The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I mean, I'd be the cheeriest CBeebies-est personality all day long if I didn't have to worry about work or bills or school fees and had babysitting on tap everyday.

Wouldn't we just!

Interesting as well that your mum grasped what reads like a rare opportunity to see you on your own. Do you usually visit with DD2 or only when DD1 is there?

The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

I think you need to change the thread title OP to:

The family divide seems to be growing now I've declared a favourite seems much more accurate to me...

How has she taken responsibility? She doesn't have a job, is having a second baby before finishing her training and lives with her parents, who are also funding her future house deposit and her child's school fees.

It absolutely is a poor decision to have a child (and even if I let the first child go, then a SECOND child) when you have absolutely no ability to provide for them and knowing their father will only see them once a week.

And what if DD1 decides she was wrong, that a career isn't all it's cracked up to be and instead she'd like to be a stay at home mum with two children. Unlucky for her, she can't do that because DD2 got there first and used up all of the support available to both DD1 and DD2.

OP isn't supporting her daughter who mistakenly fell pregnant at 19 to get on her feet and build an independent life for her and her children. She's enabling her to freeload and continue popping out children in less than ideal circumstances at the expense of DD1.

All through this, people are assuming that the DD1 is a career woman with no interest in having children of her own. Does the OP actually know this for certain?

I could easily see a situation where DD1 is actually hoping to have her own family in her late 20s or early 30s but would only feel comfortable doing so with a stable relationship, secure home and decent savings behind her - both from being sensible herself, seeing her sister's example and also feeling that she couldn't rely on her parents for support.
She might therefore be silently incredibly resentful that the OP is actually paying the sister to have babies whilst she has to save up entirely by herself and thus potentially delay her own motherhood. (She'd also be hard-pressed to fawn over the nephew and new pregnancy announcement in this situation).

If the OP pays for a flat deposit for DD2 (+ partner and children) right now and gives the same to DD1 to invest for a few years before settling down she might find she ends up with grandchildren from both daughters in the medium term rather than just one.

This is so spot on OP. Its really sad those kids will hardly ever see their Dad

I am DD1 in my family, and it hurt.

It's easy to rationalize that DD1 doesn't need you like DD2, but beware how that feels to DD1. Your favouritism drips from every sentence, however much you tell yourself that you're just responding to DD2's needs. That your Mum has felt the need to comment, only emphasises this. Your DD1 won't have needed to tell her, so PLEASE don't assume that she has. In my case, it was my brother who told my DM.

If you're hurting, as your DD1 probably is, you deal with this by creating distance, as I did. Visiting you, especially as DD2 is always there, will be painful for her. Seeing you pandering (as she will see it) to DD2 would be a constant reminder that you 'care' more for DD2 than her. There will also be no 'you and her' time while DD2 is living with you, no 121 bonding, so why would she bother?

For me, it turned around when my DM and I started to go on trips together. Just the 2 of us. It was her initiative. I would suggest something similar, and it will need to be your initiative too.

Good luck.

Make a bigger effort with DD1. If she calls for a chat try not to focus on DD2 or the DGC. Give her your undivided attention and remind her that you are extremely proud of her.

I think I can speak from a prospective close to dd1.

I'm one of three.
sis was #1
I was #2, almost exactly in the middle age wise
Bro was #3.

#1 and #3 clearly have ASD but it wasn't diagnosed in those days. They both would be regarded as high functioning - they got through school, got good qualifications and are working. They're both married with a family.
#3 nowadays would be diagnosed probably at about 3yo.
Not sure if #1 would have been.

#1 was socially awkward. If she had a friend, it tended to be the "other girl who also didn't have a friend". She didn't understand mixing, and tbh put no effort into it either.
#3 was not interested in other people. Wouldn't even say "hello" (and I'm talking even in teens) if someone said that to him. Referred to in family as incredibly clever - genius level at times. Couldn't cope with not getting own way a lot of time and had meltdowns until quite old.

And I was in the middle. I don't think I have ASD, although I have some traits. I don't find making friends easy, but I will go out of my way to try. I was regarded as less academic than either (a bit in the "poor little Cara, she tries hard but she won't do as well, never mind" sort of way), but lucky/fortunate/able to get on in life.

How did it effect me?

1. I felt the oddment in the family. Really the disappointment because I wasn't as "clever" as the others. That I'd let them down and was "different".
2. I didn't try at school because it was easier not to try and feel that if I'd tried then maybe I might have done nearly as well so maybe I wasn't that much worse
3. I was expected to give way because they were "having a difficult time". I turned round one time and said that I'd been doing that for 10 years, maybe it was time to say "they are difficult".
4. If I achieved anything it was played down because #3 couldn't cope with it I remember a conversation (taken place in front of all three of us dc) where I'd mentioned a hobby I did, and the adult commented on it. Dm's reply was along the lines of "yes Cara's been doing it for years. #3 started a couple of years after her and really their technique is amazing; teacher is so pleased with them". You wouldn't take from that I was regarded as having a talent for this hobby and #3 really struggled. I gave it up. #3 continued until they left home and hadn't achieved anything near what I had done by the time I stopped aged 12. She explained afterwards that she really felt #3 needed their confidence building up in it...
5. I was often moved up groups to be with #1 so she had a friend, or she was moved down to be with me, and I was expected to look after her. Meant I struggled to make friends in those times because who wants to be friends with the girl 3 years younger or who has her bossy older sister who wants to be in charge with her.
6. Things like I was expected to do chores the same as #1 (#3 was far too young ten years after I'd been doing them) but when it came to bedtimes my bedtime was same as #3 ("because #1 needs to feel they're older) and stayed that was until I left home.

I am the one who lives further away (by a factor of about 6) although that is dh's work; it wasn't a conscious decision to live further.

I am still regarded as "lucky" in the family. I'll say something like "I saw this offer in the paper, and went for it and I got this for half price" and they'll say "oh you really shouldn't trust those sort of things... but it's so unfair, you are always so lucky..."

I lack confidence and find it difficult to admit to dm that things are difficult. She has no idea for example that I was bullied so badly at work I was suicidal. Because I know if I'd tried to talk about it, I'd have been told how much harder it is for the other two... and I should have empathy for them.

I love my parents. I believe they did the best they could. However they did take the easy way out by always getting me to back down.
I remember one time when I tried holding my ground. I'd been asked what I wanted to do and told it was my choice, and I'd said I'd like to go in the afternoon etc.
Ten minutes later dm appeared. "Hurry up, we're going now." Because #3 had wanted to go in the afternoon. I got upset and said that she'd said it was my choice... She was far more bothered that #3 might hear me and be upset that I'd been told that it was my choice than the fact that yet again, I was being told to back down.
I always felt second best, and my choices weren't important. I also felt that the effort I put in to doing things was never recognised - it was always regarded as "just being lucky".
I was an adult before I realised that qualifications wise I had as good or better GCSEs/A-levels and degree. That's never been acknowledged - but I was expected to say how brilliant the others were when they achieved them; mine were always a quick "well done" and glossed over; theirs were celebrated.

That sort of thing effects you.

I think you've had a lot of suggestions about changing things. But you need first to acknowledge that maybe you haven't always made life easy for her. That she has her own challenges, not just "lucky" and that she's worked hard and deserves what she has. And give her your time and attention without saying "your sister" or "you should feel this..." because at the moment she sees no point in trying to get your attention because you'll always bring it back to dd2.

God, parenting is so hard.

how about choosing to have a second child when you still can't support yourself or your children?

You repeat over and over all the attributes DD1 has like they're amazing blessings when actually they can be a curse. It can't have been easy for her feeling that comparison. The pressure when you're intelligent to achieve is something else and can destroy your self esteem as you're constantly trying to live up to ideals and expectations. Her ex boyfriend committing suicide is truly horrific and you've said it so casually is beggars belief. You are doing nothing to repair this fracture and dont seem to want to.

How soon after the suicide did DD2 fall pregnant? It was quite soon, wasn’t it?

Indeed. They are 2 years apart, DD1 was 20 when boyfriend died and DD2 accidentally had a baby when she was 19.
DD2 really couldn't handle not being the centre of attention for one minute..

I must say I agree with your Mum to an extent. Your youngest daughter is pregnant again and doesnt even live with her partner but at home with you. You are facilitating her to be irresponsible and selfish.

As someone totally on outside your posts do strongly come across as favouring DD2. I think for your mum to have spoken in this way will have taken a lot of thought. I would agree that dd2 is taking advantage having another baby living at home. Once is a mistake, twice is deliberate. She isn’t a fantastic mum if she can’t financially support and care for her children without relying on you.
Personally I’d reflect hard on things.
I’d want a concrete timeline for dd2 moving out. Then you can step back into a grandparent role not the current blurred semi parenting your grandchild role.
I think it’s quite telling there’s no room for dd1 to visit, presumably grandson in her room. That must be hurtful she can’t even visit.
I’d look to visit dd1 and go away just with her. If you are thinking oh we can’t what about grandson or trying to shoe horn her in around dd2 that shows extent you priorities are dc2. Just book to go in a few weeks - dc2 is an adult and will need to juggle college and school runs or perhaps weekend only dad will need to do a bit.

So they don’t want to move in together because they can’t afford the expensive area- tough!

That's squarely on the shoulders of the waster Dad.

I've blamed op for a few things on this thread but that's one thing we can blame the bloke for. My goodness, what a loser of a man

Surely this is a conversation with DD1 to ask what she wants from you? Does she want more 1-1 time or money or whatever? Whatever she asks for just ensure your deliver on.

It's nonsense because if they really wanted to be a family, they absolutely could be. And having more children is hardly helping

Technically DD2 did pick him twice so she's not entirely without blame here.

I feel so sorry for DD1.

I no longer feel sorry for DD1, I think she’s got the right idea. She’s out of this situation, she’s independent, educated, employed, has extended family as emotional support and it sounds like she has made her own support network with friends and boyfriend.

I'm not so sure, no amount support from extended family, boyfriends jobs etc can make up for what you really want which is your parents love and support, I was the same as DD1, I had a fabulous job, loads of friends boyfriends etc, but that deep longing never really goes away, even now in my late 40s and both parents dead It still wrangles...

Your mum sounds correct.

She won’t take any feedback on board because she doesn’t actually care about salvaging her relationship with DD1, in reality. It’s fine if it’s distant as this is what she, the mother, has created. It frees her up focus all her time and resources on DD2 and GC. The thread was never about trying to fix things with DD1 - she just wanted validation that she isn’t a poor parent who plays favourites, as her own mother suggested. She must be disappointed that the replies are all about her daughter and not her.

Your mum should not rant to you about DD1 being prettier and smarter. It’s not nice comparing siblings like this, especially on inherited traits which are given to them based on pure chance.

You are a good mother because you are not doing the same. You support the child who is not as resourceful and didn’t win the gene lottery. There is nothing wrong with this. You just need to make sure that you also support your other daughter. Even if someone seems like they have their life together, they might suffer and be anxious, just not show it. Call her to ask how she’s coping with work and life. Show genuine interest and support. Give some attention also to her. Buy her a nice gift to compensate all the extra money your younger is getting. Make sure your will is fair and it divides your money equally (I’ve heard stories where the least successful sibling got everything and the successful one got nothing, this is extremely unfair). Your older daughter needs you too, even if she’s coming across as strong and independent