The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I'm surprised at the responses. Mumsnet has become a mean place in some ways. Keyboard warriors.

I think your mother is being unreasonable. She sounds like she's got too much time on her hands.

Families come in all shapes and sizes.

Good for dd1 for doing so well. She sounds enviably successful. Good that dd2 has had a healthy baby and is pregnant again. May it all go well for her.

People are different.

they’d both been drinking and DD1 told DD2 how many men she’d slept with, DD2 called her a name and DD1 replied something like “at least I didn’t have a kid at 19, maybe you’re just not smart enough to know what a condom is”

Inexcusable behavior on both their parts. Were they allowed to speak to each other so spitefully when they were younger?

I asked this before, does your grandchild have a relationship with his paternal grandparents.
Does he ever stay there with his father?

I think a 4 year old with a sibling on the way needs more time with his father. He certainly needs that more than private school at 4.

I wonder why you are not more supportive of your DD forming her own family unit?

If I was giving financial assistance that would be my priority.

This is the way. An honest open conversation with dd1 is all that’s required.
except I’d do it as a weekend with her alone, not a phone call.
Explain your dilemma honestly. Ask what she would do in your shoes, and take her answer seriously. Get curious about what it is like for her. Spend a whole day listening before saying more. Do something nice together in the evening. Sleep on it, then have another conversation the second day. Give her lots of hugs and tell her how much you love and appreciate her.

'they’d both been drinking and DD1 told DD2 how many men she’d slept with, DD2 called her a name and DD1 replied something like “at least I didn’t have a kid at 19, maybe you’re just not smart enough to know what a condom is”'

Lol. They're both right in a way 😂

@Allosie there are posters here who have stated that they have been DD1 and it has really affected them. They have said that their mum acknowledging the damage and apologising would go a long way to healing the rift. THIS is what you are not listening to. Also acknowledge that you are enabling DD2 by not allowing her to live the impact her life choices have made. She’s needs to become an independent grown woman responsible for her child. As does the dad.

You obviously come from a monied background and your posts only seem to mention the financial imbalance. It’s not just about money.

You say you treat them equally but all of your posts are full of how much DD2 needs you, was hard done by, how you needed to make up for what others said about her sister. For DD1 this will all have felt like DD2 is the favoured child. Do you ever invite DD1 on holiday with out her sister and kid? Your relationship with DD2 will be closer than with DD1 but it doesn’t sound like you make an effort to do what DD1 likes or spend time with just her. I can imagine DD1 wouldn’t ask for help even if she needed it as it would be obvious you were resenting having to let DD2 down

I've only read op's comments so this has probably already been said.

Op has no desire for dd2 to get set up with her own household.

Op, you are creating a dysfunctional upbringing for your grandson by enabling his mother and father to be helpless wasters.

Stop enabling it for the grandchildren's sake, even if you won't do it for your daughters' sakes.

Your DGC are going to private school - how many of their classmates do you think will have a single mum on an income too low to house them and a waster dad who seemingly only visits to get her pregnant again...?

He's 4, it won't be long before he understands how far this is from normal among his peers and he starts to feel ashamed of his parents being so useless. Don't enable it any longer

Nothing mean about encouraging your children to only have babies they can support and rear on their own. I will die on this hill.

Babying your DC is doing them no favours. I say that as someone who has housed both DC rent free and will for as long as they need it.

That’s all very nice and all, but OP wants help in resolving a deepening family divide. How will patting both DDs on the head bring them both together?

Well that’s vile, isn’t it? And from someone who has two kids she can’t support herself and needs parental help.

I think your mum sounds awful and clearly she has a favourite, the eldest who in her eyes is the best. She wants you to leave the youngest child to struggle because she’s her least favourite child and doesn’t live her life as granny aspires.

different children need different support and yes you would do the same for DD1. Who knows what the future holds, DD1 may need more support than DD2 long term. The important thing is to maintain good communication with DD1 and ensure she feels well loved and accepted.

what are DD2s long term plans? They are young, staying with parents for a few years and saving cash is likely the best way to save for a house deposit.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in what you’re doing for your DD2 however your lacking in support for your DD1.

It does sound like she’s been speaking to her grandparent. I would phone her and ask if she’s okay, if there’s anything more you can be doing for her or that your missing (your second daughter doesn’t necessarily need to come into the conversation). Mention how much you love her and miss her.
You’ve also said how busy she is and that it’s hard to see her. Try harder, make it clear to her how much you want to see her. Plan a visit to Paris.

Your daughters don’t speak and I can’t imagine how hard that is for you. However your first daughter can’t stay at her family home because your second daughter lives there (I know this is a choice but it’s also a fact for her). There is nothing wrong with your other daughter living there however it will create a feeling of choice and resentment for your first daughter (no matter how independent and okay she is), you need to try and bridge that and make her feel loved, wanted and as if you would give her what you give your second daughter if needed. She won’t know that because you haven’t needed to give her it.

Simply give her more time and attention as you could loose her. Make it clear you’re proud of her and want to see her (her choosing to stay at her grandparents when she comes home instead of your home speaks volumes, it’s not because of space. She’s uncomfortable in your home).

Because it's not OPs responsibility?! People, siblings, mothers will do what they do. She can't control it all.

All of the OP's updates very much suggest that her youngest daughter is the favoured child. I'm not sure what the point of this AIBU is. The OP is clearly comfortable with the dynamic, believes she is right in her course of action. She's uninterested in doing anything other than justifying her reasons for having a favourite.

DD2 having a second child whilst still living with her parents is really irresponsible. Another long pause in yet another study programme. DD2 needs to move out with her boyfriend.

DD2 is clearly the favourite child and I’m not surprised DD1 has very low contact with you and her sister. I’m on your mum’s side and I’m a similar age to your daughters.

So you've asked for advice OP, what's the plan going forward?

Die away. I think OP is doing what she can where she can.

Come on....
She got pregnant a SECOND time. The dad comes over to shag her once a week....

She has no job... shes a child half raising children....

@Allosie

If she stays in mainland Europe, will private school even be an option?

We‘re considering private for DS at secondary. In our country, It‘ll cost €360 a month. Child benefit is €260 and the fees are semi-deductible from tax. Bit different from the UK, I believe.

Without getting derailed into an education debate: rather than spending on DD2 first and claiming to reserve the same money for DD1, although she may never need it, what does DD1 need now to thrive? And this may not be financial.

It’s very clear you favour your second child OP.

Why else would you be enabling this easy life for her?

She’s 23 for goodness sake, pregnant with a second child and you’re just allowing her to take advantage of you? It is totally mind blowing that you can’t see this.

You need to tell her that she need to take some accountability for her actions and start living an independent life with her ‘partner’ and their children. She needs to grow up and take some responsibility for herself instead of relying on you to deal with the outcomes of her poor decisions.

Good that dd2 has had a healthy baby and is pregnant again. May it all go well for her.

Why is it good that she is pregnant again? Neither she nor the father are providing for these children.

You might be surprised, but I am always surprised with posters on here who see nothing wrong with people having children they can't actually afford. It is such an odd attitude to have.

Some families like to support each other in more ways than saying 'do it all alone.'

Oof, I feel for DD1. Her own sister called her a slag after she shared something personal?? How charming. DD2 comes across as a brat in your posts, OP, yet you clearly favour her in all the ways that count.

It sounds like life at home / in the family revolves around DD2 and her son - there’s literally no place for DD1, and when she did come home she was bitched at by her sister for not cooing over the baby more. Of course she’d rather be elsewhere - I would be too in her shoes.

You’re enabling some pretty questionable life choices by DD2 imo - her children’s father acting like a casual boyfriend rather than a parent, having a second child in the same situation. Why wouldn’t you want your DGC to live with their father - why doesn’t DD2 want this? I don’t see any mention of what your DH or DD2’s boyfriend think.

Of course your mother can express an opinion - it just isn’t an opinion you want to hear because it doesn’t align with your own views.

I would really struggle with my DD having a child at 19 with no job or home, second pregnancy would have me really questioning what was going wrong here - I would be utterly furious with my dd for screwing up twice and I think that being a good parent is about having the mean to provide a stable and secure life for my children - not relying on my parent to provide the security.
Your older dd has done very well for herself and I can see why your whole focus and energy goes to the dd who is weak and vulnerable - but your behaviour may encouraging that dd to take the easy path and not take full responsibility for her choices.
There's always a child who needs a bit more support but I think you need to be more aware of that and the impact it's having on your older dd. As for your mother intervening - I think you need a wake up call, don't lose your older dd to your devotion to your younger dd, that would awful for you and her.