School mums - is it me or them?

[MarleneH]

Hi all.

This is a bit of a weird one and I don’t really know where to start. Note - put in AIBU? as didn’t know where else to post it! Sorry if unrelated.

DD is yr 5. Since reception, I’ve never really had much to do with the school mums. As a lot of the had older children in the years, they were already friendly with eachother and nobody ever really reached out to me. I’ve exchanged a few words with a couple of the mums, but nothing more. No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too. School pick ups can be super awkward sometimes when approaching the gates and they are all stood their in their little click.

for context, school is a village school and there’s about 18 in the class.

how do I make friends this far in? Would it be weird to approach them this far in? It would be nice to have more than a five second conversation with some of her best friends mums. But equally, I’m not bothered if I never hit it off with them as I don’t believe you just make friends because your kids have something in common and to be really honest I’ve got enough friends which I don’t have the time for with how busy life is.

my sister’s little boy, my nephew, started reception this September and she is already having nights out with the mums going for coffee and to be honest, that’s how I always visualise my little girl starting in school. But it just hasn’t worked out like that. So the fact that she is four months in and has already made some really close friendships makes me feel like it’s just a me problem?

I just feel as if I don’t fit in, however I see school as an educational purpose not a social one.

Thanks x

You seem to have confused me with another poster. I think the OP should make an effort, and I don't believe in "clicks" or mean girls. It's not me who's paranoid.

@motherhustle
please can you explain what is ‘mean girl energy’ about a group of friends chatting? What are they doing that’s mean? I don’t get it.
is it because it’s specifically women and at the school gates, that any women who are friends are mean? What about if these same friends were having a chat at the pub? Is that allowed? What if it was men at a pub? Is that allowed. Or are they expected to go up to every person, say there’s someone sat at the bar on their own not saying anything - if they don’t go up to them and say hi / are they mean?

I think you’re too late to be making friends now. At my DC school parents are not supposed to enter the school grounds after they start year 4 - kids are supposed to walk in and out of the school gates by themselves. Kids who live locally walk home by themselves or in a group, parents who pick their kids up sit in their cars in the street and the kids walk of school and find them, some kids get the school bus and some go to after school club, they’ll only be one or two parents standing outside the gates usually with the family dog. The only parents doing pick up in the playground are those with DC at nursery or years 1-3. Year 1 was the time to make friends and not having any hasn’t bothered you for the past five years. Your child only has two years left and then they’ll be moving on to secondary anyway.

You say you don't need more friends, fair enough, but to say you can't organise playdates because of not knowing the parents is really letting your daughter down. They don't need a parent there at 9 - you're hugely overthinking.

Do you have a class WhatsApp? Just message a mum, or approach at the school gate, and ask 'Evie was wondering if Sophie would like to come over after school one day next week.'

If you’ve seriously never chatted to a school mum and invited them for a cuppa by year 5 then there’s a problem (you not them).

but no I don’t think it’s too late. Although if there’s only 18 kids in the class I really don’t understand why you’d bother now really.

nobody ever really reached out to me

That sounds very passive! It's not up to anyone to reach out to you-if you want to make friends, you need to go and speak to other people.

It's rather late to start thinking about it only now though. If your daughter is leaving primary school next year and you had never done a play date for her, that is really sad :(

It's what you put into it. If you invest time, energy and interest, it will probably pay off but if it's not worth it to you, then it won't. I say this from experience. I've been taking dd to toddler classes for 2 years. The first year, I was happy to exchange the odd pleasantry, but just didn't have the energy or interest to get into proper chats. The second year, I changed my MO and now have friends as I chose to make the effort and get involved. It's a choice.

I took my child to school and picked him up that was it.
I never got involved with other mums.

No play dates. I don’t know them well enough to allow my DD to go to their homes and it’s the same the other way round too.

Has your DD been invited for playdates and you’ve said no?
Have you invited your DD’s friends round and the parent has said no?

Has your daughter never asked for a friend to come over for a play? Have you never been to a class party?

Ive 3 kids and youngest in reception so im starting all over again and in reception its mainly parties that you get to know the parents and then play dates slowly start with parents staying for a coffee etc before you start doing drop offs as they get older. Then meals out etc with parents start. so thats how you get to know people. No one is making friends at drop off / pick up. Is there not a class WhatsApp group? Do feel like you’ve left it a bit late. I’d assume that you didn’t want to be social by this point . It’s hard work at the beginning and lots of conversations with people you probably wouldn’t be friends with but by year 5 for both my oldest boys I definitely had few proper friends and was friendly with everyone else

Don't worry, my daughter is in Y6 and I've felt infinitely lonely throughout her whole primary schooling. I'm looking forward to high school when I don't have to hang around the school gates anymore

Don't worry, my daughter is in Y6 and I've felt infinitely lonely throughout her whole primary schooling. I'm looking forward to high school when I don't have to hang around the school gates anymore

How about joining the PTFA?

Is there a PTA you can join or school events you can volunteer for? These would be great opportunities to get you chatting with other mums .

I’m the same, mainly as a working mum it was usually my Mum dropping my eldest off and collecting and my youngest too, but she was at a SEN school so less parents anyway as many came on buses and taxi.
It kinda bothered me in a way but not enough to push myself on them, I didn’t seem them often enough to part of the yummy mummy crew anyway!
on the odd occasion I dropped mine off, I’d be on my way to work and they’d annoy me as they’d stand around in groups, blocking the path!
I did feel bad when she went to secondary as while she was initially offered a lift with two others, that stopped and I’m sure it was just my child who was left to make her own way (I didn’t drive and her dad was at work)

it seems the op has disappeared, and the thread has moved on a bit, but I don’t really get how play dates didn’t come up, for the op or others on this thread. My kids, and all the others too as far as I could tell, used to run out of school at home time saying ‘muuuum, pleeeeeease can I have a play date at Susie’s’ every day. They were both invited to about 10 parties a year - 29 in reception year 🤦. Does this very regionally then?

I have 4 dc’s and have had a fair few coffee mornings over the years! lots of acquaintances and some I got a bit more friendly with/would talk at the gate.

Fast forward now they’re all in high school/young adults I literally don’t have one lasting friendship out of all of those women. Haven’t kept in touch with any of them.

I guess what I’m saying is, they’re often very superficial, transient relationships so I wouldn’t worry too much about making mum friends. You’d be better off joining a hobby group of something you enjoy if you want new friends. Make the effort to make a bit of small talk and have playmates for your DD’s sake though. It’s sad that she’s 9 and never had one.

Hey I’ve never really been included and it used to hurt. Never been on a night out with the school mums, heck they haven’t even invited me to join their WhatsApp. The ringleader used to work with me years ago and is toxic, and then when I moved to this area I was gutted to realise she lived on the next street and had made friends with my now ex, Who I’m still living with because of the housing shortage. She’s narcissistic and has everyone where she wants them. Anyway, I am glad now that I never hung out with them all as there’s so much drama and bitching that goes on between them all. There’s so much jealousy and competitiveness as well. My ex is friends with the woman I used to work with, her husband and a few other couples that have kids in my daughters year but I am not interested.

I get that you weren't bothered about making new friends because you had enough, but most people make at least a minimum of effort to get to know the parents of the kids their kid is friends with. So that you and they are comfortable enough for your kids to go arpund to each other's houses to play.
For some kids they need that parental crutch to help them secure their friendships. Others crack on just fine.

Does your DD want to invite her friends over? If so then approach the parent and extend the invitation.

came on to say the same thing.

Hasn’t she had birthday parties or been to any?

Ive a y5. Like pp said it was a tricky year. We had face masks on so i didnt recognise people for ages no parties either here in reception any were outside.
But i do have similar issue. My eldest had sen so while havibg friends initially they dropped away by y2. And other parents moved away.
With my y5 i did initally talk to a friendsip group of mums and she went to parties in y1-4 but shes moved groups and i dont know these mums and the kids are getting closer. For us part of the problem was several had siblings into one particular year group so they were together all the time and leaving my kid out. But now every other girl plays netball together.

i just woukdnt bother at this loint in y5 for yourself as you wont necessarily make friends with dc friends. Just arrange a playdate trampolining or something.

also a lot of parents value more other parents who have their kids over all the time or for childcare or to parties etc but with a sen eldest kid is truly is too hectic generally and unpredictable to add other kids.

I voted YABU because you need to get over yourself about the play dates, and tell your child to invite children over.

The way you get to know other people is by being sociable. You are doing your child no favors by being so diffident. Invite a child over to play. Let your child go on play dates. This is how you will get to know the parents.

At 3 different primary schools with DC, I never felt more need than a hi, quick chat, probably because they were at breakfast club as well so wasn't one of the drop off group.

I did however always feel welcome and was offered to join the whattsapp group, but it didn't happen.

Perhaps because I was in my 40s, so I just stood with them, initiated conversation just to be polite. If you're stood meekly by they may think you just want to keep a distance. Physically put yourself next to them, it will happen. Xxx