The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I completely agree with this. You are favouring your youngest daughter. I would imagine that your eldest daughter would have been quite accepting of the need to help her younger sister when she had a baby in a less than ideal situation but I can see why she would be feeling resentful when her sister chooses to have another child and is going to get even more help (time, attention and money). Your mum has done you a favour by pointing out how your eldest must be feeling. Find a space for your eldest to stay when she comes home (the youngest and her children can stay with her partner’s family), take her on a holiday separately, take an interest in her life and make sure you are putting equal amounts of money in a saving account for her that you are spending on your youngest and her children.

Don’t assume that she who makes the most noise is most in need.

It's not good that dd2 is pregnant again before being established in her own home with her partner.

Dd2 and her waster "partner" are deliberately choosing to have another child when they aren't even earning enough to rent a place together.

I partly think it's because op has encouraged dd2 to stay because she gives her a wealthy lifestyle, and doesn't want dd2 to live somewhere cheap that she can afford.

Op, can't you see that it's better for your grandchildren to grow up in their own home with both parents, living within their means, rather than this dysfunctional setup.

The grandchildren basically going to private school and all luxuries paid for by grandparents, while the grandparents encourage the parents to maintain an underclass lifestyle. It's so messed up.

Edit to add - and you are doing all this basically so you can have those toddler cuddles everyday. It's not in the best interests of the children. It is selfish. Those kids will grow up being so confused and ashamed of their parents, among their private school peers

I guess the question is, if she’s about to have a second child, why hasn’t DD2 set up home with her partner and children? I’m also guessing she has the luxury of retraining as a hair stylist because she has the financial cushion (and childcare) you provide. If I were DD1, to be honest, I might feel aggrieved at that too.

Wonder if having DD2 and your grandson living at home meets an emotional need for you? At 23, with a child and another on the way, assuming the relationship with her partner, is safe and stable, DD2 should be making her own way in life by now. As she’s chosen to have another child, she needs to live by the consequences of that (good or bad) and not rely on the security blanket that mum and dad offer. Just my take!

The best thing to do is to talk to DD1. Really talk to her and ask her how she feels. Then listen to whatever she has to say. If it turns out there is resentment /jealousy there , don’t become defensive , just apologise and promise to do better and then do just that. Also, check in regularly, is she ok, does she need anything etc , don’t just assume.

It’s the usual thing where the competent one basically gets ignored.

your Dd2 is so comfortable she is pregnant AGAIN when she still lives at home hasn’t finished her training and isn’t properly established as a parent without massive scaffolding from you two.

She has no idea what it is to stand on her own two feet. And is making decisions
and based on that.

how much effort do you put into your relationship with dd1, do you go and visit regularly? Or ask how she is feeling if she needs anything, or do you just assume the is always ok.

I wouldn’t say that many of the comments on here are “snobby”. They are highlighting the fact that DD2 is making decisions that highly impact her parents without thinking. Why does she believe it’s ok to get pregnant again, while living at home and being supported financially? I understand that they are supporting one grandchild but another without consultation? I’d be very annoyed if it was my children. Money isn’t everything as you say, but you need to support yourself in the decisions that you make and not live on the expectation that someone will foot the bill.

You DD2 is effectively being rewarded for her actions. Lots of people aren’t academic and have a horrible time in school. It feels like you’re almost writing her off as never being able to achieve anything.

You need to take a firm step back and let DD2 support herself whatever that looks like.

And then you need to get out to Paris, and start taking an interest in your DD1. What does she enjoy, be interested in her and her interests. Recognise the imbalance and then start to build a relationship with her.

I agree with all of this. What will happen is that DD1 will grow increasingly distant from her parents and they probably won't see her future kids much at all.

DD2 will never learn to be truly independent because she's been coddled and insulated so much from the consequences of her own choices and never allowed to grow. Once OP passes away she will be a mess because she's never learnt how to problem solve herself or cope with life.

@Allosie
I can also understand why you and your DH enjoy having your DGS living with you. But have you thought what is going to be best for DGS moving forward? Will he need his dad more involved? What is the plan to ensure this? I imagine as he gets older, his need to have a father figure around will be more important.

Instead of paying private school fees, why not give DD2 a deposit for a house or support her with rent for a bit as she settles into standing up on her own 2 feet?

You can then be there is person for both your DDs as well as helping DD2 and her children in a more future proof way.

You say your DD1 doesn’t “need” anything… everyone needs their parents for something! Her needs aren’t as obvious to you as you see her as independent and you are blinded by the needs of the daughter right in front of you.

If DD1 had everything she needed from you she wouldn’t be upset… you are quite clearly failing her.

You can carry on as you are, no-one can stop you, but it will have consequences and you have to live with that or support your daughters more equally.

Get to know your DD1, find out what she needs and what her “independence” is hiding … and be thankful she has a grandparent looking out for her.

"How DD works out her relationship isn’t my business." What?! It is when you're supporting the children of said relationship. It seems like you don't actually want DD2 to be independent of you or your grandchildren to have a normal relationship with their father.

In a few years op will be the posting asking why dd1 has stopped contacting them when they’ve left more to dd2 in the will as she needs it more

Agree with this! Find out what DD1 actually wants/needs from you to make sure there is no resentment that might appear soon or at a later date (maybe subtlety follow up with what she says in a WhatsApp/email so you can refer to it in years to come in case she forgets!). Pretty sure she doesn’t want to live you just to balance things out 😂

Your children are different with different needs and you have adapted to that. Equity versus equality.
So surprised how rigid people’s responses and the judgement on here.

It sounds banal, but when niece 1 was living with my parents, she emptied an expensive bottle of foundation on one of my visits. I could only afford 2 bottles a year. Not her fault (it was young curiosity), but there was no recognition of what this might mean to me or even apology. Grandchild came first.

My DF would give her my stuff still stored there to play with, including a collectible she broke. Not her fault, but again no apology or recognition from the adults in the situation. DSis and I were both early 20s.

Don‘t push out DD1 because you now have GCs.

Yeah it's actually op who is snobby, I think.

Op doesn't want her grandchildren brought up within the means of a single mum hairdresser. She doesn't want them to move out to Dagenham, she wants them to stay in Hampstead with her (insert Brighton equivalent areas) and go to private school etc.

She won't let her dd2 take that path and be proudly self-sufficient, she'd rather enable this dysfunctional setup.

Why on earth are you paying school fees? At the primary stage in the UK it's generally quite unnecessary. Wouldn't it be better for your younger daughter to put that money towards savings for a deposit?

How often do you go to visit your older daughter?

I think there is only 1 "moron" on here and it's not ops dd 😂

If this is true you are massively oversharing, both of your daughters would be very identifiable to anybody who knew them or your family situation on here. You’ve included their ages, where they live (Brighton & Paris), your older DD’s hobbies (tennis, piano, chess), DD1’s Italian boyfriend, fact nephew is privately educated. Was there any need to include very very identifying information such as your DD’s ex taking his life?

Either you’re making up lots of unnecessary superfluous information to the point this thread is basically more lies than truth or you’re being truthful in the details so that anybody who knows your family or your DD’s, especially DD1, will be able to identify them from this thread. You might think no one they know will read Mumsnet but threads do end up being shared on other social media sites and even news sites. Sharing this much information is a huge invasion of their privacy.

So forgetting dd2 for now... How often to you see and speak to dd1? When did you last visit her and take her out for dinner etc? Have you shown care to her? Or are you stuck babysitting?

Good point. I would also caution that I have seen posts from MN on Facebook.

Well you didn't just cushion your daughter but also your grandchild, surely that's reason enough to do it.

This.
OP, you are punishing DD1 for being talented and sorted in her life while rewarding DD2 for being reckless. DD2 gets to stay for free, you do the childcare, pay nursery and school fees while DD1 doesn't even get to stay at your home. Clearly you don't like DD1 at all.

I also think you need to speak with DD1.

I am also independent and as PP has said its because I have no other choice. My brother has his first child at 19, he did move out though. He now has 4, lives in our old family home, rents from my dad on the cheap. Hes told me he hasnt paid rent in ages and nothing is said. He makes more money than me in a trade but my family subsidise him. When I used to visit my grandma it was all about my brother.

We recieved nearly 100k from a trust fund as my mum died when we were young. He wasted his. I bought a house (with a mortgage). I have no family help. Can't get help to fix something that both my dad and brother can do from their trade so will probably end up paying someone to do this.

I see the difference, so I distanced myself. Which looks like this is what your daughter is doing. Its easier mentally to this than to feel hurt all the time about how youre lesser to your sibling

I’ve read through the OPs other posts now and you’ve hit the nail on the head.

That’s interesting. I get the vibe that the younger daughter is stuck in a ‘poor me’ rut, probably hasn’t understood how much hard work led to her sister’s success and is jealous and resentful of her. To me, it seems like the younger daughter is the one who expects more of everyone’s time/love/support/money.

I don’t approve of all of Gran’s comments but I’d say she has picked up on which child is getting the raw deal.