The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

This is where your mum has a point. There isnt room in your home for DD1 because youre facilitating DD2. Youve given DGS a room, which is understandable but if you have money to help with deposits I am not following why DD2 is still home, beyond you making it comfy for her.

Are you unhappy that while living in your home, having a child that means DD1 has to stay at your parents or fight with her family orientated sister, DD2 has gotten pregnant again? How will that help with her savings or studies?

Sounds to me like DD1 doesnt like conflict or confrontation and knows she isnt as welcome as her sister so stays with her GPs

I think you need to invest in more tome with DD1 and consider whats going to happen if you are soon facing another child needing to fit in your home and if that will push DD1 further away

Agree with this. And am surprised you are getting such a hard time on this thread.

I have 3 adult children. The eldest is very disabled and so had all the attention growing up. The other two are very different. One still lives with us, but is moving out locally soon. One lives a few hundred miles away. One had attention growing up (esp from wider family) because he excelled in a hobby - a field he is now working in so he still gets attention for it. One is an extrovert, one is an introvert. They get on well now but are scathingly rude about each others choices (banter).

They have had very different types of support from us as adults because they have wanted different things. Ds2 couldn’t wait to leave. He will never live in his home town again - it isn’t big enough or exciting enough for him. Ds3 will likely never leave this town. He likes to go away for the weekend, but is showing no signs of wanting to leave ever. There’s no resentment between them. They’re just leading different lives. They’ll carry on getting different types of support from us.

Your situation is completely different, though.

The OP doesn’t seem to be an abusive parent, nor am I talking about abusive families.

And again having a second child while
still studying while your partner still lives two hours away and visits once a week.

Poor decisions again.

supported by op.

So what could DD1 do to get more support and attention from you?

@Vivi0 my point was kind of, where there's favouritism, there's often abuse. And people won't necessarily recognise it as abuse, and certainly won't just disclose it to just anyone. They might, though, say that their mum seems to prefer their sister, or that their sister is still unemployed and living at home and gets her holidays and clothes and nights out paid for by mum, but mum won't lend their brother the money to get his washing machine fixed, or something like that. Would you not be suspicious of a dynamic like that? And maybe not take the mum's word as completely reliable?

Nice to see a younger sibling here though.

I’m the eldest.

I have two younger siblings. We are all very different people, with different abilities and different needs.

I’m definitely more of a DD1 in this situation. I left home at 18 and have been financially independent ever since.

I have never begrudged anything my parents have done for my siblings. I just don’t get it at all.

“My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes.”

I would be astounded to hear from my DM that “she was fed up” - as said upthread, as that’s overstepping and not her business.

It would be a good idea for your DM to have “some space” - to think about her own mistake.

You sound like a good mum OP.

Could you schedule regular monthly girly lunches out (by train?) with your DD1?

Does she actually want it. If I started insisting on ‘supporting’ ds2 or ds3 they’d think I was interfering. Ds2 who lives hundreds of miles away actually asks for more support from us than ds3, who despite living at home acts mortally offended if you offer him a lift to the dentist.

You can’t impose yourself in your adult children’s lives. They set the way it’s going to go ime.

Totally different though. Very disabled child very obviously needs extra from a parent, and absolutely would get it.

Every child should get what they need from their parents. That doesn't mean that one should be enabled to just drop out of everything they ever start and sponge off their parents while the other works hard and is labelled as "not needing anything from us".

You acknowledge that you supported them all differently because that's what they need. OP is dismissing DD1s needs because she appears capable and enabling DD2 to make poor choices with no consequences, thus meaning she'll not become a functional adult with her own life. Have you made any of yours completely dependent on you? Or have you supported them to live their own life?

Now quite sure how you get to this 'conclusion' even from the OP's posts

Why are posters bringing up disabled and SEN DC when the DD 2 is neither?

"A fantastic mum would be concentrating on getting herself an independent life and able to support the child she has independently.
Please listen to your family before you totally alienate DD1."

So a married mother is also a bad mum because she gets help from her husband?
If the OP and her DH can afford to help their child and grandchild, I don't see what the problem is.

please do not assume that because your DD1 doesn’t ask for anything that it means she doesn’t need it, you’ll cause irreparable damage.

This.

I wonder if people who've never been in this situation, just don't understand the underlying feelings.

We cope because we have to, and because a request for help is generally deflected.

You don't see a problem.in the dad visiting his DC once a week?

my point was kind of, where there's favouritism, there's often abuse

But is there favouritism, though?

Like real and true favouritism?

I don’t think there is. I believe if the roles were reversed then OP would be doing for DD1 exactly what she is doing for DD2.

The eldest DD lives in another country FFS, it is impossible for her to provide a similar level of support to that the younger DD receives.

I don’t think it’s wise to commit to paying school fees for grandchildren, because the OP has no idea how many grandchildren she is going to end up with, but apart from that, I can’t see that the OP is doing anything wrong.

If the eldest DD feels like she is missing out, perhaps living in another country isn’t for her.

What has dd1 asked for that hasn’t been given? Ds2 told me he likes coming home and he stayed at home ‘far longer than any of his friends’ this Christmas because we’re not suffocating.

Given the snobbery on this thread I have no doubt that some would suck lemons and say we were ‘enabling’ both ds2 and ds3 in their chosen careers/choices since school.

That's quite a leap you've made there, sure you're not dizzy?

A married mother living with her husband/father of her children is living independently. She's building her own life, not being cuddled by mummy.

DD2 could easily have gotten a job to create her own income. She's been with the father for 5+ years and has not moved the relationship beyond a once a week hook up despite being pregnant with their second child. Even if she was still living with mum, with a job and a plan in place to support her own family, she'd be working towards building her own independent life. She's not. She's gotten pregnant while studying, again, and in all likelihood when you look at her past choices will drop out of the course now. With no other plans in place.

He’s living with his parents saving up for house.

"And your mum can sod off, what’s it got to do with her?!"

Presumably that she's a grandmother and loves her grandchildren and can see the inequity of the situation? And that she loves her daughter too and her comments come from a place of love and concern?

So he can’t see his own child more than once a week. He can’t be arsed to even visit or ask for his child for a weekend.

His just too cosy living his single life 6 days out of 7. Ops daughter is just silly enough to put up with it. Their oldest is 4 years old. They have another on the way to the once a week dad.

I am the partner of DD1 in this situation and I call tell you my husband who has done well in his education and got a good professional career is massively resentful of his younger brother who has been handed everything on a plate. All his parents do is talk about his brother and we limit contact with them. Although we have got what we need ourselves and with my parents' help (mostly equal amount my siblings) it hasn't been easy.

I worry about doing the right thing in the future as our oldest child is very confident and does incredibly well at school whilst our youngest is far more average.

I'd love to know what the OP's husband thinks of it. At his presumed age, likely 50s, he must be a very unusual man if he welcomes being knee-deep in nappies and having to listen to a wailing baby every night. Yet again

@Climbinghigher and that would be fine if he didn’t have one child and another on the way. How shit for the child to hardly see their dad. If OP wants to throw cash at them, give them a house deposit not school fees

You can very much tell that you've never been the dismissed child. Or actually read OPs posts properly.

OP has said she doesn't seem to need anything. That it would only be fair to say she's very intelligent. That she doesn't come home or have time for them (if you feel loved and supported by your family, you want to see them). When she does come home she stays elsewhere because she's not welcome in her family home.

OP has described her as independent, capable, well off and successful, therefore not needing anything. She has completely ignored anyone who has asked her whether she's bothered to check in and see if she needs anything.

Dismissed children ALWAYS seem capable and not in need. They NEVER ask for anything because they've learned not to.