The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

To answer your original question OP, your mum has no say in your life or your parenting and should ‘butt out’ - she has done her parenting.

As the thread has developed my views have shifted around tbh.

You did lose me at the private school fees though…. ( which your DD2 and her boyfriend cannot afford)
This shows me that DD1 is not just relying on you to house, feed and clothe them and their child, they are taking the piss. The majority of us cannot afford private school fees and therefore …..our child doesn’t go to private school. She sounds ( and her boyfriend) very entitled. I would never have done this and shows she will never be independent of you and your DH - after all DGS and the next child will be in school for the next 15-18 years! The implication you will be paying all this.

The other element was your DD1 not having a room any more at your home, and DD2 not wanting her to be comfortable by giving up her bed for (1/2 nights?)…. Plus going away and not even being there when her sister visits!

The fact that your DD1 no longer stays at your home because there is no room makes me feel that SHE feels she isn’t welcome.

Hi OP, I mean this kindly, but from an outsider reading your posts it sounds like you do very much favour DD2. You clearly feel she has had a harder time in life/ at school etc and DD1 has had things 'easy'. This seems to have led to you subconsciously overcompensating for what you see as DD1s advantages over DD2. I can see how you got there, but none of that is DD1s fault. You say your financial support will be the same for both your children and any DGCs, but not everything is about money in terms of fairness- it is also about how you demonstrate to your children that they are equally important to you and you value theit accomplishments and lifestyle. The fact that your DD1, at only 25, has been effectively pushed out of the family home speaks volumes. She only visits one a year and yet she still does not have a room to stay in? I understand you dont want DD2 to move out, but I can understand your mum and your DD1s frustration that DD2 is having a second child while still completely dependent on you and your husband. Can you see how DD1 could be hurt that seemingly all your attention is on her sister? I don't think you can do much about the living situation, as you are not willing to encourage DD2 to be more independent right now, but I think you could try and improve your relationship with DD1 by ensuring she feels that she has your love, attention and support. X

I expect dd1 will look for support elsewhere if she has children. From partner/in laws etc.

I’m pretty sure DD1 would like to be able to visit her mum without having you come as a package with DD2 and GC. Especially 1) there’s no room for her and 2) she doesn’t like her sister - because of her selfish decisions.

DD2 really does need her own place for her own family.

Sounds to me like OP is having another crack at motherhood through the grandchild. No wonder she’s not bothered there’s another on the way.

Whatever external praise DD1 received, that doesn’t make up for parental love and appreciation. If all DD1 ever did was achieve/do the right thing/not cause drama, and all she ever heard at home was her parents praising her sister in an attempt to “make up” for the fact she’s not like their eldest, then she’s bound to feel pushed out of the family love and appreciation circle - and no amount of degrees, achievements and holidays is going to fill that gap where parental love should be.

Op sounds as if she is indirectly blaming DD2’s experience of bullying on DD1. Is that why she never did anything to nip the divide between them in the bud while they were still living under the same roof? Did she do anything to nurture sibling closeness, or just end up stoking sibling rivalry by treating DD1 as if she had no emotional needs, and DD2 as if she was a cavernous hole of need that needed filling and still does.

The “DD1 is alright because she has XYZ” attitude drips from the posts. As if she has no emotional needs. She’s admonished for talking about herself on one of her few visits. And for not being particularly interested in a small child she barely knows who is no doubt eating up the attention/focus in any given scenario. OP talks about this passively as if this is all conflict between the DDs she is helpless to control. But she’s not. She chooses to “stay out of it” and thus sides with the aggressor in this scenario (DD2) and joins in with demonising DD1 passively.

I also wonder if there’s some projection going on here. OP’s mother clearly appreciates DD1’s achievements and recognises her emotional needs despite all the academic/material success. I wonder if the OP was like her DD2 in her own childhood scenario, if there’s a more successful sibling to the OP in the mix. And so she is siding with her DD2 emotionally, whilst getting the material glory out of raising the highly successful DD1 and being able to show the world (through DD1) what a fantastic mother she is - where mothering is measured by material success and not emotional connection. I wonder if it suits OP to have DD1 at arms length, where she can be cooed over and her impressive achievements bragged about to OP’s friends, but OP doesn’t have to deal with any emotional connection/need and can pretty much close her mind to that side of her eldest daughter.

is this a reverse?

Oh.

All your posts show so very clearly that you favour your dd2. Not a single comment about your dd1 sounds loving, warm or caring, just functional, detached, objectifying even.

At the same time you are enmeshed with your dd2, for whatever reason, possibly control. While mollycoddling dd2 you are actually preventing her from living her best life, one where her dc grow up in a respectful and independent household with an involved and caring father and mother, writing their own family story.

Neither your dd nor her ‘partner’ are really grown up and it will disadvantage their dc as they essentially have emotionally immature parents and are parented by their mum and grandparents.

No private school education will make up for a part-time and inefficient father figure. So while emotionally clinging onto dd2, you are actively damaging her and your grandchildren.

I am also amused at dd2’s entitlement to live in the same expensive area. At the very least she should live in her own home with her dc’s dad, so why not contribute to their rent rather than paying expensive school fees?

This has enmeshment and favouritism written all over it. A very cautionary tale.

If this is true (you never know on MN these days) I feel for your dd1.

@AudreyHepburnseyes
Op sounds as if she is indirectly blaming DD2’s experience of bullying on DD1.

The blame from the OP to DD1 seems pretty direct to me.

Your head seems so far stuck up dd2's arse that you can't see what's what.

Your DD2 is taking the proverbial. Getting pregnant again while living with you? Well she's got it easy hasn't she? I think your mum is 100% correct.

It sounds like DD1 isn’t doing as well as it may seem on the face of it. She has obviously sought support from your Mum which has prompted the intervention with you. I would be annoyed that she brought attractiveness into the equation because what has that got to do with it!

I would have a conversation with DD1 and make sure she knows how proud of her you are and let her know you are always there for her.

The fact that you can afford to but choose not to buy a house that would accommodate visits from your overseas daughter just makes it worse imo. And of course things are only going to get more difficult when DD2’s second baby arrives.

But as I said upthread, I think your money would be better spent making a larger contribution to DD2’s deposit to enable her to move out asap.

I can just imagine how jealous and furious DD2 would be if OP took DD1 on a lovely, grown-up holiday, either just the two of them or with OP’s husband. DD2 would likely hit the roof, claiming OP isn’t allowed to go because she is apparently required for childcare and for mopping up after DD2’s and her offspring's messes.

On the note of OP’s dh, what does he have to say about all this? Is he enjoying extended quasi fatherhood? Is he financing this lavish and enmeshed lifestyle? Because it prevents him from enjoying the years after completing child rearing, does he consent?

@Allosie I recommend you do some reading around the ‘golden child’ and the ‘scapegoat’. You are enmeshed with your youngest daughter. You see anything that your DD1 achieves as having a negative impact on your DD2 so it can’t be celebrated with any real warmth.

I am DD1 in your situation. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been described as ‘cold’ ‘too busy’, ‘always working’ by parents and family. The reality is it’s my way of distancing myself to protect myself from a relationship that I’ll never have.

When your DD1 visited and didn’t pay her nephew any attention that was your wake up call to wonder how she could feel strongly enough to resent a small child. In her opinion he gets all the attention and she doesn’t need to add to the adoration.

When your oldest daughter has children and you don’t have anywhere near the relationship with them that you have with your current DGS this will get even more painful for her.

it’s obvious that you are not able to offer the tough love your DD2 needs to allow her to make her way into the world as a fully functioning adult. You cannot even acknowledge this to your older daughter which would help her to understand the situation.

That’s all fine. But your oldest daughter is already distancing herself as she loves you very much and has to protect herself from the hurt you are causing her.

She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.

Ah, there it is.

Getting praise from teachers and coaches and friends is not the same as feeling that pride and love and support from your parents. I know; I was the kid who was doing okay at school, and told repeatedly by my parents that my achievements were easy for me and didn't mean as much as my sisters' because they had to work for it. But of course I had to work for my achievements! And I would have treasured praise from my parents. Praise from teachers means almost nothing.

What I'm hearing is that you effectively punished DD1 by withholding praise and affection. And you favoured DD2 by giving her lots of praise and affection on the grounds that it was harder for her to achieve things.

And then you wonder why there's a rift between them? Surely it's obvious that DD1 feels that no matter how hard she works and what success she achieves, she'll never be loved and admired by her parents. While DD2 can make a mess of her life and get all the attention and support she could wish for, and so jealously defends her status as golden child.

If you really want to fix this, maybe family therapy would be a way forward.

I wonder if the ship has sailed for dd1, who is probably now much closer to her nan than her own mother. I think OP may have left it too little too late.
Classic case here of older sibling flying the nest, like a swan - beautiful on top, but kicking away underwater where it isn't seen. And nan has now seen her.
Younger sibling gets the extra financial gifts, quality time, acts of service... When all dd1 gets are words if affirmation, which probably means little in comparison to her sisters outpouring of love through material possessions and time/service.
I feel for dd1 and wonder if a pp was correct that only therapy will help in this scenario.

I think your mum is right. You favour your dd2. Probably for, what you think are good reasons, but still not at all fair.
The way you talk about your two dds you make this quite clear even though you don't see it yourself.
You talk about your dd1 as independent and having her own life. This is great that she does but it doesn't mean she should be basically left to it while you pander to dd2.
You call her 'lucky' which really diminishes the amount of effort she would have made to have accomplished what she has. It sounds to me as though she's worked very hard, taken on a lot of challenging things to get where she is. Yet you downlplay them. You seem to be constantly trying to make her less than she is.
Your dd2 on the other hand, you do the opposite. She's a university dropout. That's not unlucky, that's a choice. Getting pregnant at 19 and having a baby that you can't afford to support, is a choice. Living with your parents and expecting them to fund the shortfall in your income because you're stlll 'finding yourself' despite being pregnant with a second child, is a choice. They're her choices and she should own them.
I think you know they're not great choices really but you seem to be trying to convince yourself that your dd2 is just unlucky or has had a bad run in life. She isn't and she hasn't.
I'm guessing by the antagonism between your two dds this has been the pattern for most of their lives. Nothing dd1 ever does is good enough for you but dd2 can do no wrong.
Your dd1 stays away from you and prefers to stay with her grandmother when she visits. Because you cannot even properly accomodate her when she visits. It's not lack of space, it's the fact that your lives revolve around propping up dd2 and her life choices.
I think it's sad that you can't see it. Even sadder that you've treated your dd1 in this way.
What you need to do is make some time and space for dd1 that doesn't involve dd2 sabotaging it.
Instead of expecting her to put up with her sister being nasty and ruining her visits you could spend some of the money you seem to throw at your dd2 on doing something nice for your dd1. Just because she's self sufficient doesn't mean she should be ignored.
And you need to start encouraging your dd2 to stand on her own feet. You're not doing her any favours pretending that everything she does is ok when it's really not.
You've created an awful inbalance in the way your treat your children.

OP, is there a reason why you don't just take the initiative and visit DD1 more often? If you are in Brighton and she is in Paris surely you could easily visit? No matter how busy your DD1 is, it's not impossible to schedule visits. That is a poor excuse. (I, personally, would be nipping over there all the time!) Maybe she feels that you have no time to visit her because of all your childcare duties? If you can afford school fees and nursery fees for an unknown number of grandchildren, and have house deposits set aside for your DDs, presumably money is not an issue. That is an enormous amount of money to have in reserve - especially when you live in a 3 bedroom house (which does sound rather unusual...)

The elephant in the room here is that OP can well afford to give DD2 a deposit for a home of her own, but doesn’t. We all do our best to support our children whatever their life choices. Helping DD2 with an unexpected teen pregnancy is one thing. Paying school fees, taking her on holiday and letting her take over OPs home is quite another. What do DD2s boyfriend’s parents think of all this? Where are they in the picture? It sounds like they don’t see their GC very often.

OPs DM is right to point out the unfairness of the situation. Thank goodness DD1 has her DGM.

It's probably old money, as op said the that dd2s grandparents would've paid for private education if she hadn't.

@IsItSnowing Today 09:54

such an excellent and insightful post 🌸

But what’s strange (as I’ve lived this!) is that DD2 will be adamant to her mother that DD1 is her golden-child! This strengthens DD2 position to pull her mother’s heart-strings to further get her needs met.

Completely awful behaviour.

This was me. And DH to an extent,he was always told he was "useless" when actually he's incredibly smart, very handy and very capable.

We both are very encouraging of DD with anything she does, and have both been told we're praising her too much. But when you watch your parents praise your siblings for the most basic of achievements while your work was just "expected" or dismissed, you want your own children to know you think they're absolutely amazing.

We're both also the more distant from our families. To protect ourselves and DD from this exact thing.

I’ve not read the whole thread sorry but I speak from experience. I am your DD1 and my sister is your DD2. I went to uni and have a good job and have always taken responsibility for my life. Never ever asked for help from my parents as I didn’t need to and so they didn’t offer. My sister is the complete opposite to me, has a rage against the world, hates me as I’m a ‘goody two shoes’, was constantly bailed out by my parents financially and otherwise.

I was the one who looked after my parents in their latter years and of course took on all the responsibility for their care and later their funerals. My sister did zero to contribute. I cleared my parents house out after they died and I found numerous letters bailing sister out of loans etc. Needless to say this really stung for me. We were treated differently and yes my parents were exasperated by my sister but she seemed to get things and bailed out while I was essentially left to my own devices. I was the dutiful daughter and she was essentially allowed to do what she wanted even though she gave no one anything back in return.

I haven’t spoken to my sister in years and have absolutely no desire to ever see her again. I know it’s hard but this could be the way your family is headed so might be an idea to reflect on where things are at and if / how things can be resolved and moved in a different direction.

Agree.

One of my friends, who has a proper victim complex, constantly calls me "lucky" because she thinks I have everything and it must have just fallen in my lap, right? Not a chance I've got what I have because I worked for it? Or that there might be an underlying feeling that nothing I do is good enough so I best work harder.

Hate "lucky" as a way to describe someone's circumstances. Yes there's always an element of luck but for most of us it's just sheer hard work .