The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

meh. my DDs (adult, both left home) have very different lives and indeed DD2 stayed living with us longer than DD1. Her choice.

We are VERY careful not to favour one over the othre, and whenever significant amounts of money flow one way, they flow the other way asap too. Neglecting a successful child because the other is a failure to launch and sucks up all your resources is shit parenting.

Firstly, she does say how old her children are. They're 23 and 25.

Secondly, it is a hard line for a parent to tread and I'm sorry to say that your mother didn't do it any better. Why are your achievements not as worthy of celebration and reward as your sisters? They're different achievements but they're both equally valid and equally worthy.

Thirdly, not a single person is saying withdraw support to DD2 to appease DD1. They're all saying to give DD1 more support and to support DD2 to become a functional, independent adult who won't fall flat on her face the second her mum isn't there to do everything for her.

Goodness me, this thread is really triggering all my "eldest daughter syndrome." From my POV (speaking as an eldest DD), I rarely asked for anything because I could see how much of my parents' resource (time etc) went into my more "needy" siblings. I think they were relieved that I was a coper and rarely asked. That doesn't mean I didn't have needs. But I learnt, from observation, that my demands would cause my mother stress and worry.

And as for "balancing out" the praise in a family. Words almost fail me

You think you're being fair. But your behaviour is no such thing. Your DD1 worked hard, she stuck to things. Talent might be natural, but actually success and achievement take much more than talent: they take persistence, stickability, courage & grit. Your DD1 appears to have demonstrated all of that; DD2 not so much.

But in order to make DD2 not feel bad, you appear to belittle and gloss over DD1's achievements. Prise from other people is nothing t te praise from your parents. And instead of praising her & appreciating her achievements, you big up her sister, who, by your own account, never stuck at much. And now she's had 2 DC she cannot afford to actually house or educate, you pay for that, too.

Do you not see the parallel here?

Your poor poor DD1. Poor lass.

I think people always have an opinion on this kind of thing- some think the person who ‘worked hard’ and became‘successful’ deserves to be rewarded for it and doesn’t deserve to get less help financially and time wise than the other, some think we’ll the other didn’t get to the heights the other did and needs that help. I think it’s very difficult for a parent not to help the person who has less more. I feel for you!

As for the divide between. Honestly it’s years and years in the making. It started as teenagers as they went to the same school originally and there was a lot of bullying towards DD2 specifically about how she looked and it was often accompanied with “you must be adopted or something as your sister is so pretty”. Obviously this fractured their relationship.

So you virtually regarded DD1's achievements as the cause of DD2's bullying? And you allowed DD2 to think that it was OK to resent her sister and see her sister as the reason she was being bullied?

Your DD1 probably feels like the scapegoat, and her definitive move from the family home is probably to get some emotional fresh air.

And you condone DD2 calling her sister a 'slut' or word like that? Of course DD2 is your favourite. You sound like you don't much like DD1.

It's never about the money. I don't need nor want my parents money. What I resent is the constant reminder that my sister requires and gets their support because, due to her own life choices, she needs more from them than I do.

I resent that whenever I try to spend time with my parents she manages to monopolise them with made up emergencies and they jump at it, despite them living 20 minutes apart and me being 4 hours away and having travelled to them so they can spend time with my child.

I resent that I work hard to provide for myself and my family and they pay for her holidays "because she doesn't have much" whereas we can go a couple of years in between holidays because we have other things to pay for.

And so many other things that make me feel less valued than my younger sister. But not that they haven't given me money.

No, they're really not. You've just picked out one area of similarity and chosen to focus on that

It is almost always the “less able” sibling who is favoured in these scenarios, because they are needier, less capable.

Your older daughter may not “need” you as much as your younger daughter does, op. But she’d have probably enjoyed you being half as time invested in her as you are in her less capable sister.

There are so many levels to this.
I think your daughter no longer having a room to return to is quite dreadful.
That you would stand over this is shocking.
Your mother isn't nice but perhaps she hopes it will be a wake up call.

Your daughters multiple pregnancies as a very young woman isn't great.
Many parents would be absolutely appalled by it, myself included.
DD2 and her choices have in affect taken over the family home.
I can well imagine DD1 being unimpressed with this and her sister's choices.
This second pregnancy is shocking, but clearly facilitated by you and your husband cushioning her from life's realities.

I suspect you will increasingly see very little of your eldest daughter due to these choices.
Neither daughter sounds very nice to be honest.

I am the eldest daughter and was the independent one.
My sister married well and young from university and never practiced.
She made having lots of children her career and my parents as her back up childcare.
I never asked them for anything ever, just continued to live my independent life.
We didn't have a vlose relationship upon their deaths.

My mother did a really excellent job.

As a result of my mother's excellent job in raising her children I am able to look at her decisions with compassion, and understand that equality and equity are not the same. She celebrated my achievements as my achievements, and my sister's as hers.

But there was literally no way to have equivalence between her children's achievements. If my sister had to wait until she got an Oxbridge degree (like me) to receive the paise she got when she enrolled on a remedial adult maths course then she would never have received any celebration, and for a struggling person who needs support that is just cruel. And as a high-achiever I wouldn't have been able to move without being praised if I were praised for the same things as my sister, which isn't a healthy environment for an adolescent. The ego that that would have resulted in!

So did she largely praise by time spent/effort? (as obviously not by results).

It doesn’t read like OP has ‘sometimes’ given more to one daughter over the other, but has consistently propped up her youngest at the expense of her eldest. It doesn’t sound like she has any intention of changing, either.

OP - Your praise of your eldest is grudging, and you sound like you are more resentful than proud of her. You didn’t, and don’t, have to cut her down in order to compensate your youngest. Or are you also compensating yourself? Because I get the impression that it isn’t only your youngest that feels envious and bitter towards her.

I didn't say that you should have been praised for only achieving the same things. I said that both you getting your educational achievements and your sister getting hers should have been rewarded the same.

14 A* GCSEs for me got a "well, you are very intelligent" and that was it. 1 D in English got a full celebration, a meal out and some gifts. We're different people but surely I deserve recognition for obtaining GCSEs in the same way as she did, regardless of the results? I did the work didn't I?

My sister getting a childcare apprenticeship (that she dropped out of for being too much work) was the biggest celebration of the century. I got a cake when I graduated university and started a work placement.

You said your sister got bought a TV to celebrate an achievement and you never saw that kind of reward. Not even for graduating Oxbridge?

Your achievements being higher academically don't mean they're less worthy of being celebrated. You both deserve recognition for things you've achieved in life.

I'm able to see that my sister has different needs to me. But I can also see that I was deserving of my parents recognition too.

Oh that sounds uncomfortable, @laserme for having to make yourself smaller so you don't upset the family "balance." I hope you start to find a way out of that, and celebrate your achievements without feeling guilty.

Do you see yourself in DD2? Not pretty or smart? Everyone is pretty much telling you youre being unfair and you keep ignoring it.
The least you could do is give DD1 the same amount of money you've spent on nursery and school.
This doenst make up for the emotional neglect and favouritism (which you ironically seem to accuse your mother of??) that the girl has had to endure.

Sure she seems fine, happy, popular and social. She'd had to cultivate that for herself so shes not left feeling empty form the lack of parental love. God, it's not her fault she was born 'pretty'. You should have taught both your daughters that their bodies are not ornaments and not coddled DD2 because she wasnt 'pretty'.

You're obviously so far in denial there is no point in this post. I assume you expected everyone to say poor DD2, even her grandmother prefers the pretty one

I would say that I was praised for the "big" moments (I got a nice present when I got 12 A stars at GCSE, and a nice email when I qualified into my profession), but not really in between. Which was fine - I didn't need it (I've seen the OP mention that her DD1 gets a lot of validation externally, and that was true for me too, constantly getting certificates and recognition at school), and she showed her support for me in other, more useful, ways, such as making sure I had access to all the textbooks I wanted. In contrast, my sister received no external validation and needed a lot of time and support to even get the basics done.

I feel a bit sad for you, reading this. You’re in denial about your mum favouring your sister over you. Not praising you for your achievements then giving your sister a TV for something relatively minor obviously did strike a chord with you. Mind you, denial can be the easier place to be. I was like you for ages - but then it dawned on me that I was being a total mug and for whatever reason, my own mother and sister don’t like me or care about me that much, while also wanting us all to present as a happy family. I don’t need to shore up a facade to please other people who don’t care about me.

I have two very different kids and it’s perfectly possible to support both equally. People who don’t just don’t want to.

Exactly this.

I completely agree with this.

Apart from anything else, I would always have a room for my child to visit. Especially given the distance. Always.

The idea that the OP is so wealthy and yet chooses not to accommodate DD1 when she visits is appalling. And now with another baby on the way, that home is going to be even more chaotic.

Why the OP is facilitating DD2 like this, I cannot fathom. But clearly DD2 won’t be going anywhere for years, and meanwhile DD1 has been pushed out her own (parental) home and therefore has no option but to be independent.

OP couldn't actually help DD2 any more than she is already doing. DD2 lives free in her parents' home, she has two other adults to help her care for her child and her parents pay for nursery and for private school. Her parents also pay for DD2 and her feckless boyfriend to go on a couple of holidays with them every year. DD2 uses all the spare rooms in the house so DD1 can't stay there if she visits. This scenario is very different from a typical teenage mum struggling on benefits with very little support. She sounds very pampered.

DD1 gets no financial help or any other kind of support. OP won't consider moving to a bigger house so that there is a bedroom available for DD1 even though she could obviously afford it.

OP clearly values DD2's achievements far more than she values the achievements of DD1. I wonder whether OP's achievements are more similar to those of DD2 (i.e. motherhood) rather than DD's outstanding academic achievements and a great career in another European country. DD1 sounds resourceful and resilient, her sister much less so.

“We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.”

The cross many eldest daughters have to bare.

I think you and I are very different people. My sibling also got a single low grade at GCSE. I was there when she opened the results envelope. My abiding memory of that is not jealousy of the support she then received, it is of the tears and absolute devastation in my sibling at her inherent inabilities, of my feeling of desperation that I couldn't share some of my own abilities with her, and of my sheer admiration of my mother that by the end of the day she was able to correct my sister's mindset so that she was able to hold her head high again.

I was so fucking lucky to be born with my mind. I can bare the cost of a degree of modesty and consideration for others.

Your mum is 100% correct. DD2 is irresponsible and you reward her for it. DD2 will never be independent because she doesn't need to be, there is no incentive.... if she wants 5 children she will have 5 children because she isn't the one providing for them. Whether she can afford to support her children doesn't enter the equation. That doesn't make her a good mum, she is lazy, irresponsible and taking advantage of the support you have given.

When DD2 became pregnant the first time, assuming that wasn't intended given the poor timing, fair enough she likely needed your support. She could have been grateful and turned things around however she hasn't done so. She doesn't support herself or her child yet she has chosen to have another child that she has no means (or intention) to support. DD2 is lazy, selfish and entitled. She is taking advantage of your good nature - I am not surprised DD1 and her don't see eye to eye.

Perhaps your mother felt that softness because she could see clearly what was going on with you.

Is your eldest the anomaly in your nuclear family? The proverbial intruder in the nest that made you feel plain? The one you couldn’t and can’t understand and relate to? The type of girl and then woman you were and are envious and resentful of, that you couldn’t and can’t be? Because while your DD2 has issues with her (and I do wonder how much you affirmed and encouraged her feelings here), I suspect there are deeper ones hidden behind those.

I also wonder if you’re happy about the second pregnancy because it will delay your DD2 moving out and keep her reliant upon you for longer. Your youngest is more family oriented - or is she more you oriented?

@Allosie with every post you sound worse and worse. Justifying your stance with no insight. Thank goodness your DD1 has her GM to act as family to her because you’ve checked out. No room at your house for her, apparently thinking it’s fine for DD2 to “slutshame” DD1 - because you CLEARLY didn’t make it clear to DD2 that’s abhorrent.

I hope in the future when you need DD1 and she’s not there, you reflect on this thread and realise why.