this crap stems from) and allow them to be part of that. You may find they are not the monster you think they are.

I think there are a whole bunch of reasons, and I'd probably share them, why you don't want her coming round. But also, she's going to continue being annoying and inconsiderate the whole time she's your children's grandmother and your husband's mother, so unfortunately you're going to have to make your mind up to some irritating visits over the years. If you make a big deal about this one and you win, you're just going to have to deal with it all again sooner rather than later.

Totally OTT in my opinion.

And yes, eldest might not be in nursery but presumably will be going to toddler groups, soft play etc. unless you self isolate at home (which wouldn't be fair) then your baby will come into contact with snotty toddlers.

Given grandma isn't even ill and hasn't been coughing for 5 days now I think you're being silly.

Ok so it's clear now from your update. You just don't want your MIL visiting.

Why have you started this thread?

@jamandcustardbecause in my family sick people don’t visit each other, even if there’s no babies involved. If I turned up to my parents’ house coughing my lungs out (we are excluding situation where I am sick enough to need round the clock care and have turned up to their house as I am too sick to look after myself, I mean the flu or a cold) they’d be absolutely baffled. Why would I come to infect them?
similarly my mum, dad, sister, wouldn’t come to my house when they’re ill. During my pregnancy I was meant to take my mum out for lunch to a restaurant we’d been meaning to go for a while. She cancelled because her throat felt off and she thought she was getting ill. Ofc she wouldn’t come to see her heavily pregnant daughter and put me in danger?

People are different, I guess. If I cancelled on my pregnant daughter because my throat felt off and I thought I might be getting ill, she'd be baffled and hurt. Your family aren't necessarily the normal ones!

Because a cough doesnt always mean an infection, in most cases it doesnt mean an infection. A cold is not necessarily an infection.

Some people are more prone to the throat tickling and being a cough than other people.

I cant even eat spicy food without a hacking cough for around 20-30 minutes afterwards. It takes my breath away and makes my eyes water.

Nuts and lettuce can also have a similar effect on me. Some people are just coughers.

Your attitude stinks.

I kind of agree with her on that, what risk would there have been from taking a mask off for a photo?

I think it's fine to have her wait a bit longer but I would give her a day where she can come so she isn't left just wondering. If you'd be the one running around after her then you get the final say in my opinion.

Nothing wrong with feeling cautious around those who have recently been unwell and are known for saying they feel fine when something is still lingering.

Having a child in NICU is terrifying, of course you are going to be protective.

It also is perfectly fine that you have seen your mum, especially since she is helpful and doesn't expect you to host her. She's also your mum and of course you want her after everything you've been through.

My dad had been ill just before my sister had her baby. Dad wouldn't have dreamt of being near the baby in case she caught anything so he came to sister's house and looked at the baby from outside through the lounge window. Her husband's parents visited and held baby etc as they hadn't been ill and my dad wasn't jealous at all, his no.1 priority was baby's health. He more than made up for it after he was better. It's your baby, do what you feel is best for her.