The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Some of those academically able types of children dont feel a psrticular closeness to family anyway.
I can see that having an all embracing career/deep abiding interest in abstruse hobbies might mean it's harder for the academically able types to with the minutiae of toddler life but that's a hell of a generalisation @Daygloboo .

Another bonkers post. Lots of people have come along and spent time trying to help @Allosie by explaining how damaging their experiences have been in similar circumstances and how DD1 may be feeling.
Why are you pretending that this situation is the average 23 yr old living at home when it is anything but?!

Do you know how much of your Mums conversation was driven by how DD1 really feels?

I understand and can see the importance of supporting DD2 and your GS - however I can also see that probably the comfortable life you are providing could be contributing to some of the difficulties.

• Do both DDs know about the house deposit money?
• When you spend on DD2 and GS do you put an equivalent amount in an account for DD1? When you take DD2 and her family on holiday do you send what it would cost to take DD1 on holiday, to her to enjoy?
• Do you contact DD1 in different ways - little notes/ cards? sending her something she can’t get in paris that she likes from the UK?
• My nephew is currently living away and he comes home to BiL twice a year as the way he feels he has been treated by them is unfair. He has built a life that doesn’t include them - I am just mentioning this as it appears DD1 can make time for her GP’s to visit, but struggles to commit to coming home (where she has to stay with her GP’s and not in her family home).
• I wonder if DD1 doesn’t see it as her family home anymore- as it’s been overtaken by DD2?
• You have said you provide support to each child when they need it - which I think we all strive to do - but DD2 has needed it for much longer. Therefore does DD1 feel that is unfair and just sees that inequity?

I do think your Mum has raised some points that you need to consider and address, if appropriate. I am not saying the points are right or even reflective of whats happening but they are worth working through with DD1.

You may not agree with your Mum or DD1, but if DD1 does feel this way - her view and her opinion is just as valid as yours.

I don't think it's too late for the OP, if she moves DD2 out to a flat and gives DD1 a bedroom in her house. May take a few years to settle them all, but can work.

You see anything that your DD1 achieves as having a negative impact on your DD2 so it can’t be celebrated with any real warmth.

This is so insightful 🤔

This

Being a fantastic mum isn't dependent on how DD2 has made choices to have children outside a" traditional family unit".
Otherwise all women who had a male partner and home would be fantastic mums, and we all know that's not true.
If DD2 is attentive,encouraging and bringing children up to be productive and stable members of society, she is a good mum.
As far as OzP is concerned I totally agree with the approach that she is providing each daughter what is appropriate to their needs. Everything in life doesn't have to be equal.

The grandmother should butter out she had her chance with her own kids and is missing a valuable opportunity to spend time with great grandchildren, she is blessed but can't see it.

I was pretty much your DD2 but didn't have parents to fall back on.
Lots of judgy behaviour from everyone. Everyone thought I had failed.
But I had my DS and was just a late developer. I went on to have a good career and buy my own home and now at 64 Im very happy. His father wasnt on the scene.
I think having children young is great, then you have your whole life to think about a career. Im sure she will do well.
My sister has just had a baby at nearly 50 and although Im very happy for her the thought of having young children that late in life makes me shudder.

What exactly is she doing towards DD1's needs?

She is also entirely failing to meet DD2's needs as well as she is coddling her , encourging her to take no responsibility and treating her like a child in her mid teens.

This isn't about you or how you feel about your sister having children late in life.

Why are you paying for private education? Schools in Brighton arent that bad, though housing is ridiculously expensive.

Are either your daughter or her partner on the waiting list for social housing?

I do think your DD2 is taking the mick having another child when she is still reliant on you financially.

However, your DD1 could be more compassionate, DD2 has obviously had some struggles at school etc. Maybe she's a bit jealous of her sister beneath it all, her sister has all your attention and support and is being 'rewarded' for the choices she makes. Maybe she would like to have a baby but feels she's not at the right stage of her life yet. My sister had a baby at 18, though she was estranged from our parents. I did envy her though I didn't want to swap my.life for hers. I did feel like I was 'stuck' in a certain life pattern though.

I don't think you should turn your daughter and grandson out but I'd be wanting to see some concrete plans about how they are going to support themselves going forwards.

And I do think there is some repair work to be done with

As it isn't for very long or often, tell DD2 to put a sock in it.

Did she discuss her plans to have a second child (at your expense) with you?

And have you ever asked DD1 if she'd like you to visit more often?

Are you really OK with your DD2 choosing to have a second child when she is not even remotely independent? If her partner is 2 hours away are you going to take charge of the older GC while she deals with a newborn??

Do you realise that you are enabling her dependance on you? Horrible to imagine but if you and your husband were both incapacitated tomorrow what do you think would happen to her and the GC?

I am entirely with your DM I'm afraid.

are either your daughter or her partner on the waiting list for social housing?

why on earth would they be?? This is a family who are paying for private school for a 4 year old and have deposits available for both their kids when they need them. Social housing 😆 what on earth. The DD2 can move out any time she likes. The OP doesn't want her to!

I am DD1 in this case. And while it has never particularly grated on me, now i am providing way more care, love and support to our elderly parent (when sibling lives less than an hour away, and i am in a different country) it is starting to get on my nerves.

To the extent that i cba with sibling and just leave them to it. Parent told me off last week for saying "sibling who? they're an arse". My relationship with my parent isn't defined by their relationship with sibling, but my relationship with sibling isn't great and i can imagine it will dwindle once our parent is no longer there.

Is that what you want your future to look like?

Of course she's ok with it, she's happy with it. She doesn't want her DD to move out and be an independent adult with her own family. The dynamic is fucked.

No they're not. A slag is a misogynistic term for a woman deemed to have slept with a lot of men. DD1 can sleep with however many men she wants, as long as she is safe or can deal with the consequences like a responsible adult.

DD2 on the other hand was irresponsible to get pregnant at 19, with no home of her own and no career to fall back on. And then to do the same again.

OP - I know you're trying to help DD2. Ht you're teaching her nothing. The fact she can just pop out kids while you foot the bill is inexcusable.

And you don't have enough room for your eldest daughter, yet another child is going to take up space. It's not huge surprise she doesn't visit. What a shame that you are losing what seems like a lovely, talented young woman.

Why haven't you sat them down together to sort this out?

They need to be able to discuss their feelings and be heard.

Exactly this. And also, what’s going to happen to my sister when my parents aren’t around or aren’t able to provide the level of support they currently do. I think the current dynamic means that I won’t be expected to pick up their slack, but despite all of the resentment she’s my sister and I love her and I don’t want to see her become destitute - especially when it could be avoided if everyone stopped being so co dependent now!

We have a 3 bedroom house but the 3rd room is now our DGS, of course DD1 is welcome to stay and we always ask DD2 to give up her room so DD1 can sleep there. However this always results in them quarrelling so DD1 prefers to stay at her grandparents.

oh OP, you favour DD2. Just own it. Give DD1 the deposit money and just let her do her own thing.

Im just saying plenty of people are like that. I grew up.in one of our two most 'academically well known' towns - dont know how else to put it - so maybe I've met more people like that than people who didnt grow up in a town filled with academics. I went to a school filled to bursting with academically able kids. Some were my friends. I'm just saying that there are quite a lot of academic /intellectual types of people who are extremely intense and don't particularly like mixing with family. It's not their thing.

You must drum into dd1 that ds2 isn't taking advantage at all.

DD1 is possibly also trying to fill the emotional void with all her activities. Lacking parental love and emotional care leaves a massive and hole that’s hard to fill. She may be trying to fill the void with other emotional connections and getting her “high” from superficial enjoyment. Other people fill the void with food, drugs, booze. Contentment and happiness is always out of reach when you didn’t have it in childhood, ime, no matter how successful you are.

If you didn’t have parents to fall back on then you are clearly not DD2, that being the crux of the situation.

I haven't read the full thread but if my Mum spoke to me about this issue, I would know that she had thought about things very carefully and had the best interests of all of us at heart.
For that reason, I would listen carefully to what she had to say and act on her advice.
Your Mum might be very different of course, but It would be a wake up call for me.