The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I think your second daughter sounds like the golden child and OP is going to some lengths to justify the disparity in treatment. Raw intelligence is one thing but very few people get to coast by on that alone. It requires serious commitment for most people who are trilingual, for example, to learn and maintain their languages.

Second daughter's first pregnancy is just one of those things. But for her to get pregnant AGAIN at age 23, when she is still living at home and so financially and practically dependent on her parents, is epic taking the piss. Here she is, bringing yet another child into the world who will see its father only as a ship passing in the night once a week. She and the father need to be moving out and into a home of their own where their children see them both regularly, and are able to bond with their father properly.

I think the elder girl has probably HAD to be emotionally self-sufficient in a situation where her feckless younger sister is so favoured. The fact OP now rarely sees her and she has to stay with her grandmother when she comes home due to her sister's expanding brood in the family home probably cements to her how peripheral she is to the family unit.

What about emotional support for your dd1? You shower it on your dd2.

The fact that the only point you chose to address in my post was to argue that DD1 bickers to is very telling. No comments on DD2 reckless and irresponsible family planning.

From what the bickering was over, it sounds like it is a DD2 problem. DD1 doesn't have to give her nephew a specific amount of attention and considering she only goes once a year I would assume she would mostly be updating about her life. Basically sounds like DD2 didn't like not being centre of attention for a few days. The entire situation indicates that DD2 is lazy and bratty.

This. You gave DD1 "more" when they were younger...none of that is emotional support, it's just money.
You go on to say because DD1 had more external validation, DD2 was validated more at home by you. What did DD1 hear at home then? That DD2 got more praise, emotional support etc than DD1.
Every post you write had a bias in favour of DD2 and I genuinely think you don't see it.
As a DD1 who always 'did the right thing' I absolutely see your mum's point and am glad DD1 has someone looking out for her emotional wellbeing, not just how 'well-being has set up her life.

You sound so dismissive of her. Of course she's picking Italy. They probably want to see her.

@Allosie i think there’s 2 issues here

1. DD2 needs to get a bit of independence. The set up of her living with you whilst bf lives 2 hours away with his parents is quite strange. How close are they to their goal of buying a place together? I know you’re trying to keep it neutral and keep saying you would do the same for DD1 but the truth is you can’t even if she needed you to as you will already have 2 dgc living in your house. I’m sure it’s lovely growing up with your dgc but the flip side is this may have real ramification on dgc when they’ve not had the quality time the need with their dad. I would be trying to prioritise helping them get their own place so they can live as a family unit rather than 2 holidays a year.
2. The rift between the sisters. This also sounds quite extreme and I wonder if there’s something else that you’re not aware of / haven’t mentioned. It’s quite normal for siblings to be v different but to not have spoken for 2 years is quite strange. Not a happy birthday or a merry Xmas? When you go to visit your eldest do you encourage your youngest to go too? I understand feeling like nothing in common but this is quite an extreme way for it to play out

I am one of 4 and we’re all very different. I also was very conventially intelligent/ successful with good job. I take home almost triple what some of my siblings do and that’s part time. One of my siblings lived at home for a long time after uni and practically moved in after her first child for a few years. I moved away whereas others stayed close. This hasn’t built any resentment my end - I feel lucky that I am able to support myself and don’t need my parents help. I’ve helped out 2 siblings + nieces and nephews financially where I could if needed gladly. Perhaps it was different for me as there was so many of us i didn’t feel a stark constant comparison to one other person.

i would sit your eldest down and have an honest and Frank conversation with her a making sure she knows you’re always available, always love her as much as you do dd2 and ask how you can facilitate all meeting as a family more. As well as addressing cutting the apron strings a bit with dd2. I don’t think you’re a bad mum and can see exactly why you’ve supported dd2 to date.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh

Your Mum has been 100% spot on from what you have written.

What about emotional support? Or giving DD2 the same expectations as you do DD1, i.e. being independent and building her own life?

You think you're meeting their needs in an equitable way, but let me tell you, as DD1 in your situation, you're not. DD1 feels like you give her "less" of yourself. She doesn't care about the finances. She just wants her mum...

Just because DD1 is more capable, beautiful and academic then DD2 it doesn’t mean she is less needing of support. She might not need the same type of support that DD2 needs (who FYI a 2nd baby while living at home is a bit of a piss taker) but DD1 does probably crave being able to not think about her responsibilities and would like to be able to come home to her mums house and switch off. I no think your mum is spot on in her comments and you seem extremely defensive, every reply dare I say seems a bit resentful of DD1 and it’s all very aww poor DD2 she wasn’t as bright so we just had to do something.

She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.

This jumped out at me, DD1 had more praise from outsiders which was beyond her control and yet it seems you've over compensated DD2 with praise, paying for everything, living in your house free childcare on tap etc, can you not see how this will build resentment?

Reading your post and comments makes it clear your mother is correct. DD2 is your clear favourite and sadly you seem unable to see this. If I were you OP I'd carefully reassess things as this has the potential to lead to a complete estrangement from your DD1.

I wonder if, having had lots of consistent (and very demonstrable, practical) support when she was younger, DD1 might be feeling the lack of support now more than she's letting on (maybe even subconsciously). She may have taken it for granted due to being young and is now feeling the obvious imbalance.

You mentioned that DD1 doesn't "need you" like DD2 does, but have you asked her or offered any support (practical or otherwise)? She probably does need you, but her needs will be very different.

In your shoes I think I'd look at visiting DD1 a little more often and being physically available in person, to rebalance things.

I am also DD1.

It has damaged me enormously. I've had a lot of therapy, and I'm calm in my knowledge and understanding now, but this is after years of therapy.

I saw my mum twice last year (I speak to her on the phone regularly, but with strict boundaries at my end).

I no longer have any relationship with my sister (actually her choice, but i was emotionally done with her decades ago).

Oh, and my mother feels very much alone now. My sister dropped her once her dcs were grown up, and she only calls or visits when she wants something.

OP - is your DH around, what does he think about all of this?

Sounds like she has a lovely life and the only one that is unhappy is your mother.

DD1 had a lot of external praise, so at home you had to make DD2 feel loved and valued.

I get what you were trying to do, but all the external praise in the world is nothing compared to praise, love and support from parents at that age. And it sounds like you held back on that to try and somehow balance things out.

I feel very sorry for DD1, the way you write about her seems quite disparaging: she’s clever, pretty, talented etc. but you seem to dismiss it as just how she is, rather than something she’s worked at. It doesn’t even come across as that you know her other than on a very superficial level.

I get DD2 needs your support, but you have to find a way to support and love DD1 if you don’t want to lose her.

It sounds like they're poles apart and may never get on. My dad and his brother don't speak or even know where each other lives. I'm one of 3 and only 2 of us get on. It's interesting that your eldest doesn't even show her nephew any interest. Might be worth asking why, that might tell you something about the dynamic.
One things for sure, whatever question you ask in here you'll get vastly different answers 😂

So glad to read this post. DH is also a DD1 and you've summed up exactly how I feel about MIL and her treatment of DHs siblings.

I just don't understand how she can't see that she is enabling grown adults to act like toddlers, throwing tantrums when being asked to do a basic household task.

I'm determined not to raise my kids like that, it especially gives me rage when she tells me I'm too strict with my kids 😤

Im curious op, did you post to get validation for the way you prioritise dd2 over dd1? Your subsequent posts lead me to suspect that you did.

I hope you have time to reflect on how you have treated dd1. You couldn’t show your favouritism towards dd2 any more clearly than you have with all your posts.

You say your house serves you well but it doesn’t if all your children can’t live or even sleep in it. What if DD1 wanted to move back home in between jobs? If money is no object ( which it appears to be) I’m interested to know why you haven't considered moving to a four bed house so she can be welcomed home when she visits . If I were her, your actions would tell me all I needed to know. You are very clearly biased towards DD2. You even say it would only be fair to point out how accomplished DD1 is , as if it sticks in your throat. I’m team grandparent. I think you will come to regret this

Gosh your poor DD1,having her ex complete suicide at such a young age. That is so traumatising. Are you sure DD1 is not using distraction as a coping strategy? Is she actually as ‘ok’ as she seems?

As someone who has multiple degrees and worked in several countries when young, I can tell you I had to work at it. It was by no means as easy as people think. They thought I had a charmed life. I was working every second. I didn't fall inti it.

I get what you were trying to do, but all the external praise in the world is nothing compared to praise, love and support from parents at that age

This...

Exactly. The idea that the OP needs to overcompensate for her DD2’s lack of achievements because her DD1 has achieved well is mind boggling. Why shouldn’t DD1 be given praise for doing well? It doesn’t come easily: it usually comes with a lot of sacrifice, internal struggles and difficulties. Not to mention the significant level of trauma DD1 has clearly gone through with her BF’s passing in such circumstances.

But yeah, keep piling on the praise, support and money to DD2 who is so comfortable that she is happily having a second child with the same feckless father because she knows mummy and daddy will look after them.

Or grandma is noticing things mum isn't.

DH has family all over Italy. It's lovely to have it as a choice for visiting. Doesn't mean I don't still want to see my family.

What is a reason I visit less than I used to is that DS always finds some way to make that time about her. She will find a crisis. She will be having a meltdown over nothing. She needs to take my parents attention away from me, and they let her.

You wouldn't believe the things she did the year I got engaged and wedding planning was happening. The attention had shifted to me (which over the course of our lives was unusual, and I often just stepped back and did my own thing for a quiet life) and the lengths she went to so that they'd pay her attention were huge. And they let her. It hurt.