Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

[MyLilacCritic]

Hi this happened last year but i can’t shake it. One of my character flaws is allowing resentment to build! I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze (fawn response?)

Context I am 32F, husband 34F. His PIL are both 70 and his sister is also 32F.

in the first couple of years of our relationship I spent a lot of time with my husbands family. Because I love him and had the newly in love goggles on. Family is important to me. I was also conscious of the age of my husband’s family, i.e. not so many “good years” left.

FIL became ill so i was a dutiful daughter in law and we increased the visiting.

when we would say goodbye, it was hugs all round. I thought I was being over sensitive but his “hugs” made me feel awfully uncomfortable, inappropriate hand placement and lingering. Ugh!!!

I also felt that he would sit there staring at my chest gormlessly. Hard to prove, again - but it made (makes) me very uncomfortable.

for me the peak moment was last year. In laws were visiting us. In front of his wife and daughter, unprompted in the middle of a group conversation as we were standing around chatting, he grabbed my hips with both hands, shook me, and said something (totally irrelevant and non sequitur). I didn’t say anything, just froze. Nor did SIL or MIL they just stood there in stunned silence. Notably, my husband was not in the room.

since then, I can’t bear to be around him. I can’t talk about this to my husband as I can’t bear to crush the image of his father to him - it feels too cruel and I love my lovely husband so much.

However, keeping this from him is hard. I will do anything not to be near his parents (they’re a package deal). I try to wear the baggiest clothes possible and squirm away from any contact with them. Not a great relationship to have with your in-laws. Nonetheless FIL remains pretty determined to try and put a disgusting sloppy kiss on my cheek at the bare minimum. if we were out and about as a 4, (PIL, me and DH) I can’t bear to “pair off” with FIL who I resent so much.

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy but didn’t get very far. But I knew the Mumsnet herd might have som experience in this - please help me work out what to to!

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH. Unfortunately, I’m finding this very very hard.

YABU - he’s just an old man of a generation that got overexcited. You need to forgive him and move on
YANBU - totally unacceptable behaviour from any man, let alone your FIL

Any advice on how to proceed with managing this relationship?

edited because I missed the OP's update. My sympathy to you and your husband OP.

Sorry for you and your DH's loss, @MyLilacCritic .

So sorry for your loss. I’m unsure In what context you mean what do you do now? What do you do about telling you husband about his dad..or?

I think she just means - what does she do?

Awful, sad losses and she must be so lost in herself

And I wish I had some advice but I don't

@PithyViewer the only acceptable response here is mea culpa and an apology, surely? Your post was crass and hurtful but unintentional I’m sure.

OP just take it five minutes at a time. Keep talking to friends and family.

I'm so sorry OP, how tragic. What you do now is accept that you feel however you feel, be very gentle with yourself and you and your DH be generous in your love and patience with eachother 💐

I am so sorry for your losses x

Sorry to hear about your loss . Please take time for yourselves to recover .
In regard to your fil . Support your husband and mil , morn his loss , put aside how you felt about him he was loved by his family and you were a part of it .

Sending hugs OP xx

I'm so sorry, OP. Was it very recent? I'd say take one day at a time, I hope you can support one another and be gentle with yourselves. A cancer, hospice or baby loss charity may be able to provide you and DH with free counselling if you feel it would help.

Oh, @MyLilacCritic, I'm so sorry.

You don't have to do anything right now. You just have to be there for each other. Additional counselling or grief counselling might also be a good thing to look for for both of you.

So sorry for your loss, @MyLilacCritic .
💐💐💐

I am so sorry to read that. I lost my baby at 25 weeks, sending you such deep love to you and your husband. If you have any questions or need peer support just DM me.

https://www.novafoundation.org.uk/support-for-newly-bereaved-parents

Nova Foundation will have resources for losing a baby and managing grief snd trauma. Tommy’s helpline will also be invaluable https://www.tommys.org/about-us/our-people/tommys-midwives#:~:text=Call%200800%200147%20800%20or,offering%20general%20support%20and%20advice.

your local nhs may have a dedicate therapeutic resource, if you let me know where you are I can check? I know in East London/ Essex/ Bedford and Luton there is
https://www.elft.nhs.uk/services/ocean-mental-health-service-east-london For babyloss

I hope you can both get time off work.

and incase you need to hear this nothing you said, did, thought caused this xXx

READ THE UPDATE

What an unbelievably difficult time you're in. You've got a lot to process. It sounds like you and your DH are lovely people so be kind to each other and to yourselves. You will get through it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

This is terrible advice 😂

So sorry for your losses

@Moveoverdarlin I know that a lot of MN posters take great offence at being told to read the whole thread (or at least OP's updates), but this is one of those times where it is entirely appropriate for you to do this.

Condolences on your losses OP.

I have suffered pregnancy loss too op, so I wanted to reply. I am thinking of you and hope you and your DH can support each other through this terrible time.
He sounds like a good man, I also hope you can keep talking to each other to help yourselves heal.

I'm here.
Are you ok?