The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I think you are overcompensating with DD2.
having her and her child/ren living with you will of course change the dynamic of your family. I understand completely why you have done this but the support has now changed to enabling and made things all a bit too easy and convenient for her hence her decision to have another child in less than ideal circumstances.
It’s not your oldest DDs fault that she is more successful or more attractive which I think you realise but your youngest daughter needs to think about moving out and gaining some independence.
have a very deep in-depth chat to your oldest DD. She’s the only one who can tell you if she is unhappy .

Have you tried to look at it from dd1 pov or are you just forever to busy forgiving / reaping the consequences of dd2's life choices to actually bother.

In your op you've said a few times how dd1 needs less. How so? Maybe now but what about later can you equal it out so she certain to get more later. Or will there be nothing left for her as inevitably it wojldve all gone on your own expenses and dd2 choices. How is that fair to dd1 just because she chose different she gets less help or money?

I can see where your mum is coming from and your the reason why dd1 will be feeling resentment even more towards dd2 because your not towing the middle line with them both but pandering to dd2.

How do you know ow DD1 won’t ask parents for help. Help and support comes in many different guises

It’s obvious she won’t. She has distanced herself and makes a token effort once a year. That’s not someone who sees their mother as a great support.

I think dd1 will go to gran for help. Mums too busy. Too involved in raising her grandchild.

Other wise she would already be making more time for dd1. Like the suggestions of city breaks rather than holidays with sister who doesn’t get on with and a child. That way op could holiday with both her children individually keeping her relationship good but nope. If dd1 doesn’t want the baby holiday tough titties. Op will only see her three times a years.

YANBU.

It’s not your mother’s place to stick her nose in and have opinions on your mothering, or choice to support your grandchild.

It’s outrageous that she’s done a character assassination on your younger daughter.

Your younger daughter is not a lesser person because she chose to have a family young, because she and you choose to live together, or because she’s not as academic. (Also having a child young is not a bad decision, there are benefits such as not being saddled with childcare and eldercare at the same time, plus early childcare is out of the way before being free to progress in her career)

She's not taking advantage if you’re happy to help with grandchildren. Extended family units are natural, the modern version of isolated nuclear families is stressful and abnormal.

However, you are obviously giving much, much more time, resources and attention to your younger daughter.

As a consequence, your elder daughter feels resentful and less loved. Honestly, it’s not fair on her, and you’ll have to do something to show you are there for her. However, she shouldn’t be attacking or judging her younger sister. She’s doing nothing wrong.

I think anyone's opinion of your treatment to DD1, including your mother's comments, are a distraction, because all you can control is the quality of your relationship with your daughters.

In my view, the best thing you could do in this situation would be to ask your DD1 directly if she needs any more support. I.e 'Hi DD1, I'm just messaging to check in with you and to see if there's any support you need from me or your Dad at the moment. We are so proud of you, and I am constantly in awe of your independence and how hard you have worked, but I hope you know that although you don't seem to need as much practical support as DD2 at the moment, we are always here if you need anything, and if you did feel that some financial or practical support would be helpful right now, then we would love to know and we would love to provide it. Sometimes I worry that you feel we don't help you as much as DD2 and although I try really hard to give both of you what I need, I'm aware I might miss the mark sometimes'.

That way, you open the door for her to express any unspoken feelings, and you open the door to her getting more support if she needs it.

You could even send the same to DD2 in reverse checking that she is happy with your level of involvement.

A strong vote for talking to your daughters directly.

Exactly - can we all stop acting as though at death each person will be judged on whether they were "independent enough" or "ambitious enough" as if these are the only markers of a happy life.

More and more I just think, what a load of BS when people get so snooty about how can they basically punish their children for their choices by allegedly "teaching" them about "real life". Who actually gives a shit, you don't get to go round life again just because your life and choices were deemed "better" than someone else's.

By all means work on the relationship with your DD1 so she can feel happy too but it doesn't have to involve insisting on your DD2 "grows up" and "achieves her life" on her own when you seem willing and able to support her

I don't think its about needing support.

It's about having parents that enjoying spending time with you, that are interested and curious in the life you lead, the people you meet etc.
Parents that make space for you (physical and emotional).

Its odd that the Op's first response to this is not to review her behaviours but in effect to double down.

What situation is that? Supported by her parents?

There are far worse situations a young mum could be in.

There are far worse situations your sister could be in.

There are many older mothers on here in abusive relationships with no support from anyone...

I think your circumstances are totally different. Your parents were supporting your sibling to be as independent as you.

I'd be delighted if my mum and dad put a deposit on a house for my sister (even though I saved my own) on the condition she got a job to fund the rest of the mortgage and bills. Heck, I'd be happy if they provided her the full loan to buy the house if she couldn't get the mortgage. I'd be delighted if they helped her apply for full time jobs, coached her on skills, employed her in the family business - all leg ups I didn't get.

What I resent is that they allow her to choose to work part time in a passion project of a job while paying her rent and bills. She has absolutely no incentive to get a better paying job or work more hours, while I'm slogging my guts out on sometimes 60 hour weeks to get an equivalent level of lifestyle. Of course, I'm very lucky and successful and it's a shame she's not as clever or qualified as I am. But she's not even working as hard as I am.

OP's story is more than her supporting DD2 in getting qualified. She's actively encouraging her not to be qualified by supporting her having multiple children and not finishing her qualifications.

And Granny could have chosen to speak from her own perspective and left her favourite granddaughter out of it. She didn't.

I bet this is true. Many of us learn not to ask.

It feels strange to believe that supporting your daughters financially as adults only comes about 'if and when grandchildren arrive'. You are also providing a home for DD2 still, as an adult. What financial support do you give DD1 currently? Do you send her money to treat herself / go on holiday - or take the edge off of her household expenses in the way you contribute to DD2?

If one comment about DD2's situation brought about a huge falling out - and DD2 leaves the house on the rare occassions when DD1 visits - that's the real problem here.

Yeah, you're not getting it.

I'd love to be less independent and less ambitious. I'd love to do a job I love 20 hours a week instead (or in the case of OP have multiple babies and not worry about the cost implications of that).

I (and DD1) don't get that choice. It's not fair to offer that choice to one child and not the other. If OP could confirm that she would house DD1 and her two children under 5 if she came knocking tomorrow then that would be different, but DD1 knows full well that she can't come knocking for that, as it isn't available to her.

There's nothing wrong with having a family early - but let's not deny that it's an absolute luxury that's only being afforded to one child here.

Thats me at this stage. Requests for help were seen as an unnecessary burden.

I wont bother asking for help. I dont want it anymore. I'll do it myself.

So for DD2, when her parents die and she's been entirely reliant on them for everything, what does she do? Even if they leave her with all the wealth they seem to have, she hasn't learned how to be a grown up.

Would you want that for a child of yours? Unable to stand on their own two feet in the world, because you'd done it all for them?

It sounds like your mother disapproves of DD2s pregnancies and career choice and is blaming you. She’s insinuating it’s because of how you’ve parented both of them. Sounds like they’re both following their own path, and you’re supporting both of them as needed.

She’s training as a hair stylist so won’t be dependent on her parents long term.

I can’t read any more of the complete snobbery on this post regarding the OPs DD2. You can tell there are a lot of posters on here don’t live in the real world. I feel for the OP coz she’s been picked apart on this post and actually whatever she did she couldn’t win anyway, Her children are so different to each other .
Ignore the judgement @Allosie one day your DD1 might actually come to you and understand that you’re doing what you think is best and maybe once she has kids herself she will understand why you’re supporting her Sister more.

She's doing a course, with a track record of dropping out of courses and not sticking to anything, and is pregnant again, with no current source of income.

These are the actions of someone who knows they'll always be bailed out.

If it's snobbery to want your DC and their partners to parent, house and pay for the children they decided to have, I am happy to be a snob.

D1 can't go to her mom because the younger sister has ousted her from the family and OP is cool with that. OP wouldn't do squat for D1 because she's too busy with D2 and her kid and D1 knows that. Look at the way OP talks about her not being family oriented when OP and D2 pushed her out in the first place. That's cold.

Why do you think OP's mom had a talk with her? She sees an estrangement fostered by D2 and OP and she's heard D1's side of it and she's Team D1.

That there are worse situations does not make the one she’s in a good one. It isn’t. it’s a shit one, just not as shitty as it could be.

She’s utterly dependent on her mother for security and stability. She’s not living, and has never lived, as an equal and autonomous adult. OP is the one with all the power in the relationship, and they both know it. Neither she nor her boyfriend are able to provide for themselves and their children. They can’t even live together in their own nuclear family unit. I doubt she’d still be living with her parents if she and her boyfriend had enough to provide at least the same.

But she will be: unless she becomes very successful very quickly she will struggle to pay the school fees. Her parents will likely always pay these.

I assume this is affordable for two - but she could go on for have more children after her second one and hence of her sister has say two will the parents be able to afford private school for all their grandchildren?

I wonder has this even been discussed, arguably they could have anywhere up to 8 grandchildren! I know lots of people now who have four children.