The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

Well yes there are lots of ‘ifs’ in the whole scenario - DD1 may never even have children, DD2 may end up having 5… the point is, OP has made a promise to pay for all potential future grandchildren’s school fees - and it’s only fair that if she pays for one she pays for them all. I just question whether she would actually be able to do so if/when it came to it. I mean, she lives in a small house that isn’t really adequate for the people living in it - if she had millions in cash or other assets sitting around going spare would she not be using that to buy a bigger house?

The first response sadly put a dispassionate tone to this thread, but each to their own!

My DD had a child at 18, she certainly isn’t a moron and OP, my DD is your 2 DDs rolled into 1.

She is now married with 2 children, highly educated and accomplished.

OP, DD2 needs to leave home and gain some independence. I have a friend whose DD lives at home with her DPs and her young DS, her parents aren’t doing her or their DGS any favours in this situation. She would be better off living independently, with her DPs support.

My DD lived in the family home for a couple of
years with her baby and then DH, myself, DD and her DB went of to the estate agents, put a deposit on a flat, bought some furniture and let them get on with it (with our support). The best thing you could do!

Those that say “how dare” OPs mother speak to her about the situation. Some DM and DD relationships are like that and do last the test of time, in that DM will have open and frank conversations with ADD. Not all DM, DD relationships are built on this concept of “your an adult now, your DM has no right to speak to you” as I see is endemic on MN. It is a relationship and I am so happy that my DD values and seeks my input. OPs first post did not suggest she was affronted by her DM speaking to her. The pain she expressed was the situation of the relationships of four women.

Encouraging DD2 to gain more independence might be a positive first step, opening up space
for DD1 to enter.

Against popular opinion, I think your DM was right to speak to you. Take her advice on board.

Having said that, you'll probably always have a gap with your first daughter as she will of course form a life where she is central and clearly she's not at all in yours.

Every update makes it even clearer who your favourite is.

Your daughter got pregnant as a teenager, I'd have done exactly as you did. However, you have made life far to easy for her. Having another child in her circumstances is foolhardy at best, manipulative is more likely.

I feel heart sorry for your DD1.

DD2 is not being treated like an adult by you. You are cushioning her from her life choices and enabling her.

two kids whilst still living at home with you is a piss take and I say that as someone who was chucked out at 16 because she was pregnant.

time she grew up and stood on her own two feet

You are absolutely favouring your DD2 @Allosie and you know it. You have done this to the exclusion of DD1. There is no space for her, either literally or metaphorically. I think the damage is done and it's so obvious that you don't want to face it. I'm especially upset by posters asking 'yes but what support does DD1 need or is she asking for?'. This is an attempt to shift responsibility for the dynamic created by the parents onto DD1, who has had literally no choice but to be resourceful, independent and self-contained. What more do you think you could do? Where is your H in all of this?

I think you have an unhealthy relationship with DD2 and you're actually not helping her at all to be an autonomous adult. You have taught her to be dependent on you and she's very comfortable with the relentless taking. As she lives in your home and her and DGC take up all of your practical and emotional space, if you want to look at this (not at all clear that you actually do though), I would suggest therapy. I suspect you're actually just seeking validation that your favouritism is okay. If your mum is normally someone whose thoughts and opinions you respect, then she's probably just pointing out the blindingly obvious that you refuse to look at. Your favouritism has pushed out your DD1. She isn't coming back into the busom of the family even if you do make changes. I guess this is the result of lifelong favouritism and prioritising of DD2. One day you won't be there to support your dependent child. Do you feel that you have prepared her to live as an adult in the world?

How is it good that DD2 is pregnant again by a man that even doesn't live with her despite being her partner for years and father of a 4 year old child? How is good that she is pregnant again when she doesn't work and the child is completely and parents are both supported by their own parents, ie still behaving like children themselves?

Ok. Moving on. I think what OP should do is put a deposit on a flat for DD 2 and encourage her to move into with it with boyfriend.
Encourage better contraception.
Maybe still provide some childcare but not all the time. Ask the dads GPs for help.
Go on an arty Paris trip with DD 1.

It‘s more that spending is driven by DD2 - she needs this now, let’s quickly promise to do exactly the same for DD1 who may never need it. To pretend it’s fair.

Fairer would be to see what DD1 actually needs. And it may well not be financial.

Well said...

Mum, you seemed to have completely aligned yourself with dd2. You are defending her to the hilt. It seems like a cosy alliance. Dd2 has taken over the family home. Entitled and a recipe for disaster.

You are acting innocent but you enabled this.

No wonder dd1 is resentful. What a horrible dynamic.

You're not being fair to your dd2 or your grandchildren. Its obvious you're keeping them comfortable at home as if they were to move out it would likely be 2 hours away from you where their dad lives.

Dd1 probably just sees it as the shitshow that it is.

What did you balancing the fact that DD1 received more external praise than DD2 look like? Did this mean that you played down and didn't really acknowedge DD1's achievements but massively bigged up anything DD2 did? Did you show DD2 more love and affection than her sister?

You obviously value DD2 more than DD1 because DD2 has given birth to your grandchildren. It all sounds quite regressive.

What would you be taking from DD2 if you actually changed the way you parent and put some effort into your relationship with DD1? Don't you think DD2 has been given enough in the balance, being housed, fully supported financially, having her child cared for, all his nursery and now even private school fees paid? You seem to even resent your DD1 having some tiny scraps of your time and attention despite the massive imbalance.
You keep saying that DD1 doesn't ask for anything. Is there some kind of odd dynamic where you only support the child that's struggling, that begs you for help because if makes you feel important? Why does your DD1 need to ask fior anything to receive parental support?

She also received a lot more external praise so we did to an extent have to balance that at home with DD2. DD1 was forever being told how intelligent, beautiful, talented and mature she was (rightly so), so at home we had to make sure DD2 also felt loved and valued.

I think this is is very important. DD2 received more family validation because of DD1 having more external validation. DD1 probably feels unsupported by her family. External validation is meaningless in comparison. DD1 has done everything "right" and yet you pander to her sister.

How can Dd2 relationship be none of you business when you are funding her life and her children?

she has no understanding of reality? I would say with one child in hairdressers training at home fine. She’s pregnant again? But not yet ready to move out, that is not the behaviour of responsible parents.

she will struggle if she moves as she has no idea of what managing her own life is. I’m sure neither is perfect, but it’s very much you two and Dd2 with dd1 on the outside looking in.

and from your description you attempted to make up for Dd2 struggles by giving her lots of praise but assumed dd1 was fine because she got it from others. Praise and acknowledgment from strangers will be the same as recognition from your own parents. Especially when she saw dd2 getting it

It sounds like not only are you happy playing granny, you also like having dd2 be so reliant on you. Its clear money isn't a factor and as you said you have a deposit ready for dd2 to get her own place. But you dont want that so you aren't encouraging that. You like having one dd so reliant on you for everything and you've pushed the dd who isn't reliant on you away.

I think you need to ask yourself who the problem is here.

So you never bothered to find out the details of this big row between your two DDs? It sounds to me as if you have definitely heard DD2's version as you are able to quote what DD1 said but apparently don't even know what word your golden child used to insult DD1. Whatever the case, a decent parent should at least try to build bridges instead of making things much, much worse.

Exactly. I think Granny @Allosie is enjoying this warped dynamic. Frankly, you are fortunate to have a mother who has the courage to point out your mistakes. Sadly, you are still ignoring her.

I agree with all of this.

DD2 should have been encouraged to do things that were praise-worthy, like her sister. Not just given compensation praise for nothing

I think maybe some posters are being a bit unfair OP.
I am DD1 in your experience (despite being younger) my sister had kids young and our parents provided a lot of support.
I’d say I almost accepted it, knew I was bottom of the priority list and it was ok.
I had therapy, and my therapist said something very interesting - which may help.

when our kids grow up, we as parents transition from being the sole decision maker, parent-child relationship but to more an equal relationship. Your kids are adults and they make their own choices and you offer advice as needed but very surface level. However, you (along with my parents) have a situation where you have one child who still wants/needs you to parent them the way you probably did when they were younger. And you have your other child who doesn’t really need much. So ultimately your attention defaults to who needs you more, which is your DD2.

when I had a conversations with my parents about how I felt; I’d always be told “when you have kids we’ll treat them the same”… however I didn’t have kids so I really didn’t understand.

I have had kids now, so I do understand my parents choices better now. But I must stress, I didn’t understand it until I had these kids. I felt for a number of years very sidelined, but never raised it more than once.

my advice to you would be to see DD1 more. I know your DGC are your pride and joy (rightfully so) but maybe be conscious about those conversations with DD1. Concentrate entirely on her. Book dates to see her, more than twice a year and build your own “thing” to have together. That doesn’t include DD2 and DGC. I know you may respond and say “we try but she’s so busy” that would have been what my parents would have said, but truth be told I couldn’t be bothered to see them much because it would just be about sibling and grand kids - it would make me feel worse seeing them.

I think your mother may have had some insight from DD1 and how she feels which may be why she’s said those things.

I don’t think you need to have a conversation with DD1 I think you need to put more effort in, even if it feels unwanted. I’m coming on this date and we’re doing this. When you’re down I’ve booked us this. You need to build your own relationship with DD1, you may feel you have one but her actions show you don’t (short phone calls, 3 visits a year)

Ah we have a family unit like this in our relatives. It's so disheartening to watch. It's not fair on either sibling. The one left to it will always feel they're not prioritised, cared for and thought of in the same way as the needy one.

In my experience the one in need of help is actually encouraged to stay this way as it's fulfilling a need in the parent to always be helping and providing and "caring" in an overt way. My relative like this never learned to be a fully responsible adult long term. The sense of disconnect and resentment from the one that's left "independent and capable" is palpable and it makes me view the parent and the enabled sibling with less respect tbh.

In your home at the moment there are grandchildren taking up their old bedroom, sibling living rent free and the kids being privately educated. Sibling and grandchildren are taking a LOT of your house space, finances, energy, etc. While older one is being left to it. What if older one doesn't ever want kids? Or has kids when you have passed?

Do you truly not see how this is an skewed situation very much in favour of one of your children??

Have you ever apologised to your eldest and asked if they'd like more of anything from you?

I don’t usually comment on topics such as these but the above posters are correct.

As someone similar to your DD1 I can understand why your daughter feels this way. My parents have constantly enabled my sister, supporting her in a lifestyle she couldn’t afford and now, in her 40’s, my mother is still doing it. Her partner (father of my nephew) saw my parents as a cash cow as they would never allow my nephew to be homeless or without food. When they split up, he refused to move out unless my parents paid him off as he said he should be entitled to the inheritance my sister would eventually get. I did everything right, living within my means, going without and weeks of eating baked beans and noodles when I didn’t have much money. The disparity of your treatment of your DD’s does breed resentment- I know I’m in the minimum amount of contact necessary with my mum and sister now and it looks like your DD1 does the same as she makes herself as busy as possible which means she doesn’t have time to visit you.

OP - plenty of posters have told you that you are being unreasonable but you keep justifying your actions. You are not doing your DD2 any favours by allowing her a lifestyle she cannot afford on the career she has chosen - you are infantilising her. Her partner will also eventually see you a cash cow and your DD1 has noticed this - you repeatedly say she’s very intelligent.
By all means, support your DD2 with help for nursery fees while she is training, but consider asking her to move to live with her partner and his parents so that they can live together as a family and he has a chance to be a father. She needs a chance to see the reality of life, rather than the safe cocoon you are providing.

You should also have a think about what you are getting from encouraging your daughter to stay at home and not live her life - are you scared of an empty nest, does it make you feel good to be wanted seeing as your DD1 was independent? Things to consider rather than your justification why everything you’re doing is ok and your DD1 is the one being unreasonable.

Yes. Head in the sand. Or an element of guilt or denial in not actually finding out what they argument was about because unconsciously, mum caused this rift by previous enabling and favouritism.

You've lost your older daughter OP, and don't act as though she choose to leave because you pushed her out.

You and dd2 seem very clique-y.