The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I mean your Mum isn't wrong is she? Which is probably why it's bothered you so much.
Your youngest has had a child and is pregnant again to a man she doesn't actually have a life with, he stays over once a week? Wtf, that's a casual shag.
You've enabled her and are continuing to do so. Your oldest will see her sister as the favourite, even if she doesn't voice this. I feel for her.

Have you sat down with DD1 and asked how she feels?
The comments from your parents surely haven't come from nowhere, I'm sure there will have been discussions between grandparents and DD1, especially if she stays there when she visits
Just because DD1 is more independent, doesn't mean she doesn't still need her mum and dad. You mentioned that you felt you had to give DD2 more attention at home as DD1 got more external validation, but have you considered the effect on DD1 of not getting validation at home?

It’s likely dd 2 has gone for number 2 knowing Op will house them and run around after her and grandchildren.
If she was working, living alone and facing a school and nursery run in her own I bet she’d have held on until she was in her own home with bf.

Eeeeekkkkk

You are just deepening the estrangement / rift / whatever.

Please go to counselling over this so someone can reflect back to you what you are saying.

Your youngest daughter harassed her sister, has taken over what little space there was for her in your home, she keeps getting pregnant to someone who hasn’t bothered to live with her for five years.

And you’re happy that she needs you, that by having another baby the need starts up again and they need your money for private school.

Your failure to help daughter two to launch is all about your need for dependency. Your enablement and pity for her is undermining her independence.

Please go to counselling and take this seriously. Everyone else can see it. Your Mum and your daughter can see it clearly.

The more you defend / explain the worse it gets.

Is hair dressing normally a 4 year plus course?

Talking to my hairdresser there is a huge shortage of salons willing to take on apprenticeships or newly qualified she tries to train two a year but said she won’t be taking any this year.

Op will probably have to let her start off doing clients at home.

Sure some people make good money hairdressing but there are also a lot who do it as top up money working around their children along side their husband’s full time jobs. No shade to dd2 here but with her track record despite being smart enough for uni I’d say she’s the top up kind of hair dresser.

You assume that because DD1 was beautiful and intelligent that life was easier for her. But that may not be true at all. People struggle in different ways and when their parents assume things are easy for them or if they don’t voice their struggles in the same way as their siblings then - it can be hard to get the support they need.

Also it may not be that you treated them the same. You say that DD1 got a lot of external praise and that you had to “balance it out at home”. This sounds like you I praised DD2 more at home. In reality it is parental praise that teenagers need - not external validation. She may have been extremely hurt and it may well have looked to her that you preferred DD2.

I would look at your motivations here. You are enabling DD2 to stay at your place with her son and not fully take responsibility for herself and her family as an adult. You should be respecting her new family and pushing her out of the very comfy nest you have build and into a nest she builds for her own new family. She should be building a life and home her partner and kids and not taking the easy road by staying with you guys. There should be nothing stopping her moving out and renting her own place - especially as you say you have money for a deposit when she wants to buy.

It sounds like you are very comfortable look after people and being needed. This may have drawn you closer to DD2 as it fulfills a deep need in you. But your role as mother changes when children become adults and you should stop trying to take care of everyone and let DD2 see that she needs to create her own independent life. I know it will be hard to say goodbye to your DD2 and GC when they move out - but they need to start life on their own.

She did. Her issue is with OP’s favoritism towards her youngest. There’s no way to address that without mentioning DD1.

Again, that doesn’t mean she’s acting as a mouthpiece for DD1.

Your younger daughter needs you more so it makes sense that you give her more. What are you supposed to do - throw her out in the street just because DD1 doesn't also need a place to live? Move in with DD1 and help her keep house because that's what DD2 needs from you right now? DD1 should count her blessings.

exactly. this is me and my brothers’ story. amongst other things, such as the flat he lives in, our parents paid 50k a year for university fees in europe. he has never been able to hold down a job despite this and doing endless courses etc. has always been supported by them and his gf. he is 35. of course op is convinced this will not happen to her dd2. just wait and see. the relationship between siblings is likely forever damaged due to the blatant favouritism, but this is also not something op will ever own up to..

I really disagree with your thought process here. It doesn't matter if everyone else in the world was praising DD1, if you 'balanced things out' by giving DD2 more praise at home, then you showed obvious favouritism.

Praise from teachers and extended family just doesn't compare to praise from your own parents.

OP, you also need to address the misogyny your D2 has shown towards her older sister.

Where did that come from? You? You seem to value women who have children more than women with accomplishments. Where did your D2 learn to call women misogynist names about their sex lives?

That you didn't come down like a boulder on that shows D2 you share those views and or she's safe expressing misogyny because you enable even that towards your oldest.

OP you've said
Taking from DD2 just so it’s closer to DD1 doesn’t feel right and DD1 isn’t asking for anything else.

Why doesn't it feel right? It would be giving equally to your children.

The school fees issue - that is also unequal as whoever has more children gets more. Does DD1 know this is going to be offered?

The holidays - taking DD2 and child on two holidays a year is a lot on top of your other help for them. Does the boyfriend come too? Had you thought about making it one trip a year, and offering the other to DD1 to go somewhere of her choice?

You said DD2 goes out whenever DD1 is there - is she able to do that because you'll always look after your grandson? Which also means DD1 won't be able to have an adult conversation with you as you'll be babysitting?

Lastly, why did DD2 choose to have a second child when they're supposedly saving for a house? It does feel a bit as if life has been made easy and you soak up all the obstacles to doing whatever they feel like.

Rubbish. The mother is just as bad for being so judgmental towards dd2. Who the hell are you to say her decisions are bad? Not everyone is cut out for university it a high flying career and that does NOT make them inferior people. Just different. Fed up with people seeing a university education as the be all and end all of like. It really isn’t.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

But she's right isn't she? Is she one of the grandparents who has paid for Uni? The Uni which your DD1 grabbed with both hands and your DD2 fucked up and wasted?

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc.

Who normally goes with you? Perhaps your mum has wanted to say something for ages but has not had the chance.

Honestly, ditch the private school, give both DDs equal money for a house deposit and allow DD2 to actually grow up. I can't believe you are fine with your grandson's parents living 2 hours apart. Why doesn't she go up and live with his parents so they can be together as a family (assuming they're stupid enough to put up with it)?

You’ve spectacularly missed the point. It’s not about university, it’s about making sensible choices. Having a second child whilst sponging off your parents is not a wise choice. Or maybe it is! In this case, mummy and daddy are paying for it all: roof over her head, nursery fees, school fees, extra curricular. Might as well pop out a couple more!

I have a younger sister, she is pandered to beyond belief. My mum literally raises her kids & does everything for her to the detriment of our relationship. I own a business and my mum works for me, any money she earns goes to my sister an her kids, despite my sister and her partner earning a decent amount of money. Whenever I’ve raised my concerns about how I don’t get the same kind of support / childcare help / compassion or my child doesn’t get any kind of time with her granny, I’m told that I’m independent & I’m ‘doing alright’ - I’m doing alright because I need to. I’m surviving because I need to, I don’t have a back up, I don’t have someone to take my child to school if I’m feeling like I can’t face the world.

please do not assume that because your DD1 doesn’t ask for anything that it means she doesn’t need it, you’ll cause irreparable damage. My relationship with my mum is non existent, she’s an employee now, that’s it,

You need to look at yourself OP. You may give them what they need and that means one gets morei. Those circumstances. However, I am dd1 and my sis is dd2 and despite choices and lifestyle differences my mum gave us exactly the same. To the penny, to the cuddle, everything. At times things ebbed and flowed, as life does. My DSis still lives at home and works in a low paid job. I earn many times more than her but we are very close. Because despite me living away, me having qualifications and her saying put there was no favouritism from our parents and therefore nothing to divide us. Therefore we love and appreciate each other and help each other as there is no resentment.

Better than the Government paying for it, surely?

No wonder the OP hasn’t come back to this thread.

The venom towards her and her younger daughter has completely crossed the line, and to be honest, is quite frankly disturbing.

I have never seen posters get this worked up when it’s the tax payer paying towards the raising of children and a roof over their heads.

The absolute distain and contempt for women, especially mothers, on Mumsnet is so, so disappointing.

This is such a tricky dynamic. It must be very hard to deal with.
First off, I’d be encouraging your daughters to accept each other as they are and be kind. Neither should be making such judgemental comments and both sound quite insecure. I think that can happen between siblings where one excels and that’s not any fault of yours. Your mum on the other hand is being really harsh here. It’s quite obvious dd1 has been offloading to her. Rather than listen and reassure dd1 that her parents love her dearly and are proud of her she’s whipped up a storm. She could’ve gently told you Dd1 was feeling insecure without completely trashing dd2. I’d also be encouraging dd2s independence rather than enabling her by providing too much support. Hairdressers can earn quite a decent salary so she needs to be saving every penny whilst living at home. If hairdressing and having a family make her happy then that’s success in my book. Working towards independence will also give her self esteem a boost especially if she gets the sense she is being judged by her Nan and sister. If it were me, I’d ask your mum to be more supportive, check in with dd1 and send her some love whilst working towards building dd2s independence. Best of luck with this op it’s not easy trying to keep the peace!! X

Extended family units are natural, the modern version of isolated nuclear families is stressful and abnormal.

Oh please. There is nothing natural, traditional, or healthy about the father of those children turning up once a week for his Netflix and Chill, fathering another child and pissing off again.

I think your mum is right.

DD2 sounds spoilt, she's 23 with a child and another on the way, and she's still sponging off her parents and relying on them to do parenting. Her own lack of self esteem led her to rail at DD1 in an incredibly misogynistic way (what else was DD1 supposed to say in return?! Should she have been quiet and aloof just because she's so beautiful and intelligent?), and this caused a rift.

DD2 needs to grow up. Choosing to have another baby while she still lives with her parents is just proof that she expects to be looked after. You've obviously pitied her and this had led to the position she's now in. DD1 might need different things in terms of support, but that doesn't mean she doesn't need anything at all. She may well be too busy to chat much on the phone, or she might just not want to bother because she knows you don't hold the same interest in her as you do DD2.

Just because you paid for lots of extra curricula activities for DD1 growing up doesn't mean you've given them the same care.

Op's story is rather colourful and she hasn't been back...
daughter in Paris, skiing, Italian boyfriend private school in Brighton, all very sus as my kids would say 🙃the replies have been amazing though. A stark reminder to not treat my dc in this way.

Learned helplessness is the worst.

Because posters related to the favourite sibling and it’s always the one who then fails to launch.

Always being the sensible one the one who doesn’t need help. But what that actually Means most of the time is they learnt to cope, they learnt don’t ask.

I had my children young. But I didn’t live with my mum expecting her to fund them. I moved out with my partner before my first was even born. I didn’t go on to have more with a once a week dad.

So I stood on my own two feet I don’t need help, I don’t need mum doing my washing. I don’t need her to watch my children Even for 10 minutes every day taking advantage.

Ops youngest has zero consequences for any of her actions her oldest copes because she has to there is no time or space for her it’s all
her sisters and nephews.

She’s doing nothing wrong.
She has taken over their shared family home and called her sis a sl**.

I have two sister in laws who are very strategic in their accidental pregnancies and you could have placed a certain bet on three women in wider family having whoopsies nine months before the youngest is due to start school.