The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I made a mistake opening and commenting on this thread TBH. I'm usually able to put it to the back of my mind and crack on, but getting invested in this thread has made me angry about it.

And unfortunately a deposit is no use unless one's income is enough for a mortgage. Op doesn't say what dd2's boyfriend does (or I missed it) but it doesn't sound like he earns enough to support his growing brood.

I'd be so deeply crushingly disappointed if either of my children turned out to be hapless wasters. I'd be equally proud of dd1 working for the British embassy in Paris, as dd2 setting up as an assistant hairdresser in Dagenham, as long as they were both self-sufficient and living within their means.

I just couldn't bear to think of a 23yo dd2 having her waster boyfriend round to stay in her childhood bedroom each week for netflix and chill, as if they're carefree sixth formers, not parents of two kids.

For me, it's the very definition of failing to launch.

I can understand. Horrible, toxic behaviour like this is so damaging. It must be even more upsetting because the OP has started this thread and is then failing to take on board any feedback.

And this is the worry.
These ( kids) need their dad.
You remind me of my sister - who would gladly have her 3 grandchildren live with her - where I see the importance of the ‘traditional’ family unit.

I also think the post title is less 'now my parents have a favourite/more divide' and more -'my mum believes I have a favourite and is spending more time with my other daughter to balance it out/address the divide.

Either you mum is a giant shitstirrer or she's a good mum whose trying to make a point to you before its too late. Which do you think OP?

Having the first baby is not the worst thing she could have done. Having a second baby when she can't look after the first one without her parents' support - financially and practically, with a waste of space who barely visits his first child once a week is a pretty terrible life decision, and not really indicative of someone who is a "great mum" or "family orientated" either.

OP I think your mum went a bit too far but yes, would take time to really consider what she has said, and to speak to both your daughters. Have you actually asked DD1 how she feels - could she benefit from help in any way whether financial or emotional? Sounds like she's deliberately chosen a career where she helps others rather than the very high flying/earning one she could have had - if you gave her even a token amount, nothing equivalent to all the money you've saved DD2 over the years then that could be a lovely holiday or treat she can't afford herself. You say " I give both of them exactly what they need," - but what have you actually given DD1, compared to DD2, other than a bit of emotional support when she broke up with a boyfriend 5 years ago (which tbh is the bare minimum expected of a parent!)

With DD2 I really would plan (with her) how you are going to eventually cut the apron strings. You say "for now DD2 needs more" but how long does "for now" last? With 2 DC she's actually in a worse position now than she was 5 years ago.

DD1 sounds awesome. DD2...less so.
You are pretending to both the world sees no difference between them and you're doing no favours to either of them.

I read it as the Mum seeing DD1 on her own (OP’s Mum’s) birthday, not on DD2’s birthday.

As per an earlier poster - you’ve created a new family unit that DD1 isn’t part of.

Second grandchild under your roof cements that. Every conversation, every holiday, will revolve around DD2 and her children.

It seems odd that you’ve got funds to put multiple grandchildren through private school but the deposit money for your DD2 to move out falls short. But I don’t suppose DD2 can get a mortgage anyway.

Presumably DD2 having a second child this year will delay her working and gaining some independence.

So things won’t improve. And you’re more than okay with that.
Good thing DD1 has her grandmother.

What are you talking about? The OP and her DH are loaded. They can help their DD buy a flat now if they want to. Or they can give her 6 months rent upfront to get a private rental. These people have money. There is no problem affording housing. Also, social housing isn't judged solely on income, it's judged on need. They don't need social housing! They live in a nice 3 bedroom house with the child's grandparents. Where is the need?

As somebody who broke up with their uni boyfriend who then took their own life I can tell you now she is not OK and definitely needed her parents. You say newly -ex- boyfriend, is that what happened? Because the guilt never leaves you. People blamed me and I was treated very kindly by some and terribly by others over something I know was objectively not my fault but will never FEEL like it wasn't. Especially when it happens at such a formative age, and by the sounds of it for her in her second language in another country. But the timeline looks as though your DD2 would have announced she was pregnant and dropping out of uni so her grief and trauma had a time limit.

I wonder though if giving tens of thousands of pounds to this ‘couple’ is wise.

we have a man with a four year old child and another on the way who sees his family once a week at best and still lives with his parents.

It Sounds like OP and her husband are covering most of the costs for his current child and will do the same for his second.

this doesn’t sound like a long term relationship - he has been happy to see very little of his four year old, if they ever do buy a house how will he adjust to moving from a children home with his parents to supporting and parenting two children full time? He isn’t parenting his one child now.

There is a strong possibility this relationship will breakdown - The daughter will never be able to afford to support two children in private education and in an expensive area so she will likely be with her parents long term.

A three bedroom house will not be big enough so OP will buy a bigger family home - but there still won’t be room for their oldest daughter to visit.

Don't worry, that poster is talking bobbins. No way would these people be getting social housing.

If I was given the message that one of my children was feeling neglected compared to the other one, I would take it seriously. I would immediately be going to visit them, or if not feasible I would be having a FaceTime conversation and addressing it directly asap.

We tend to speak openly in our family and discuss things as soon as they arise. The only people who can comment on this is your children and you need to have a loving conversation with your elder daughter just to check this out as soon as you can. Only she has the answers. MN doesn’t.

Agree.

The point made about DD1 talking about her work, her boyfriend and holidays, was heavy with implied criticism that she's being selfish and thoughtless in mentioning these subjects. Absolutely no acceptance at all that she's just talking about her life - and as a young woman in her 20s, these are perfectly normal subjects to mention.

The OP's update about not being in any hurry for her DD2 to move out, is very telling. She's prepared to open her purse to fund private education for her grandson, but not to increase the amount of deposit to enable DD2 to move out and live with her partner and child as a family. I wonder how much of DD2's desire to stay local is being encouraged by the OP, as moving more than a few minutes' walk away, would curtail the OP's ability to carry on mothering her grandson.

I also completely agree with the observation that DD1 is always busy and difficult to pin down for visits, because she's learned that spending time together is not a priority for her parents. It's no surprise that she wouldn't prioritise finding time in her diary to see them. Particularly if the options are to come back to the UK, where she can't stay at her parents' house because she's not actually welcome. Or to join them on a family holiday which is inevitably going to be built around a young child. And in both cases, none of her family are actually interested in her life (apart from her grandma), and she's very passive aggressively othered for not cooing over DD2's son and impending baby.

The mention of being prepared to fund private education for any children DD1 has, and that this is somehow evidence of equal treatment, is just deluded. Not from a financial perspective, but it demonstrates a complete lack of emotional intelligence. I wonder what the OP will do if her DD1 turns round and tells her that she does not want a penny from them. In her shoes this is exactly what I would do - I wouldn't want any kind of tie or obligation to be formed, as it just becomes a future stick for the OP to use ("well we're paying for your child's schooling!").

I considered not engaging in this thread when I saw it this morning. It was never going to end well, was it. It’s a difficult and painful situation. PPs sharing their experiences, PPs judging and yes offering advice as OP requested! OP may wish she hadn’t started the thread.

We all, despite how we actually see ourselves, would do well to look at ourselves and do some work on ourselves. We can only heal ourselves. We cannot heal OP and her DDs. None of us are ever wrong, are we? Only OP or her DD1 or DD2 or DGMa.

How many of us come from distanced and estranged families. Do any of us see the part we may have played, is it always someone else’s fault.

Put it down to the human condition, sadly there are more casualties there should be.

DD1 is 25, educated and successful. I can't imagine she'll be having kids for 10 years in which time the money for private schools will have all been spent on DD2s kids. I wonder if OP will move to a bigger house when the 3rd grandchild comes along?

Me too except my dad lives with me and I have multiple siblings. My mother would have said the same about me that I was the lucky one. I wasn’t. I had no support from her growing up and my siblings crap life choices were celebrated (numerous babies by different fathers/mothers) whilst my academic achievements ignored. I gave up having contact with them all and when my mother died about a decade ago all I thought was good, she’s gone. It’s not childish or immature to want some recognition for doing well in life - especially if, like me, you’re from family that never had money so never had opportunities for hobbies etc. I did bloody well to get out of that life and do well for myself but to my mother I was a failure as I didn’t have kids.

This is really difficult and I do agree with the majority of posters that DD1 is missing out here, crucially in terms of support and contact with her parents. In terms of the currents rather than money. Some things that stuck out:

1. When she comes home it seems she has to displace her nephew from a bedroom, and this will be uncomfortable for her. Even more so when another baby comes along and has to be accomodated. She must feel pushed out when she visits.
2. Others have pointes out-your recounting of the argument is one sided. What DD2 said was insulting and unkind. And what DD1 said was in response to that.
3. I get wanting to provide a home for DD2 and your grandson, but this has caused her to fwel entitled and in no hurry to support self and family. As insldicated clearly by having another child!
4. It seems you are judging both DDs life choices and that in general you put more emphasis on children and family and living near you than academic and professional success. That is a view many share, but it can also be seen (esp by DD1) as valuing her achievements and lifestyle less.
5. I really dont see why you are paying private school fees in this situation. That's an unnecessary expense and further supports DD2s choice of what is in fact a pretty cushy lifestyle with minimum effort.
6. Inviting DD1 on holiday with her sister, kids and boyfriend is clearly not going to be something DD1 wants to do because her sister is pretty insulting towards her and, even if she wasnt, a holiday with kids in your 20s is a very different one to without. Would she actually have any 1 on 1 time with you anyway or would you be doing childcare? Perhaps spend this holiday's budget on a holiday for the three of you somewhere DD1 and you and your husband would enjoy and which is a more adult/cultural break and mends some bridges? My feeling is that DD1 would at least appreciate that offer.

You're funding your grandkid because your D2 isn't. She isn't working. She's got a vague plan of hairdressing. And she's been irresponsible enough to get pregnant again when she can't support her first child and the father is barely involved.

She sounds like a young teenager. You've stunted her by making her your golden child.

Give your D1 enough money for a house deposit before it's all gone on your D2 and grandkids even if that's what you'd prefer.

I suspect most of the posters on this topic supporting DD1 either have had children without marriage. Or have grandkids born out of wedlock. Therefore they find the idea of telling DD2 some home truths horrifying and highly personal. DD2 is irresponsible. She should move out and understand the impact of her life decisions. A second child is unbelievable under your parents roof with an unreliable unavailable boyfriend. You don't mention if he contributes financially. Mend your relationship with DD1.

This reply seems very telling to me. You seem to perceive DD1 as having been blessed with many natural talents and gifts, which are acknowledged and praised in the outside world - all fine and good.

But you also clearly perceive a difference between them in how much your DD2 possesses these qualities compared to her sister (or how much these qualities are recognised by the outside world).

Have you considered that you might have tried to counteract this by overcompensating in how you treat DD2? It’s lovely that DD1 received outside praise and affirmation, but the approval any child most wants is from their parents. If there was an unequal level of praise (or a perception of this), then that can cause huge resentment and rifts between siblings.

Maybe you have been completely equal, and there’s something else going on. But as lots of posters have said, you need to try and address this with your eldest and listen openly and honestly to what she says. If she feels there’s an imbalance in how much you love/indulge/support them, even if it’s just a perceived imbalance, then that’s going to be the root of a lot of problems, not least been your daughters themselves.

You'll leave a bad taste if DD1 inherits less than DD2. At least make that fair.

But if DD2's still living in the house with 3-4 teenage children and no partner then it'll be her hoooooooooooooome and DD1 won't need it because she's so successful/independent/beautiful whatever.

The fact that dd1 doesn't have a bedroom in her family home because of dd2 is all I needed to hear. I'd be disgusted if I were her and feel like my sister was being rewarded for making poor choices. I'm not surprised she's turned her grandparents into her de facto parents.
Your mum is closer to her and has obviously picked up on how she feels. Listen to her or you'll lose your dd1 and your next thread will be about wondering why dd1 has gone NC with you.