The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

There’s a lot going on. Reading between the lines you favour your second daughter with time, support and money. It must be difficult for DD1 to watch, and maybe she would be more ‘family oriented’ if someone else was paying for her to have children. Helping your 19 year old pregnant daughter is one thing, but she’s now having a second, why isn’t the father more involved. I think you should think carefully about your role in the poor relationship between your daughters which is incredibly sad.

You say you give both daughters what they need. Do you truly know what DD1 needs? Or has she built a protective shell/mask ?

It needs to be equal. Are you putting aside equivalence for DD1 on what you’re spending on the grandchild and DD2? (School fees!?!?)
This is such clear favouritism it’s off the scale.

@Allosie

While probably not as intelligent as your DD, I am DD1 in this scenario. My younger sister has made very different life choices to me. I'm financially independent and very capable, DH and I deal with all our own life admin, handle everything we need to between us. As we should, we're grown adults.

My sister, however, despite being a married woman with a mortgage, still heavily relies on my parents for everything. They pay towards holidays "because she doesn't have much", help her with car costs "because she doesn't have much", pay her pet insurance for her dog "because she doesn't have much", you get the drift.

She also calls them when her insurance needs renewal because my dad will help her with it. If something goes wrong she turns to them immediately. They go in weekly to clean her house, despite her only working part time and having no children.

She and her husband have a strange relationship, they're married and live in the same house but are not a partnership.

Anyway, the point of this is that while I'm not really jealous, because I understand why she gets so much more of their support than I do, it doesn't stop resentment building. I find it difficult to get along with her because it feels like she's draining my parents instead of building her own life. And it feels like they coddle her instead of making her see real life. And then, it scares me to think about the future because when they're gone it goes one of two ways. Either she is forced to face reality and then god knows what happens to her life. Or, the responsibility for her that my parents currently shoulder become mine (older sister has her own problem children and whole not as dependant on my parents as younger, just wouldn't be able to take that on and it wouldn't be expected of her).

Either way, being the capable, "has it all together", independent sister puts expectations on you that you have to live up to while the rest of your family doesn't. It's hard.

I think you’re getting some harsh replies here! I have two DC, to be fair, we are all very close. It’s been the three of us since their father left us when I was pregnant with DC2.

They are VERY different people. DC1 is confident and independent and has recently bought his first home. DC2 is crippled with anxiety and many other issues and requires a lot of attention.

On the outside it looks like I do way more for DC2 but it’s not because I favour her! It’s because she needs it. If the tables turned I would do exactly the same for DC1.

I think as their mother, you understand their needs more than anyone else. Do what you think is right and ignore anyone trying to make you feel guilty.

Difficult situation, I can kind of understand from DD1s perspective. My MIL runs around after DHs siblings, provides practical, monetary and childcare support while DH has been left to his own devices because he is the one child who has become independent and the only one working.

DH has become distant with his DM as it does come across as favouritism and it's hurtful. Not just for him, but for the kids because she spends a lot more time with her other grandchildren compared to ours.

Yep. I once asked my mum for a spare key to my parents’ second home as my sisters were living there rent-free and I wanted to have the freedom to visit (beautiful house in London) and was told no. That my sisters were living there so it was their home and even my mum didn’t have a key and needed to ask them for permission before she visited.

My sisters lived in that house rent-free (for a while my parents were even paying the utilities).

You should feel sorry for mine then too, because I have already told both my kids that having babies they can't support is beyond foolish and yes, I would be ashamed of them. And I wouldn't be supporting them.

Having babies you can't support is not 'family oriented'. Rather the opposite.

Your eldest sounds kind of pathetic honestly. Crying to grandma that she doesn’t get enough attention because she’s jealous her sister gets a roof over the head for her and her kids. How weird when she’s obvs been put through university by her parents. Ungrateful

I had 3 children by the age 23 and lived with my partner (now husband).
Why is she still living with you and not with her partner who she is pregnant by again? You are blind if you cannot see how much you mollycoddle a 23yr old grown woman of 1 soon to be 2 children. She needs to stand on her own two feet OP. No sister is better than the other because of the choices they've made in their life / career,.but you clearly have a favourite..... and it isn't the dd1.

We could afford a bigger home, but we love our home and won’t move, we’ve been here over 30 years and it has served us well.
DD2 doesn’t complain about giving her room up for her sister, they just bicker when DD1 is here.

Exactly! There really are some sweethearts on here.
Why is it more hard work to be single and do what you enjoy, which in this instance is study. Why is that harder than looking after a child and changing your career path.

If DD2 is choosing to have another child then her and her boyfriend should be getting a home together. How many grandchildren are you going to fund, when will it stop, and when will they take some responsibility.
Go visit DD1 and spend time with her.

Hi OP. I don’t often comment on posts just lurk but felt like I wanted to share here. I’m DD1 and my sister is DD2 from your situation.

Im “independent” “always managed on my own” etc but truthfully it’s because I had to. People saw me as capable and focused on supporting my sister and managing her needs. Comparisons were made often. It was generally unpleasant to grow up feeling the difference. If you ask my mum she’d say we were treated the same and that we’ve both been offered more support when we’ve needed it. I’m now no contact with her (for lots of reasons) but my Dsis still lives at home at 30 years old and still needs additional support.

My point is that you should apologise to your DD1 and put more energy into her for a while and really see what she needs and offer her love and connection.

My mum had me at 19 so I understand the difficulty that you might feel wanting to support but don’t ignore or prioritise her as you never know what your other daughter is going through.

Have you ever been that sibling?

I don't "cry" to anyone about it, but when I am spending time with my parents and my grown ass sister calls because she's spilt something on the sofa, it's stained and she can't work out what to do, and they drop me to rush over because "she just needs us differently", it hurts.

Or when we've spent YEARS building careers to have the income and flexibility we need to be pretty independent with looking after our DC, to be told that "if she has kids, I'll retire to look after them" (actual statement from my mother), because "she needs us more", that also hurts.

She needs them more because of her choices. It's her life, I don't judge her choices. But it doesn't mean I don't need my parents too.

Whilst I’m not trying to defend anyone. I don’t actually know how much DD1 has said to my mum vs how much is my mums own take.
My mum has always felt a softness towards DD1, so much could be her own views.

We also didn’t actually pay for DD1s university, her grandparents did and would have done the same for DD2 and did the same for my nephew.

The percentage of income needed to pay for accommodation has drastically increased over the last 30 years. It's incredibly hard for a person on their own to manage.
It sounds like OP isn't favouring one against the other, she's just making space in her head, heart and pocket for her grandchildren as well as her daughters

There are plenty of reasons why it can be extremely hard to support your family in this day and age, specially when it comes to childcare. In a lot of countries, multigenerational living under the same roof is the norm and there can be so many advantages, on all sides. I always believed that if I fell pregnant before I was ready, I would have an abortion because I wanted to be able to live in a certain level of security, but that doesn't mean I can't understand someone making a different choice to mine (I had my children late compare to average, proper geriatric mum according to medical term 🤣 and I'mpretty sure you would judge me too because I'm not on your tolerated time frame). It doesn't mean I would shame them, treat them as foolish, and go on my high horse because I feel I'm better and my choices are better. Being incapable of accepting people will make different choices to you is utterly stupid, imo.

I agree with the above. I was dd2 in this situation (although moved out and didn't have a second child until I was in a stable position to).

My elder sister hated me with the fire of a thousand suns and resented every second our Mum spent with my children.

My sister has always hated children (long before I had any) and is very financially driven. I've always been family orientated and Mum was too. She wanted to see her dgc as much as possible.

What are you supposed to do? Force dd1 to move home? Force dd2 to become a career whizz? They're just different people.

I do think that dd2 should be aiming at living independently and then it will be no one's business how many children she has.

And your mum should shut up.

See I do appreciate this, but when they were young we treated them very much the same and you could easily argue we gave more to DD1, she had more hobbies requiring money, needed to be driven to piano exams or tennis competitions often.
She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.

I think your mother has been shit stirring focusing on some insecurities DD1 has.

However... you do need to be encouraging your DD2 to move out now, before the baby is born. Up can still help, but the kids need both their parents living with them in their own space. This is for their long term well being.

You have money to pay (potentially) 4 or more sets of nursery and school fees but DD1 has to stay with her grandmother as you only have 3 bedrooms.

It’s still not equitable but why not use that money to house DD2 and her soon to be 2 children in their own family unit. Make her parent her own children, preferably with their father too. At least then DD1 could stay and have more of your time. At the moment DD2 gets more of your time and money. A situation that will only increase with each child she decides to have.

I feel sorry for your grandson who only sees his father one day a week. How often does he see his paternal grandparents? Why does DD2 not at least stay with them when DD1 wants to visit.

How come you thinks it’s ok for a father not to live with and parent his own children. How does your DH feel about having a new born in the house again? How do you feel about that?

The whole situation is ridiculous.

But it’s incredibly selfish and stupid to bring another child into the world when they are still relying on GP’s to house them.

It seems the situation suits you because you want to take the place of second parent to the grandchild, soon to be grandchildren.

Although you started this thread with concerns about your relationship with DD1, those concerns seem to fall far below your own priorities of your own comfort and happiness in your cosy home and cosy (if inappropriate) new family set up.

I feel very sorry for your DD1.

So DD2 loves being a mum but doesn't understand parental responsability since she went ahead and became pregnant again with the same loser who doesn't see his first child. All the while the OP has to continue supporting DD2s irresponsible life choices.

Team grandma and DD1.