Pervy FIL or just accept it? UPDATE PAGE 6

[MyLilacCritic]

Hi this happened last year but i can’t shake it. One of my character flaws is allowing resentment to build! I’m bad at addressing difficult situations with people in the moment - I just freeze (fawn response?)

Context I am 32F, husband 34F. His PIL are both 70 and his sister is also 32F.

in the first couple of years of our relationship I spent a lot of time with my husbands family. Because I love him and had the newly in love goggles on. Family is important to me. I was also conscious of the age of my husband’s family, i.e. not so many “good years” left.

FIL became ill so i was a dutiful daughter in law and we increased the visiting.

when we would say goodbye, it was hugs all round. I thought I was being over sensitive but his “hugs” made me feel awfully uncomfortable, inappropriate hand placement and lingering. Ugh!!!

I also felt that he would sit there staring at my chest gormlessly. Hard to prove, again - but it made (makes) me very uncomfortable.

for me the peak moment was last year. In laws were visiting us. In front of his wife and daughter, unprompted in the middle of a group conversation as we were standing around chatting, he grabbed my hips with both hands, shook me, and said something (totally irrelevant and non sequitur). I didn’t say anything, just froze. Nor did SIL or MIL they just stood there in stunned silence. Notably, my husband was not in the room.

since then, I can’t bear to be around him. I can’t talk about this to my husband as I can’t bear to crush the image of his father to him - it feels too cruel and I love my lovely husband so much.

However, keeping this from him is hard. I will do anything not to be near his parents (they’re a package deal). I try to wear the baggiest clothes possible and squirm away from any contact with them. Not a great relationship to have with your in-laws. Nonetheless FIL remains pretty determined to try and put a disgusting sloppy kiss on my cheek at the bare minimum. if we were out and about as a 4, (PIL, me and DH) I can’t bear to “pair off” with FIL who I resent so much.

I tried to get support on dealing with this in therapy but didn’t get very far. But I knew the Mumsnet herd might have som experience in this - please help me work out what to to!

My mum recommends trying to focus on the positive qualities of the people who raised my wonderful DH. Unfortunately, I’m finding this very very hard.

YABU - he’s just an old man of a generation that got overexcited. You need to forgive him and move on
YANBU - totally unacceptable behaviour from any man, let alone your FIL

Any advice on how to proceed with managing this relationship?

So sorry for your loss. 💐

All you can do is support each other as best you can. Try to stay honest but kind to each other.

Yuck. I’d be making my feelings quite clear.

Please read the update.

So sorry @MyLilacCritic . Take care of yourselves.

I never commented on your original thread OP as I'd just be parroting a lot of the good advice your already been given. Just seen your update and I'm so, so sorry. This is a very sad time, with two deaths to deal with. Just be there for each other. Talk out your feelings with your DH (maybe not focussing so much on FILs past behaviour now he's gone) but allow him to talk about his dad if you can bear it. If appropriate, seek out some grief counselling for you and DH to help you deal with your losses, but separately if you feel the need to offload to the counsellor about your past issues with FIL.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for your DH. I hope you are both supporting each other in this very sad time 💐

i am so sorry to hear of your loss. Take care of yourself x

Sorry for both your losses, just be there for each other and take the time to grieve. 💐

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. You just have to be kind to yourself. Take time off work. Look after your husband and give yourselves time to heal.

I’m so sorry you’ve been through such traumatic month.

I wrote it before I saw her update.

HTH.

So sorry for your loss

.

In view of the update please ask @MNHQ to delete this post.

If you look at the order of my posts, Smartypants, you'll see that I wrote mine before I saw her update. And it still stands as a PSA against the kind of ignorance that has people thinking the actions of a dementia patient are a choice.

Evidently.
the OP posted at 5.27
You posted at 6.12.
You could have chosen to check any updates.

Oh what a sad update @MyLilacCritic. I’m so sorry

@PithyViewer Surely “oh I’m so sorry, I’ll get that deleted” is the only required response here?

Pretty obviously.

I am so sorry to read this.
The two things are not linked.
Parents die and it is very painful and your husband will get through this, just as we all do.
It is painful and takes time.
Your FIL had dementia and unfortunately you became a victim of this degenerative disease in his inappropriate behaviour towards you.
It was the disease.
You were 100% correct to bring it to your husbands attention.
NEVER be confused on that score.

I am so so sorry to read of your miscarriage.
Such a huge shock when it happens.
The shock of feeling like our body has failed us.
You poor pet.
I have had 3 so I know only too well the shock and pain.
You will get through this.
You need to mind yourself.
You need to rest and recover.
Don't try to be strong and run around doing too much.
Listen to your body.

Floradix with iron is a great tonic to help you physically recover.
Your emotions will take longer.
Continue to take folic acid as it is good to have in your system during these years.

We are here for you.

I’m so sorry @MyLilacCritic

I’m sure both came as a huge shock.

As for what to do now…
Nothing. Please dont take any major decisions just now.
Support each other the best you can. Talk to each other. About how you feel, about how you can help each other feel loved and cared.

I don’t think there’s much more to do. 💐💐💐

I am so sorry. 💐

I'm so sorry, @MyLilacCritic. Sending condolences to you both.

In answer to what you do now: nothing.You have a lot to process and need to take what time you need to heal.

Remember, if your FiL did have dementia he will have had no understanding that this behaviour was wrong. It's one of the hardest symptoms for families to come to terms with - and does not mean in any way that others have to accept this behaviour. But it wasn't his fault.

I hope this comforts you in the future.

So sorry for your loss OP, such a sad update.

You will both grieve your lost baby and your DH will no doubt grieve his father.

Be kind to each other; respect, patience, space where necessary and togetherness where you can. Take care of each other. Take time. I am also grieving. It’s a huge burden. Such a heavy weight to carry. I know. I really feel for you.

I just wouldn’t give him the opportunity to hug and kiss you. I would just wave and put my hand up and breezily say ‘Cheerio Jeff, great to see you’ and slap him on the shoulder. That’s what I do with my FIL. Not because he’s pervy, I just don’t want to touch him.