The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

When DD1 needed us the most (such as when her newly ex boyfriend took his own life when she was 20) we rallied around and supported her unconditionally. She just doesn’t need us in the same way DD2 does.

I missed this bit earlier. How absolutely awful for her. You keep telling her her life is easy, she's lucky, she's blessed. But actually you're not seeing a young woman who has worked hard for opportunities, pushed herself to achieve, and has been living with a huge, traumatising loss. You should be so immensely proud of her, OP. Of course she needs you. She's always needed you. But you've shown her that you have nothing to give her.

@Allosie my DSis is entirely dependent on our mum. Me and my brothers have all worked since our teens. DSis had her first - short lived part time - job recently, which she gave up because it was "too stressful". Our mum hasn't given me or my brothers any financial support, because we "don't need it", and has never given any support with childcare either - she even expects us to provide the food - for herself and DSis as well as ourselves - if we visit. Because we're "adults now", and "independent", and DSis "isn't set up yet".

It's really, really hurtful. DB2 is living in a horrible, damp shared rented flat in a dangerous area - Mum could easily afford to help him at least to rent somewhere a bit nicer while he saves for a deposit, but she won't, because "he's working", so he doesn't need money. Meanwhile, she gives DSis a big allowance every month, because she's not working.

FWIW, our family is absolutely fucked up in lots of ways, & I think this horrible favouritism arises from that in some way. Maybe worth asking if your own family dynamics are also fucked up for some reason, and your favouritism towards the dependent (co-dependent?) daughter arises from deeper issues.

How does your dp feel about everything op?

I can see how this situation started when dd2 got pregnant at 19 and started off living with you, but four years later I’m surprised you haven’t used the money spent on private school fees to help set her up in her own home instead. It does seem a bit of an unhealthy dynamic that you’re basically now a new separate family unit with dd2 and gc. Is it really what dd2 needs? Perhaps initially it was as a new mum, but four years later and I can see why dd1 would feel pushed out.

I’d also be worrying about the long term impact all this is having on your gc, he only sees his dad once a week? I guess you and your dp have become like extra parents to him, how is he going to feel / cope when they eventually move out and suddenly start living as a new separate family unit themselve? It does sound like you’re playing happy families under the guise of supporting dd2, how much of this is about you op? Do you actually want dd to move out and be independent? You can still be supportive at the same time as her living in her own place.

If dd’s partner lives and works 2 hours away, how will this work when / if they get a place of their own? Will he commute 4 hours a day to work? It just doesn’t sound very sustainable going forward, with another baby on the way I think I’d be supporting them to set up their own family unit of four asap, it just doesn’t sound healthy for the children if this current set up continues

I agree with your mother, you are lucky actually that she has spoken up to hopefully open your eyes. I have a similar situation with my brother. He is the one that has always made the mistakes and always been propped up. I have always felt unsupported, even through long years of infertility I was basically left to go it alone, no offer of help emotional or financial.
It does breed resentment. I think also just because they are family it doesn't mean you have to like them.

This post is bonkers.
DD2 is not on her own. She has a partner, although he doesn't bother to see his own child more than once a week. The one thing he is good at seems to be impregnating her.
The OP is so blatantly favouring DD2 that I wonder if we have read the same posts.

Just own that your second daughter is your favorite already.

Money does not equal love, but it feels like it. I would seriously consider giving DD1 a lump sum now to even things up a bit. I know you say you have money put away for her future children and house deposit, but what if she doesn't want these things? As others have pointed out, DD1's independence may have been forced on her by your focus on DD2.

@Allosie i am all for being supporting parents/grandparents.
I would give either of children what they needed in support wether financially , emotionally or my time .

However I would be pretty upset if my dd had the support with one child then got herself pregnant again before sorting herself out . I’d definitely feel she was taking the “p”
I think this may be what has triggered your mother.
Id be having a chat with my dd about being responsible as if you don’t she is always going to be expecting you to pick up the pieces.

@Allosie would you ever think ask dd1 if she would prefer one of those holidays was just you and her father ? No sister no grandchildren.

I agree with this! You are being very Marxist ("From each according to their ability, to each according to their needs) about this OP which is pretty reasonable but a bit of extra attention for dd1 would be a good idea, perhaps you could go out to visit her for a few days and treat her a bit, and just make sure she knows how proud you are of her and that you are right there to help if she needs anything

@Allosie You stated ”She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.”

You made a conscious decision to consistently praise one child more than the other - this is awful.

The most important thing parents can give their children are the things that don’t cost e.g. their time, their love, their support. This doesn’t mean treating them exactly the same but withholding praise to boost DD2 is very harsh.

Ask yourself the following questions:

• how many times did and do you say to DD1 - in a minute DD2 needs us, we can’t help you to do xyz etc. because DD2 needs us?
• how many times have you said to DD2 in a minute DD1 needs us, we can’t help you to do xyz as DD1 needs us?
• Have you ever had a discussion with DD1 and agreed to do something and then changed it because DD2 wanted something different? Do you change times, venues etc. to DD2s preference ignoring DD1s preferences?

You Mum has given you a wake up call, she doesn’t have favourites you do. You need to make a real effort with DD1 e.g. ask to join her in Italy or snowboarding anything where you put DD1 first and don’t change it to accommodate DD2.

Sorry but if I was DD1 I’d not speak to my sister either, you’re enabling her poor life decisions. The audacity of her to have another child whilst living in your house and not with the actual father of her children!!

So many people on her projecting their own situations OP. It doesn’t sound at all to me like you’ve always favoured your younger daughter. Nor that you intend her to be some lazy co-dependent still living at home in her 30s. It’s quite normal to live at home at 23. If she’s passionate about her new profession and saving and planning to move out and buy her own place then that all seems perfectly healthy.

If you’re worried about it then you might wish to speak to your DD1 just to check that she doesn’t feel left out or need more support. But I really don’t think that’s the case here. And that’s from someone who was treated less favourably and whose parents always thought I needed less support so I get all of that.

You could appear to be a tight family unit - you, your DH, DD2, grandchild (and another on the way). And this could be making DD1 feeling excluded and appear to others they are not part of the family unit (like your mother).

But dd1 sounds rather distant and a little cold towards them all anyway, and this seems to be of her own choosing. Do i font get why everyone is saying the OP should run after her and make her feel loved. Some of those academically able types of children dont feel a psrticular closeness to family anyway. They'd rather hang out with others who speak their language and it sounds like that is what happened here.

A cautionary tale@Allosie.
I am DD1 in this scenario. Bright, driven and independent (to some extent forced into the latter by circumstances). My brother (4 years younger) is bright but was coddled by my parents when younger. No doubt my parents thought I was 'blessed' with confidence and some kind of hard working gene. Maybe I was, but I worked bloody hard at everything and taught myself to take risks.
My brother is 50, divorced, and still lives in the first flat he bought which is about 5 miles away from my parents. They jump when he says jump even though they are now late seventies.
I am happily settled with a partner and son living three hours away from them. We chose this area because they said that they intended to retire here. They have stayed put (close to my brother of course). My husband barely tolerates them and I make a duty visit with their grandchild three times a year. Ideally I would not stay with them. My brother and I don't talk (his choice and they have never challenged him) so there is no 'family' to speak of.
In September 2024 I had what might have been a catastrophic brain haemorrhage and stroke and emergency brain surgery. I was in intensive care for five days and then in hospital for another ten. My husband only informed my parents once I came out of intensive care (with my agreement). They offered to 'help' with grandson by coming to stay but husband declined as he was just about managing and didn't need the extra hassle. They did not visit me in hospital as I was 'too busy with friends visiting' and neither have they visited me since.
Their loss. I know who won't be running around after them as they decline.

Speak to DD1. You need to sort this - some things can't be reversed.

This second pregnancy would be fine if, in the intervening 4 years, she’d made a proper go of being an adult and her and her boyfriend had set themselves up as a family in their own home. And proved their relationship was actually successful. But nothing has changed. She’s had nursery fees paid for and a deposit ready to go, so there’s absolutely no excuse not have sorted this all out.

OP, has your DD2 finished hairdresser training and is working full time now that her son is 4. 19 is very different to 23 and you would expect to see some progress in life especially since you have picked up the load of housing, bills and childcare. It doesn't seem like help if she is willingly resetting herself back to stage zero and expecting you to continue to provide for her four years later. Will she do the same again at 27? 31? What's her plan for her life with these kids?
Her relationship with her partner is very strange and he sounds like a manchild, but even he should be further along in life four years later. Is he working now and has completed any training he was doing at 19 (can't remember if you said they were the same age but guessing so since he is also with parents). Does he pay anything towards his child (soon to be children)? Do the other grandparents see the child at all or is everything at your house. Is he happy about the new baby arriving. Was the second baby planned? I'm trying to work out why they think this is a good idea to double down on the kids if nothing else has changed and they're still incapable of parenting them. Does he want to move out of his parents house and live with his kids or is he living a parallel 20something year old life on all the days of the week you guys don't see him?
I wont touch on DD1 as she has left the building and I imagine you'll see less of her as she finds more support elsewhere. I'm sure she appreciates that your mum sees her though.

your mums right about everything.

i’d also suggest you like having a baby at home as it makes YOU feel young again.

that’s not fair on your dd2 or the baby’s dad. He is missing out on so much of his sons life and youre actually the one causing it by bending over backwards for dd2s every need.

i forget how pregnant she is, but she should really consider her options as she needs to qualify in her chosen work field and get a steady job and house before bringing another child into the world. But youve probably reassured her that any more gc will be much loved etc so shes thought thats a green light….

honestly op most of this mess is on you.

give dd2 a deposit for a house and get her out. shes missing out too. get over to see dd1 and give her EXACTLY THE SAME amount of money you gave dd2.

stop babying dd2 and let her make her own way in the world with her babies’ father. provide financial assistance from this pot of money you apparently have but make it for a defined period of time and a defined amount so she can learn to budget. she’ll get benefits too.

youll be very very lucky if dd1 forgives you for pushing her aside especially after her bf’s suicide at such a young age. No wonder she stays with gran not you. Gran gets it. All you get is how you need to look after dd2 and how that makes you, and older woman, feel like a mummy again not a mum. Let dd2 grow up.

Talk to DD1. If she's happy with the amount of care and attention you give her then you're doing fine by her. ( And care and attention right now might be a simple weekly call where you listen and take an interest in her life.)

Find out what DD2's intentions are. If she and her partner are furiously squirrelling away money for a rental deposit then that looks rather different to DD2 staying with you indefinitely and her partner dropping by once a week.

Depending on the answers to the above, DM may or may not have a valid point.

I am DD1 in the scenario you have described, although not exactly the same situation. I want to share with you how it was for me. It was always assumed that I would be ok, because I’m the pretty and intellectual one. My sis was always more needy than me, and she got more attention, more support and from my perspective more love than I did. It was always assumed that I would be ok, and although I am perfectly capable of managing, I never had the emotional support my sister did, and honestly it’s impacted my whole life, and my ability to form proper relationships.
The support you describe for your eldest sounds really transactional, where the support for your youngest is more emotional. You’ve also effectively made your DD1 unwelcome in her home by giving away her room. When I went to uni, my sis took my room and I never felt welcome at home again, even though I am sure my parents thought I was just being independent.
I really hope you can hear this. You sound so certain that you are right, but honestly, it sounds as though your DD1 is missing some love.

I mean... She's kind of got a point.

DD2 is taking advantage. Instead of having a second child, she should have been concentrating on building an independent life with Child One. Her partner should be stepping up to play a more active role. I suspect there's a lot of "mum will help/mum will sort it." She needs more tough love. It's all well and good playing at hair styling, but she needs to be concentrating on getting her life on track NOW, not depending on some future goal. Which will now be pushed even further back due to Child Two.

DD1 has managed, because DD1 has always had to manage.

Likely a lot of what your mum has said has come direct from DD1s mouth. I think it would be foolish to not at least try to get to the bottom of it a little more.

This!

We're not projecting. We're telling OP our experiences of being the "capable, bright independent" child while another is coddled. And the consequences of that for our family relationships.

You poor thing. So sorry to hear about your brain haemorrhage. As you say, some things cannot be reversed. There comes a point where it's too late. It may be too late for the OP's DD1. Sadly, she isn't even trying to find out.

Well.it's not.really.your parents' fault if you were so independent and removed yourself. Relationships are a two way street and it sounds like you gave the impression you were independent and didn' t need them, so what are they supposed to do.