The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Sounds like my aunt. She only stopped when she became a lesbian 😅 I wish I was joking.

Plently of grandbabies for her now however.

I’m not sure I’ve much to add to what’s been said. I think, if you choose to listen to what your mother has told you, that you’ve been given a chance to make things better with DD1. You’ve enabled DD2 far too much while leaving DD1 to make her own way. It’s massively irresponsible to have planned another child in these circumstances.

Having read your posts I see your mums point. DD1 doesn't have a room at her parents home anymore because her sister has chosen to have a child whilst living at home. She is now having a second child whilst still living in your home. This is another child you will probably be caring and paying for because you have enabled dd2 to not have to take responsibility for her own child.

Your dd1 is self sufficient because she has to be. She has done incredibly well and built a great life for herself. She has done this because she hasn't got her parents support because her sister gets most of it. Her friends are most likely the family she has picked for herself. She quite rightly prioritises those friends because her parent's always prioritise her immature sister over her.

My mother always prioritses her husband's family before me as a result i am very self sufficient with good friendship groups. I have to be because I know that his family always come before me. I rely on my husband and friends to support me so do prioritise giving them my time now. If my mother prioritised me more she would get more of my time and be prioritised in a similar way. If you push people out especially your children you cannot be surprised when they then decide not to prioritise you. You have pushed dd1 out. No matter what you say and its so obvious even your own mother has brought it up with you. She can see her granddaughter is hurt and pushed out. Why cant you?

Dd1 doesnt even really have a home to go to. You gave her room away to your grandchild. She doesn't get on with her sister which is fine but given her sister is a grown woman with a child and another on the way she should be living on her own by now. This would have ensured dd2 still had a home to come back to when she visited. Again you have chosen not to do this.

Its pretty apparent why your mother said what you did. You have a favourite child and everyone can see it but you. Start putting both your dds first. Tell dd2 seen as she made an adult decision to have a second child with her boyfriend its time they took on the adult role of getting a house together and parenting those kids. Apologise to dd1 and promise her things will change. Take full responsibility for your failings as a parent and make it clear her room is hers again. Set dd2 to a date to move out by and tell dd1 that is happening. You might find she does visits you then.

I genuinely cannot understand why you cant see what's going on here. You are not being a good parent to either of your daughters just now.

You are doing the right thing by dd2. I work with a very high profile figure who had three children very young, two different dads and an abusive partner and was able to build her very successful career as her sister effectively looked after her kids whilst she did so.

DD2 does need you more. Hair dresser is a very respectable career. You are doing the right thing supporting her.

It reads like you don't like oleer DD very much or sort of don't approve of/resent her lifestyle. Not in an overly major way but something comes across as a bit off

Beautifully said, @SunnySideDeepDown— I was about to say the same thing.

There are some things that should remain unsaid and your mother should really MHOFB.

Your two daughters are very different from one another. That doesn’t mean you can’t love them equally and support them equally.

Being from a pair of sisters like this, the older we got, the more we realised our parents did the very best they could - and we loved them for that. And we love and respect each other for our life choices and paths we’ve taken.

It doesn’t happen overnight and it doesn’t mean there aren’t bumps - but we’re sisters and we stick together and we love each other and that means something to us.

Because posters related to the favourite sibling and it’s always the one who then fails to launch.

Most children hold the belief at some point in their lives that their sibling, or one of their siblings, is “the favourite”. Then they grow up. It’s only on Mumsnet that I’ve ever encountered the “it’s not fair” brigade.

Ops youngest has zero consequences for any of her actions

Consequences? Do we usually punish people who fall pregnant?

the oldest copes because she has to there is no time or space for her it’s all her sisters and nephews.

The oldest lives in a different country. It is completely normal for those who stay behind to adjust, and then continue to live their lives.

If you’ve ever had any direct experience of this, you would understand.

This. Plus the blasé way OP comments on the slur DD2 used against DD1. That's shocking. She adds DD1's response as though it's anything remotely similar - she was defending herself and rightfully so, after she opened up to DD2 (which is what apparently DD2 always wanted?!) and then got slapped down and hit in the face with a bitter, jealous, misogynistic comment.

I'd be furious with my daughter if she spoke like that to a sibling. Or anyone for that matter! Yet OP seems to think they were on equal footing in this argument.

DD2 sounds like a spoilt, self indulgent little madame with a victim complex that has been fed into by her doting mother who thinks she can do no wrong, just because she was bullied in school. She's a grown woman!

I think this situation is quite different. Dd2 doesn't seem to be in an abusive relationship. She is just spoilt and being enabled by her parents at the expense of her older sisters relationship with her parents.

Dd2 seems to have a long term stable partner whom she has decided to have a second child with despite still living in her parents home. I haven't seen any suggestion dd2 is in an abusive relationship.

Read through all ops reply. I feel heart sorry for dd1 as her parents have pushed her away and out because she is so "self sufficient". She dowsnt have a choice but to be though because her parents are only interested in supporting dd2 not her. Its favouritism at its worst.

No we don’t punish but they normally have to actually grow up and support and raise their child with some support. Not housing, free private schools unlimited childcare and so cosy you decide to have a second with a bad dad.

You don’t think some of this home life will
of helped dd1 decide to be so far away.

She has taken over their shared family home and called her sis a sl.

Clearly crimes of the century!

The eldest has moved out. In fact, she moved country. Should the OP kick DD2 out to “keep it fair”? Don’t be ridiculous.

And with regards to the comment she made to her sister, so fucking what. She was a kid when it happened. Young people do and say stupid shit all the time. Especially siblings who don’t get on. I’m sure DD1 has been just as unpleasant to her younger sister.

Bizarre comments on here, truly!

How happy is DD1? My sister and I are somewhat like this. I am very independent and self-sufficient. I went to university and got a degree and made a life for myself away from home.

My sister is much more of a homebody. She lived with my parents until she got married and now lives around the corner from them. She calls my mum every day.

Yes, she's probably received far more support from my parents. My parents will probably do far more childcare etc for her because they're there to do it whereas my son and I live about 300miles away.

I've never felt envious of it (though I do miss my parents a lot more now I have children) and I've never resented either my parents nor my sister. It's perfectly possible that your eldest is perfectly happy and doesn't give the different expressions of love you show to her and her sister a second thought. Although it is possible that previous posters are right and the gulf between you all is widening because you can't or won't acknowledge your eldest's needs.

But you need to have a very tough but delicate conversation with her to find out how SHE feels. You're not unreasonable to support DD2 but you would be unreasonable if you weren't ensuring DD1 feels just as valued.

Not to side with the gran, but according to the lifestyles the two sisters have: Sister 2 just signed off life , going to uni, earning, being responsible for bills, mortgage and a marriage, plus a child. The only thing she did, was to be able to conceive twice by some random bloke with whom she even does not live anymore.....and you are funding this and going to have to fund it forever. These are the facts, ok, not my judgement, opinion or moral stance

I pretty much came to the same conclusion about dd2. Her behaviour is atrocious but she has been totally enabled.

Dd1 is the scapegoat child and dd2 the golden child. Its pretty easy to see why she stays with her grandparents when she visits and is to busy when her parents decide to tear themselves away from dd2 briefly. Once the 2nd grandchild is born things will only get worse. She will be even more pushed out.

Jesus, it seems like to detest your DD1. In truth it seems that your DD2 is lazy and bratty. It does not sound like she does have a job from your posts, doesn[t she?

No wonder DD1 does not have any interest in her nephew. The child is not to blame, you are, but she probably sees him as a representation of your lack of love and attention.

No wonder she prefers her grandmother.

I've had many arguments with my sister, and somehow refrained from calling her a misogynistic slur. And vice versa. In fact, I've somehow refrained from doing that to both friends and acquaintances throughout my entire life, no matter how young or drunk I was.

It's disgusting behaviour.

@Vivi0 I have direct experience. I moved to another country to get away from my abusive parents and their golden child, my sister. My brothers did the same. That is absolutely why we left. And yeah, it feels painfully unfair that we are accused of being less family -focused that her, and told we don't "need" anything because we're "sorted", while she's "had a hard time". We all survived the same abuse, DB1 barely with his life. He was using a lot of drugs to cope for a long time. DB2 was living with me, slept on my sofa, from his early teens. I have PTSD, and am in recovery from anorexia. We don't tell our mum any of this stuff because historically, when we've asked for help it's been taken as an insult by her - we're selfish, spoilt, demanding, lazy etc etc.

Maybe you haven't met the "it's not fair brigade" in real life because they can tell you'd be dismissive and rude too.

I wonder how many of people saying there's nothing wrong with the situation a) have been the Golden Child themselves, b) have a favourite child who just 'needs' more help or c) both

Do you work op? Empty nest time when dc go to uni is a really hard time as a mum. Lots of women struggle. It sounds like dc2’s pregnancy whilst a shock may have actually given you a purpose and you wholeheartedly embraced being a ‘parent’ to grandson as gave you purpose again.
What were your plans and dreams before becoming a granny. Perhaps you’d talked about travelling with dh or a different career and all dc1 sees is you stuck at home due to her sister’s decisions.
It sounds like sisters never close especially in teen years. I can’t imagine a uni student being overly bothered with a baby, if she was coming home to everyone treating nephew like greatest thing and her room taken off her and filled with baby stuff bought by you I can see how resentment has grown.
Her sister calling her that name is awful I wouldn’t minimise it, I’m not surprised dd1 bit back that it was bit rich coming from a teen mum.
Going forward I’d see dd1 separately as much as I could and really reflect on if mollycoddling dc2 is best thing for her long term.

But DD2 doesn't have SEN...

There is nothing stopping DD2 just because she has had 2 children at a young age in accomplishing other things as the years go in and her children get older .
She may run and own a hairdressing salon have her own businesses .
She may do something completely different.
I think your mum is out of order they're not her children and to cause a rift is exactly what she is doing.
Speak to DD1 ask her if she has spoken to her grandparent tell her what's been said and reassure her you are always there for her aswell .. she shouldn't look down on her sister or judge her as one day she may want exactly what she has "a family " but as she is so academic she may struggle with this.
It also doesn't make her any better than her sister she should know not to judge people and may need a helping hand in being a little bit softer in her view of her.

How does DD1 feel?

I think your mum has a point DD is 23, living with you and a child and has now happily announced another is on the way. I think it is CF to expand your family when she lives with you. These days pregnacy can be avoided, and while I appreciate maybe at 19 she was careless but at 23 having a second and playing at mummies and daddies is selfish. You say shes more family focused but of course she is, because shes home benefiting from it. Shes got babysitters on had, able to train on her new job, have her BF over saturday nights and now a new baby.

And while im sure you love DDs equally and are incredibly proud of DD1, its not just how you feel but what they all see. Clearly your mum sees her DGD making repeatedly lazy choices, and I dont judge her as a single mum or being less ambitious or intellectual but shes about to pause hairdressing again to have another child. Shes been with her partner at least 5years so why dont they have a family home by now? If they're having another as well? Have you spoken to her about her plans? Your DM has a point about DD2 needing to be accountable.

But I think your mum is a bitch for comparing their looks and intelligence. That was nasty and uncalled for

No we don’t punish but they normally have to actually grow up and support and raise their child with some support. Not housing, free private schools unlimited childcare and so cosy you decide to have a second with a bad dad.

How many people actually do this though?

So, according to you, it absolutely fine for people to rely on the Government for help with housing, free schooling and childcare, but not your own parents. And I hate to break it to you, but many people do go on to have more than just 2 children with a bad dad. Sometimes there are multiple fathers. Should they face consequences too?

You don’t think some of this home life will of helped dd1 decide to be so far away.

Yeah, it must be traumatising to see your family expanding. I can’t imagine how upsetting it is to come home to visit your parents and, gasp, there is a nephew there too, and another on the way. Horrifying.

Exactly this.

I know when this happened to me, it felt to me as though my mother was minimising or dismissing the praise I'd received externally.

My achievement was expected. Others were praised for doing less than I had done.

Its not fine or good for either outside of the extreme circumstances.

I was that young mum pregnant living at home. I moved out with my partner. We sorted our own home. Our own childcare. He worked while I studied. We had more children and marriage. We both work.

We didn’t rely on our parents or the government to fund us we didn’t only see each other once a week. He parented his children with me.

Anyone who continues to create more babies with different or the same people/person that are bad parents, man or women need to take a look at their choices. Because they are repeatedly making poor ones.

Not because sister had a baby but because sister has always been the one “needing more” while older is see as the reliable independent one. Because she has to be.

Nice to see a younger sibling here though.