The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

You might be happy, but what about your GC? Wouldn't they like to spend more time with their Dad?

It sounds like it’s all too late. You’ve not realised that DD1 has been learning to live without needing a Mum (or Dad). The visits are now just fulfilling polite social expectations. It’s only come to light as your own Mum has raised it.

I say this as someone who’s been through it, and 12 years later, there is no way to reverse it. Once it’s gone, it can’t be repaired

People can and do make the effort, even whilst abroad. She doesn’t make time for you at weekends or on her annual leave, not because of her friends or Italian boyfriend, but due to learning not to need you. She’s not been your priority and therefore you’ve taught her to make sure you’re not her priority. If she was, she’d make sure there was a regular slot in the calendar for you

I agree, I think the school fees are an empty promise and OP either hasn’t thought it through or is hoping / assuming that DD1 won’t need the extra financial help. She seems to be happy to wait for DD1 to come asking for help or attention but this is probably never going to happen. She needs to be more proactively addressing the imbalance between her daughters.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

DD1 isn't ever going to ask!

What struck me from your updates was that whilst DD2 has her whole family living with you DD1 has nowhere to stay if she comes. Plus she’d be staying in an 3 bed house with her sister, sister’s partner and 2 small kids. What a nightmare. And that 2 of your closest relatives think that DD2 is taking advantage.

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t have channelled some of the money you now appear to be spending on private school fees into maybe helping DD2 rent a place nearer her partner, or at least somewhere of her own near you? I do also wonder if she and her partner had been asked to stand on their own two feet she would have gone back to uni or into work rather than having a second child.

I think you and DD2 sound like you are heavily co-dependent and that this is doing neither of you any good. You’ve effectively sacrificed your relationship with your DD1 and your mum and she’s sacrificed her work/ career and I would not expect this is doing much for her own relationship.

I would strongly suggest putting in place arrangements where she has to stand on her own two feet once the new baby arrives- ideally with her partner. Of course you should still help but she should move out and think about how to become financially independent. Otherwise baby no 3 will be on its way and she’ll never get a job.

Does the boyfriend even pay proper maintenance?

And do you agree with DD2, crude language aside? You certainly don't seem proud enough of DD1's achievements yet you have put DD2 on some sort of pedestal because she's got pregnant twice with no means of supporting herself or her children.

You are obviously happy for DD1 to be completely pushed out of the family unit. This is obvious to your own mother who is much less old fashioned than you and who can see quite clearly how badly you are damaging your relationship with DD1 by pandering to DD2 and having such low expectations of her. The fact that DD1 hasn't had a baby doesn't make her less worthy of your love and care.

You are not taking any of the criticism from posters on board. You will lose, or possibly you have already lost DD1. You may live to regret this.

The short phonecalls dd1 make once a week are probably not because she's busy, its because unconsciously she doesn't like you. You weren't there for her, you didn't protect her, and you didn't welcome her. Its an emotionally dangerous terrain for her that she prefers to avoid.

Those on the periphery (granny & dd1's previous visiting boyfriends) see the shitshow for what it is.

Well I am the sister who is smarter, prettier, more popular, was my narcissistic father's pet as a child and just 'has an easier life'.

As a nearly fifty year old woman I have had to work through the vast resentment I feel towards my mother. I don't feel angry anymore but truthfully I don't feel close to her. Why was I punished just so the equilibrium could be maintained? Why did the adults think It was fair to put the burden of guilt on me?

It is still the case. My sister - rude, greedy, spoilt and entitled is pandered to while if any outsider compliments me on anything whatsoever my mother is the first to jump in and 'correct' them.

Personally I'm glad your DD1 has moved away and built her own life. She talk about her as if she didn't earn any of this stuff by her own hard work and discipline.

No, the OPs mum is advocating for DD1. Thank goodness for that!
If my grandparents hadn’t advocated for me, the neglect I endured as a child would’ve been far worse.
Also, DD1 can’t even stay at home now due to DD2’s expanding family so has to stay with her grandparents. Therefore, I think the grandmother has every right to speak out about the blatant injustice of the family dynamic.

He sounds like another immature man child living with his enabling parents and producing kids he has no intention or chance of fathering

To help you decide what to do you need to understand how your older daughter feels - talk to her and really listen. She might say some uncomfortable things (perhaps she feels ashamed or embarrassed by his sister), but try and understand her perspective. I think a lot of this isn’t necessarily doing anything different with older daughter (eg insisting on more visits) but changing how you understand and relate to her to try and improve the relationship.

You don’t want advice on this, but I will add I don’t think youre entirely helping DD2. I’m sure you want to help because you love her and you see her as vulnerable but in the long run, she needs to be supported to become independent of you, not least because our generation can’t guarantee being around forever. Having a 2nd child that couldn’t be supported independent of your help is not a good sign that she’s taking adult responsibility.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this.

It pains you to even mention how clever she is! Honestly @Allosie your contempt for your first daughter shines through. I hope one day she gets the family support she deserves. But it won't be from you.

A few weeks ago there was a thread by a woman who found that her parents had been subbing the younger sister’s lifestyle for years on the basis that the younger was less of a coper, “needed” it more and it was to “make things equal”. In that case secrecy was part of the issue, but many, many posters said they’d been stereotyped as the capable one who didn’t need help. In every case it was hugely corrosive of family relationships, even when done openly as OP does here.

It doesn’t “make things equal”. It enables one sibling to live an easy life shielded from the consequences of their decisions.

I can’t put it better than the poster who said: “It sounds like you have been cast in the role of the ‘capable’ sibling who can cope with stress and responsibilities while your DS is the one who ‘needs’ help. In your parents’ eyes this will be fair but of course it’s not.

I had a similar situation in my family. I was seen as the independent one who could handle things so I wasn’t given as much support. In reality, I was coping because I had to as the youngest in the family with older siblings who always needed help.

if it makes you feel any better it’s a common dynamic in families and it can cause a lot of conflict. My FIL doesn’t talk to his only sibling because she got so much more help from his father than he did and it caused huge resentment.”

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5466010-to-be-shocked-my-parents-treat-me-and-dsis-differently?reply=149472348&utm_campaign=reply&utm_medium=share

@Twiglets1. I agree

Seriously I can’t believe the delusion shown here. OP you refer very briefly to DD1’s ‘independence’ in the context of her ex killing himself when she was 20. Jesus.

Like you think this is something she will have got over in - what, 6 months? A year?

As someone who went through something very similar, let me assure you, this will have reverberations through her life for decades. Reverberations you are not interested in, that you don’t even see, because you’re so invested in DD2, whose very practical needs align more closely with your vision of motherhood, & so focused on sniping (yes, enviously) about DD1’s trips to Chamomix etc.

Meanwhile - while neglecting DD1, rather than engage with her as an independent person with needs - you have stunted & infantilised DD2. Of course she and her partner should be living together & should have been for years ! Yes the arrangements would be difficult - but has it not struck you that other young couples manage it? That they struggle and work to achieve it? That this is in fact what life as a parent is about? About being together and building a family with your kids? (And the family here is DD2 and her ‘partner’ and their children, not you and DD2 and her children.)

DD2 has been infantilised & DD1 neglected. The casual mention of suicide. Just unbelievable. The scars will be with her for decades (I’m in my 50s and still have them). You just don’t want to see them, because engaging with this kind of damage is really really hard work, & often distressing & unrewarding - far more difficult for a parent than helping out with grandkids.

And the hand waving away of sexualised name calling by DD2. Jesus. Infantilised & allowed to behave like this. Poor grandchildren. Their mother has been stunted into remaining a giant baby, coddled & petted - how will this play out for them in later life? When they need an adult mother, & don’t have one, because you wanted an eternal little girl?

I am DD1. Not actually (I’m not quite as impressive on paper), but the dynamic of my family is very very similar. I moved out of home when I was 17. I’m very independent and now in my late 30s have a great professional career and own a lovely home, have a wonderful partner and an even more wonderful young child.

My DS (late 20s) still lives at home. She doesn’t work (never has, consistently, and certainly hasn’t for a decade), isn’t pursuing any form of education or training and is completely pandered to my our parents. They enable her to the point it’s now looking quite likely she will never work and will be supported by our parents financially etc.

We are treated so differently it’s mind blowing. Whilst they pander to my sisters every whim I can’t remember the last time they bothered to drive the 1.5h to visit me (or their grandchild who is 4 and they have only met a handful of times). I’m not sure if they had a gun to their head if they could name my employer etc.

Whilst I sound angry typing this out I’m actually rather numb to it all now. I’ve drawn my own conclusions that they love her more because, behaviour is a language. I hear their behaviour loud and clear. I’ve actually decided to go low contact with them now (ironically it will probably take them a long time to realise as they put in so little effort with me anyway).

I will add for context that when I do speak to my parents they do say how proud they are of me and how much they love my child (but their words are not matched with their actions).

I have worked so incredibly hard and have done all the “right” things. Yet, like your DD1, I am forgotten about and ignored. My achievements barely acknowledged and I receive absolutely no support from my parents while my sister is looked after like an infant.

Kindly, you and your DH are the issue here. You are favouring your DD2. Just because DD1 is independent it doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to be treated the same as DD1. She may not need a roof over her head or childcare but when was the last time you booked tickets to the theatre for you and her (or something she enjoys, or booked a fab restaurant for an evening of celebrating one of her achievement? The cost of either these lovely things would be insignificant compared to childcare costs you pay for your DD2.

You say your aim is to be equitable but the support and time you give your children is as far from equitable as could be. Your DD1 has been rewarded and enabled.

To be clear, i think it’s wonderful your DD2 is pursuing a career in hairdressing if that’s her passion. This isn’t about career snobbery. I would be so happy and proud of my DS is she trained to be a hairdresser! What would piss me off is fan fare my parents would make in Comparison to the nonchalance towards me and my achievements.

Your DM is spot on and it’s brave of her to say the truth to you. I’d guess she and DD1 discuss it openly between them and your DM is very aware of the hurt you are causing DD1. Something has recently broke the camels back as they say and she could hold it in no longer.

Could you increase the deposit available to dd2 do she can move out and adjust you will to account for this? I feel that dd2 is just not taking responsibility for her decisions-she’s relying on you too much - and you know it’s too much when she has a second child under the same circumstances as the first.

Your decision to pay for a private primary school is bizarre in this situation. There are many excellent state primaries.

Far more important at this age is your grandchild developing a secure relationship with both his parents. At the moment GC hardly sees their dad. Plus your dd can't really step up and take the role of adult mum and decision maker in her child's life whilst living under your roof.

If you are going to give financial assistance to the family it would be far better for them to use it to set up their own home.

Do you not want her to leave?

I agree with this.

Also, just because younger dd chose a different life path, does not mean she is not hard working. Hairdressing is a respectable profession with a lot of skills going in.
Problem is grandmother causing dd1 to feel neglected because grandparents are helping with grandchild.

But op should make sure she shows interest in elder dad’s life, and once things are better between them, should encourage a relationship between siblings.

I'm not saying Op is a narc....but the adult children of narc's and dysfunctional parents very often don't get along.

Years of triangulation and favoritism cause too much resentment. Dysfunctional parents can't breed an atmosphere of unity, safety and fairness.

Unconsciously pitting children against each other is a crime. Your overindulgence & enabling of dd1 seems so toxic. I would want to run a mile from that.

Oh I feel this one...

Smashed my GCSEs...it was expected "because you're so bright and capable". Sister failed everything except one D and this was celebrated "because she finds it so hard".

Did well at uni and worked my way through it with one stable part time job. I did get a graduation meal, but nothing compared to the fuss made of sis when she got on a childcare apprenticeship (amazing work, love our nursery staff, gods work. Just would have been nice if the celebrations of our paths had been the same).

We got jobs. I went entry level and worked my way up pretty quickly, I'm now pretty senior, good salary, good flexibility. She bounced from retail to retail and finally settled in one retailer. My parents celebrate anything that happens for her, even if it's just the NMW rise. If anything happens for me I get "well done, look what sister did too (got given the NMW rise, or possibly got colleague of the month).

I don't need their finances the same as she does (and how I feel about that is a different story, because actually it feels like she's taking from their retirement), but just recognition that I've achieved something would be nice. Or recognition that they are as proud of me as they are of her.

This. She’s made terrible choices and pregnant again. Another bad decision. Not even living with the father and highest aim is to be a hairdresser and you supporting her financially. Everyone in your family sees it but you. I’m with your dm here and I think your dd1 feels the same.

Your DD2 has caused this by getting herself pregnant for a second time whilst already in the midst of taking advantage of your kindness (financially and with child-care). She’s shown how selfish she is and your DM, DD1 are rightly angry that your DD2 has no consideration for her parents and thinks it’s okay for her to do as she pleases.

YABU to think your mum is being harsh in this situation. She can see her own DD (you) being used and mugged off and she wants you to grow a back-bone and see the reality that’s slapping you in the face. The only way she can express this, without saying it, is to say your DD1 is being ignored, which is probably true as DD2 is all-consuming.

I've read the first page and OP's posts, and like the majority think the second daughter has been a bit daft having a second child when she's living at home, her boyfriend lives miles away, and her current child only sees his dad once a week.

And all the while, OP is facilitating this! Instead of talking about private school fees, if you must do something, give her money to make up a house deposit and get the two of them living in the same home with their children.

OP mentions that she will, of course, be happy to pay school fees when her eldest daughter has children - I very much doubt eldest daughter will ever need money from her parents as she seems to be doing extremely well in life, and will easily be able to afford fees herself.

Second daughter was immature and bratty to call her sister a slut, and the eldest was quite justified in her condom comment. What is the youngest daughter going to do now she's expecting another child? What's happened to her career as a hairdresser? When will she ever move out and live with her actual partner?

OP's mother was bang on the money with what she said.