The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Yes exactly, because DD2 should be in her own home paying for HER children, you know like normal parents do? To redress the balance every penny that gets spent on DD2 and her kids the same amount of money should be going in a separate bank account for DD1 to have in the future, then I would make arrangements to make regular visits to see DD1 on her own without DD2 in tow...

I agree that this relationship is likely doomed to fail, but the DD won’t be able to accept that without giving it a try first. If the house is bought purely in the DD’s name and she remains unmarried, the boyfriend will have no claim on it in the event of a split. If OP is really concerned about this I suppose she could buy a house herself for the couple to live in. Certainly DD2 will remain dependant on the OP for school fees but that doesn’t mean she has to keep living with them. Lots of wealthy grandparents help their children out with school fees and house deposits, they can still live otherwise independent lives.

Well I’m sorry that’s happened to you and as I said previously I’ve experienced the same so I get it, But I don’t think your situation is equivalent. The OP has said they have supported DD1, they do go and see her a couple of times a year. They do ask DD1 to give up her bedroom when she comes over etc. But I have also been the daughter who had the perfect, attractive sister so also understand that they want to support DD2 during this transition period in her life.

But I also said they should check it out with DD1 and give her a chance to put her side of the story and say how she feels. At the moment we only have the opinion of the GM who seems to favour the attractive, intellectual DD with the shiny life,

What happens if DD1 decides not to have DC? Does she just lose out on the thousands you're spending on your GC now? Most people if they have money to leave divide it equally between DC regardless of how many GC they have. And is it really the best thing to do with DGC's share of their inheritance to waste spend it on private primary education? Wouldn't it be better off being invested for their futures?

because she has made poor decisions and you have enabled this along the way.

It's not a poor decision to have a child young! She may not have planned to become pregnant, but she sounds like she's taken responsibility and is a good mum! 19 may be young, but she's not a child!

I wouldn't call a mum helping her daughter navigate her pregnancy and providing childcare and financial help "enabling her"! I'd call it good, supportive parenting!

Can you point out how either the DD or her partner have taken responsibility?

Having a second baby while you still live with your parents and have not finished getting a qualification or establishing a career, whilst financially dependent on your parents and don't live with your partner yet in your 20s is very poor decision making.

You over compensating DD2 for your daughter doing well and being praised is what started this situation.
You are now pandering to DD2 making poor choices, and see no issue with her compounding that with another child.
From your postS it’s clear that you do favour one over the other and this is likely to continue. When it comes to wills I could quite easily see you leaving more to DD2/grandchildren and justifying it by saying the ‘need’ it more. Total nonsense if your DD2 and her partner made sensible choices instead of relying on the bank of mum and dad. You’re not helping them long term.
I say that as a child of someone whose mum had one child at 17 and one at 18, but married my dad as soon as pregnant and moved into their own flat and both got jobs and took responsibility for themselves and us.

FFS can you really not see it? Sure, your DD1 had a lot of external validation and your DD2 didn't but that doesn't mean you make up for it by praising only your DD2 at home! You have been showing your DD1 for a very long time that her achievements mean little to you, and now she is acting accordingly. You praised your DD2 extra, you like your house and don't want there to be room for your DD1...small wonder she doesn't really have a relationship with you or plan for you.

DD2s stuff would have been bagged before she even finished the 2nd pregnancy announcement. 2nd child with a bum who only visits once a week (probably for a shag)?
She can explain she wants to be the next Michelle Duggar to the council I’m afraid

Isn't she training to be a hairdresser? Or is she just sitting on her arse bumming off her parents and claiming benefits?

Do you know how much it costs to rent these days? They'd need at least a 2 bedroom house or flat! All I can see is OP providing a good stable home life for both her dd and grandchild.

Surely the dd training in a profession and being able to get a good job and move out when her child is older, is better than forcing her into some crappy bedsit in a shite area where they wouldn't be able to afford to feed themselves?

We take them on holiday twice a year but DD1 is always invited

It's funny you don't even notice how you show your plain in your face favouritism. You take DD2 on holiday and DD1 is invited to join you, DD and her family. You're not taking DD1 on holiday and inviting DD2 to tag along. (also is DD1 expected to pay for herself while you cover all DD2's and family expenses?)

The grandparents are paying private school fees for a 4 year old
They can pay the girl's rent if they want to keep enabling her. There is no shortage of money in this family. There is no need for them to be still living with mummy, 2 children in.

Hmmm. Her mum is saying she has an ‘attractive shiny’ life but she’s probably seeing what she wants to see, which means she can justify giving all her time and attention to her younger daughter. My mum would no doubt say the same about me - the more attractive, intelligent sibling who’s fiercely independent while my sister has always needed more support - but in fact my mum actually created that situation by kicking me out of home at 18 while endlessly financially supporting my sister in her various doomed ventures. Doomed because she’s massively entitled and doesn’t see why she needs to work to make a living. And she doesn’t have to because my mum funds her. She’d never do the same for me because I’m so ‘independent.’ In reality I’ve had lifelong struggles with my mental health, am medicated up the eyeballs, but my mum knows nothing about that because she’s not interested. She only wants to know the good stuff about my life so it props up her narrative of me being the successful one, allowing her to focus on my sister. It’s incredibly painful tbh. I’m thinking of (finally) going NC. I largely haven’t because I can’t be bothered with the drama. I’m low communication anyway. And I’d stake my house on this also being the reason the older DD1 almost never sees her parents.

Even the really posh people I work with do 'state til 8'. I'm sure the fees would cover a small 2 bed flat. But they don't want that.

The first baby wasn't (necessarily) a bad decision.

The dd2's bad decisions were:
Not being financially self sufficient by 23. 23!!
Not living as a family unit with the father of her kids, but still seeing him for netflix and chill
Getting pregnant a second time
(Less important but still a bad decision) being childishly mean to her sister.

Exactly. I have no idea why posters are talking about the cost of renting and not being able to feed themselves. The OP is loaded. This is a choice.

She has made poor choices. Because she’s chosen to have a second baby while not fully supporting her first. Living off mummy and daddy.

If she had made good choices she would have waiting to have her home even a rental before baby two.

But it’s fine mummy will pay for and watch the little ones while the actual father visits once a week.

How do you define "good mum"?

I don't think that choosing to have a baby at 19 is the worst thing in the world however if you do so I think you have to accept that unless one of you is a self made millionaire at this age private school is unrealistic.

Many people who become mums young can rise to the challenge of parenthood as well as older people but they won't have any incentive to do so if the parents keep funding a lavish lifestyle.

I don't think you are unreasonable to think your mum is being harsh, but I do see where she is coming from given your updates about her partner and the fact she is pregnant again. Lets be honest you are happy with the situation but its not something anyone would usually wish upon their child.

I'm the DD1 in our family dynamic, although my sister is not a good mum and much more dependent than you DD2. There is merit in your set up in the sense that your DD2 should be there for you in old age, the way you have been there for her during these years. Hopefully she appreciates what you have done for her and will reciprocate in time.

What's the betting @Allosie doesn't come back

Yeah this kind of thing annoys me - she's probably a "fantastic mum" in that she takes her kid to activities and is always good tempered and sings nursery rhymes and does home cooked meals etc.

But the stuff that actually matters like providing them with a home and good role modelling, zero.

I mean, I'd be the cheeriest CBeebies-est personality all day long if I didn't have to worry about work or bills or school fees and had babysitting on tap everyday.

As it is, I'm overworked, underslept and permanently cranky. But I consider myself a better mum than op's dd2 (it's a low bar)

I’m probably nearer to your mother’s age and I think she approached this badly but, nevertheless, she has given you a heads up. It sounds like you are overcompensating to DD2 because you feel that her sister has natural advantages. I don’t like the posts suggesting that one daughter is superior to the other, they are different, but you do need to stand back and evaluate whether you are treating them fairly. In your shoes I would subtly change things. I would arrange to see DD1 on her own more often and arrange a weekend away from time to time and listen to her. Take an interest and don’t mention her sister much. I wouldn’t stop helping DD2 and I wouldn’t push her into dependence on a relationship that doesn’t look ideal but I would reevaluate where you are helping and where you’re enabling irresponsible behaviour. Do you not think that paying for private education for your grandchildren is using money that you could put aside to help your daughter towards more independence. There’s probably a very good state primary school in your area. Don’t force your daughters together but be scrupulously fair. You don’t owe your Mum any explanation, she may be overly judgmental of DD2’s lifestyle but I would think about what she said even though clumsily expressed. Don’t get over enmeshed with DD2 and her children. Think where you would like her to be in five years time. Be careful about what holes you dig her out of and when it’s better to allow consequences to kick in. I can see you do love both daughters but a slight note of favouring the youngest is creeping into your posts. Accomplished as your older daughter is she still has emotions and needs you. Do not ever criticise one daughter to the other.

The more I think about it, the more I suspect what's going on is that the OP is similar to her DD2 - "family orientated", little to no career, focussed on her children, nothing wrong with that if it works for you

But I suspect she and DD2 share jealousy and envy of DD1 for being a highly intelligent high achiever with a "bigger world" and "shinier life" and that's the bit that's not ok.

You should value your children equally even if they make different choices to you.

And it's kind of insane to me that the OP has no issues at all with the fact that her DD2 is so dependent on her and has no interest at all in changing that.

The situation where the DD isn't even working, just scrounging off her parents having her BF over occasionally to knock her up again is just.. wow. There's being supportive and there's enabling very poor choices and long term dependency