To ask MIL to wait longer before visiting newborn if she’s recently had a cough?

[tornmama]

We’ve just brought our newborn home after a week in NICU.

My MIL would like to visit soon, but she’s only just recovered from a cough (about 5 days symptom-free, described what she had 5 days ago as a “residual cough”). She says she feels fine now.

Given baby’s recent NICU stay, I’m not comfortable with visitors who’ve recently been unwell, even if symptoms have mostly resolved. If the baby became ill, it would fall to me to manage hospital visits, feeding disruption, and recovery, whilst also looking after our older child.

To avoid a drip feed, my parents have met the baby but the visit was brief, everyone was clearly well and they’re my parents - they came to care and look after me, and cheer me up after what was quite a traumatic birth and a worrying NICU stay, not expecting me to host and make them cups of tea whilst plastering on a smile. I’m also not convinced MIL is fully recovered yet as she tends to brush it away as “oh it’s just the end of a cold” before erupting in a coughing fit, on previous occasions, when I’ve said don’t come to visit us (pre baby) as none of us are keen to be ill, unless you’re 100% healthy.

My older child isn’t particularly keen on her visits and there’s no practical support or benefit for us from an early visit, it would mainly be a social call.

My husband thinks I’m being overcautious and that five days after a cough is sufficient.

AIBU to ask them to wait longer until everyone is clearly well?

As a parent to two sons, I'd be heartbroken if my d-in-law didn't want me to visit my new grandchild.

If she's symptom-free then five days is enough clearance. If you genuinely don't think she's fully recovered then hold your boundaries. My grandparents visited my six month old and gave her COVID (they had been unwell but didn't even think to tell us or cancel) and she was so poorly she had to go to A&E - and this is a much older, more robust child. Absolutely do not risk anything with a NICU baby, please!

ultimately, it feels like this comes down to a trust issue. You’d trust your family to be honest about what symptoms they had and duration - but not MIL (due to past experiences).

I think that this seems to be the key issue.

Yes because children are robots totally incapable of their own thoughts and opinions.

If the drive over takes >2 hrs I can see why they would want to visit for several hours. You say DH would take them out for lunch, could they also take your older DC to the park for a while? Or go round to your mum's for a cup of tea, if nearby?

If you want to set a longer time for her recovery from a cough, what seems reasonable to you? How many weeks would your mum have to be symptom-free? The longer you delay, the more chance your DH will be back to work and you have to host alone. Or give up a precious weekend that could be family time.

Remember to tell her to bring her own (peppermint) teabags.

This. Just let her visit. I feel like you would also be complaining if she didn't want to visit.... you are lucky to have people keen to meet baby.

Exactly

Its all about YOU OP in every one of your posts

OP won’t be able to relax. Her in laws will be there for hours and want to hold the baby all that time and be given drinks and food. It won’t be a quick visit. Her parents actually look after her so that’s different.

According to her…

I had no issue with taking baby upstairs to feed them if I’d had enough of visitors or for any other reason (I.e. a cough). Just gave them 10 minutes with the baby and then said “oh can I take baby back now for a nappy change/ feed/ to give vitamin D” and went up to my room. Partner knew to come up in 10 mins with a cup of tea and I’d either go back down with/ without baby or give him instructions to say we were both asleep. There were never any complaints but if there were any I would have totally ignored them.

Plus even if this is true, it’s not right to use the non-existent cough as an excuse.

I would argue, as a new mother after what sounds like a traumatic birth with a vulnerable baby, it absolutely should be about the op rather than what her mother in law wants. And she absolutely shouldn't be expected to plaster on a smile and serve cups of tea to someone she clearly finds difficult. OP I think your mil won't be infectious so I wouldn't worry about that. I suggest you and your baby take to your bed. Your husband hosts his parents. You stagger down in your dressing gown and she gets to hold the baby and then your husband takes them and your older child off to lunch. Try and make it work for you as best you can. Good luck.

Just be honest, you don’t like her and you don’t want her to visit. But your parents are absolutely fine though

Of course it won't be a quick visit if they live 2+ hours away. That's part of life when you marry and have an extended family to cater for.

I also have a suspicion that if the MIL did offer to look after OP then she'd be on here complaining about how overbearing she's being...

She is the one that has just had a baby. Why should be all about what MIL wants with no regards for OP's feelings or the fact that DH would be leaving OP to run around after his mother?

Unfortunately my MIL isn’t like yours. She sounds similar to OP’s.

MIL has actually been quiet respectful shes told her about the cold which she is now 5 days clear of.

Baby must be at least a week old, DH will be back at work soon.

How long before Op has the baby out at cafés meeting friends or softplays with oldest or going round the supermarket?

Meanwhile other granny is kept at arms lenght.

The OP has had a traumatic birth and a baby just out of NICU, I think the least her husband can do is follow her wishes.

I have adult sons and I honestly cannot imagine being anything other than completely understanding towards my DIL and her concerns.

Let them have a WhatsApp call where they can see the baby.
No need to be rushing for the baby to be held.

I think it says so much about any grandparent of either side to force the issue on a new mother.

I agree that MIL seems to be respecting OP's wishes. I was talking about pp's on here with comments that it is all about what OP wants etc.

As pp said, I think it ultimately comes down to trust and OP is really struggling with trusting MIL as she thinks she may not be honest about how well she feels and then it is too late if she is around a baby who is only a week out of NICU.

It also doesn't help that it seems as though MIL lives a few hours away so it likely won't be just a 'pop in' visit. Especially as MIL will expect to be hosted.

You sound very controlling, why would your younger child not enjoy the grandparent visiting? That’s because your feelings have rubbed off on them. Your children are going to get exposed to germs their whole life, it’s what builds their immunity. By saying your toddler won’t go to nursery until after flu season shows you have issues.

I think this is the balanced (and informed) response you need to show your husband, @tornmama, and then both reflect, and discuss.

Also, @tornmama
If then deciding with DH to postpone visit, perhaps focus on other reasons so that MIL doesn't take it personally.. (ie time for weather/road conditions to improve given they'll be driving a 4hr round trip. Or that 'next weekend' for instance, DH has managed to get reservation at a particular restaurant to mark the occasion with them especially.)

I’d just offer a reasonable time scale that you’re happy with.

FWIW I fell ill on 16th December, I still have an annoying tickle but I’m fully fit and managing full cardio gym classes.

I suppose it’s up to you what’s reasonable.

You sound very controlling, why would your younger child not enjoy the grandparent visiting? That’s because your feelings have rubbed off on them.

But the child has a father also.

Who presumably gets on with him mum & can show that she can be fun.

You dont like her and it's obvious.
If I was her I'd make it know I know what you're doing and not want to be in your house unwelcomed.
If my son cared about his child knowing me, I'd love to have them visit me.

This is why my husband and I ensured we were not living near either sets of parents before spawning children. Makes life SO much easier. No arguments or disagreements about them. All visitation is done entirely on our terms. BLISS.

Most people have given you a hard time OP and very very few of them will have ever had a baby in the NICU and understand the fear that comes with that.

If you’re really not comfortable would another 2/3 days make you feel better? The anxiety can be horrific and yes ok it’s quite clear you aren’t a big fan of hers but that still doesn’t override your fear which is completely natural and understandable.

As others have said unfortunately having an older child will absolutely bring bugs in to the house so this is something you need to find a way to deal with and be comfortable with.