The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I’m so sad that you eldest has nowhere to stay, that DD2 can’t bite her tongue around her sister on an annual visit, and that your eldest has lived through a terrible trauma that you know about, but that DD2 is still thought to be more needing of attention.
You’ve spoiled DD2, I’m afraid.

This. And your mum can sod off, what’s it got to do with her?!

It's incredibly selfish to bring children in this world anyway. The world is pretty fucked and the climate is collapsing. The financial pressure put on the generations below the boomers is so immense that the amount of people still living at their parents (with grandchildren or not btw, working and not working) is increasing. It is not just a matter of individual choices, there's a bigger picture.

I think this is kind of a tricky one. I know you aren't intending to favour DD2 but I think the situation that DD2 could lead to estrangement form your eldest.

Your DD2 is making decisions that are dictating how you all live. I am shocked that at 23 she had made the choice to have a second child when she is a) still living with her parents and b) the father lives 2 hours away and presumably only sees his first child once a week.

Her choices also mean that your DD1 can't even visit you because they end up quarreling? Why? Why would DD2 do anything other than be gracious and quiet for visit seeing it's the only visit of the year and there is no room for her sister because of her choices? DD1 likely doesn't want to visit because of this situation and you do enable it.

I think you would be a better parent to DD2 and she would be a better parent to her children if you told her it was time to find their own place for them to live as a family? If they can't afford a deposit then they should rent. The children should be with their father as a consistent presence in their lives.

I am still interested in knowing how far away DD! lives. Visiting twice a year (and DD! visiting home 1 a year) is one thing if she lives in Australia, but if she is UK based- or even a European flight away-based considering the OP seems to have disposable money - does not seem alot.

Similar dynamic in my family. I‘m the elder achiever. 1 parent favoured my route, the other my sister‘s (who is still financially dependent on him in her early 40s).

Neither have really got to know me as an adult.

I ended up talking plain text to my father, who rewrites history to make it fit his conscience: yes, I‘ve never needed financial support, even if there were short phases early on where it meant not having the living standards of my sister, and it’s interesting to consider how I may have been supported if I‘d not ‘done everything right’.

I would feel better if I had some sort of recognition and an attempt to really see and get to know me as a person.

There's this, too. It's actually pretty pathetic.

I would be absolutely furious if my DD got pregnant for a second time when she was so reliant on me. You absolutely do pander to her!

I’m also DD1 and the last thing I need from my parents is more of their time and effort. What I need my parents is to acknowledge the dynamic, stop making excuses for my sister, put up some boundaries for her and stop enabling her.

The bickering starts in both directions but like I said they haven’t seen each other in 2 years. DD2 has gone out any time DD1 has been here for dinner and not return until she got back from her grandparents.

Historically the bickering would be over DD1 not showing her nephew any attention, spending too much time talking about herself and her last boyfriend being condescending or over DD2 being lazy, bratty and antagonising her sister.

Sorry I should have said, she’s in Paris.

I think this was ny point earlier in the thread. What does DD1 need from Mum and Dad? Has she masked up to protect herself emotionally? Talk to her. Tell her you're sorry for not giving her what she needs. Ask for her advice on what you can do and say going forward

This, although I wouldn't mind a little of their "attention" sometimes, or just time together as a family that wasn't interrupted by DS having a "crisis" she desperately needed their support with, that for most adults would just be a normal, every day incident.

aaah lucky thing!!

i think you need to visit more often. Paris is always a good idea.

Every post you favour dd2 over dd1. Your poor eldest. You can’t see it, can you?

If you look at it objectively, is DD2 lazy? Why hasn't she worked to provide for her own child?

What it's got to do with grandmum is that she is paying uni fees for the whole family and accomodating DD 1 when she visits. So quite a lot.

Why aren't you visiting more? Is it because DD1 is too busy... or because you are too busy with DD2?

Paris is weekend break distance

@Allosie, you aren’t really listening to the views posters are offering on this thread, just re-stating your current stance with each post you make.

However it has been caused, damage has been done to your family. Do you want things to change? Then you have to start listening to (and understanding) all the parties viewpoints as well as taking on board posters advice. Where is your husband in all of this, what does he think?

Sorry meant to reply to this.

If I treated my dcs in the way Op has, you can bet your bottom dollar my parents would have had something to say.

Someone has to support dd1 emotionally because it’s clear the Op hasn’t.

DD1 is constantly busy!
She’s very social and she did her undergrad in Paris, briefly returned to London for her masters then disappeared back to Paris where she has more friends than I could count. Getting her to give us dates for a trip 2 times a year is hard enough.

Such as at this time of year she often spends weekends snowboarding as she has a friend with a chalet in Chamonix and she just travels on the Friday night. Otherwise she’s forever at talks, gallery events, networking, holidaying.
Her current boyfriend is Italian so she is also less inclined to spend annual leave with us as of course when the debate is south of Italy or Brighton she’s picking Italy!

What I’m saying is I don’t want change is expected. Taking from DD2 just so it’s closer to DD1 doesn’t feel right and DD1 isn’t asking for anything else. She will receive all the same financial support in terms of school fees if and when she needs it. I don’t view that as money for DD2 but rather for our grandchildren.

Absolutely this.

I can’t believe your dd2 has decided to have another child when she lives at home and the dad barely sees his child already. How are you ok with that? She will never learn to be independent if you always wrap her in cotton wool so she can make silly decisions over and over again.

How very strange. I feel like I also lived your life too.

Ill in hospital as a child. Parents now dote on my sister. I think this is due to guilt as they spend more time with me in hospital. There have always been a lot harder on me, expected a lot from me and presumed I’m independent.
I think it’s affected our bond as sisters.

Yes I agree there’s a possibility that OP isn’t unhappy about her dd2 using her in this way. But she does also sound very passive about everything which I suppose is why it was shocking to her when her own mum spoke up. And why her mum felt the need to intervene.

She doesn’t tell us much about how she actually feels about the newly announced pregnancy, we are left to guess. Instead she tells us how each daughter feels towards the other and how her mum feels.

What about her own feelings (does she actually have any ?) and those of her husband and those of the baby daddy and those of his family. It’s all about what DD2 wants. Maybe dd2 is actually seeking her parents’ love and approval of every single decision she makes regardless of her own ability to cope with life independently - that is exactly what she seems to be getting.

In OP’s shoes, I would be thinking …..how dare my DD2 and her baby daddy take for granted that we will continue to support them with yet another pregnancy when they show few signs of actually wanting to be together. I mean how can they think it’s ok to grow their family whilst each still living hours away from each other and still not independent in any sort of way. How is OP actually parenting ….guiding ….dd2 when she ignores this and sets yet anither grandchild up to take privilege for granted and to grow up without a father around to parent.
it’s not ok in my book, to b so accepting of this

It is indeed odd that OP gives no thought to having dd1’s bedroom taken over, presumably by her grandson, so that DD1 isn’t able to come home to stay. She appears either to take a ‘the more the merrier’ type approach to another grandchild in the house - or she couldn’t care less.
Maybe the second grandchild will be brought up by the baby daddy family if there isn’t a bedroom available at OP’s house.