Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

[MyLilacCritic]

Hi this happened last year but i can’t shake it. One of my character flaws is allowing resentment to build! I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze (fawn response?)

Context I am 32F, husband 34F. His PIL are both 70 and his sister is also 32F.

in the first couple of years of our relationship I spent a lot of time with my husbands family. Because I love him and had the newly in love goggles on. Family is important to me. I was also conscious of the age of my husband’s family, i.e. not so many “good years” left.

FIL became ill so i was a dutiful daughter in law and we increased the visiting.

when we would say goodbye, it was hugs all round. I thought I was being over sensitive but his “hugs” made me feel awfully uncomfortable, inappropriate hand placement and lingering. Ugh!!!

I also felt that he would sit there staring at my chest gormlessly. Hard to prove, again - but it made (makes) me very uncomfortable.

for me the peak moment was last year. In laws were visiting us. In front of his wife and daughter, unprompted in the middle of a group conversation as we were standing around chatting, he grabbed my hips with both hands, shook me, and said something (totally irrelevant and non sequitur). I didn’t say anything, just froze. Nor did SIL or MIL they just stood there in stunned silence. Notably, my husband was not in the room.

since then, I can’t bear to be around him. I can’t talk about this to my husband as I can’t bear to crush the image of his father to him - it feels too cruel and I love my lovely husband so much.

However, keeping this from him is hard. I will do anything not to be near his parents (they’re a package deal). I try to wear the baggiest clothes possible and squirm away from any contact with them. Not a great relationship to have with your in-laws. Nonetheless FIL remains pretty determined to try and put a disgusting sloppy kiss on my cheek at the bare minimum. if we were out and about as a 4, (PIL, me and DH) I can’t bear to “pair off” with FIL who I resent so much.

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy but didn’t get very far. But I knew the Mumsnet herd might have som experience in this - please help me work out what to to!

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH. Unfortunately, I’m finding this very very hard.

YABU - he’s just an old man of a generation that got overexcited. You need to forgive him and move on
YANBU - totally unacceptable behaviour from any man, let alone your FIL

Any advice on how to proceed with managing this relationship?

That was my first thought. ‘Inappropriate’ behaviour is often a feature.

No, @DotAndCarryOne2 , it's honest.I've also worked in dementia care for decades, and had to deal with a really manipulative and entitled man whose filthy comments and bottom touching/stroking/comments were laughed off by older staff, who disgracefully looked down on younger staff who bore the brunt of his sexual assaults. Fascinating that whenever I paired up with his favourite young carer and pointedly said I would wash and change him he was extremely pissed off, ditto when I told him he was perfectly capable of applying his creams to his groin himself. Sexual assault is sexual assault, yet so many women on here suggesting wearing baggy clothes, pleading pregnancy heightened senses and not rocking the boat is just awful.

What a very very sad update I'm so very sorry for you and your DH.

If you can see a post trending in February that was written in January then maybe stop and think before you comment?

HTH

Oh OP I am so sorry.

I had both a miscarriage at 19 weeks and lost my baby daughter at 9 months old. When these losses are raw you think that you will never get over them and will never be happy again. All you can really do is ride out your pain and grief and very slowly you will start to feel a little less sad. It's now 35 years since my baby died and I still think of her often. Be kind to yourself and grieve in your own way whatever that might be - everyone is different, do whatever helps the most.

You must have mixed feelings about your FIL which must make his passing more complicated for you, but I think all you can do is try to be there for your DH which I know will be difficult when you are mourning your own loss too. Xx

Can we please just focus on the update from OP.

Has your FIL died? You work through your grief of both loses, together. My Mum changed in personality as her death from cancer was getting closer, I'd be kind to your DH by thinking it was age/cancer/looming death etc. Get through each day by supporting each other.

You really shouldn't have this burden weighing on you and spoiling your happiness with your DH. Having to worry when you can bring it up, what your husbands response will be, is very unfair.

i would have thought your DH would notice his DF touching you inappropriately and want to step in and defend you. Is he always this passive?

I would choose a time you know you won't have any demands or distractions. T doesn't matter if it ruins one weekend, it actually shouldn't, it should feel cathartic to you to get this problem out in the open and express your concerns and ask your DH to support you in either not having to visit your PIL or for him to set the boundaries really clearly with his DP. You shouldn't have to do that!

So sorry to read your update @MyLilacCritic sending you both my sincere sympathy💐

Edit after uodate

Apologies OP, just seen the update. I hope you can get some help working through these issues. XXX

Actually notwithstanding the update, the title is confusing, because we are all using different devices and Page 6 doesn't exist on my iPad, so it would have been helpful if the OP had started a new thread. That's quite some update and easy to miss.

@MyLilacCritic really sorry about your news, and I hope you are getting all the RL support you need especially from your DH

I think OP would be better off having this thread deleted and a new one started. Some people’s inability to post sensibly is turning it in to a car crash.

It's the OP who also needs support, surely, she lost her baby.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. Be kind yourself and accept offers of support. Just take it one day at a time. 💐

You don’t have to search for page 6. You click “see all” on OP’s original post and then just go to the latest update. Takes about 5 seconds.

Such behaviour was written about in one of the Clayhanger novels (written very early 1900s IIRC) by Arnold Bennet - the fictional elderly father started behaving very inappropriately to a housemaid.

Bennet had presumably witnessed the progress of dementia first hand, from the earliest signs. Only then it was called ‘softening of the brain’.

@MyLilacCritic That's awful, I am so sorry for both your losses. 💐 Take some time off work and allow yourself to grieve.

OP so sorry after reading your update. I didn't read your thread when you posted in January.
Hope you are getting support, you have had a lot to deal with.

I am so sorry to hear this, you have my sincere condolences.

Afternoon everyone. Can we ask folk to please read the OP's very sad update on page 6 of the thread, before they post anything new?

And @MyLilacCritic , we send our sincerest condolences to you at this sad time - and please do let us know if we can do anything else to help with the thread. Take care

I’m sorry about your baby OP.
This is a very emotional time for both of you. There are going to be lots of feelings swirling round and not all of them are going to be right to share with different people all the time.
It is not your fault either your FIL or your baby died and nothing you did or said to your husband or anyone else had anything to do with either death.
It’s fine if you’re feeling relieved that FIL is dead and not particularly sad at all. But that’s not a feeling you want to be discussing in any detail with your husband. The creepy shitty behavior with you was a small part of FIL’s overall interactions with his son and wider family even in your mind if they have quite naturally overshadowed all positive interactions he previously had with you. It may or may not have been due to dementia and it’s fine for this to colour your views of him as a person.
So let your husband be sad about his dad. Don’t feel guilty if you feel relieved. Remember losing your baby is not linked and you can both feel the grief over that loss without trying to imagine any links to your FIL’s death. You may well find it helps to talk it all through with someone not connected who will not relate any of your thoughts and feelings back to your husband or family - like a professional counselor.
Sorry you’re having such a rough time.

Yes, they've both lost a baby, so need to support each other, as said in my post. Then there's the DH who has lost his father, her MIL a husband etc. It can't be about one person. The support needs to be mutual.

I know this feeling, its devastating at times.
Yes, explosive unpredictable father too.