Am I being overly suspicious of my DD13?

[Notenoughsleeptoday]

A week ago DD13 announced at dinner that she would be going to the town next to us (10 minutes away by train) with her friends, but instead of saying the name of that town, I heard her say 'London' (which is an hour away). I said "London?!" and she said that she didn't say London but said the name of the town next to us. The town name is nothing like London. My husband insisted that she said the name of the town and I thought it was a bit odd, but dismissed it as my mistake. My husband now admits that he wasn't actually listening to the conversation.

Yesterday I asked her if she wanted me to buy the train tickets but she said her friend's mum is buying it. This seemed feasible as an adult travelling with a child, the child's ticket is only £1, whereas buying it alone is more expensive.

This morning she left for the town with her friends from school, which I've never met - I don't know any of her school friends. My husband dropped her off and said that she had got the time wrong and that's why her friends weren't there, but they'll be arriving soon.

This afternoon she text me to say that the shops weren't accepting her card and it might be because she doesn't have enough money, so could I transfer £60 and she'll pay me back. I text back asking why she wants so much money and then I checked her location, she was in Stratford. It's quite out of character for her to lie about where she was going especially as I would have let her go anyway if there was an adult present and also I've never known her to want to spend so much money, so I asked her to phone me to check it was really her. She called and insisted that she needed £60 for some really cute boots and although she has that much in cash, the shop only accepts card. I agreed and put £65 on her card. She then went to Zara and spent £35, not £60. I text to ask why she asked for £60 for boots and she said that they must have been reduced at the till. I asked why she lied about where she was going and she said that Stratford and our local town sound similar and she got them mixed up.

She then text to say her card wasn't working again - it is a bit of a crap bank and the card often fails - and she couldn't buy lunch as everywhere they have tried is card only. I told her to give the cash to a friend or the mum and they pay for the food, but she said that they won't do that. I can't imagine a mum being pointlessly difficult and letting a child go hungry.

Any of these alone, I wouldn't have even noticed, but everything together is seeming a bit suspicious. Her accidentally saying London and then coincidentally going to London, her not needing me to buy the ticket to the local town, her arriving at the station at the wrong time so my husband couldn't actually see her friends or the mum, her requesting huge amounts of money for boots and then only spending half of it, the mum happily paying for her train ticket but letting her go hungry by not accepting cash from my daughter and paying by card.

Or maybe I'm just being over the top.

Have you managed to contact the mum?
Who she get off the train with or doesnt wont necessarily tell you who she is or has been with.
I hope all well and this is just a 13 yr old telling a few fibs to get a trip to london with friends but we live in a dangerous world where parents have to be savvy and switched on in order to protect vulnerable children.
Best wishes.

When you know she is on the train drive a couple of stops away from home and get on the train. See who she is with.

I doubt there's a parent with them. She's probably with friends (and thought you wouldn't let them go otherwise) or she's with a boyfriend. Did all that myself as a teen and lied about it because my parents just didn't let me do anything like that.

Unfortunately for her she's been caught out because of tracking and electronic banking. Rather silly of her to call you asking for money and raise suspicion, but you're now aware and can decide how to address it.

Please, unless she's doing something really unwise/dangerous, don't be too hard on her. By all means a bollocking for the lying this time but think about setting some reasonable parameters for expanding her freedom. I ended up in some really quite concerning situations because I couldn't confide in my parents for fear of being permanently grounded as they disapproved of just about everything except homework and church.

I think she's with someone she has met online, hopefully a boy or girl her own age, and not a grown man who has been grooming her.
You must meet her off the train and have a serious conversation with her about safety.
Teenagers all do daft and deceitful things, and think they are invincible. I know I did.

You know full well you're not being over the top so what's with all this faux insecurity nonsense?

My DD1 at 13 was a nightmare wanting to do things that weren't age appropriate, it's worrying as they haven't got the capacity to deal with a dodgy situation if it occurs.
I got wise to her"staying at a friend's " and asked to speak to said friend's mum. Dad came on the phone, all good? Nope it was a friend's older brother 18+ who was covering for them.
She once stayed out all night and I had police looking for her, she turned up at 11am and had just stayed at some random lads house ffs.
It wasn't until she had a child of her own that she understood why I was distraught. They think they are invincible in their teens. I don't envy you, check and double check everything going forward.💕

I hope you get to the bottom of this OP.
I wonder why she felt the need to lie to you? When she gets back you're going to need to have a chat about why you were concerned, and she needs to know that she has to be honest with you.

Oh I’d mess this up good and proper and end up god knows where 😆

if she has gone with friends, and they dont want an adult, that is the least worrying thing, but the fact she had apparently got the time wrong and there were no friends at the station makes me suspicious. If they are supposedl;y local friends, then waiting at the station (for when the London train is due) will reveal that lie, as they wont be getting off with her. Given she is making decisions on timing, I wouldnt think she would travel separately from the 'mum and friend' to come home at a different time - thats just bollocks.

This would suggest she is meeting someone in London and hanging out with them, could be someone met online. Male or female. The fact they are shopping means MAYBE more likely female, but either way, a bigger lie has been discovered, and more worrying as online safety has not been taken care of at all.

The lunch issue is a complete lie. No parent would watch a kid be refused food - she would not want to ask, but an adult, and even good friends, would offer to pay and take cash.

And Id be wary of the mums number, as its not one you know already. Do you have the number of another parent who would have this womans number? to check its legit? There are sadly too many women out there who want to be the 'cool mum' and who will lie to parents, especially if given a 'very strict parent' story, for brownie points

THIS.

You can apply online for a bank card, Monzo is easy but all others let you apply on line.

That needs sorting today as she is safer with access to money.

I used to lie to my parents at this age, not about anything important, just pointless stuff, apparently it is a developmental phase.

Just keep lines of communication open. It is hard parenting teenagers.

Try rooster card from natwest. Its free if you open an adult natwest bank account

Hope you manage to work out what has been going on and that everything is ok. I bet they've gone without an adult and she didn't want to risk not being allowed to go. I can imagine my daughter doing this. She is almost 16 now and realises that she has a lot more freedom when she is honest with us. On a side note, my children all had hyperjar cards and they were terrible for declining all the time too. I'm with Lloyds and opened them teen accounts online. It was really simple, they never had card issues anymore.

You can open an account with Santander (for example) online, no need to go “into town”. I wouldn’t leave my child with a bank card that “often fails”.

If you had suspicions already then you should have absolutely handed your daughter over to another adult. Now you have no idea where she actually is and who she’s with - because of your naivity.

If she’s lied she’s not deserving of your trust. At 13 it’s not wrong to safeguard your child by asking for names and phone numbers of who they’re meeting and waiting for a responsible adult. No need to slate other posters because they’re advising caution.

Your husband should have waited until her friends arrived, not just dropped a 13 year old girl at the station after your suspicions. He needs to wake up, with online access she could be meeting with anyone, she's a child.

I do think she likely only lied to be able to go out with friends - nothing to sinister. Otherwise it’s very easily provable when she gets home. You can clearly track where she spent the money on the card so it’s not like she can say she needed it transferring for boots then take it out as cash or use it at a different shop without you knowing. Will be pretty obvious if she comes home with no boots.

Definitely be there at the train station and see who she comes back with

Good luck op. I had a similar issue with my 14 year old but it was fairly frequent - lies that didn’t quite add up but there was always some sort of ‘reasonable’ explanation that she gave so I felt I was being gaslit almost by my own child! Turns out I was right to be suspicious- no older men but shoplifting & buying drugs (aged 14 - weed and ecstasy- she kept asking for cash as her ‘card didn’t work’) with her friends in places they weren’t meant to be and she’d say her tracking ‘kept bugging out’ etc.

I’d like to add these were (are) lovely girls at private school (not that it matters particularly but so you know the context) who just used to see things in instagram and try to copy them. It was a nightmare and she fed us a lot of lies over the course of a year or so. Eventually after lots of grounding and heavy surveillance she grew out of it, all is well with school and friends, had a great part time job, and is now off to university later this year…

sorry to derail the thread with my own story but just to say if she is going a little haywire just keep enforcing the rules from now, get stricter with who / what/ where and hopefully you can keep her on side. Good luck and I hope it’s all ok.

Mine had a Nimbl card at that age - it sent me a notification through the app for every transaction telling me the name and location of the shop as well as the amount, so I could keep an eye on what he was spending and where.

No way. You did brilliantly. Don’t doubt yourself!!!

I have a 13 ye old too. I totally get why you feel the way you did. I wouldn’t be happy either if they lied

i have always always taught my daughter that I won’t ever be cross if they tell me the truth (and I do keep to it strictly!! Which is super hard sometimes) but I will be cross if she lied and that seems to work really well.

my mum did that with me and she was never cross. Even if I didn’t do what I said which was vanishingly rare.

I wonder if something like that might help?

OP, you sound rather non-plussed about this never mind your husband!

There are an awful load of creeps out there....

Suddenly brought up this memory for me. Poor kid.

Disappearance of Andrew Gosden - Wikipedia

Haven't read everything so apologies if this has already been said, but at 13 my teen's phone is not private. So once she's home I'd be taking the phone and going through it with a fine tooth comb. She'd have a chance to tell the entire truth, clear it all up for you first, and have a grown up conversation, but I'd be going through the phone to see where the seed of the idea was planted. My eldest is very open to the idea that we discuss openly next steps in independence and comes up with solutions about how to make it happen, but this is the kind of thing I could see my youngest do and I would be nipping it in the bud straight away. Talking openly, behaving maturely, gets more independence. Lying and sneaking doesn't. Having said that I was a lying sneaker as a teen so who knows!

Lies. All. Lies.
Like prev posters... friends, or someone from online? I'd dig into it and your dh needs to get on-board.

I wondered this too. Did you call the number?

Have you called the mum?

I hope you spell out to your dd exactly how worried you have been. Total transparency in future or she won't be going anywhere..