The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

You are doing DD2 and your poor DGC no favours at all by not encouraging them to find their own feet and at least try to form a proper family unit with the children’s father. He’s obviously a bit of a waste of space or he wouldn’t have spent the last 4/5 years living 2 hours away from his child and seemingly not trying to address this at all, so I have my doubts that the relationship will work out, but they still need the chance to make a go of it. If it doesn’t work out, they will have to find a way to co-parent as adults. You’ve obviously got money to burn seeing as you can afford to pay for untold multiples of school fees, so why not substantially increase the deposit money that you have put aside to enable DD2 to buy a house right now. Obviously you can then increase the portion allotted to DD1 by the same amount to be fair. You’re rapidly running out of space in your current house anyway so it makes sense to address this sooner rather than later.

I imagine that DD1 is utterly frustrated with you all and has taken a step back. Once DD2 is out of the house I think you will find you have more time and space to devote to repairing your relationship with DD1.

Sounds like you don’t have to take anything away from DD2 to just acknowledge DD1 more. Call her more and ask about her life, praise her, send cards when something nice happens for her and make sure she knows you’re proud of her.

This happened in my family except it was one of my brothers who dropped out of education and started his family very young. We are 30 years on from this and one of my nieces has replicated the actions of her parents and so the cycle continues. It’s completely fractured our family and my mum still refuses to see how providing endless support to one of her children whilst simultaneously saying the other two don’t need it is the cause of this. The most interesting outcome is the people on the receiving end of all the help have zero interest in helping my mum now she’s in her 80s. They are all very selfish people who think the world owes them a living because all they have ever had is people helping them out. So not only was I the person who needed no help, I am now the person expected to provide all the support because I’m so capable. The family is outraged I am refusing to do this.

Where did you read DD1 had no support from her parents? Ops mum said they give dd2 too much support with the grandchild and not enough to dd1, we dont even know when this so called favoritism started and it doesn't mean its true .op herself hasnt described this to be the case either.

I am going to comment on the holidays.

i assume the holiday you take your younger daughter on includes your grandson and his dad? So a holiday very focused on children and probably not something your older daughter would enjoy.

i also assume you pay for everything on this holiday - including the non resident dad?

instead of inviting her to tag along on a holiday she clearly wouldn’t enjoy, why not offer a separate holiday that she would? A city break with her parents for example? Good food, theatre etc or a luxury adults only resort?

you can clearly afford it and it would be good for you too.

also - your grandson’s dad is a disgrace: he needs to step up and be a more involved dad.

Sounds like my mum and my sister (equivalent of your dd2). I am virtually no contact with my mum these days. When my mum gets to her old age, my sister can look after her. That's the least she can do considering everything my mum has done for her. She will be getting no support from me.

I find it very interesting that you seem to have a lot of money available to pay for child care, school fees etc for grandchildren, but not to buy a house big enough for your own children to visit.

@Allosie, your thread title is

"The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents have declared a favourite "..

What did you mean by this exactly?

Exactly the same in my case. Don't give in.

I don't think you need to move to a bigger house. However, I would question the get-out your DD2 and her BF have made about wanting to save more to 'live in the area.' I can't think of many places where the favoured town/village does not have cheaper alternatives within a thirty minute radius. They might not be quite so convenient but most young couples make compromises when they start out.

You are choosing to stop them making these independent steps. Indeed, by paying for private education, you are probably exerting control over their lives.

As loving parents, you can still offer support but perhaps realise that you are not doing the two young parents here any favours. As I said upthread, surely it is better for your grandchildren to grow up with both their parents.

it is also noticeable that you haven't said what your DP thinks about this. Do both of you feel the same way about the lack of contact with DD1.

You seem very keen for your DD2 to remain living with you rather than her stepping up and taking responsibility for her children herself.
You say she’s a fantastic mum, getting pregnant again doesn’t point to this conclusion, are you maybe wanting her to stay as you actually don’t she is a fantastic mum?

By “served us well” you mean you, DD2 and DGC. You really don’t see DD1 as part of your family, do you?

Sounds like you need to have a long talk with DD1. Maybe start by apologising if she feels sidelined and unsupported, tell her you are aware that for now you've had to support DD2 more but that doesn't mean you dont love her just as much. Explain how proud you are of her. Listen to what she has to tell you.

IME these feelings aren't about the material things, it's about the love that those material things represent. DD1 needs to feel she is loved and valued.

I'm the DD1 of my own family. Quite a common dynamic in narcissistic families for one child to be the golden child (DD2) and the independent, capable one to be invisible/ignored.

OP you need to take a long hard look at your parenting.

My thoughts too. As in, why invite dd1 on a holiday that already includes dd2 if they're not talking?

Obvs dd1 won't go.

Put your money where your mouth is and book a separate holiday for dd1.

Nasty dynamic, and subtle bullying.

Even though dd2 was bullied, she seems to have become the little bully herself.

Yes, YABU and I agree with your mother. I am also unclear what you actually want from this thread, as you dismiss anyone who holds a different point of view, including someone explaining what it was like to be 'DD1' in their own family. You then say you don't want anything to change. Well, there you have it. You made your choice - DD2 - years ago, so carry on. Just don't be surprised when people occasionally point out the impact of your choice.

Except this is what OP seems to expect from one of her daughters. I hope this is a windup thread. Sadly, it probably isn't.

also - your grandson’s dad is a disgrace: he needs to step up and be a more involved dad

I am now wondering how much of this is driven by the OP. The nursery and school fees would have more than covered a house deposit.

The fact the dad lives two hours away and visits once a week no doubt suits OP.
She gets to play mum to this little boy, and has in fact co-opted his life. I bet she chose the private school too.

No wonder she isn't in any hurry to see DD2 move out. Once this new baby comes along, there will be even less time, or consideration for DD1.

The set up is like this because OP is perfectly happy with the status quo. The post was made off the back of some home truths from her own DM. They stung, but I have noted nowhere has she expressed upset or frustration at DD2 being pregnant again. Plenty of negative comments for DD1's interests and social life though.

I agree. OP is so grudging about any of DD1's achievements but showers praise on DD2 for being a 'fantastic mum'. Most women could be fantastic mums with two grandparents on tap to help raise their child and no worries about money or having to get a job.

She does want change. It's just that she wants DD1 to fall in line and "be nice" to golden child who gets everything, without having to acknowledge the damage she's done to DD1 by not showing her she loves her equally. If she does.

My husband's siblings all had children but we did not. From the moment the children were born to present day, 25 odd years later, we have been routinely overlooked, ignored and treated completely differently to the siblings with children by my DH's parents. This includes monetary handouts. It was hurtful to begin with but we said nothing. No point. We just got on with our lives. I imagine DD1 will do the same.

OP, you’re an adult in your own right as well as their mother.

Sounds like you are incredibly wealthy in being able to provide private school fees for all your grandchildren who come along, plus house deposits, plus holidays. Both of your children are eye-wateringly privileged.

With that in mind I think it’s time you told your mum and both your daughters to butt out of your business and leave you to lead the life you want to live. Your daughters are adults and can sort out their own grievances or not – whatever suits them. You can tell your mum the same.

You’re all having internal and external battles with fairness when fairness doesn’t really exist and it never will. Your DD1 won the genetic lottery when it comes to social and career capital and it is what it is.

I would disagree with your DD2 being a ‘fantastic mum’. I actually think she’s been incredibly irresponsible and is also modelling dependent behaviour for her own children.

You seem to equate giving more to DD1 as taking from DD2.
You need to think about "giving" not as material things. Your DD1 is an adult. Treat her as such and met her emotionally where she is.

Also you seem to consider a reconciliation as including your DD2. They are both adults. You can't mediate between them. Your priority should be your and your husbands relationship with her.

But they have different needs because they made different choices. They didn’t randomly draw these circumstances. I’m DD1 in this situation, I work in a high stress high paid job to be able to afford a nice house and nice holidays. My sister has chosen a part time passion career that pays less than minimum wage, so my parents pay her rent and pay for her holidays.

It’s equitable support as she gets note because she “needs” more, but I’d bloody love to drop to a job that pays 10% of what I earn with half the hours, but I can’t without sacrificing my lifestyle as my parents can’t afford to subsidise us both.

Having two children while being entirely dependent on your parents is reckless behaviour and it’s not equitable to support those decisions and not give the equivalent time and money to your other child because they chose to make sensible decisions.

Without meaning to you've done a damn good job of alienating your older DD. Every thing your eldest has accomplished you put down to luck, not that she works hard and studied hard. You could buy a bigger house so she could stay but you don't want to, that really says a lot in comparison to how much time and money you give to your youngest.
When your DDs are older and have zero relationship no doubt you'll blame that on your older DD