School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

I’ve had two dc and 1 is finished primary school…the other has two years left. I have never had a night out with any school mums or dc’s friends mums. A cup of tea at best on one occasion I think when they were about 4.

You said you’ve already got enough friends and school is just for education…so why do you care?

My DD started school in September and DH is out with the school dads right now.

If you want in, then you have to make an effort and start hosting play dates where the parent comes along.

You have to put effort in if you want to make friends!

Invite a friend and parent to your house for a play date making it clear you and the parent can have a cuppa whilst they play? Then get to know the mum, if you hit it off you can do it again and, eventually, become friends.

Just go up to the Mum you want to speak to "oh Hi, are you Dolly's mum? My daughter is Sarah - she talks about Dolly all the time - it sounds like they're great friends. Hows Dolly enjoying reception?"

Literally just like that, dont feel awkward, just go in with confidence. They're only people.

sorry I wasn’t clear, my daughter is year 5 (aged nearly 9)

Just go over and introduce yourself, as long as their not knee deep in animated conversation, maybe follow up by asking a question about a school trip/play/assembly etc. I’ve started fresh a few times and its always daunting, but generally people are always polite, kind and willing to have a chat.

You don't have to make friends, but I would encourage playdates. Playdates aren't for you to make friends, they're for your child. I didn't make friends in the village we live in. Lots of people are from here and had school friends, cousins, etc. already so didn't want new friends. Then there's a big sports club which my kids didn't want to attend so that is another main social part of the village. We're not drinkers so we're not down the pub. But my daughter has lots of friends as I made the effort to do playdates, etc. I know lots of parents to make chit chat with and say hello to, but nothing deeper - if you're not in the pub or at the sport events it seems impossible. I honestly don't know how to go further with this group so I have given up. My oldest is in secondary school in a nearby town and it's not even a thing to know the other parents and make friends. So I'm focussing on making friends through my own interests and hobbies.

It just depends on who you get in the class really. If you aren't that bothered then I wouldn't over think the issue now.

I do wonder about playdates though. It's a bit unusual to me that you have never had one. We generally started playdates by inviting the parents too, and then just the child once we knew them a bit better. However my DD is 9 and was invited to one playdate at the end of Reception, when COVID had meant very little interaction and socialising. I stayed for about 30 mins and then headed off. Could you either invite a child and parent or invite 2-3 girls together, when parents might feel a bit more relaxed about it?

We moved to a new village part way through year one for my eldest. I am not an extrovert so I worked hard to get to know people. I chatted to people while waiting for school shoes to open, I went to the baby group in the village, I went to the general village meet up, I went to the park after school on sunny days when I knew other parents would be there. I even volunteered in the village shop for a bit. Friends didn't happen instantly, but they did come with time.

It kind of sounds like you've made no effort, and gone, "Well you look mean and I didn't want to be friends with you anyway."

I know it's hard, but I don't know why you expect other people to make an effort when you yourself won't?

You sound so much like me, trying to convince yourself that's it's ok and you're not hurt. I did and still do the same thing,but now my kids are older and its more work do's and not being invited to them. I'll bet you're a introvert like me too. I think sometimes you just need to put yourself out there. Maybe ask one of the other parents if they fancy meeting in the park and your two kids play together in school? Start small. Life is tough as an introvert. I would gravitate to others who also seemed like me

You sound pretty ambivalent, to be honest. You say you don’t want any more friends, and you don’t think socialising is an important part of your DD’s school experience - but at the same time it doesn’t feel right to you that you don’t have more social contact with school mums.

You say you need to know people’s parents before you’ll let your child have play dates with them, but you don’t invite anyone over for play dates, or make an effort to chat to any of the other parents.

Seems as though you’ve painted yourself into a corner, and probably seem quite stand-offish.

Why not get in touch with the parents of some of the children your DD likes, and organise a low stakes park trip or something?

I wonder whether instead of a play date you could mention to the parents about a group day to the cinema or if there’s any of them you particularly would like to get to know better maybe mention to them you’re thinking of taking your child to the cinema to watch xyz film , would her and child’s friend like to come along and go for McDonald’s afterwards ? I’m sure the girls would like it ! I imagine that would be better than a play date , do an activity with your kids together and get to know them.

Surely your dd has a best friend or two by now? You just invite them for a play date. Then you chat to the parent on collection/drop off.

I think if you’re in year 5 that ship has sailed really.

I just didn’t bother as I am an introvert.

I don't have time for the school mum drama. On the rare occasions I can actually pick my children up, I do just that, pick them up and make small talk if I have to. However, I have always hosted playdates/parties as that is for my children and I want them to be able to have friends over and be invited to parties/playdates.

You have to make some effort - if you know the parent of your DDs friends then just ask if they would like to come and play on Saturday. You don't have to be friends, I'm not and I honestly couldn't care less, I don't have enough time to see my actual friends let alone host people I probably don't like.

She got stuck right in and you didn’t.

I was very shy in my playground days so I wasn’t in the outgoing crowd either but school events, parties and such got me talking to a few mums. When my DC’s made a new friends their mums would get to know me to chat to casually through organising play dates their DC’s had asked for.

I do think it would be weird to suddenly go up and start joining in but if you want more interaction from now on make sure to chat and be friendly when it’s natural to.

I'm so sick of women calling established groups of friends a "click" (it's clique).

Go and make friends if you want to. Say hello and make small talk, find common ground. It's not difficult to do.

I’d somehow missed that DD was 9 years old. Does she have friends? If you don’t let her have play dates because you don’t know the parents, and in 5 years you haven’t tried to get to know any of the parents sufficiently for her to have play dates, I should think she might feel quite isolated, unless she’s doing tons of activities and sports where she sees other children.

What effort have you made to get to know the other school mums? I find there’s a lot of posts similar to yours where the OP is waiting to be included rather than make any effort themselves.

Different schools and different years all have a different dynamic of mums. My kids have been at 3 schools. First one was mildly social and I chatted with a couple of mums. Second one was immensely social and I was invited to tons of things all the time without even trying. Third school is complete unsocial, and only brief nods in the playground. I am slightly chatty with one mum but that’s only because my husband is her boss’s boss at work and she feels the need to be nice I think!

Have you tried inviting the DC for play dates? Most of my conversations with school Mums of my eldest have been at pick up from playdates. I've always let DC go as long as nothing seems too 'off' with the parents.

I was never part of a clique during my dcs elementary years. I was very social and talked to everyone though because I was always around (sahm) and I wanted my children to have playdates. You are probably overthinking @MarleneH . Just walk up to someone your dc wants to invite mum and ask if her dc is free for a playdate. It's just that simple.

Do you have a class WhatsApp group? Suggest a trip to the pub if so.

I work full time and have never done the school run, but have still got friendly with a few mums for each of my children through birthday parties. I always made a point of getting to know parents there otherwise i wouldn’t have known anyone. Have you never been to or hosted any birthday parties in nearly 6 years? You could start by hosting a birthday party, or just have a few friends over and invite the mums to stay for a cuppa! It really is that simple!