School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

Join the PTA, get involved with school events, have a party for DD and get talking there, invite friends over etc. Don't feel bad if there's no-one you really hit it off with, but it's nice to build up at least a network of acquaintances or a little community who can help one another out from time to time. I'm not sure why you haven't done this before now tbh.

As your DD is half way through Year 5, you are almost at the secondary school years. In about 18 months time, you will never be in that "playground" situation ever again.

Is there no class WhatsApp group? No class rep? If you still want to try and get to know the other parents, perhaps you could try the classic "which secondary are you planning to apply for?" approach.

Has your DD never been to a birthday party or play date the whole time she's been at the school?

I'm in a similar boat OP, except I know it's me. I'm not someone who acts at ease around people I don't know well and the older I've got the less I've been able to hide/control it. I also have never been able to host playdates and although I've always been honest about why (genuine simple reason that can't be worked around) it always seems a lot of the time people will only do a playdate if you'll do it back. I know 100% it's not my DD! Unfortunately she's got a mum who can't act like a normal person with strangers. I struggle to look at people, I don't make eye contact, I don't read other people's body language or pick up on them changing subjects etc. I have never made friends easily though and have just come to accept it now.
Not saying that it is you, just that your not the only parent so please don't feel you are. There will be many in your playground who also stand there politely but not friendly for lots of reasons.

So has your 10 year old never been on any play date? You said you didn’t know the parents well enough to let her go on her own?? But she is not a small child. She is heading towards secondary school. Does she go to friends houses? Do they come to yours?

That year group was a bit tough initially - they started during covid and we all had to wear masks and stand 2m apart at pick up. Which made interaction harder. Many knew each other already, we joined mid reception.

I don't have any very close friends among my year 5 daughters year group (although i do have a couple in my year 2 daughters group). But am friendly with all her friends mums and dads to extent that we arrange lots of playdates, holiday meet ups etc - we wouldn't socialise without the girls but can happily chat whilst they are playing.

There is no need to be tight friends with your child's friends parents. But there is a need to have a 'functional friendship' so you can facilitate their activities, arrange playdates, parties etc, otherwise your child misses out. I'm super antisocial, but I forced myself to make effort for my daughters sake.

Do yourself a big favour and keep it this way. Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for managing to keep yourself politely on the outskirts.

I don't believe in school gate cliques. What posters usually mean is they haven't made an effort and the other parents have made friends with each other. As normal people do.

The mean girl energy is palpable.

Ok. Can you explain why when OP says she hasn't been bothered for years, the other mums should bother with her? Does effort only go one way?
And why is a group of women called a clique, when a group of men isn't?

The question is, why bother now? We're already a term into your child's penultimate year, it's gone a bit beyond parents coming along to playdates at this stage, I'd say that opportunity has gone.

I don't really belong to a school mum 'clique' (sorry, also hate that term) I know a fair few to say hello to and make small talk, but I only do school pick-up once a week, so haven't had the time or iclination to develop many friendships. To me it's the equivalent to bumping into a colleague in the kitchen at work and exhnaging pleasantries. I had a little group from our kids' hobby, but that drifted after a few years when some of the kids left or preferred other children. Most friendships are circumstantial. Very soon, the whole landscape will change with senior school.

You don't need to have intense school gate friendships. But it doesn't hurt to be pleasant, say hello, ask after family, arrange playdates and so on.

So has your 10 year old never been on any play date? You said you didn’t know the parents well enough to let her go on her own?? But she is not a small child. She is heading towards secondary school. Does she go to friends houses? Do they come to yours?

Yes this. "Not knowing someone well enough to bring your child to their home" is a very bizarre assumption to make. Unless there are many families who you know are involved in drugs, crime and other things that would make a playdate and actual safekeeping risk, it seems unfair to judge other parents before you've even had a single playdate.

One of the most interesting aspects of school is that you get to see how other families live. Some might run their home very differently to how you do it, but it's fascinating to see how the kids are valued and appreciated. Once in a while you may visit a family that just give off weird vibes or their home doesn't feel safe. So you just avoid them in future...it's vanishingly unlikely that something will happen to a child during their very first time at someone's home.

What is your child like socially?
Mine isn't a social butterfly- she keeps herself to herself other than usually having one key friend.I think that makes a difference as kids often lead the parents in asking for playdates etc.

I am sociable and friendly but not outgoing especially in groups.

We have 3/4 Individual school parents who we meet up with away from the school gates but only one I would class as a 'friend' the others it is just meetups/playdates with the kids.

If you have lots of other friends i'm sure it's not you...school mums can be funny.
I've had my fair share of issues with some being very hot and cold/offish for no good reason, and sure many would say the same.

I have 5 kids and have been at the primary school gates for 11 years. I actively try to stand back and keep clear these days, because its a tale as old as time. The cast changes, but the roles stay the same.

What evidence do you have that these women are arseholes? You’re projecting and you sound unhinged.

OP, you’ve never bothered to make the effort with these other mums and you say you already have friends you don’t have time for so does it really matter?

This. By year 5 they know what they’re doing and don’t need mums to intervene

My y6 sorts her own play dates & meets at the park etc. I do know the friends mums well & we all keep ah eye on them. I message their mums when I need childcare, eg a 7:30am drop off, and they do the same to me.

If you are happy with that situation, that's fine. But you can't argue that no one makes the effort if you don't.

These things go both ways.

I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure what you really want here. You say you have enough friends, not enough time and you’re not really bothered about making a connection with the school mums. Is it just that’s it’s something you think you should do , brought forward by your sister’s interactions?

As long as your DD is happy, has a social circle , friends etc., leave it be if it’s not something you actually want.

I voted yabu because your dd started in COVID times, when no doubt there were still restrictions /lockdown in the January of 2021, etc. you got off to a shaky start socially because of social distancing/lockdowns, and the mums with older DC would've naturally gravitated, while going through lockdown 2020 with their older ones. Your experience of starting school with DD would've been very different to that of your nephew starting.
I have a few mum friends, but am not part of a clique, so tend to stand by myself at the gate anyway tbh!

they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me.

And you never reached out to them.

"they're all stood round in their clique..."

No, they are standing there chatting with their friends.

For 14 years I had at least one child at our local primary school. I bumped into fellow parents at local clubs, music centre, youth groups. We had loose connections across age groups but we all knew each other well enough for a "Hi, how's your day?" chat at each end of the day. This is not a clique. This is adults being friends.

This. By Y5, the kids don't really have playdates, and definitely not with parents in tow. They just go to each other's houses or to the park after school.

Are you really saying your child has had zero playdates in all this time because you didn't know the parents? That's crazy. During reception, my DS had plenty of different kids round. Most parents didn't stay; we'd chatted at school gates, sniffed each other's metaphorical bottoms, established trust and so on.

Exactly. Just people being normal.

Then why hasn't OP done that? Why is it everyone else's responsibility to make friends with a complete stranger who makes no effort?

Mean girls and clicks and all this nonsense...grow up.

I thought you meant age 5 when you said the thing about not knowing the parents yet and I thought well just invite one over with their child. That’s totally understandable.

But year 5?! Surely you must have been to plenty of parties over the years and met them all then?! Or invited your child’s friends over already? Or just let her go alone if you’ve been stood by these people in playground, school plays and parties for 5 years!