Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

13?! No way is this right on any level...

I would have called the mum as soon as I had the number. And if it were a fake one, I'd not be happy.

13? Get on the phone to the mother and give your DD a rocket and revocation of privileges for lying.

I'm not being selective about what I answer, I was waiting at the station when I went on MN and saw that message which was easy to respond to, so I quickly answered that one. I didn't call the mum because there was no guarantee that the person on the other end of the phone would be the mum anyway.

I was there when they got off the train and she was with two teenagaers who I don't particularly know but have seen photos of from pictures she has taken at school and when she's gone to town, birthday parties etc. I spoke to the mum who said they had a lovely time. I haven't had chance to discuss the details of everything with DD, but i am satisfied that she was with who she said she was with and I know the location (for those saying that she could have been anywhere) because her phone is tracked.

because there was no guarantee that the person on the other end of the phone would be the mum anyway.

worth the 30 second effort to call on the off chance though

It’s probably as innocent as a group of girls wanting to feel grown up by going a bit further away from home than normal without any parent with them. But I would definitely be at that train station waiting to see who she gets off the train with.

I dread this kind of thing when my daughter becomes a teenager! My two teenage boys were never bothered about going into town with friends until they reached college age but I think it will be different with my daughter!

I’ll not get into why you should’ve still called.

Anyway, I’m glad your daughters back home and hasn’t lied to you ☺️

removed due to Cross posted. But the lying is something to jump on regardless

Cross post. Glad it does seem to be fairly innocent

You had mum's number, but weren't worried enough to phone it. You were able to track her all day and knew where she was. Presumably daughter knows she's trackable too. She was home when she said she would be, and she was with who she said she was with.

So yeah, maybe yabu for being so suspicious???

Too much freedom for 13 imo.
you don’t know any of her Friends??? In future get the parents’ numbers and confirm.
There’s too much risk imo for a naive 13 year old to be given this much freedom. She’s proved she’s not trustworthy and I think you are also perhaps being quite naive….

To be honest I find it very irresponsible that you haven’t spoken to the other child’s parents to confirm the plans. Your 13 year old child was just dropped off alone at a train station with no clear idea where she’s going & apparently with friends who you’ve never even met?! She could be meeting a grown man for all you know. I mean… she is 100% not with a parent, that is clear. I would be concerned. Does she have access to the internet and is that access monitored?

The daft thing is, if she’d said from the start that she was going to Stratford with X and Y and Y’s mum, OP wouldn’t have worried at all.
Why did the girl need to lie/fib/pretend?

@Notenoughsleeptoday she lied about where she went and you rewarded her with money?!

OP, you need to take a bit of control here. Don't give her any more money until she opens a new bank account. I did everything online for my daughter with a Santander account. We also use Revolut, where she has a card linked to mine and I can transfer money over easily to it and keep track of her spending.

You do need to talk to her about lying to you. You are less likely to let her go out if she lies and she needs to understand that. We have all been there, but she needs to understand the dangers of you not knowing where she is.

Super glad you had your kid back. But for the love of God, next time set ground rules before the kiddo leaves for her outing so you don't give yourself a heart attack. My kiddo is the same age and I get the drive for independence. But they are 13, not 23!!

13 is young unless she’s in London all the time and with friends or lives locally . I hope she is there with her friends and not on her own

None of this makes much sense to me, what was the point of lying?

Stratford London ? Hm. Dodgy. Meeting someone..

A friend of mine first did Ecstasy and weed at 12. MDMA and cocaine at 13. She’s a social worker now and very normal but yes… some 13 year olds do drugs.

As soon as you saw she was in Stratford you should've told her 'no more money and you need to come home now. I'll buy you a train ticket. If you're not on that train you're grounded/pocket money/phone removed for x time.'

That's for lying. If she said she was going to Stratford with a mate plus parent then she should've just been honest.

You don't get new boots (which again was another bunch of bs) or whatever other shite she was buying as a reward for sneaking off. Especially to somewhere that is unfamiliar and not the most salubrious of locations.

Weird the mum wouldn't buy her lunch though and be refunded.

I’d suggest yiu chat with her schools safeguarding officer. To let the SO be aware and to ask if the SO can arrange for the parents to all meet. Tho it’s possible she met a bit/man in London snd not her friends. Either, I think her schools needs to know so they can support, gather info, advise etc.

I’ve read the full thread before I replied. Despite being middle aged, I was indeed rebellious as a young teen. I distinctly remember becoming interested in boys that age, and giving my entire birthday money to a boy I had a massive crush on, who told me a (fake) story about how hard up he was and how amazing I was. We were fucking 14!

I think there are boys involved in this situation, and not necessarily those with good intentions. I hope I’m wrong and her purchases match her spend. I don’t know why she would lie unless she knew she was up to no good.

Eh???

Maybe next time insist on actually knowing the arrangements or she doesn’t go and discuss with the parent. Schools really are busy enough 🤦🏻‍♀️