The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

The more I read, the more sorry I feel for DD1.

There’s an episode of Modern Family that I sob at every time - it’s where Alex, the clever daughter, has a sort of parents evening and for the first time her mum realises how much she has to manage and juggle. Instead of just being labelled the clever and capable one, her mum sees just exactly how capable she is and the struggle behind that - and it breaks me as no one has ever acknowledged how hard it is for me to be so successful, it’s just expected.

And even worse, I feel so much pressure to maintain the success, because that’s where all my “worth” is. I’m the clever, independent, resilient, successful daughter - so what do I have left that’s positive if I fail. Especially because my parents can’t afford to house me because that bandwidth is used housing my sister.

What if OP’s DD1 gets pregnant and needs to come home? OP will you be making room for her and her new baby? Or do you think that will just never happen? And then do you realise the pressure you’re putting on DD1 to make sure that never happens, all the while enabling and encouraging DD2 to do that same thing over and over?

No wonder DD1 is always too busy to see you…

My parents told me that they fully expect my sister to have to move back in with them at some point and all plans they make accommodate this. And that they do not think that of me, because I'm capable.

What I heard was that I don't have the safety net of moving back home if I need it, but she does.

DD1 has been made to feel like a stranger in a strange land. Priority given to the feckless sister, her existing and expected offspring and their deadbeat dad. It is no longer her family home and hasn't been for a while. It sounds as if the OP has no interest in anything except for playing 'Mummy' all over again. I wonder if she is so reluctant to let go of DD2 because otherwise her life is empty.

I don’t think the OP, or our parents, will ever see it. I appreciate that people are different and have different struggles, but no one would believe me if I said I’d swap for my sister’s struggles in a heartbeat if it meant all of my bills were paid and I didn’t have to worry about them no matter what happened or what decision I made that day/week/year.

OP, your follow up posts are confirming what your own mother has observed. You are enabling dd2 and showing extreme favouritism. Quite frankly I can see why dd1 fills her life with friends and hobbies so she is less available for visits where she is treated like an outsider. Nothing she does will be good enough for you.

This answer is way more illuminating than the first. Why are you paying school fees? Not only are you supporting dd2 above and beyond - it is also above and beyond what most parents can afford or choose to do for their own children.

Your daughter rarely comes home and when she does doesn’t stay with you? She is massively resentful and I see why. If you want to rescue that relationship beyond just abstractly admiring her from afar I totally agree with the pp - you need to have a very honest, non-defensive chat about how she feels. Please don’t go into justifying and rationalising all the reasons dd2 needs you more and how effortless dd1 life has been - really listen to her version of events - I suspect it will be quite different from how you imagine if she even has the energy to go there. Sadly it may be too late. I really really feel for dd1 - those mother wounds go deep.

I believe you! Achieving academically and getting a good job is hard. especially in this climate.

One of DH's sisters has been propped up all her life by their parents. She chose to have 5 kids and not work and her DH chose to give up work - he was in a secure public sector role. So they were being paid an allowance to cover the kids, their mortgage, savings, holidays etc etc etc

When the ILs died their money was split evenly between siblings and DSIL went batshit because the others 'didn't need it'. But the others had not had the decades of handouts.

DH said to me recently he could forsee a time when his sister's inheritance runs out that we will have to prop her up. I pointed out that we have 2 Dcs of our own,. one of whom is disabled, and she has 5 now adult children- 4 of whom work in professional roles and suggested maybe they could support their mother if it came to that.

Seeing the lightbulb switch on for DH was an interesting experience.

Sure as shit I know that if we or our children needed help his sister would not volunteer in any way.

I am DD1, and DD2 here is my sister who is younger than me by over decade.

How I wish someone would tell my Dad what your Mum has told you. I wish it with all my bones, because maybe then we could talk about the resentment I feel. I moved out at 21. I now own my own home and have a good life, and thus probably seen as sorted. Probably seen as capable.

I never ask for anything. No help, no favours and probably most importantly I never ask for time. Mainly because I don't feel they want to see me, but also as most conversations will work back around to my sister's life as she lives at home at almost 30. I want my parents to want to talk about my life and my interests, not how my sister is or what she's up to.

Please talk to your daughter in Paris and ask if she knows your Mum has said this to you. It may open some floodgates she really needs.

I agree with this.

Does DD1 really want you to be that involved? She seems quite happy to be separate from the family. I wouldn’t be very proud of her for the way she isn’t interested in her sister because she’s not as intellectually gifted.

Clearly if further down the line your elder daughter needs support then you would be there for her, and that’s important that you balance it out then. Provided that you also go and visit DD1 from time to time and continue to show an interest in her I don’t think you have done anything wrong. I also don’t like the way your mother prioritises your elder daughter’s achievements and attractiveness. Just because some skills are financially valued in society or attributes like looks are prized doesn’t mean we have to value them more. It’s perfectly respectable to be a hairdresser and it’s something we all need in life. And looks fade and are not a personal accomplishment they’re a genetic lottery win.

YANBU
Trust your instincts.
You are doing nothing wrong.
I would speak to your DD1 and see how the land lies.

As for your mother, she sounds very harsh and controlling. Is she usually such a shallow academia snob?
To mention DD2’s looks is also downright mean spirited.
You’ve definitely got a nasty mother problem here.

You’ve made this bed. By constantly bolstering DD2 you’ve alienated DD1. What if DD1 doesn’t want children? She doesn’t get your financial input?????

You say 5 years ago she lost her boyfriend to suicide, whilst at university and that you supported her then? So why hasn’t this continued? How long did you support her? If you aren’t still then I would suggest it wasn’t for very long. Suicide of a loved one isn’t linear grief and just because she has entered other relationships since doesn’t mean she “over” him.

You mother is right, your lack of input into DD1 and over input into DD2 is mind blowing. You have effectively given DD2 a gold star just because DD1 got one. This is less about their life choices and more about how you’ve chosen to treat them. You don’t seem to care about DD1 at all and have transferred this all to DGS (her room, attention, finances) of course you should be asking DD1 about her life when she visits BECAUSE YOU DON’T PARTICIPATE ON IT ON A DAY TO DAY. Additionally why would she be interested in DGS, when will people get over that other people’s children (even relatives) aren’t always that interesting!

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. But my sister's biggest worry is whether she should ask someone to look after the dog so she can go to the theatre with my mum. She doesn't live in the real world at all.

And who is everything going to fall to when parents can no longer do things, for themselves or her? The capable one who hasn't had any of that support from them, but is expect to provide it all.

I live in a different place now, and there is a number of reasons I'll likely never move back, but this dynamic is a massive factor.

Possibly, but it still seems unusual to have that much and still chose to live in a house that doesn’t meet their needs, but also to not provide a larger deposit for DD2, or buy her a house outright. My suspicion is that if the OP is actually ever called upon to provide 14 years of school fees for 4+ grandchildren it isn’t going to happen.

You really can’t see that you are not doing your best for dd2. How many more children is she going to have while still being mollycoddled by you?

yes her life took a different route but that was her choice and we all need to make sacrifices, she is a mum and should be making adult choices not depending on her mum and dad to bail her out .

her and her partner need to decide where they are living and make that commitment, it’s not fair on her children that hey live so far apart.

I do feel sorry for your dd1, she has been pushed out of the family by DD2s choices in life as well as yours as parents.

The chance would be to not have the second child until she and father were in the same house. No mention of a council accommodation list for DD2's family.
My sister and brother could so easily be DD1 and DD2.

OP, I'm probably going to phrase this clumsily but help isn't always financial and it's not always 'help' per se. It's time, love, appreciation and making sure any potential inheritance is equal and maybe takes into account the vast amount of help DD2 has received already. Go on holiday with DD1. Small children aren't always interesting if you don't have your own. If I were DD1 I'd run a mile from bucket and spade holidays.

Some siblings always need more help, life is like that but unless carefully handles, it can cause enormous resentment.
I think your mum might be right. Time to take a step back and look at the situation as it really is.

Nothing to do with the GM causing DD1 to feel neglected. DD1 is literally neglected. They visit her once a year! The grandparents aren't just 'helping with the grandchild'. That's a total downplaying of what the grandparents are doing for DD2. This is nothing to do with DD2 wanting to be a hairdresser and everything to do with blatant favourtism, which is a horrible thing within families as it wrecks multiple relationships. Even, worse, the OP completely fails to even consider that her behaviour is the problem here.

I also find it interesting that it has taken your mum holding up a mirror to how dd1 feels you have treated her for you to take action - not her palpable withdrawal from you. And when you do take action it is mainly to reinforce why it’s totally ok that dd2 is your favourite. This is very sad 😔

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos

"Hate "lucky" as a way to describe someone's circumstances", totally agree.

Just fyi, as long ago as 4BCE Seneca (philosopher) stated that

"Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity" ergo it is not random.

OP, I think a lot of people are telling your their take on this, and, politely, despite asking whether YABU, you don’t appear to be hearing what they’re saying, probably because it makes for quite uncomfortable listening.

From everything you’ve described, you are quite focused on the financial side of things and how this is equitable - or “will be” if/when DD1 has children. What about the emotional and caring side of things though? It reads as though because you’ve always perceived DD1 as so independent and capable and DD2 as needing more, she has received so much more care and attention - even when they were little, because DD1 received praise and attention from external sources, it reads as if you felt you had to give more to DD2 to balance things. That will have likely caused some very early damage I would have thought.

I am DD1 in this scenario and my DB is DD2. I have always been the more ‘capable’ one, more ‘successful on paper’ etc, whilst my DB lives with my DM still (in his 30s) and is the one we ‘worry about’. Obviously I’m not saying things aren’t different in many many ways, every situation is unique, but thing particularly struck me. I am currently having therapy (for the first time ever) after a traumatic event followed by ongoing very difficult situation as a result. One thing which we are exploring is how difficult I have been finding it to ask for help, from my family, from my friends. I somehow find it easier to struggle alone than to ask for help, whilst at the same time feeling a slightly niggling resentment that my DM in particular (who I know loves me very much and who I am close to) hasn’t just offered more help / to take some things off my plate.

What I’m saying is you think your DD1 is fine because she ‘seems fine’ and doesn’t ask for help. I would politely suggest you explore if there are some grains of truth in what your DM has said, and above all else, talk to your DD1. Ask how she is, and how she feels about what your DM has said. It may very well be that for all her success and talents and attributes, she is independent because she’s never felt able to be anything else.

OP, are you more like DD2 than DD1? Are you able to emphasise more with 2 than 1?

Could your own upbringing have some impact on your relationships with your DDs?

What is the relationship like with your DM and DD2? I hope it is good. Your DDs are a product of their upbringing and us DPs can be oblivious to this, to the point that when our DC are adults we see them as being totally responsible for their own actions despite the fact that we DPs have shaped them.

You appear to hold DD1 as totally responsible for her achievements and therefore life’s outcome but don’t seem to hold the same standard for DD2. Why?

This 👆🏻. Having read the FT I came here to say exactly this, but @TenOrq so eloquently beat me to it!

I grew up as one of three. My mother, father and grandparents have done an excellent job of raising us to all have the same and to understand we are all masters of our own destiny through our own choices by not mollycoddling and ‘offsetting’ those for us.

On the other hand, I know another person who is one of three who is absolutely the favourite and, similarly, has not done so well as the two others and now lives with her mother along with her three children and cannot effectively maintain relationships outside of this due to their enmeshment and her mothers interference, it’s broken down all of her relationships/marriage. Things have now happened in that family that have left a lot of regrets and shifts in position over time. The family believe they effectively gloss over these, but the situation is actually very obvious to anyone outside of it. The ex husband says he’s tried to discuss the enmeshment with the favourite daughter he was married to, she sees it, but seems powerless to do anything about it. It’s so sad.

Your grandchildren deserve a fully functioning family unit with their father. DD2 deserves the right to move on in the world and find her own way and function under her own personal choices. Do your daughter and the father of her children a favour and let them make their own way in the world. Do they even know if they can build an effective, functioning, family unit given that neither they or you have tried to give that a chance?

Being a hairdresser is not the problem. I would be perfectly ok with my DD being a hairdresser. May well survive AI!
I would not be happy with her getting pregnant twice and expecting me to support them. Getting pregnant is a choice. Choosing to have a baby is a choice.

Wow. How can you not see that infantilising dd2 is not helping. Absolutely her mother should have said something, arguably before. Her mother is completely right. The op needs to wake up before making her dd2 so dependant on her that she won’t be able to deal with things when her parents are elderly and need their own help.

She isn't on her own, she has a partner who she is pregnant to again who even stops over in her mums house.
If they can't afford to even rent somewhere together, they have no business bringing more children into the mix. But if mummy keeps paying for a roof over their head and whatever her children needs, she will never change.