School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

@TenderChicken I love people like you, who make an effort.😊

Oh my goodness absolutely not a sleepover at 9 years of age with strangers. That’s asking for trouble!! What an irresponsible thing to say.

The fact they are 'strangers' after 6 YEARS is a very sad indictment of the situation isn't it?

Your poor child-this is on you.

Sorry, not read all the threads, but quite possible that the other mums and children already knew each other before they started school, from nursery, playgroups or even antenatal classes - that is where I met friends and didn't really make many new ones at primary school. There is often a tendency to not bother to get to know anybody new if you already have friends there.

I think with a year 5 child I would be a worried if they didn't have their own close group of friends for play dates etc. my school mum friends have happend naturally through DD's friendships. I haven't gone out of my way to join other groups of mums, some of them are already friends from having older children in the school., that's fine

I don't go out to the pub or stuff like that with them though. Did your dd never attend class parties where you chatted with mums etc?

You just need to 'be the change you want to see'

Be active in the WhatsApp group, suggest an inclusive event ie meet in the park after school on a Friday, coffee at the cafe after drop off on a Monday, ask your dd who she would like to have over to play and then facilitate and host that, or get her to invite 2-3 friends to a day out in the holidays for eg. Host a birthday party and invite the parents to stay for tea/coffee while the kods have an activity etc etc.

Or don't.

I work all the time and never do drop offs or pick ups, can't bear to be held up with small talk and have a busy life so no need for new friends BUT I put time into knowing the parents of dc my child is in school with, friends with and wants to play with. I stay in touch through the class WhatsApp and will always offer help to those who ask for it with costumes or information or lifts etc if I can. We always host parties and playdates. People then kindly reciprocate.

Don't blame other people for not doing exactly what you're not doing!

Not doing playdates is a bit odd. Has your DD never asked or been asked for a playdate in 5 years? You would meet the other parents that way. Even if you don’t become friends you will still probably get to know them better. Just offer a cup of tea and a biscuit when they come to pick up. Year 5 is fine to do playdates without parents, you sound a bit over cautious in that area and it seems a shame for your DD to miss out.

If you don't want or need friends then why are you so bothered that you're not in the school Mums click? You could maybe approach the Mums asking if their child would like to come to yours for a playdate sometime & go from there. Don't deprive your child the chance of forming close friendships just because you can't see the point in you making friends with the Mums. Offer to take you DD friends out for the day when you have a day out planned so that your DD has something to chat with her friends about at school.

I really wouldn't bother now you've got as far as year 5. Soon they'll be able to walk home themselves and you'll never have to go to the awful school gate again.

The DD is Y5. You don't ask the parents at that age if their child wants to come for a 'playdate'; playdates themselves are now superceded by just hanging out or park after school

As for taking DD friends out for the day; OP doesn't allow sleepovers because she won't allow her DD to go to a 'stranger's' house. Why should these other mums entrust their child to OP, who's made no effort to get to know them?

I think the idea is that by year 5 you’ll have had a good six years to get a measure of the parents and kids, and know which ones you feel fairly trusting of. Of course nothing is guaranteed which is also why by age 9 you’d also have taught your child some safeguarding tools if they ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe?

I actually think this is you. I moved my dd in year 3 to a very cliquey village where everyone was a lot more wealthy and one group of families lived in a particular street that all had parties and went skiing together. I never really fitted in properly but I was still friendly and chatted at the gates and my dd made friends and had play dates pretty much the first term. Sleepovers were a bit later but you still need to let them off the leash a bit by that age.

I'm hopeless at making friends and meeting people but we invite a load of people from nursery and hobby to his birthday partys and get similar invites back. Through this I at least can nod to a few folk and we have playdates occasionally too.

My husband is much more sociable but can come across OTT.

I wonder if her DD is thankful.

Yep, absolutely wouldn't be allowing a sleepover with complete strangers. But by year 5 these are families we have known for 5-6 years. DD1 has been round their houses dozens of times and them to ours. DH is friends with some of the Dads (he is much nore social than me), I have positive respectful relationships with the mums, where we are there to support each other when needed. These are not strangers, they are important people in our families lives.

Has she never been to a birthday party or had one herself?

How have you got this far in without getting to know just one parent?

Have you invited other children and their parents to playdates? What about birthday parties? I don't think it's too late to invite your DD's friends round. I wouldn't start bothering that much by year 5 to be honest.

Do you normally overreact?

Seriously, what a ridiculous comment - I would be avoiding you like the plague! No wonder you have never made friends at school!

I find it hard to believe you've not had play dates? Surely she has asked to have a friend over? What about birthday parties? Or so they do a reading morning at school you could go to and start chatting.

Could you throw her a party for her next birthday? Let her invite all the people she's friends with? Give her invites if you dont have numbers and start some sort of dialogue with the mums/dads.

If not surely the best thing is to be led by her and arrange for her to do something with a friend. She must have some pals she'd like to meet outside school? It's not really about you having nights out, it's about her.

Projecting massively, but there was a mum of a girl in dds who would have reacted exactly like this. I hope you’re not like her in all the ways op, because her children are not living any kind of normal life.

They aren’t compulsory 😁😁 organised by pta, we prob had perhaps a quarter of the school there and was good fun.

You sound like you don’t really want to be part of a clique of mums but feel like you have to. You don’t.

You’ve got issues as there’s no reason your kid can’t do play dates. Totally OTT.

Mm your daughter is now year 5. You’ve left it a bit late to suddenly start wanting to be friends I think. Your daughter only has one more year and then you don’t meet any mums at the school gates. Be happy with your friends you have and stop trying to emulate your sister.