The family divide seems to be growing, even my parents declared a favourite

[Allosie]

I have 2 adult Dads, DD1 is 25 and DD is
23, same dad, their father and are still together.

My eldest DD is incredibly intelligent, it would
be unfair on her to not acknowledge this. She has a degree from a top European university, is trilingual, a masters from a top UK university, inhales books on the daily. She has chosen a career that pays relatively well but has a real human element to it which matters to her, she’s incredibly values driven and I’m very proud of her.

My youngest DD had a child at 19, at the end of her first year of uni, she has opted not to return to uni and is now training to become a hair stylist. She also recently told us she is pregnant again, same partner as her first child but they don’t live together. He stays here about once a week or so. Shes passionate about hairdressing, a fantastic mum and much more family oriented than her sister.

My 2 daughters haven’t spoken in over 2 years, they never really got on very well as teens and it seems adulthood has finalist the gulf between. There doesn’t appear to be any hard feelings, simply nothing in common. DD2 feels DD1 is too abstract, pretentious and intellectually snobby. DD1 feels DD2 is dull, unambitious and taking advantage of us.

They had a lot of issues as teenagers as DD2 was desperate for her big sister to like her and DD1 was mostly uninterested. This sparked jealously in DD2 as she felt her sister was more intelligent, more loved and more attractive.

We provide significantly more support to DD2, she still lives at home with our grandson, we help financially and with childcare. We would do the same for DD1 but she is much more independent and self-sufficient.

Today I went to see my parents alone for a change, my mum took this as an opportunity to tell me she feels we treat DD1 unfairly, she is ignored, her accomplishments are overshadowed by our new role as grandparents etc. My mum also feels we are making DD2s life too easy, she feels we have cushioned her from the consequences of having a child young and even rewarded her with our time and money. This quickly turned into my mum going on a ramble about how much better DD1 is, in intelligence, values and even getting down to looks and the type of men she is interested in.

I did defend DD2 as I felt my mum was being extremely unfair and harsh on DD2. I’ve never felt her choices were the smartest but I also believe that unless real harm is done my role as a parent is to be equitable in my support of my children. I give both of them exactly what they need and for now DD2 needs more. She also lives with us while DD1 lives far away.

My mum concluded saying she was fed up of our “pandering” to DD2 and for her birthday this year she is travelling to spend it with DD1 and we should perhaps give her some space until we realise our mistakes. Effectively she believes we have backed ourselves into a corner where we will inevitably have to support DD2 for a long time while DD1 who is doing everything “right” is ignored.

AIBU to feel my mum is being incredibly harsh and to wonder how we ever recover our family when it seems everyone is taking sides?

I think also DD1 is thinking 'How come they can go away for regular kiddy holidays with sister and Gcs but can't motivate themselves to come to see me in Paris a bit more often'. (Sure, she gets invited, but that's just a sop and she will be the spare wheel)

I agree with others that the likely outcome is that DD1 will estrange herself from her family (except her own grandparents) entirely before long and the OP still won't have a clue what happened and her and her DH's role in it.

So you doubled down on the idea that DD2 should blame DD1 for being bullied about her looks? How was that DD1’s fault exactly? Why did you allow that to fracture their relationship as teenagers? Why didn’t you work with DD2 to help her build more resilience rather than swooping in every time she had an issue?

It’s starting to sound like their fractured relationship has in your favour OP: you get to have a happy little family life with your DD2 and grandchildren and someone else has taken DD1 off your hands.

What “name” did DD2 call DD1? Because you seem to either only remember or are only willing to say what DD1 said to DD2 in that argument - again, minimising DD2’s behaviour.

The thing is though, one day DD2 will HAVE to be independent. And she won't know how to be, if they don't support her to become independent now.

I'm speaking from experience. My sister is mid 30s and cannot do much for herself. She is still relying on my parents. And when they're gone, who do you think the responsibility for her will fall on? And if I don't carry that on, there'll be guilt (even if I'm not actually obliged to) that she's now struggling.

Coddling one child so they aren't independent only causes problems. Resentment and obligation for the other, and the inability to live independently for the coddled.

Yes with every post she's trying to justify it, I feel sorry for DD1....

Have you told DD1 about your promise to pay all grandchildren’s school fees? If both DDs have 2 children each, you’ll be looking at a total spend in excess of £1.3M. You live in a small 3 bedroom house so it would be understandable if DD1 thought all the inheritance was being used up on DD2 and her children, especially with all the other expenditure on them, and there will be none left for her when the time comes. I just wonder whether there might be some degree of resentment from DD1 over the amount of time and money you devote to DD2. Just because their circumstances are different doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive to make things fair between them.

DD1 isn’t asking for anything?
Do you want your DD to come and ask you for your time and understanding? Agree with others who say the comments from your mother probably reflect how DD1 feels! Does this not tell you she is asking for more? Her reluctance for to make time to see you in France will have been contributed to by you reluctance to make space for her in your life in the UK. Maybe when you’re grandson was first born?

This may be harsh, but you also have responsibility in allowing the estrangement between your two daughters fester. You need to actively address this, but instead - as you say in your next post, you’re quite happy with the status quo.

How are you going to facilitate your DD1’s children visiting? Or are you going to be a stranger to them too? Paying school fees will not be a basis of a relationship.

@Allosie
My mil would probably say my DH is independent and "successful" and isn't jealous / isnt bothered and would also minimise the easily notable inequality in treatment.

His therapist who has had for several years would tell you differently as would I.

Your Dd1 has distanced herself and is totally independent from you and has literally built a life in another country for a reason. Dhs case is bad but significantly less skewed than yours and the anger I feel towards MIL with regards to this is difficult to explain.

Your DD2 is taking the absolute piss getting pregnant again.
Are you actually paying private school fees????
From 4?
For 2 children to 18 with inflating you are looking at 600k-1m. That ignores everything else. Free food, utilises, free travel, clothes sundries, the cost savings of rent / adhoc babysitting/ actual childcare

You say you are in a 3 bed... so are there going to be 5 of you forever or will you be buying her a house in 4 years because she "needs" one.

Parents have enabled dd2 to have another child without even living with her partner because they are such pushovers. I bet that never would have happened if she actually had to stand on her own two feet a little

Lol, i could have written this about myself. Elder sister sponging off parents, using them for childcare etc and i just get ignored. My mother used to say its because she needs more. In the end, i distanced myself from all of them. I do love my parents and we have a relarionship bit we arent close. My mother has realised and is trying now, but its too little too late really.

The more you post, the more it seems you dislike DD1.
I think occurences over the years have lead to this.

You probably wanted her to be supportive of DD2 when DD1 was repeatedly told how wonderful she was by outsiders and you may have wanted her to support her younger sister when the bullying went on in school. I get it.

You were rooting for the underdog.

You were probably heartbroken when DD2 got pregnant at 19yrs because you knew it may cause a permanent gap between their achievements. So you worked hard to support DD2. I guess DD1 making jabs at DD2 only deepened the hurt.

I wonder if DD1 has a more cold personality and DD2 a more warm personality which aligns with yours?

There are a lot of dynamics at play here. Until you can see how past events have lead you to favouring DD2, you may end up losing DD1 completely.

Would you care, though?

I think one of the biggest red flags for me is that you don't want DD2 to live independently

Another red flag is that you're so focused on finances and telling us that DD1 will get the same money as DD2. But what about love, care, compassion, time ? You say DD1 is busy. She's learned to be busy because there's nothing from home for her , because all your time and love is given to DD2

i think the first thing to do would be to have a honest heart to heart with your eldest and find out if her Grandmother’s views and opinions are indeed hers alone or your daughter has said she feels she has been treated unfairly, because you may be tying yourself up in knots trying to fix something that isn’t actually broken
Your children have nothing in common and if they weren’t siblings they wouldn’t even move in the same circles, there is no reason for them to reach out to each other/spend time purely because they are related by blood.
My sons are very different and one definitely finds life easier, I tell all of mine that treats/time/money have to be relevant to them specifically not equal. There would be no point in me trying to treat them all equally, because they are all different and need different things.
They should have the treats that are relevant to them, there would be no point buying one of them expensive football boots because he doesn’t play, however the other does a full day cookery course occasionally.
The money spent on each thing is not equal, the time spent isn’t the same but each is equally pleased with the relevance of their gift.
One thing that did stand out is that you said you think your older one pities the other one, which does make her sound pretentious. Yes her sisters life choices are very different to hers but she’s saving for house, training for a career (hair stylist) and has a supportive partner, you willingly help, I don’t think she should be pitied.

I mean, we can all make up various scenarios that are totally different to the one being discussed and ask how people would respond to them. I don't see how that helps the OP though.

I believe it was something like slut/slag but it felt crude to say.

I am baffled that you think how your DD 2 conducts her relationship is ' none of your business' . I mean, what? Are you reallly that happy with her going on having children with an absent and feckless dad? She could have 4 by the time she is 25. Have you never discussed this?

As this thread has gone on, it’s clear that OP is completely satisfied with the way things are and actively doesn’t want DD2 to move out and be independent. Whether it’s the allure of grandchildren, the preference for DD2 or something more personal to her, such as a desire to be needed or codependent, who would know.

I no longer feel sorry for DD1, I think she’s got the right idea. She’s out of this situation, she’s independent, educated, employed, has extended family as emotional support and it sounds like she has made her own support network with friends and boyfriend. She will be ok. I can’t see her ever being close to her parents or sister, even once she marries and possibly has her own children, but that surely can’t come as a surprise to OP.

I do feel a bit sorry for DD2 - she has been stunted and has got herself into a situation where she will always be somewhat dependent on her parents. Her children are growing up in a split home, only seeing daddy once a week. The chances of the relationship lasting when/if they ever move in together are low, considering the father has never had to be a full time parent and the mother has never parented without her own two parents supporting and easing her way. This won’t be a smooth transition.

I find it hard to believe you are living in a modest 3 bed house but claim you can afford school fees for multiple grandchildren. I suspect you are just saying you'd help DD1 the same way because right now she has no children and there aren't any on the horizon.

If DD2's first child is now school. Age she's had bloody years to get back on her feet and move out to be an adult and she should be living with the father of her children.

You might like your grandson and her living with you but it is much more important that this child lives with his mother and father, you as grandparents are less important than his father and should be encouraging her to be moving in with him in whatever way is possible.

She absolutely should not have got herself pregnant again in this situation and it shows how complacent she is with her situation and how little responsibility she is taking - she knows mum and dad will bail her out as usual.

And yet you were happy to treat exactly what DD1 said word for word? When actually, she was making a factual point against her sister’s slur. She didn’t call her names, she merely pointed out that she at least knows how to use contraception. Do you not see the difference? And the difference in your approach and reaction to it?

You say you didn't get involved in the bickering, but you know the likely insult DD2 threw, and you quote the exact insult DD1 threw about the condom.

You should have torn a strip off DD2 for throwing about such a misogynistic word and you should have stepped down hard on both and told them they don't have to like each other, but they need to be respectful.

But you clearly see DD1 as being in the wrong don't you?

OP states she has visited dd1 with her partner alone twice in the last year. If that’s typical for them then there is one on one time dd1 gets with her parents which I agree is important and should be encouraged as much as dd1 wants.i don’t see how the rift between the sisters can be solved without (well quite frankly therapy at this stage) the sisters being encouraged to see each other. It’s been 2 years !

I really hope that you are able to reflect carefully and honestly on what people see on this thread so clearly. It seems you have alot of reflection and repair to do.

The best thing for your grandson is not school fees it is an active involved relationship with his father. They should be living together. They cannot afford to live where you live, you shouldn't be facilitating it at the expense of them living with the child(rens) father. You have replaced the father's role and have created a situation where it is not encouraged as essential to the family, I wonder if he feels as pushed out as your DD1. Supporting a pregnant 19 year old is one thing, four years later another kid on the way and prioritising living somewhere they can't afford to be near you over a child seeing their Dad more than once a week, come on now. Your situation would make sense if your daughter was a single mum which it doesn't appear she is. You should listen to your Mum.

Nailed it about the bickering!

It is interesting how this is described as two-way.

The behaviour of the two (as described by OP herself!) is in no way comparable. One is poor, childish behaviour and the other isn’t. And yet OP equates them!

Imagine being so thoroughly pushed out of the nest, barely getting to see you parents, and then the time you do come back, this precious little time you have, you are criticised for talking about yourself and not focusing enough on DD2’s child.

Ask yourself why you expect DD1 to centre DD2 in her visit OP and you’ll have your answer about who your favourite is.

DD2 should have vacated her room without comment and been as welcoming as possible to DD1.

I expect op just put her head in the sand for years when dds argued and the gap between them increased

OP, you have said nothing about how you feel regarding this second pregnancy.

Honestly, the favouritism drips from every post.

I suspect you relate far more to DD2 and DD1 has always felt this. I imagine that she felt like an outsider for more years than you realise.

I also suspect the reason you struggle to lock down dates with her, is because she doesn't much want to see you.

The trauma of having her ex commit suicide when she was just 20, must have been life defining. Yet here you are banging on about bickering and also glossing over what a brat DD2 sounds. The fact she called her sister a slut/slag, really says a lot about her character too.

But you keep forking out for her life choices.. defending and supporting what is, a very dysfunctional set-up. Does your grandson even know his father?