The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

And of course dd2's relationship is entirely your business, you've made sure of that by enabling her to be so dependant on you.

I think you dont have much of a life outside dd2 and her kid/kids. Your relationship with your dh sounds very distant, he is never mentioned. He probably spent most of his life working to enable the money is no issue answers you are writing here. So you brought up the kids and did little else. Now dd1 has grown up and flew the nest and you are clinging onto dd2 and her babies to give your life meaning. And dd2 sounds a spoilt madam and is quite happy for mummy to take over her life.

Or maybe you are a nuclear scientist 🤔

But I doubt it.

You need to encourage DD2 to be independent or risk losing what's left of the relationship with DD1.
Im surprised DD2s boyfriend is happy only seeing his child every week or so?! And they are now having another?
She needs to move and live with him and be a normal family. Its important for the child to have a bond with their father surely?
Also I had 3 children from age 19 to 22, manged to live with my now husband and have a decent career, you do not need to pander to her so much.
DD1 should feel welcome at home but she doesnt which is why she doesnt make time to come home to you. You probably should have considered moving so she would have always had her own space.

And just to add from personal experience DD1 will feel incredibly uncomfortable around you and will see DD2 as the favourite. You spend every celebration together and have all of these memories and DD2 is clearly reliant on you which doesn't give space to DD1. I doubt she wants the relationship DD2 has but she wants to feel included at Christmas and that doesnt mean just one random meal together knowing she has to leave soon as her sister is coming back. Did you spend Christmas day all together? I assume not.

I feel sorry for a young woman who has clearly worked very hard and done very well without parental support. Even her Uni costs were paid by her grandparents. Having said that, she will do better in life than DD2 in the long time as she is used to working hard and taking responsibility for herself plus she has the advantage of loving grandparents.

I am DD1 in this senario and I can’t tell you how lonely it has been facing adulthood with no real parental support. You seem to mis understand what parenting adults and offering support should look like: you appear to be treating DD2 like a child and offering no support to DD1. In adulthood parental support doesn’t have to be babysitting, money and cohabitation. All I ever wanted was for my mum to come to a gallery with me, wander around ikea, listen to me talk about work or what I was reading. Instead all her bandwidth was dedicated to the sibling who couldn’t get themselves together enough to leave home. In DD1’s shoes, I would’ve felt so upset that I had no room in the family home and that it had been given to your grandchild. Young adults often boomerang home or need a landing space when times are tough and not having space for DD1 shows that you don’t prioritise her. I too had no space in the family home to return to and it really compounded my feelings of being alone in the world.

I also agree with other posters that you are enabling your grandson to grow up in a dysfunctional family set up, which seems to suit you. It’s not healthy.

I'm dd1 in my family, my parents said "well you never needed us" but I never had the chance to ask and the more they told me I had it all together the less I wanted to ask.

I don't go on family holidays because it's clear I'm only being asked because they think they should or it's more childcare. We have never had a holiday just us.

I think in truth my parents were intimidated by my "success" and felt I looked down on them when I just wanted to belong.

So you can afford private school fees but your house isn’t big enough for DD1 to stay? Something doesn’t add up here.
The favouritism towards DD2 is blatant. Good for her grandmother sticking up for her.

Your preference for DD2 is so blindingly obvious in this post. You prefer your current set up where you hardly ever see DD1 and you pamper and dote on DD2.

I assume that this dynamic was carried on since their childhood which is why DD1 chose to study in Paris and not somewhere in the UK which would be nearer to home.

You obviously don't care at all about alienating DD1 at the moment. Will you feel differently if she has a child with her Itlalian partner and you hardly ever see the baby?

I agree. I can’t believe this child is going to a private school! But doesn’t live with his own dad. I’ve never read anything like it.

DD2 should have stayed at home when her sister visited. Maybe they could try to make up one day but that won’t happen if she’s allowed to disappear

It didn’t suit op/they couldn’t be bothered to try and repair the relationship between children. The majority of this is op’s making. Where’s the girls dad in all this?

I think the winner in all this is dd1. She has figured her mother out and has left and made a great life for herself elsewhere. And she's got an astute gran who isn't scared to tell her daughter the truth, even though she'll know it falls on deaf ears.

I want to tell dd1, go for it girl and don't look back!

I think most "reasonable" Mums love all their children unreservedly, you do you best for all of them, struggle to help them all they can. I am sure you do what you can - your daughters have chosen their paths - and you will do what your older daughter needs when she needs it.
Be strong in your resolve, make sure your older daughter knows you will help her when she needs it and you ARE proud of her. Sending hugs. Who ever told us parenthood would be this hard (and our Mumsnet "friends" would be so critical)!??

I agree with this. It sounds like you favour your second daughter even though she’s been selfish and is taking advantage of you. Why are they making more children when they don’t even live together??!! You need to acknowledge that and talk to her about moving out and becoming independent. They should be getting married in a registry office and moving into a flat together. They should be modelling a solid family unit together, to their children. Otherwise the grandchildren will grow up doing the same thing! You’ll end up with great grandchildren living in your house in your old age. Get her to make plans to move out and ask her partner to support her as he should.

I don’t think you’ll wake up to the truth until the day she announces her 4th baby to an older and frazzled version of you. Your poor 1st daughter is definitely being overlooked and ignored. You should be making plans to see her often, especially on her birthday.

Edited as see it’s only 2 years they haven’t spoken

So not content with messing up your relationship between dds, now you’re alienating another generation from its parents.

You're not getting it are you, 15 bloody pages of people telling you you're favouring one child above the other and you are still saying what about this etc!

I am dd 1 and its fucking tiresome being the capable one whilst the other two get bloody pandered to and now their kids are being treated differently to mine!

You made your bed with your first child no wonder she doesn't want much to do with you

I completely agree with both your sentences. The OP doesn't want to hear it though. I guess she started the thread thinking that everyone would agree with her because every post shows a total lack of self reflection on her part.

Nah, she'll blame the distance on dd1.

And offering to pay school fees doesn't make up for what's happened over the years @Allosie.

When DD2 is asked to give up her room is that what they quarrel about? That she has given up her room to her sister? If so, what happens then? Do you point out that it’s a room in YOUR house and that it should be available to DD1 when she wants it or do you just let the argument rumble on with DD1 feeling pushed out?

You are lucky. Someone has pointed out the discrepancy and you have a chance to listen and change. My mum didn’t listen. She pandered to my sister for 20 years, expecting me to be happy to be treated as shite on my sister’s shoes, happy with the leftovers of her attention. Apparently she was scared she would lose my sister if she didn’t always jump to her tune. Didn’t occur to her that she’d lose me instead. I hung around for years, desperately hoping I’d eventually be treated fairly but it never happened. Haven’t seen mum for two years now and I’m sure she has no idea why. I tried to talk to her about it but to no avail. I just wish I’d given up sooner.

Is this what you want?

If DD1 asked to move home tomorrow what would you do/say?

I'm DD1 in our family and sister is DD2. Your parents are right and of course you have always been favouring DD2 - look at what you write: "She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2 /../ at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued." Maybe DD1 would have also wanted to feel loved and valued at home, by her parents?

My parents also refuse to recognise they have treated us any differently. Because what have I missed, they gave each what we needed etc etc. No they didn't. And like others have said, I simply stopped 'needing' things, as no help was coming. And whenever I pointed out really plain obvious favouritism, this was just denied, ignorred and shut down.
We both live abroad, I a lot closer. I think they have been here to visit me about 3 times in 10 years. They are at my sister's 3rd time this year. But of course there is always some reason why this is different.

Now, the good news is that my sister has actually done extremely well in life, despite also having a baby when she was 19. And we get along very well, mostly due to fact that she recognises the favouritism and tries to balance it herself. Like recently my parents wanted to give her a large gift, and it was my sister who suggested that they should give something similar to me. So that relationship is not lost, if your DD2 makes an effort.

your mother is stirring the pot
very unhelpful to give one dd money for her sister's birthday.
just awful

Yes, it certainly doesn’t sound as if she feels that she was thrown out of the nest too soon and left to survive on her own from an early age (particularly not as you gave her support emotionally when her boyfriend took his own life). It sounds as if now she is leading the life she wants to lead and is very happy with it, @Allosie. I think your mother should never have talked to you in this way and she sounds to me to be rather an unpleasant person - unless this actually is coming to you via your mother from your elder daughter, in which case, as @Anyahyacinth says much earlier in the thread, "A simple conversation with DD1 saying are we letting you down / are you ok? - “We love you” is all that’s needed to find a way through."

This is giving me pause for thought. As I said, i have 2 DC, one far better at adulting than the other. I try to treat them equally. Both have a room in my small house. DH is inclined to baby DD. I need to have a convo with him on that.

You couldn't possibly know that ops mum is correct. Just because someone tells you that you're doing something wrong, it doesn't mean its true. If you read the post you'd see that op says if it was the otner daughter shed do exactly the same. She has not 'rewarded her daughter 'by helping her. Shes just helping her. And whats moronic is your attitude , the only shameful person is you! If op thinks shes doing too much she wouldn't say her daughter is great mum but if there is an issue then op can still pull the reins but help out if she wants to.

Op, I wouldn't listen to others on this, if you actually feel your daughter is taking advantage of you then by all means you may want to wean her off the help and if you think you have ignored your other daughters accomplishments then make effort to correct this. Its also none of your mums business if you're going to help your daughter. You dont sound oblivious op, you can figure out for your.self what going on.

I was thinking this- particularly if this gets picked up by the Daily Wail!

@Allosie should perhaps have this thread to be removed and at least attempt to reflect on what some posters have said.