Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

[MyLilacCritic]

Hi this happened last year but i can’t shake it. One of my character flaws is allowing resentment to build! I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze (fawn response?)

Context I am 32F, husband 34F. His PIL are both 70 and his sister is also 32F.

in the first couple of years of our relationship I spent a lot of time with my husbands family. Because I love him and had the newly in love goggles on. Family is important to me. I was also conscious of the age of my husband’s family, i.e. not so many “good years” left.

FIL became ill so i was a dutiful daughter in law and we increased the visiting.

when we would say goodbye, it was hugs all round. I thought I was being over sensitive but his “hugs” made me feel awfully uncomfortable, inappropriate hand placement and lingering. Ugh!!!

I also felt that he would sit there staring at my chest gormlessly. Hard to prove, again - but it made (makes) me very uncomfortable.

for me the peak moment was last year. In laws were visiting us. In front of his wife and daughter, unprompted in the middle of a group conversation as we were standing around chatting, he grabbed my hips with both hands, shook me, and said something (totally irrelevant and non sequitur). I didn’t say anything, just froze. Nor did SIL or MIL they just stood there in stunned silence. Notably, my husband was not in the room.

since then, I can’t bear to be around him. I can’t talk about this to my husband as I can’t bear to crush the image of his father to him - it feels too cruel and I love my lovely husband so much.

However, keeping this from him is hard. I will do anything not to be near his parents (they’re a package deal). I try to wear the baggiest clothes possible and squirm away from any contact with them. Not a great relationship to have with your in-laws. Nonetheless FIL remains pretty determined to try and put a disgusting sloppy kiss on my cheek at the bare minimum. if we were out and about as a 4, (PIL, me and DH) I can’t bear to “pair off” with FIL who I resent so much.

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy but didn’t get very far. But I knew the Mumsnet herd might have som experience in this - please help me work out what to to!

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH. Unfortunately, I’m finding this very very hard.

YABU - he’s just an old man of a generation that got overexcited. You need to forgive him and move on
YANBU - totally unacceptable behaviour from any man, let alone your FIL

Any advice on how to proceed with managing this relationship?

Firstly, I'd like the 7% who voted YABU what the %#%# they are thinking!!!

@MyLilacCritic be assured this is NOT normal behaviour from your FIL and you DON'T have to put up with it. Even if it is dementia, you still don't have to put up with it.

There are several points to address in your posts though:

I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze
That's fairly normal, to freeze in the moment - I think most of us will look back at a situation and wish we had stuck up for ourselves better. What's not normal is to allow it to continue after you have had time to think

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH.
Unfortunately your mum, bless her, isn't able to help you deal with this …
I think it comes from me growing up in a household with an explosive/ unpredictable dad.
... and this is why. She has understandably taught you to keep a low profile and not draw attention to yourself. But this is not helping you in your adult life and you need help to deal with this situation and learn new ways to deal with conflict..

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy
And you need to go back to therapy - if possible with a different therapist.
Get your therapist to role play scenarios with you so that you have a "script" and set of behaviours in mind to protect yourself from unwanted attention.

The thought of discussing this with my husband and ruining our evening and weekend - I’m scared, honestly
That's understandable. I don't think you need to raise it with your DH in a huge "your FIL is a pervert" way. I think you can frame it as something you are not comfortable with.

You don't have to justify that, you know. You don't have to say "I think it's pervy" ...it's sufficient to say "I don't like it".

I'm glad to see your update - that you have discussed it with your DH - that's really good news. Well done!

I think you had DH need to do a bit of work now on your strategies for dealing with it. It doesn't have to be the full on confrontation many people are advising here. (I'm not saying that is wrong btw - before everyone starts slamming me - just that it may not work for you).

I would suggest starting with small steps.

For instance you might try this: next time you visit and hugs & kisses are expected, just step back a little and say "oh I'm not doing hugs today, I've got a bit of a cold (or tummy bug) and I don't want to give it to you"; and DH should casually position himself in such a way that it isn't easy for either of them to physically ambush you.
Once you've established that ONCE then it should be easier next time to say "actually I prefer not to hug today" (again with support from DH if needed). Rinse and repeat; stick to your position, and gradually you will start to feel more in control.

Recently had to say something to an old man in a hotel lift about an unwanted sexualncomments about me. His wife was with him and pretended not to notice.

These women are the worse types and have been putting up with it for years from their lechy, low life husbands.

This type of man makes my skin crawl!

They should be called out at every turn for sexual harassment.

I am seventy by the way.

I had a brother in law like this, it was gross. I eventually went NC as he started phoning me too.

Do not allow any grandchildren to be alone with him.

Your thread title is asking “Pervy FIL or jus accept it” - the answer is NO - NEVER ACCEPT IT.

I feel your pain, my FIL came to give me a kiss and stuck his tongue in my mouth. I was young at the time and he did it in front of people too. you can tell i’ve never forgotten it.

It's terrible & can happen regardless of both ages. I had a guy around 30 & about half my age come at me when we were on holiday in a bar when my DH was in the queue. He leaned in & said your my chosen GILF. The guys asked me to pick one & kiss them. It was one of the dares on a stag do. I looked at him & said you've lost that dare then🙁so go away & pick someone else. The worst of it was he was a professional type & the groom to be.

Whatever you do not take this advice. Massive over reactions will resonate for years.

I was bridesmaid for my SIL. When getting photos took FIL slapped my bum!!! I was furious but kept calm due to the event!!!

I told my husband and said we were done seeing his dad, that was it!! It was the straw that broke the camels back in terms of his behaviour

In case anyone is reading this thread, I lost my baby and my husband lost his father. WTF do I do now

So sorry to read your update, what a tragic time for you both. No doubt things have been really tough and you feel lost xx

@Banaghergirl I feel so sorry for anyone with dementia and I felt sorry for him but he was so very scary to be around and his behaviour was unacceptable whatever his state of mind was, as far as I was concerned any women who were in close contact with him didn't have to just "put up with" and excuse his behavior simply because he might have dementia.

Dementia is a physical disease that kills parts of the brain with tangled spaghetti-like strands and knots made of proteins. It is not a state of mind. Dementia patients really and truly cannot help this behaviour. "Simply" because he might have dementia...I'm sorry, but I'm shocked at this level of ignorance. The brain is dying. Patients' behaviour is no more "unacceptable" than the fatigue of a chemo patient is unacceptable. It is a physical symptom of a physical disease that the person has absolutely zero control over.

Dementia is NOT a mental illness. It sounds as if you're confusing it with that, when it's not.

Oh! What a completely shocking update. OP, I am so sorry! 💐

Goodness. So sorry, OP. Give yourselves time and be kind to yourselves. Hugs to you both x

Im so sorry for your losses. Right now, you don't have to do anything, "just" love and comfort and support yourself and each other. That is already enough.

I am so, so, sorry to read your update.

I had actually typed out some short-term advice and then deleted it all, because what do I know.

For what this is worth, you seem like an incredibly strong woman. I hope you can look out for yourself as well as you look out for others - and try to take support wherever you can get it.

Oh darling such sad news. I had several miscarriages 1 at 18 weeks. It's devastating. This as well as your DH losing his DF. Sending you both hugs. 😘

You need to be gentle with yourselves. Take time to grieve, keep talking to each other and your friends/family. There isn't really anything that you can do but be kind to yourselves & be there for each other.

Oh @MyLilacCritic I’m so sorry to read this. Really sorry. You will both get through this. 💐

RTR.

I am so sorry sending you prayers ❤️

You must deal with this. I would suggest meeting in a coffee shop with sil or mil, whichever you feel most comfortable with and discuss that sometimes FIL invades your space and makes u uncomfortable, pick some examples, do not use emotive words like disgusting/creepy, just keep it factual and ask mil (directly or via sil) to discuss with fil,”as he possibly does not appreciate that he’s making u uncomfortable” and to stop the hands on and kissing approach.

Oh my goodness, OP, what a terrible update to see. I am so very very sorry.
What do you do now?
Nothing. You take things easy and gently. Look after yourself and live through each day as best you can.
Sending love and support. X

@WizdomE Please read the update.

Op, I’m so sorry for your loss.
@WizdomE. @PithyViewer Please at least read op updates when you comment on threads.

Ah, I’m so sorry. You need to do what we always need to do. One step at a time, one day at a time. I’m sorry for your loss, and for the extra stresses for you and your husband.