School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

Oh sorry! You did actually say Yr 5 in your post - I've just been dense and missed that part! Its not you, its me!

Either way- just bob up and ask if she'd like to take the girls to the park together for an hour one afternoon?

I will talk to anyone and definitely not in any cliches per se. Who is yours child’s best friends, work on them first. If your child is friends then the play date will more likely go well and they will want to do it again.

Honestly it’s as simply as saying hi your x mums, my daughter is always talking about her and was asking if we can set up a play date maybe at x soft play.

I think most of the time people overthink what others are thinking when mainly people are quite self absorbed and don’t spend hours thinking about others.

You don’t have time for your current friends. So I don’t really understand why you want more? I drop DS off at school as the whistle goes to go in. And then pick up at the time he comes out. I’m barely chit chat to anyone which is great!!

I think it’s difficult by the time they’re 9, not that many parents still pick up because of work (and our school allows kids to walk home unsupervised from yr 5, not sure how common that is) So the supervised play dates advice won’t work either if they’re at a point where they’re making their own friends now.
I think your best bet is to try to start conversations with the parents who still pick up. Just smile and say hello, it doesn’t need much more than that. It’ll all change once they get to secondary anyway.

Just move on and forget about it. If you haven’t managed to make friends in the last 5 years it’s clearly not going to happen and if you barely have time to see your existing friends then just prioritise that and stop worrying about these women. I find it odd you won’t do playdates though and that’s a shame for your DD. So what if the mums are only acquaintances? DD is 9 or 10 presumably not 4 so do you really need to know them well??

This seems to have been triggered by your sister becoming a school mum there and having a different experience to you. You say you’re not really bothered and your child has 18 months left of primary as it is, I don’t really see the point if you’ve been happy and fine until now.

This is me too, I wish there was a little club of us at school! I don't know why but I feel a bit intimidated at school pick up

She’s year 5. You don’t need to know the parents for play dates. I feel for your kid, she’s never had any play dates with her class mates? No sleepovers? What about parties? I find this so weird. I’m not friendly with my year 5 child’s class parents. But I wouldn’t ruin her school life by not allowing her to have friends

This. Have you never thrown a birthday party for her?

If you haven't made friends or hosted any playdates by Y5, it's probably not going to happen. You do have to put yourself out there though, you can't wait for people who already know each other to just invite you to join their group.

So your child has been in that school for 5 years, roughly 18 in a class, probably the same children through the years, so the same mums waiting with you for drop off and collection, it seems really odd that you haven't built up enough of a connection (I wouldn't call it friendship) in all that time so as not to make it awkward standing there without talking. If the others chat away to one another and you keep yourself to yourself, you probably come across as standoffish. If you want to join in with them, stand close by them and start off smiling at them and nodding in agreement with what they're saying, then joining in, it would make things far more pleasant for you than standing on the periphery staying silent. It doesn't mean you have to be friends out of school, but it makes school time more pleasant if you can at least exchange pleasantries with one another. If the children want to meet out of school, it helps to at least be on speaking terms with the other mums.

Sorry, off topic (or sort of around the topic) but if she’s in Year 5 is she not 9 already and turning 10? Kids are 9 and 10 in Year 5 aren’t they, not 8 at the start of Year 5?

I was the easily fitting in school mum with my first child, but with my second I find it really hard. I just don’t gel easily with any of the parents from her class. She’s had a few play dates but it doesn’t come easily like it did with my first. I think it’s a combination of dc2 having more social struggles/ me not finding common ground with the mums and just pure luck as to the parent/child combos dc1 landed with compared to dc2.

I don't really understand why you would expect mums to be friendly to you when you clearly 'aren't bothered'. Why should they do all the running?

I don't really want school mum friends either, but I play nice , make small talk, go to the odd event, to support DS' friendships and make sure we offer playdates etc. I think you're just going to have to start being friendly for your daughter

Be honest…

Do you want to be friends with these ladies because they sound fun and seem like they will be good friends to you?

OR

Do you want to be friends with these ladies because you feel like it’s “the thing to do” and because your sister has “school mum friends”.

If it’s the second option, then don’t bother.

Can we stop calling a group of female friends talking ‘a clique’ please? There is no other time that a group of friends chatting is called a negative term, other than females at the school gate. Do you call the blokes chatting whilst they watch their kids play football a clique for example?

anyway, I can’t relate as none of this was the experience for me of primary school. Both my dds had play dates a few times each week from reception through to 6. And I’m still friends 10 years on with all the mums I met at the gates.

I can’t even remember how it would have started but I’m friendly, so I probably just started chatting to people I stood next to.

As you say, you have friends. It's not a you problem, it's probably not a them problem either. There's just no one you've clicked with and that's okay.

I find it comes first from the kids. Your DC makes a friend at school, you speak to that friends parent and ask if they want a play date. The first time the parent might come too. Then they'll invite yours over, you might chat at pick up, and it goes from there. That being said, I only have acquaintances at DC school not friends, but i have made friends with a mum from one of DCs weekend hobbies.

You’re being silly, it’s normal to allow a school age child to go to their friend’s house even if you don’t know the parents that well. It’s a 2 hour play date, not a week away in Ibiza. Just say to your DD, why don’t you invite a friend back after school one day or on a Saturday afternoon.

If there is a WhatsApp group, put in there oh does anyone fancy going for a drink in a few weeks (maybe suggest nearer February half term or Easter as money is tight for some in January) and see if you can get any takers for the pub.

You won’t get close to everyone but you may get past the school gate pleasantries if you make the effort. I am friends with several school mums but I’ve made the effort from day 1.

They’re assholes ignore them. Too important to say hi to the plebes as they see them. You’re better than them.

Did you even read the op?

Could you explain why a group of friends chatting are arseholes please? And as the op didn’t say hi to them either, does that make her an arsehole then, too important to say hi to plebs? (Note op, it doesn’t, I’m just challenging this strange response)

Agreed. It really doesn't sound like these women have done anything wrong!

nobody ever really reached out to me

This is telling OP, did you ever reach out to them? It sounds like instead of making any effort from your side you just made a snap judgement about the type of people these women are.

Your post reads like you genuinely weren't bothered until your sister started making friends with other school mums. In your shoes I would concentrate on prioritising existing friendships.

Oh in year 5, why even bother. You have a year and bit left then she’ll be in secondary and you won’t know a single parent. Playground politics are a nightmare, I never got involved.