The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I spent HOURS tutoring my sister through her GCSEs. I was there for her when she opened them and I celebrated with her that she got the D she needed to get into the course she was after, because we all knew she was going to struggle.

What I remember is how mine were brushed aside, it was expected that I get them and not seen to be an achievement. As it has been with literally everything I've ever achieved. Not celebrated because it's just expected I do well for myself. I had no support with revision, no support with job interviews, nothing to help me develop my career. Everything was on my own shoulders.

Alongside that I've been fed the narrative my entire life that we have to support my sister. She needs looking after, she needs support, she needs us. No one has ever thought I might need something.

Same! Whenever I go to visit my parents - which isn’t that often - my sister always turns up or my mum tries to make me see her. My mum is deluded enough to think that if we spend more time together, I’ll grow to like my sister, instead of the reality which is the more time I spend with her, the more I think she’s a manipulative narcissist who couldn’t tell the truth if her life depended on it. My sister never comes to visit me independently- she’s not interested in me at all, she just wants to make sure there’s no opportunity for mum to
focus on me. Ahhh! This thread is triggering!

OP's DD2 went to University but didn't go back after having her baby. She obviously didn't struggle academically like your sister.

Rest assured that you have nothing to feel sad about. I live an absolutely charmed life and my mother adores me. The fact that my sister gets the appropriate support she needs from our parents is neither here nor there.

Having spent some time on this thread reflecting on my mother I am going to call her today for a nice chat, because having seen some of the petty responses here I am feeling extra appreciative of the example of compassion and equity that she gave me. Marvellous woman.

Yep. This exactly. And I'm constantly told I need to look out for her. No one seems to look out for me except me (and now DH).

Yes @thepariscrimefiles I suspect that @Allosie sees herself much more in her DD2, and values motherhood far above anything else. She doesn't sound particularly close to, or sympathetic with her elder DD; doesn't much seem to like her.

I think eldest children, and girls in particular, carry a huge burden from their mothers - they're the first DC, so cherished in that way, but also recipient of all the difficulties any woman might have in the huge life change of becoming a mother. Eldest DDs seem to absorb this in ways that don't happen with subsequent children (or boys for that matter). I see this in friends who are eldest daughters - we gravitate to one another.

But second & subsequent children are much easier maybe because parents are not learning on them! It's just easier to cope emotionally (if not energy & sleep-wise) because you've been through it and have learned some strategies to deal with the emotional toll of babies.

I suspect that the OP has always found her second child just easier. And as her DD2 has settled down (well sort of!) to produce grandchildren, they have much more in common.

I think the bit you're missing is that those of us you're calling petty didn't get the appropriate support we needed from our parents while they were giving it to a sibling.

Absolutely!

Did you and their father support yourself's and them or did you become dependent on your parents and actively choose to have another baby prior to qualifying and whilst still financially dependent on your parents?

The issue here isn't having a child young, it's about being financially dependent on your parents and choosing to have another child whilst remaining financially dependent on your parents.

When I was young this was often the case with the brother being favoured whether or not he did well.
We called it Goldenballs Syndrome, where the male son was revered.

I feel very sorry for the sibling who works hard but any success is treated as expecting no less whereas the sibling who learns to barely tie their bootlaces is endlessly applauded.
It costs real hurt in those that succeed.

My mother believed taking a quarter of my part time earnings was a good lesson for me at 16, despite the fact that I never asked for a penny from my parents from 13 onwards, as I was an in demand babysitter.
I happily paid for my clothes, books, uniform, bus rides etc., without discussion, I just did it.

It stung though when my parents handed money over to my sister endlessly, and when she briefly worked post university, wouldn't dream of taking a penny from her.

I enjoyed reminding my mother of this, much to her embarrassment, in front of my fiancé.

As a parent, threads like this are important to remind readers how important it is to be even handed with your children, lest you drive them away.

OP should talk to her youngest daughter about contraception, there really is no excuse for a second pregnancy, beyond her determination to dig herself even deeper into the family home.

Granny may be a bit sharp in her delivery, but she's not wrong to be appalled at these multiple pregnancies whilst living at home, hours away from the father🙄.

FFS you have spectacularly missed the point.

Your mum obviously showed you love, support and appreciation and met your needs as well as meeting your sister's vastly different needs. Great! Good for her and you.

The thread is about a family where one daughter's needs (and wants) are prioritised over the other daughter's. And many posters are sharing their stories of how they were ignored, neglected, expected to just get on with things and meet their own needs while their siblings were given endless attention and help.

You may have grown up with brains but you don't seem to have developed much empathy, compassion, or ability to understand that not everything is about you.

I think your family has been overly generous with both your children tbh. It's nice that you are so wealthy that you can support them in the way that you have but I don't think it does them any favours in the long run. I would be really unhappy if my daughter had two children so young when she can't even adequately house herself, and is living separately from the father.

I think your mum has a point.

Agree, though I just have to say for my own sake that I'm the younger daughter in my family, and was the youngest child for nearly a decade and definitely the daughter who's seen as not needing - so doesn't get - any support!

You sound very sensible in your approach to your two very different DDs.

I wouldn't change anything in your approach. Your mother taking sides is annoying, but don't let it affect what you do. Only that you may want to check in plenty with DD1 so there is no way she can be feeling neglected by you, or have any unmet needs that you are unaware of.

I wouldn't underestimate the effect of DD2 wanting a closer relationship with her sister and being rejected. I hope she manages to get into hairdressing and forge a great career there.

No wonder DD1 doesn't stay and only visits once per year. Hardly a welcoming environment.

Dismissing people’s childhood trauma as ‘petty’ reflects badly on you.

I don't think @Allosie is returning.

@Coaly I agree, only, for my brothers' sake, I'd have to say in our family it was the oldest girl who got all the special treatment. The two boys were expected to be independent very young, more so even than me.

I just mean, I don't know if there is an age or sex pattern, but it's definitely not universal!

Except that DD1's actions seem to demonstrate that the OP's approach is not "sensible" nor is it working. Setting aside whatever DD1 may have said to her grandmother, DD1 doesn't stay at her parents' home, chooses to live in a different country, and rarely visits. Conversations are short and DD1 never asks for anything.

Just because she doesn't ask, doesn't mean she doesn't need anything. She may not know just what it is she needs (her mother's affection? approval? gosh, even praise?) but keeping herself away from her family suggests that she is separating from them because there's no room for her.

Physically and metaphorically, no room for her in her own family.

Yeah same. Mum has literally paid for her to come on holiday with me. And suggested I contribute - which I have done, even though I’m on a pretty average salary. If you’re groomed into a certain dynamic, it’s hard to go against it. I fully expect my sister to inherit whatever there is as well - my mum will deem her as ‘needing it more.’ I’m increasingly thinking it’s time for me to step away completely, for my own mental health.

My mum always said I was ‘independent’ compared to a younger sibling. I just felt like she abandoned me tbh. It’s not really relevant who was or is more competent.. I think it’s unfair if it’s not equal treatment. Xo

Regardless of what's gone on, etc., it sounds like your DD1 does not need or want your help, and never will, but does not want DD2 to have it.

yes, totally agree.

So your mother and your eldest daughter think you should throw your daughter out for making choices they don't like.

Tell your mother to butt out, it's her who doesn't like the choices your youngest is making but it's none of her business. how dare she get angry with you for supporting your daughter.

I really don't know what they expect. are you meant to fawn over your 1st daughter because she's (in your mothers eyes) more beautiful and intelligent and punish your younger daughter because she's not as beautiful or intelligent and has made different choices?

Tell her it's not a competition, you love them both and support them both in whichever way they need. I would be fuming at her for taking sides.

My problem is that whenever I start to thinking need distance, they rally. So I get lulled into a sense that they might be starting to think about me like they do her. Then they'll do something like reschedule a Christmas visit to DD because my sister needs them to look after her dog. I have a dog, love my dog like a family member, but would never expect anyone to reschedule their family Christmas plans to look after her for one night.

Maybe one day I'll learn.

Have you read any of OPs posts and noticed how she speaks about her daughters? It pains her to be nice about DD1.