The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Have you read the rest of the OP’s comments? It IS a competition, because that’s how she sees it. She’s consistently played down her DD1’s looks and achievements so that DD2 does feel bad, while also showering DD2 and her GC with cash (paying for private school!) and attention. Her DD1 doesn’t even have a bedroom at the house.

I don’t think it sounds like that at all, given that DD1 hasn’t said anything about it. She’s right to not want or need OP’s help, and I don’t think forging closer ties with OP would be to her either benefit tbh. She’s deliberately distanced herself from this dynamic, the last thing she should want is to be drawn back into it.

I can well believe she doesn’t resent the ‘help’ her sister is getting, but sees it for the trap it is, keeping her firmly in her mother’s orbit and under her control. That isn’t something to envy, but to pity.

It’s OP’s mother that has addressed this dynamic with OP, and that doesn’t mean she’s doing so because her eldest grandchild wants her to. OP thinks her mother is playing favorites, but the issue isn’t so much favoritism itself, but that she’s picked the wrong grandchild.

I totally relate. Mine coo over how clever and ‘amazing’ I am to hide the fact they make absolutely zero effort with either me or my kids. My mum has always tried to ‘equalise’ things between me and my sister which means in practice I work for stuff and she gives the same to my sister. They helped her buy a house, I got nothing. Gave her a huge wedding. Me - nothing. Helped loads with her kids. Never once even babysat for mine (who are now teenagers). It’s been like this since we were tiny. But of course I’m so ‘capable’ that it’s allll fiiiiine. Sounds like yours come as a similarly enmeshed narcissistic double act.

You really don't seem to be paying attention to what people are saying.

I'm one of 3 and the youngest. My eldest brother was everything you DD1 is, talented, handsome, intelligent and driven - if I had ever blamed him for the way other people treated me my parents would have put me in my place so fast my feet wouldn't have touched the ground.
From all the interactions you've listed so far your DD2 makes a point of going after her sister and you allow it and back her up.

My mother couldn't care less how old we are, if we step out of line towards family we would be told, in no uncertain terms, to sort ourselves out.

DD1 probably chose to be away from you for this exact reason.

You need to pull your head out of the sand, apologise to DD1 and sort DD2 out. It's nobody's fault she's not as pretty as her sister, but she had every opportunity to apply herself and chose not to (probably enabled by you from what you've said). She doesn't get to use her school bullying to be entitled and rude. Make her go and stay with the grandparenr for a weekend and let DD1 actually come home, and get the same privilege her sister gets daily.

Absolute joke she can't even go home without being put upon by DD2 - she has chosen a child free youth and has every right to enjoy it your DGS is not her responsibility.

I also hope you're putting aside an equal amount of money that you spend on DGS - to ensure DD1 gets a fair an equal amount of support from the get go.:.anyone can pay lips service but how are you proving to DD1 she will get equal support?

I don’t think it sounds anything like that.

Hah - now I have a name for my childhood. Goldenballs syndrome. I was the youngest growing up in the shadow of my older DB. Everything was focused on him, his education and, when he left school at 16, my mum supported him living at home. In the meantime, I trudged along through life fending for myself, labelled the 'sensible' one.

It is hard to explain the feeling of being one of the outer planets in your family's solar system but the general lack of interest, let alone support, really gets you down over time. I'm not surprised the OP's DD1 is building up a separate network of support. That is what we do.

I don’t see it as like that at all. Helping DD2 would have been saying how can I support you go move out with your boyfriend and support yourself. The Op has money to help with a deposit on a property which she could have given to both and then she could have helped facility her child moving into the next stage in her life. What has happened is that the DD2 is living a highly subsidised lifestyle with no immediate prospect of moving out with her partner. Instead she is so confident of her mum’s support that she has got pregnant again. DD1 surely just wants equity which she’s not getting. If these were my daughters anything I spend on DD2 and grandchild (school fees, food, rent subsidies ) I would be putting the exact amount in an account for DD1 for her to access when she needs it. It is the minimum to make the child feel equally valued. I would then ask DD1 what relationship she wants with the OP. Quarterly mother daughter weekends? Etc? Something that is suited to DD1’s lifestyle.

DD1 will have been talking to OP's mother. And Nana has taken it upon herself to be the mouthpiece.

DD1 will never want a close relationship with OP, unless she has a complete personality transplant. She just does not like DD2 having that type of relationship.

This is myself and my sibling...only I'm the youngest, haven't spoken to sibling in years and very little contact with DM infact for a good 7 years there was none due to it.

My DM would deny, deny, deny and say exactly the same as you, yet never once did she help my family out, yet my sibling is now in her late 60's and her DC are still sponging off of DM as they've become so used to it.

Finally DM has come to the mind that it hasn't help sibling and her DC learn to do things for themselves and stand on their own two feet...infact 2 out of the 3 have never worked.

Leave your 2 DC to lead their own lives and if DD1 doesn't want to have a relationship with DD2 that's up to her.

Do you think it’s good for your grandchildren that they don’t see their dad much?

Dd1 has basically had her achievements played down and passed off as luck with a thrown in of her being pretty so pretty privilege.

Dd2 got bullied not by her sister and called her sister a slag. Dropped out of uni pregnant. She gets fully funded by her mother including private schooling for the grandchild.

Dd1 gets pulls up on not giving her nephew enough attention yet doesn’t even have a space to sleep in her mothers home. Invited on let’s face it grandchild centric holidays and op wonders why she never comes. Rather than her dd1 how about me, your father and you go on a city break it’s eugh her loss she doesn’t come on what will likely be a trip of watching her parents pander to her sister with their wallets open some more.

We don’t have any idea of ops husbands stance he doesn’t seem to exist.

Granny however is the one who opens her home to dd1 when she comes back to visit and is the one actually doing stuff with dd1.

OPs failing both her adult children. Dd1 has basically lived a life of hand waving but you do so well. Dd2 is continuing to be treated like she does no wrong and has no responsibility. No well raised adult child still living at home with a near deadbeat baby daddy decides to have a second with him with mummy footing the bill.

I say deadbeat because he comes once a week for face it a shag.

One baby it’s oops oh well let’s do the best. Two with a shoulder shrug is wow I’m disappointed (on the inside) and finding a place for her to live.

Also poor grand baby. Daddy barely there. Granny playing mummy. Private school where he really won’t be fitting in with his peers as most of the parents won’t be in their 20’s living with their mum and dad and still in training with no job

And you think that is OK for DD2 to say to her sister?

Have you had a proper conversation with DD1 since this revelation from her grandparents and genuinely asked her opinion and thoughts? When one DD lives with you, your relationship is clearly going to be skewed in that direction, especially when the DD don't get on. I don't think things will improve for DD1 until DD2 moves out and your home becomes a more neutral space.7

DD1 is obviously not going to go on group family holidays when she doesn't get on with DD2. If you want to have holidays with her you need to suggest alternative ones.

Have you told DD1 that you have money put away for her future children to attend private school?

Granny was and is capable of observing OP herself, and having her own issues with it. The DD1 may have spoken to her grandmother, sure, but that doesn’t mean she wanted her grandmother to interfere on her behalf.

‘She just does not like DD2 having that type of relationship.’

So she doesn’t actually hate her sister then. Because the sister’s situation is not something you should want for anyone you love.

I am another DD1 here, except I am a second generation DD1. My siblings are DD2, as is my mother. Financially we sound like very similar families too, even down to who funds private schooling. My dad is not on the scene really (long divorced), largely due to the enmeshment between my mother and her mother.

Like others, I was always seen as the capable independent one who achieved. The resilient one (and I have been through utterly terrible things) who always figured things out. I have two degrees, a house, a career, a car and I live several hours from them. I live so far and visit so little as it’s better for my mental health.

My mother and siblings have always been seen as the opposite. The ones who were always seen to need more help and support. Always struggled more. None of them work, none of them have any qualifications or long term jobs (they were perfectly capable, just “didn’t have the drive” or “couldn’t cope” - because they were coddled). All of them are grown adults who live with my grandparents, in part due to my mother’s poor choices due to the coddling - but my grandparents solved it by allowing them all to move in (again) and fund everything. Even housework is too much of an ask for them. They give nothing back.

The enmeshment and disparity does not go unnoticed. My grandparents mostly raised my siblings and I. We were close but now as an adult I can see the issues the behaviours have caused. My cousins, my mother’s siblings, other relatives… we all see it and have seen it for decades. It has had a profound effect on our relationship as a family and caused many rifts and feuds over the years. It has impacted how I form relationships too. Now I’m an adult I am closer to the other members of my family as they understand how I feel.

Yes it’s nice that their poor choices have always had a safety net. It’s nice my grandparents financially supported them. However that option has never been there for the rest of us (no room in the house and no money to spare anymore). I have been through hell and it was still assumed that I would sort it myself as I always do. I cannot ask for help as my grandparents are so focussed on my mother and my siblings and my mother and siblings wouldn’t.

And now to top it off my grandparents are elderly and not in good health, my mother is also ill. Because they’re all so incapable and apparently struggle so much, guess who is expected to pick up the pieces even from afar? Me. I dread to think what my siblings will do when my grandparents and mother are no longer around. I won’t be helping or housing though.

You are doing your DD2 and her children absolutely no favours by encouraging such a situation to go on. Your DD2 can live at home, multi-generational living is common after all, but she should still be encouraged to act as a responsible adult who can stand on her own two feet and raise her own children. It is only right and the best thing for her and her children! Your DD1 is right to stay away like she does as it is likely better for her own mental health. Hopefully she will not be burdened in the future like I am nowadays!

DBAC!

The OP hasn't suggested DD2 wasn't academically capable. She went to university after all, albeit dropping out. There's no suggestion she couldn't have had a similar life to her sister had she made other choices.

I’m pretty sure that if DD1 needed help from you, you would be there straightaway. But she hasn’t needed it. There’s no telling how life might throw her a few curved balls now and then when she needs support. Dd2 has chosen a life that’s kept her close to you. Who knows, one day she may have her own successful salon. She’s had her children early so may sparkle in later life. Just support your DDs in their chosen path as you see fit and let their DG pursue her own ends. If what you’re doing makes you all happy then it’s no one else’s business. Just tell your mother you will agree to differ

DD2 has timed her second pregnancy well - just when her child has gone to school and she can't use having a pre-schooler as an excuse not to stand on her own two feet and get on with a career. She'll be the mother of a new born/pre-schooler and unable to make progress being independent for another 4-5 years now.

"Now I’ve read more of the snippets you’ve added.
You have plenty of money it seems. Why are you not helping get Dd installed into a rental or buy a 2 bed flat? (In her name, as her dud loser bf only visits for sex once a week.)
They should be living together & doing the school drop off etc. Food shopping, cooking, bath times …,,,,
Most women can have a bunch if kids if there is no financial responsibility.
I’m not remotely surprised that Dd1 doesn't want to go on holiday with you & Dd1, her bf & kid/s. Just to watch the whole shitshow.
Spoilt madame dd2 & her dc have cuckooed her out if any meaningful welcome in her childhood home.
Truthfully, she is naturally going to be happiest far away from the pain she must feel when she visits"

What does DBAC mean? Don’t Be A C…?!

much more family oriented than her sister.

How could your older daughter be family oriented when you and your younger have blocked her from staying in the family home for visits? Your D2 refuses to give up her room and room in with her kid for a night or 2. She calls her names. She's actively working to keep her older sister out of your home.

Your D2 is already a failure to launch due to the golden child dynamic you've fostered. Do you want your grandkids to not be able to be independent of you too and also be failures to launch like their parents? Your family money will possibly be gone by the time they reach adulthood since their parents don't have self supporting careers. Older sister will not be rescuing them, she's already estranged from her younger sister. She isn't interested in raising D2's kids when you age out of that or there's a serious health issue.

Interesting timing re these pregnancies. D1 has issues that need family support, but here comes Baby 1. Now her kid is older, going to school, and here comes Baby 2 so she won't be expected to work full time. Girl is 23 and knows how pregnancy happens. She's not a good mom having another kid when she can't even support her first. You've shielded her from the consequences of her unwise decisions and I'm sure you'll continue to do so. But that costs her too. She can't function as an independent adult and that's going to limit her the rest of her life unless she grows up or you stop enabling her.

Quite! The OP says:

While DD2 always struggled more, she wasn’t naturally inclined to be studious, jumped from hobby to hobby, was bullied in school.

So basically she didn't want to study (some might say lazy)and didn't want to stick at any extra curriculars (some might say looking a gift horse in the mouth); so the opportunities were there for the taking and DD2, through choices she made, rejected them. Obviously being bullied is horrendous and must have been a horrible and traumatic experience for a young girl; but the OP transferred her to a different school and it appears that she did well enough academically for a university place and, potentially, a very different life to the one she's ultimately chosen.

I disagree if DD2 wrote on here she was struggling then all would be saying have you got family support.
DD1 lives away, is clearly independent and has secured decent well paid job, her mum is proud of her, she has just got a different outlook on life and different priorities. No one is saying DD1 is loosing out apart from the interfering grandmother.
Obviously OP is a very hands on person and would be there if DD1 needed anything.

But DD1 knows not to go to her for help or support because everything is about her pregnant sister and nephew. She'll go to her Granny for that or maybe the nice Italian MIL.