School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

Oh my goodness absolutely not a sleepover at 9 years of age with strangers. That’s asking for trouble!! What an irresponsible thing to say.

My DC are both way past primary age, and they were 6 years apart so it was different primaries, areas and mums. I kind of made friends with one mum (of DC1’s best friend) when she was in primary. But I’d known her since the kids were in nursery so that wasn’t really through school.

Other than that, nothing. The new area I moved was impenetrable in terms of the clique. I even volunteered doing PTA stuff at first because I was determined to make school mum friends. No dice 😂. I soon gave up and realised my face just didn’t fit. It was fine, like you I had plenty of friends so whatevs.

That's a rather ott response, imo.

You seem very suspicious of your fellow parents.

I hope that won't hold your daughter back in her social life. It's important for kids to learn to deal with other people.

I made mum friends by asking the teacher to put notes in some of the kids’ backpacks asking if they wanted to get together for a play date, with my name, phone number and my kid’s name. I also just decided to chat with any mum at pickup who was stood on her own.

I did end up having some great memories and great nights out, days out, often quite intense friendships. But as soon as my youngest child went to high school they’ve all faded. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

I've never been for a meal or even coffee with the school mums as a group. It's just never happened.

I know some of them individually and had play dates etc.

A few of them were friends already and did go out together, you could see on social media, but that group was never really opened up to other parents.

Haha, supposedly she'd go to a friend's house not a stranger's. And it will start with playdates so you get to know the mum a bit. And if you're anxious about sleep overs you can invite the friend yourself.
But it's ott to say goodness no at that age. Most kids do have sleepovers at that age- even sleepover parties.

At the age of 9 and having been at the school since reception there’s no reason why you can’t do play dates despite not knowing the other parents well.

For your DDs sake you need to start organising some. Otherwise when she does get to the sleepover age she will miss out. Just offer to take the friend home from school and then have a 5 minute chat when the parent picks her up after. Then build from there

Well… they’re only strangers because you haven’t made the effort to get to know them.

Not irresponsible at all my kids have been having sleepovers and sleepover parties since about year 3. It’s completely normal and a fun part of their childhood. Sounds like you’re doing your best at ruining your kids childhood. Well done 👏🏻

Exactly. You want your child to have sleepovers but not with strangers. But you won't make an effort. You want school mums to come to you and ask you to be friends and invite your DD.

That won't happen now. They have made other friends whom they chat with. Not a clique. Just other friends.

@MarleneH are you going to respond to any other posts or just that one? Has your dd never had a birthday party?

The question of mum friends should be totally separate to the question about your daughter’s social life - certainly by now anyway. Agree the early years it was more enmeshed but my kids were having drop off play dates with good friends in nursery and with school friends from p1. Sure maybe I’d linger for a coffee the first time just to see the house and find out who lived there or whatever, but by now my kids’ friendships have nothing to do with me (they’re 9 and 13). I’ve never really made friends with their friends’ parents - I’m on the PTA and volunteer regularly in the classroom so know most of the parents in my son’s year to say hi but he’s been walking himself to school for a year now and had wraparound care before that so I was never really around for the school run part.

If you won’t get to know anyone and won’t let your daughter spend time with anyone you don’t know you are creating a massive issue for your child. Your issues shouldn’t be hers and you need to fix that part urgently and stop worrying about mythical mum friendships that are unlikely to happen at this point.

i think this sucks but also sounds a bit strange and maybe reflects on the school - I’m quite introverted and my eldest is year 5, but I can’t not know the mums and dads as we see them at all the sports and parties and school events where you just hang around and chat. To be fair my son and his friends play a lot of sport so they have seen each other 7 days a week for much of primary school, and between sport and parties for a while it was Friday night (sport) Saturday morning (sport) Saturday afternoon (party) Sunday morning (sport) and Sunday afternoon (sport) - why yes we do have no life- but also our school has family events like the carols, multiple parents social evenings, family weekends away, and we’ve gone to all those, and parents are friendly across lots of year levels too.. There is a bit of an art to the friendly approach and hi how are you. But it’s very difficult if they are sort of a group already all standing there. Are there no others standing separately you can approach? I’d feel pretty inclined to give up by this stage to be fair. Does your dd want play dates? Parents aren’t needed for them at her age!!

If people are standing in a group, you go up to them and say hello. It's as simple as that. You say something like " Hi, I thought I would introduce myself at last"
.Most ' cliques" will say hello back, even if you are not their best buddy.

I completely agree, a couple of people standing and talking next to each in a playground doesn't mean they are in a clique! Tired of this phrase just being thrown around. If you genuinely want to make friends, you will need to make a bit of an effort to be friendly. Is it possible you are being stand offish?

The parent of my child's best friend at school is like this, keeps herself to herself. She rarely takes her child to parties, never stands and talks to anyone. I have tried with her, approached her a few times to make friendly chat, but the next day she will go and stand on her own again.

By year 5 though, kids will know who they want to play with, it doesn't matter if the parents aren't pally.

5.5 years of school and not a single play date? That’s so sad! Does your daughter ask for play dates?

i didn’t start talking to my child’s friends mum’s until atleast the middle of year 2. She’s in year 3 now. She’s been going to that school since she was 3 (8 in a few weeks). Now my youngest has started I already know a few mums in his class so makes it easier. It’s difficult until they get older and I didn’t feel comfortable asking kids over for play dates until year 2 hence why I didn’t reach out sooner.

I’m sorry for your kids op. This is an incredibly sad way to go through life for them. No play dates. No parties. Chatting to other parents which would have resulted in them not being strangers, and thus sleepovers, which are probably primary school age kids favourite thing to do. I still can’t even imagine how this happens. Play ground chat would have been about being excited about a party, or a sleepover. I’m surprised your op was focussed on your not making friends, but rather your dd.

I’d say be thankful your not part of it

Family weekends away? Is this organised by the school ?

sounds hellish

How can they be strangers after 5 years?
Surely you’ve been at parties?

Then replace "reception" with "topic X that they studing", or "trip to Y". Most people like to talk about their children!

Ok that response says a lot about why you don't talk to people.......

So in answer to your question…it’s you. HTH

Agree with this

You get out what you put in