The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I haven't read the whole thread sorry. I was/am in the same position as dd1 and I accepted this a child but actually I haven't been treated right by my mother. Just appearing more capable and academically inclined doesn't mean you shouldn't be supported. I'm with @Fakewelsh here. But also, when my eldest dd was little I made the same mistake. She was seen as perfect - very academic, advanced, self-sufficient. She was articulate enough to tell me how she felt though when she was around 9 or 10. And I stopped thinking that she needed less of support than the others.

I know that my children feel that they should all be treated equally regardless of their own situations.

I also think having a 3 bedroom house and not a room for your dd is one easy way of making her feel really shut out. Visiting her 3 times a year when she lives in Paris? I force myself on my eldest dd - even if I just get a lunch with her (she lives further away from me than Paris, although still in this country!). It's really important I think to be there for all of your children equally and not be fooled by by apparent self-sufficiency.

It's the fact she's decided DD1 doesn't need her because she won the gene lottery that is the exact problem though. She's made that decision already, and that DD2 will be staying at home with her children receiving support forever because "she needs it more".

The damage is done. Buying a nice gift now will be sticking plasters over massive breaks.

I think the telling thing for me is that when challenged by your mother, instead of having a conversation about DD1, you leapt straight to defending your behaviour towards DD2. Your mother can’t even have a conversation with you about DD1’s needs without you inserting DD2.

So whether you want to kid yourself that there is no favouritism towards DD2, you’ve betrayed it straight off in your original post, and the rest of your posts are just so much post-rationalisation and defences of the fact that you’ve allowed DD2 to make the family home inhospitable to her older sister, and in doing so apparently taken her side in the argument the sisters had, where DD2 was far more at fault.

I am quite sure DD1 isn’t perfect, but you need to be able to treat her as an individual and talk to her about her needs and her feelings without always bringing it back to a defence of DD2. It will be uncomfortable. You will be confronted with the fact that you got it wrong with DD1, even as you thought you were just trying to do right by DD2 who wasn’t as genetically blessed. But this has to be a conversation with DD1 about her and what you can do to repair the relationship.

Full disclosure: I’ve been DD1 and it didn’t help me to constantly hear “oh but you’ve always been so talented and independent, and your siblings blah blah blah”. I was independent because it was made abundantly clear that I couldn’t possibly need help because effort and resources were being channeled elsewhere and there was nothing left over for me: not even my bedroom if they asked me to visit.

You have a chance to make things right. Don’t fuck it up the way my father did.

I hope if DD1 has children you also going to pay nursery and school fees for them and take them on holiday. If not, then yes this really wrong.

its nice you support dd2 but having a second child while living with you is taking advantage.

YABU

You've been enabling your younger daughter to become dependent upon you. And seem happy woth this.

Your older one wasn't given much encouragement at home during her younger years( as younger one needed it more) and so has had tp become independent.

She isn't naturally independent she's had to grow up earlier and has been forced to become independent.

Even now you've got plenty of excuses why you're spending more on your younger DD- her children.

Unless you face up to your own behaviour you aren't gonna fix your relationship with your older daughter.

And with regards to your younger daughter dependence upon you- you seem happy about it- so no point in giving any advice about how to help her.

And you need to find a way for DD1 and her partner to be able to stay at yours. You say it’s south italy versus Brighton but she doesn’t have a place to stay at yours anyway - are you sure that’s not more to do with it.

Has DD1 ever asked for any help, or for you to behave differently towards her? Have you discussed things with DD1?

This is significant I think. It implies that DD1 is unhappy with the situation, and has talked to her DGM about it because she feels she can't raise it with her own parents.

Forget DD2 for the time being (although frankly she sounds like an ongoing train wreck) I do think OP needs to take these comments seriously and do some repair work on her relationship with DD1.

I think you need to give both daughters whatever money you have saved for them toward a deposit and encourage DD2 to have moved out and set up a family unit with her boyfriend well before the second baby arrives. She needs to start adulting and taking responsibility for her own children. Dial back the help to an involved grandparent level but stop doing the parenting and taking all the responsibility. DD1 can invest her share until she is ready to settle somewhere.
My DH comes from a similar dynamic where he is the independent eldest and a sibling has always had much more support, though actually nowhere near as extreme a disparity as your situation. It still affects family relationships between siblings now in their 40s.

I feel desperately sorry for the children (the 4yo and baby when it comes). I work at a private school and my dd goes to one... those kids will work out very quickly that children who go to those schools typically do not have underclass parents, who don't have a proper income between them and have a weird weekly-marital-visit relationship.

They will grow up feeling ashamed of their waster parents. It's an awful way to live.

Edit - obviously not normal parenting for any sort of school. But private school kids and parents can be judgier than your average... and this is all pretty judge-worthy

That went through my mind.

Someone I know agreed that their child's family could move in with them. It was agreed beforehand that the child's family would only have two children.

Things were fine. Two children were born. Then there was an 'accidental' third pregnancy, resulting in a miscarriage. This was swiftly followed by a fourth pregnancy.

My friends finished up paying for an extension to make enough room for them all in the house.

The current financial inequality is also much bigger than the OP has possibly thought about.

She has mentioned paying for nursery and school (also, who bought the pram and kitted out the nursery?) but that this will also be available to DD1 in the future if she has children.

But for the last five years DD1 has been paying for all her own rent, food and bills as an adult and DD2 has presumably had these free or been heavily subsidised. That sunk cost alone - ignoring all the free labour of childcare and the specifically child-related costs - probably adds up to a decent house deposit given to DD2 and not to DD1 already. There might be some imbalance the other way that softens it a little if DD1 had funded university and DD2 didn't, but rent swiftly adds up and happens every month...

I feel sorry for the GC. By installing him in a private school that you pay for, you’ve cemented dependency and also tied them to living with or near you. How’s that going to work if the dad works 2 hours away? When does GC get to live with his dad?

It's not going to serve you well with another baby on the way, unfortunately.

After reading those comments about how fast dd2 was pregnant when dd1 really needed support due to her partners death I Wonder what dd2 will do when dd1 announces an engagement / pregnancy. 🫣.

Announce another funded pregnancy at her sister’s wedding or her engagement at the sister’s baby shower. I’m taking bets 🍿

If it were me, I would suggest/insist that when DD1 wants to come and visit, to prevent the inevitable bickering, DD2 and her child should go and stay with her BF and his parents for a few days. That way, DD1 gets to spend quality time with you in the family home and the BF’s family get to spend quality time with their grandson.

being brutally honest, you OP have been one of the main reasons this awful divide has happened.
this has been building and worsening for over a decade.
you need to take some responsibility.
you have absolutely molly-coddled DD2 - so much so that she’s thinks it’s appropriate to have a 2nd child whilst still not able to support her 1st child independently (as mum will look after her and cover all costs!).

A huge amount of damage has been done. I have been in the same position as DD1 (from an independence, intelligence, job PoV) and had a jealous sibling that was rude and name calling. I also tried to just ignore/block them out, as guess what? My parents (mostly mum) witnessed it all and did nothing - or even defended my sibling.
I didn’t talk to my sibling for >10 years. I avoided them too where possible. It damaged my relationship with my parents greatly. That’s improved in recent years, but sadly I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust them completely.
i had other family members (like your mum OP) who tried to step in and reason with my parents and sadly they were ignored.
my sibling had extra money for private school because they needed it apparently, a flat was bought to house them after uni (at a much reduced rent cost) whereas I sorted myself out, they had a big contribution to house deposit (to buy a house they wanted, but couldn’t afford) and I saved and bought my house independently.

i can tell you from experience, DD1 is independent because she has to be! She knows she’s 2nd string to DD2. She knows you’ll always look out for DD2 before her and I’m sure it hurts her immensely.

you’ve had numerous comments telling you, you’re favouring DD2 (and have for a long time) but you’re choosing to ignore them, because it doesn’t fit with your narrative.
why bother posting on mumsnet, if you won’t listen to the replies??

the only way to even attempt to fix this mess is through actions and words. Money is of no help to you now.
you need to get DD2 to be independent - she’s old enough to know and be doing better. She needs to live in her own place and ideally with her boyfriend. You can still help out with care for DGS +- nursery/school fees etc. but DD2 needs to be an adult now and not a child - she has her own child fgs!
then you need to have a deeply honest heart to heart with DD1 and lay it all out. Say you’re heart broken at the family rift and GENUINELY want to help heal it and ask her what she thinks has been the problems (and LISTEN to her) and try to come up with solutions. Some people need family therapy (I’d highly recommend this in your case, it can be done on zoom also).

with the greatest of respect, it is not DD1s fault that she is intelligent, attractive etc. some of that is luck, but a good chunk will still be down to hard work and effort.
the world is not fair and DD2 needs to accept this. She needs to stop focusing on DD1 and start focusing on her own life.
You need to stop overcompensating constantly so DD2 doesn’t get upset or isn’t happy about something. Life is not perfect, and by the sounds of it - DD2 has a much better life than most people in this world!

I can fully understand you wanting to help and support dc2 initially but you must see 4 yrs later it’s gone way beyond this. I can’t understand logic of enrolling dgs in private school near you, if you have that kind of money surely better to give or loan it to dc2 to move in with boyfriend.

What doesn’t DD2 go and move in with her boyfriend and his parents

I'm not convinced by this thread.

OP is paying private school fees for her grandchild, and presumably will be paying them for the 2nd grandchild. That's going to be closing in on a million pounds. OP also has enought for both daughters to have a deposit for a house. Even in London there are loads of properties in nice areas for £1M, with access to good state schools- just give it to younger daughter and have done.

OP lives in a 3 bed place which has "served their needs" - what if 2nd daughter has a child of a different sex? They will need a 4th bedroom.

The other thing that is really interesting is that there is practically zero mention about the children's father - he lives 2 hours away, but can only visit 1 night per week. Why can't he be with his child every weekend, or even if he doesn't have 2 consecutive days it would be completely possible for him to finish work, travel down, stay overnight and head back late in the evening of his non-working day. What does the father do? How hard has he actually looked to find an equivalent job in OP's location so that they could move in together? How much have they actually saved (given that their child at at least one of them is being completely financially supported by grandparents)?

There is no mention of OP's husband/partner/father of her 2 daughters. Is he no longer on the scene? Is he the provider of all this money? I wonder if the comments from OP about being "family oriented" are because someone else's money allowed them to be, so they value that.

The OP's first daughter likes holidays like ski-ing and high end holidays, the fact that she doesn't come on the other holidays (which as others have said are likely to be family friendly/child led) may simply mean that they are not to her taste - there is nothing wrong with either.

The OP's first daughter may not be very interested in children, even may not want any of her own. I have 2 grown up kids, I'm not terribly interested in other people's children: it's fine for short periods of time, but days on end would not be how I would want to spend my time, nor would I want to spend hours with work colleagues or family where the conversation revolved around their children only.

OP's 2nd daughter has clearly been infantalised, and has never truly had to face the consequences of her choices. There is a huge middle ground between what OP is doing, and turfing them out on the street. The issue is not about the first baby at 19 (I had my first child at 19), but the choices after that, not moving to be with the father of her children, it wouldn't be surprising if when they did move in together they split up as they have a 4 year old and neither of them seem to be demonstrating an ability to parent - by which I don't mean playing the games with them, but actually dealing with the graft of parenting. There isn't a safety net, as that implies some distance, the safety net is already wound tightly around them.

I would agree with others that assuming what is described is accurate, that there is a big gulf between the OP and her eldest daughter, and unless something (i.e. OP) changes, that will only get bigger.

Based on my sister, every time I had anything exciting happen, there's be an emergency or she'd "force" similar to happen to her, or there's be some kind of crisis she was going through. Some of the things over the years she's come out with have been incredible.

When did you last do something really lovely for DD1? When did you make her feel cherished and special and spoiled? Take her on a weekend away or do something with her you know she loves? I suspect this isn't really about what you do for DD2, it's about what you don't do for DD1. People who feel loved and cared for are much less likely to feel jealous when other people are also loved and cared for.

Yes that’s a good suggestion. I bet every time dd1 has come home the whole house has revolved around dgs. Dd1 can’t even see her parents on their own or her mum 1-1.
Do you ever do things just you and dd1 or would say the 3 of you go for dinner (mum, dad, dd1) I suspect it’s been oh we can’t go for afternoon tea to posh hotel dd2 can’t bring dgs or 8pm dinner is too late for dgs. You need to think how things would look if dc2 was living with her bf.

OP, what are the plans for your 2nd daughter to live independently with the father of her children (even forgetting the money, assuming that you will still pay private school)? What time frame is proposed? It seems that after 4 years, they are no closer to this goal.

Supporting your child means helping them to spread their wings and be independent.

Personally I'd be looking at what you don't do equally. Particularly if there's money involved it's going to cause problems down the line. I am like your dd2, though without being a teen. I was divorced and living with my parents by the time ds was 2 due to domestic violence. I'm the youngest of 6. My dad died at the end of September and because my sister is the deputy on my mum's banking, it suddenly became apparent that my dad had been gifting ds a small amount of pocket money for the last 20 years. The other grandchildren didn't get this as my dad considered that they had 2 parents and a nice life etc. It caused an almighty blow up. Really, if you're assisting your dd2 financially then you should at least be putting something near equivalent away for dd1 (without using the excuse that she doesn't 'need' it as a reason not to do it. Try and see it from DD1 perspective, DD2 gets all the 'visible' support, money, time etc and DD1 gets nothing.

Everyone needs love and care - no human is truly independent even if some are struggling less obviously than others. For all you know your DD1 might have all kinds of struggles in her life.