The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Honestly since everyone is so pressing on this. DH and I are in no hurry for DD2 to move out. Day to day life runs well and we are happy. We would only be encouraging her out on the basis of being told to not because we needed to.
How DD works out her relationship isn’t my business.

As for the divide between. Honestly it’s years and years in the making. It started as teenagers as they went to the same school originally and there was a lot of bullying towards DD2 specifically about how she looked and it was often accompanied with “you must be adopted or something as your sister is so pretty”. Obviously this fractured their relationship. We then moved DD2 to a different school and she really wanted her sister to be interested in her but DD1 just wasn’t at all.

They then had a big argument, I don’t know all the details and I don’t care to but from what I know they’d both been drinking and DD1 told DD2 how many men she’d slept with, DD2 called her a name and DD1 replied something like “at least I didn’t have a kid at 19, maybe you’re just not smart enough to know what a condom is”.

They have never recovered from this, the bickering worsened and now they simply don’t talk.

@Allosie , you still don't get it.

An e.g you 'ask' DD2 to give up her room when DD1 visits, it results in DD2 quarreling with DD1. DD1 therefore visits less. What have you said to DD2 about this? How have you tried to resolve this? What have you done to create a more permanent space for DD1 for her visits, so she can visit home without readying herself for quarrels?

Your DD2 is in control of 2/3rds of a home that should also be a base for your DD1.
If that is DD2 and Grandson's home then DD1 should have the same rights. Grandson should have his stability provided for by his parents.

This is just one example from your posts. But i know it is hard for you to see because you are in it and also because you must feel protective over DD2 and your Grandson in a way you have not had to feel for DD1.

I think on the occasion that dd1 does come back home you could request that dd2 stays at home and that you do something as a family. The reason the rift is getting bigger is because you’re enabling it if you’re supporting dd2 leaving and spending whole day with her grandmother instead of seeing her sister she won’t see for another year.
Could you not suggest a day with just you, your DP and the 2 girls - doing something fun that you might not usually do together (maybe an escape room eg). Ban heated discussions and try and get them to have connection again.

Instead of school fees why not help DD2 with a deposit for a flat? ( giving the same amount to DD1).

So from your posts you appear to be absolutely loaded but you live in a 3 bedroom house and your DD and her partner don't live together despite expecting their 2nd child? Time to cut the apron strings with DD. They don't need to buy a property as their first home together. If they don't have enough deposit saved yet they can rent. I'm sure you'll be good for the deposit and first month's rent, and money for furniture etc 🤨

Your DDs sound very different and that has caused lack of understanding and resentment. Whilst you can't change that, I would focus on your interactions with DD1. She most likely feels it is spectacularly unfair that she has always worked hard and done everything right, but you are pouring money into DD2 and not her. The fact you are even contributing to school fees suggests you are not just funding the essentials. Will you (and can you) offer to contribute to school fees for DD1's future children? You really should, even if she doesn't take you up on it. If you can't afford it, you shouldn't really have offered to DD2.

It's pretty frustrating when she can't even come home without her sister being there. I'm not saying you are wrong to have DD2 living with you, but it does create an imbalance. Are you also limited in what you can do with DD1 due to your childcare responsibilities?

It also sounds like you have always balanced for outside influences e.g. giving more praise to DD2. Whilst I can understand that to a degree, it has likely frustrated DD1, that she has done these objectively 'good' things but you seem more interested in DD2's smaller achievements. It sounds like your DM has almost tried to balance things back again in DD1's favour, and shown favouritism to them.

This post is all very biased to DD1. She likely has her own failings too. It does sound like she was never very caring or accommodating towards DD2,and maybe the fractured sibling relationship is more due to DD1. But I guess it depends if you want anything to change. If you do, I would work on finding ways to prioritise your DD1. Going to visit her, or spending time doing things she likes when she visits. It won't be easy though I imagine.

Next time your DD us visiting, how about suggesting your younger DD stays with her boyfriend for the duration.

i think you need to critically read back your own posts. It’s obvious you do favour your dd2. DD2 shouldn’t have been praised at home because dd1 was praised externally. You should have been praising both, if dd2 wanted external praise she needed to earn it.

I second the pp who said they had to be independent as help wasn’t available. You need to look back and see if that was true for dd1.

DH and I are in no hurry for DD2 to move out.

Why don't you want her to be independent?

I have known families whereby one child has been financially supported for decades due to their life choices. The Big Crunch comes when the parent/s dies or goes into aged care or whatever, and that adult child then has to support themselves. Long story short, they can’t. They haven’t learned critical life skills and have been enabled by the well meaning parent/s far too long.

What happens next? Does the remaining sibling/s pick up where the parent/s left off? Not likely if they’ve been resentful of the situation for a long time. It then comes as a very rude shock to the entitled adult child to face the reality of having to provide and fend for yourself at an older age. Best these things are learned early on in life where mind & body is younger and resilience & coping skills come into play.

Even blind Freddie can see in the OP’s case that DD2 should’ve been encouraged to provide for herself and child from the start in terms of accommodation, food, bills etc. Also, she would’ve been less likely to fall pregnant again if forced to face the consequences of her own making. No wonder DD1 doesn’t want a bar of it and Grandma is stating the bleeding obvious.

No good deed goes unpunished

By my reckoning DD1 was 20 when her sister got pregnant and started to monopolise the parents time, space and money.

At the same time as she was dealing with an ex partners suicide. Thankfully she had a caring Grandmother.

Frankly Dd1 is right to say at least she knew what a condom was.

Anyway, you are never going to realise or at least acknowledge, that you favour dd2, so don’t know why you have bothered to post. Your poor dd1.

You make it sound like all the historic bickering was DD1’s fault. Maybe she didn’t show her nephew any attention because she was deeply jealous of the way he seems to have replaced her as your “second child”.

There are big issues here that you are not acknowledging. You are overly attached to your grandson at the expense of your own daughter. And now there’s another grandchild coming and the bf still expects to continue living an easy life visiting his girlfriend and children once a week. It’s a toxic situation that nevertheless feels cozy on a day to day basis.

You are even wasting your money taking him on holidays! He needs to step up and support his family not leave most of the hard work & responsibilities to you. Both he and his gf DD2 sound like children themselves playing at parenting.

But that just takes time with her parents away from dd1.

I’m quite surprised by the responses and I wonder if some of it is because the OPs second daughter is/was a young mum: it’s really frowned on here as is living with parents (even if they are happy with this arrangement.)

I wonder how the responses would be different if DD2 had SEN. My brother is quite significantly socially and every way really impacted by autism: he’s ’high functioning’ in the sense he’s verbal and can live independently after a fashion but he needs high levels of support. When my parents were alive he had a lot more than me, always did. Because he needed it there’s nothing my parents needed to apologise for!

It’s become obvious that the OP just wants validation for this family dynamic and it isn’t going her way.

The OP is selfish, infantilising one DD and alienating the other in the process. It won’t end well for her sadly.

If they suggest that, how much do you want to bet they won't see the grandkids?

At least OP now admits that she's fine with the situation. That's a choice.

That’s a completely different situation entirely

agreed.

Do you ask to go to the talks or gallery events with her? Do you ever visit without your husband? I would see this as a bit of a wake-up call - can you call her and say "Granny said this - is this how you feel?". How about suggesting that you and your husband join her and her boyfriend in Italy for a few days for your holiday this year without inviting your younger daughter. My sister lives abroad and my parents always spent loads of effort going to see her and developing common interests. She also didn't have children (tho loved mine) but I always was quite careful to make sure she didn't feel left out by too much talk of small children.

I do understand why you would provide accomodation and childcare help for your younger daughter- even financial support with nursery fees so that she can work/train. School fees does seem ridiculous in your daughter's situation though. Sorry. Even if she is very lovely.

I disagree. I think it’s as simple as different people need different things and levels of support for all sorts of reasons.

Quite quite different. One is of their own making and one isn’t.

So DD2 makes crap choice after crap choice and you support her with both time and money (and a lot of love too, sounds like) while DD1 works her backside off and the nicest thing you can say about her is that it would unfair not to acknowledge that she's incredibly intelligent. Where is the pride and joy in your DD1 who sounds like a fantastic independent hard working girl?

You should be ashamed of yourself as its really obvious you prefer DD2. I'm guessing you weren't a career woman yourself so find DD1 a bit daunting and feel more comfortable with DD2.

Start taking a step back and teaching your DD2 there are consequences to the choices she makes and treat your DD1 a bit to show her you have time and money for her too, she deserves it.

Were both of your grandchildren planned? It seems irresponsible of your dd2 to be having a second when she has no home of her own and an absent boyfriend. What does he think? Seeing his child once a week. Maybe dd1 sees things this way too. That her sister is taking advantage of you.

I think the only way you are going to be able to have an equal relationship with both DDs is if DD2 moves out and gets her own place. I'm sorry but I think it's ridiculous that you're frittering money away on private school when DD2 doesn't even have her own home for her children.

Your DGC's dad is seeing them less than most divorced dads. As they get older they will need time with him more. I get with a teenage pregnancy you have to make the best of it but this ongoing situation isn't sustainable and I can understand why DD1 feels like they have been pushed out.