The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I agree.

Also a friend of mine had her DC when she was 20, unplanned. But that meant from her early 30s or so she was able to focus on her job, around the time many of her friends were having babies.

In middle age her career has excelled, whereas mine stalled with having DC and now I'm mid 40s and with age it can be harder to progress. Sometimes I feel she had it the right way round.

It is absolutely a poor decision to have a baby at 19.

It would be extremely foolish to dispute that.

I think you’re a great mother and doing well with both your girls, at the end of the day they are different with different aspirations, choices and lives and that is normal.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in supporting your daughter and helping with your grandchild. You are parenting based on both your of daughters needs and if one requires a bit of support fine.

Your other daughter sounds so clever and independent, that’s fantastic.If she needs you less support wise then that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help her sister as needed.

You should be really proud of them both, being a young mum is no easy task and training as a hairdresser too is really positive, she’ll get to where she needs to get at her own pace and your other daughter is doing amazing.

Don’t fret over what your mum or others think jusy do what you think is right.

I think your Mum is being harsh especially the looks comment. It just isn’t nice.

x

I agree with all of this. Many hairdressers are successful business owners. I also know hairdressers who earn well as 'senior stylists' in city salons.

The issue is that DD2 has been supported by her parents but is now taking advantage of that support by refusing to become independent and by making a selfish choice in becoming pregnant again.

In terms of being more resilient in the face of A.I growth, your 2nd daughter has chosen well in terms of doing hairdressing. It'll take a while for technology to catch up with that, however, I'm guessing this is not why she chose it and that it's more of a coincidence. She's probably been more slow to mature than your first daughter and her choice to now have a 2nd child shows that.

What's important is that your first daughter feels loved and supported for being who she is, otherwise, there is a danger, as you have seen, that she'll feel you're favouring her sister which has made some unwise life choices.

This is not so much about being great mother or a bad mother. Most do the best they can.

I actually think OP is failing her dd2 as well as dd1 as well as her grandchildren and it leads me to think that she is looking for her needs, wants, wishes to be fulfilled. In her case it's enmeshment with dd2 and a feeling of connecting and having this close social circle.

If OP did come back, I'd love to hear what her husband makes of this arrangement. Doesn't he also have a right to moving on after the child rearing years?

get off MN, DD2, and look for somewhere to live.😂

Ever been the child of someone who plays down everything you achieve because their other child achieves less and therefore you can't possibly be celebrated? Despite everything your siblings does being met by huge fanfare?

DD1 is very likely distant because of this, not because she's independent, intelligent and capable.

I've also watched my sister, who has been coddled her whole life, turn into an adult who can't function independently. That what will happen to DD2 if she doesn't get supported to be an independent adult.

It's a poor decision if (general) you can't take take care of them on your own. And it's definitely entitled to have another one while you're living off your parents, and they're paying for the first kid's private school.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

It's pretty easy to see who is your favourite.

Your elder DD is a very typical eldest female child. THey're the copers. Even if your DD1 needed something, I doubt she'd ask you, frankly. Have you ever offered? Sadly, the situation for young women like your DD1 is that they rarely ask, because they see all the trouble that a child like DD2 is to parents, and they don't want to put parents under pressure.

You say your DD1 is "self-sufficient" but maybe that's because you've never offered to help her, so she assumes that you don't see her having any needs. Copers are rarely valued for their coping skills: they are generally taken for granted.

And I think you give it away when you seem to endorse DD2's view of her sister as "snobby" and so on.

I feel really sorry for your DD1. She sees where the effort & love go ...

It's why I hate the parable of the Prodigal Son.

Doing a course in hairdressing is not the same as having a job in hairdressing and earning an income. Anyone can faff around on courses. DD2 was doing a course at uni but dropped out of that. Enabling someone to have the upmarket version of a life on Benefits Street is doing them no favours.

If dd2 lives in such a fancy place, I am wondering what the fancy mums at her Ds' private school make of her family situation. They usually look to associate with other high earning families and the dads tend to bond and socialise with and without families too. OP and her dc will miss out so much. She isn't single and can't go looking for a new partner who actually wants to live with her.

It seems as though Op is married to Dd2, and vice versa. They are the power partners, and everyone else pushed out

They actually male partners of Op and dd2 don't get a look in and seem irrelevant.

Dd2 probably loves all this power she wields. She clicks her fingers, and mammy comes running!

I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

I have a friend like you. 2 boys and a girl in the middle. Massively favoured her youngest boy. The oldest 2 chose to go and live with their dad. As her oldest 2 grew up, had families etc she became more and more distant from them. Only her youngest left.

You think that DD2 needs more. No. She NEEDS a bit of advice about becoming independent. She's having babies (1 counts as a mistake, it happens. 2 is deliberate) in her parents home. DD2 needs to move out and be an adult.

You need to stop favouring DD2 and spend more time / attention on DD1. AND show your appreciation at how she has done life right (not being clever, being independent, being an adult). If not, you risk losing DD1.

That's very harsh. Our stories are very similar indeed and if others can do it so can OPs daughter. There are loads of teenage mums out there who have done well for themselves. Sometimes parents have to give more support to one child than the other.

I kind of agree with this. She has the best of both worlds. A baby at 19 is hard but manageable. Bringing another one into the world while still reliant on parents is a tad foolish. Isn't it about time she stood on her own two feet and made a home with her boyfriend?

Do you support your eldest DD with the same amount of day-to-day financial support as you do with your youngest DD?

Doesn't matter if she doesn't need it - do you give it to her anyway, because that would be fair?

Never mind all the additional emotional support, parenting support, etc you give your youngest DD?

OP I think a lot of the replies that you are getting aren't appreciating the inherent difficulty in parenting two children with very different needs. My mother was in your position - I was your DD1, and my sister your DD2. I was a very academic and self-sufficient child who required vey little support. My sister required a lot of help to even achieve a fraction of what came easily to me. For example, I had surpassed my parents' ability to help with my homework by the end of primary school, but my mum had to sit for hours every evening to help my sister with her BTEC coursework.

I have never resented my parents for the imbalance in time that my sister and I required from them. You don't say how old your daughters are, but certainly by the time I was in my 20s I really understood what a hard line it was for my mum to tread, and I have nothing but admiration for her. How do you equally praise and reward your children when one gets an A for everything and one barely passes anything? When I was about 17 my mum effusively praised my sister for reaching the end of her course, and bought her a TV for her room as a present. Any one of my achievements would have blown my sister's out of the water, but I had never been praised like that (or bought a TV!). But my memory of that isn't that I was being treated unfairly, it is how that was my first realisation of how different my sister and I were, and how difficult it was for my mum to parent such different children. Sometimes a struggling child needs more and it's not fair to deny a child their needs because their sibling doesn't require the same.

Your DD1 would be utterly unreasonable to expect you to scale back the support that you have judged that your DD2 needs. If your DD1 feels that she would like a more supportive or closer relationship with you then that is a separate matter. That relationship can be built up separately, there is no need to intentionally make DD2s life harder to accommodate that.

She's not a teenage mum.

She is a 20 something who doesn't live the father of her children and who is reliant on full finical support for her parents. She choses to bring a second child into this super odd set up.

IF it was just her mum thinking this, it would be fair enough. But clearly, DD1 is distancing herself from her family too.

She's risking losing her oldest child because she massively favours the 2nd.

Your daughter doesn't visit because you don't seem to value her. And if your house is small, I imagine it's completely dominated by DD2 and her DC.

As for why DD2 is still at home, her boyfriend lives 2 hours away, he works and lives with his parents. They are saving to buy a home. He provides for our grandson but we are making up gaps, initially in nursery fees, now in school fees and extra curricular activities. We take them on holiday twice a year but DD1 is always invited she just never wants to join.

Good lord! Your DD2 is completely spoilt. Why are you subsidising her lifestyle like this? She can't afford one DC, let alone 2, and private school fees????

Are you going to give equal cash to DD1 ? Poor girl.

Maybe op doesn't care too much about dd1 distancing herself as, seemingly, all of OP's emotional needs are meet by controlling and mollycoddling dd2.

Why would dd1 want to join a holiday you've organised with dd2 and kids ...?

You really don't seem to know your dd1 ... Have you suggested doing holidays or trips just with her ... How often are you going to her area if she's miles away..
Have you moved? Just wondering why your house is no longer big enough..

Her natural skills/abilities do not mean she needs less love and concern....

Why you paying school fees wouldn't it make more sense for dd2 to have income support towards her own accommodation..

You seem to treat dd2 like a child and expect dd1 to have no support....
So based on what's posted her think your mum has a point

At various times yes that is true but usually it is very time limited. The OP helped DD1 for a short time when she was grieving. the extra support for DD2 should have been limited to about a year. When her daughter fell pregnant she should have said if you keep it I want a plan of when you plan to move out and in with your boyfriend and hwe you plan to support yourself. What she has done has effectively given open ended and very lucrative support to DD2, so much do DD2 has felt comfortable enough to get pregnant a second time. That is isn’t support, that is enabling her daughter to be reliant on her. That is a big difference

How does this pan out longer term? Since you’ve been in your house 30 years and have grown up DDs I’m going to assume you are at least 50. Your oldest grandson has 14 years of school ahead of him, for the new baby you’ll be nearly 70 by the time it finishes education - maybe older if you fund university. Your older DD could easily have a child in another 10-15 years if she waits until her 30s and that child might still be in education when you are 80. Do you have the sort of money that you can fund multiple sets of private school fees well into retirement? Or is this actually an empty promise and you won’t be able to do the same for any future children of DD1?