To ask you how long you waited before visitors

[Starlightsprite]

After you had your baby?

My son and his partner had a baby yesterday morning and came home the same day. I have asked that they let us know when they are ready for visitors and they said that they will.

I am of the generation (is it generational?) that your immediate family were welcome straight away unless there were issues like the baby being poorly or the mother needing more recuperation than average and I couldn’t wait for my family to meet my babies. I already knew people were moving away from this though as I’ve seen it on here so I kind of knew not to expect to visit immediately.

So my question is what were you waiting for in terms if having people visit you? Do people just want a week to themselves in their little bubble? Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep? Or until yuh feel more comfortable? I just am wondering how people are doing it these days as I’m dying to meet my grandchild obviously.

There are no underlying issues here by the way, I get along fine with my DIL and son.

I would be upset if my mum & family didn't visit.
I think it all depends on the relationship that you have with family, I personally have a very close family and everyone was waiting to see my son.

Ah I see. Apologies. That’s totally understandable and valid. That’s why I think the argument of the in laws having just as much ‘right’ to see the baby at the same time as the mum’s family is an unfair one. The new mum will naturally feel more comfortable with and potentially need the support of her own parents.

Gosh. Reading this makes me so grateful for my parents. As it goes, after our son was born both sets of parents came to hospital the next day.
However. If for whatever reason we felt a need to wait a little before visitors, my parents would completely understand. They would absolutely still be there to help out when we need them with childcare. And even if my mum had to wait a couple of weeks to meet the baby, I’m sure she would still have a spare room for me when my husband leaves me for his secretary. Because she is compassionate and understanding. Phew.

Cruel...? The grandmother has waited 9 months/all her life to meet her grandchild. She can wait a few weeks more.

The idea that the baby must be observed in freshly hatched state because otherwise it's cruel is just strange to me. In another of your comments, you say that if you had to wait 4 weeks as per some other new parents' requests the baby will look different. And....?

I can't wait to be a grandma. I get it. But I have no right to lay my eyes on anyone else's baby within a certain timeframe, even if I did push one of its parents out of my own birth canal. Some women are more reserved. Some women have a different or difficult relationship with their own family that colours their desire to immerse themselves in their partner's family. It is not cruel for those women to lay down boundaries at a time when they're feeling vulnerable.

Weeks is ridiculous. A few days fine but weeks is insane. I couldn’t wait to show mine off and my mum’s face when she looked at her day old grandson will be imprinted on my memory to the day I die. It still brings a lump to my throat.

Yes. You are from a generation that was taught to suck things up and put other people's feelings before your own. And yes, it has made some members of your generation a bit martyrish, as your post indicates.

The way your generation parented us - hands off, disengaged, go outside and suck a hosepipe for all I care just be home before dark, eat it now or have it cold for breakfast, all underpinned with judgement and 'in MY day' - has made this generation a bit resentful.

If you don't want to help out looking after our pets and kids or whatever, stfu moaning about it and just don't. If waiting a few weeks to see your grandkids means we're on our own if our husbands leave us, fine. Whatever. We'll sort it out ourselves, just like we were sorting stuff out ourselves while we were kids and you did the bare minimum then awarded yourselves a prize because gentle parenting in your day meant hitting your kid with mum's lambskin-soled slipper, not dad's plastic-soled one.

Oooh. It stings when people generalise about a whole generation, doesn't it?

Exactly. Or it doesn't even need to be reserve or a complex relationship with family -- sometimes it's just distance meaning that you're hosting very dependent parents for a minimum of several days, and getting them to and from the airport and either putting them up or ferrying them back and forth from their hotel, and it's all a bit much when you're recovering from a difficult birth.

If I could have had my parents and PILs drop by for half an hour within a few days, I absolutely would have. I'd have loved to. But as they were flying from our home country and unable even to find their way to us from the airport, it needed to wait several weeks.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Agree with everything (although I will add my own parents and in laws are amazing!). Both tell me of being left outside pubs with a pack of crisps by their parents (my grandparents) whilst the parents drank inside. On a weekend. That was the norm.

And we’re lectured for being a selfish generation! 😂

It absolutely wasn’t the norm.

With my 1st my friend actually met her before my parents as she brought me crisps and chocolate after her nightshift. But they came to the hospital later that day then after a few days came to our house.

With my 2nd it was still covid rules so she was born on the Saturday and they met her on the Tuesday as they had my oldest till then.

Grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even very close friends were welcome immediately.

I feel sorry for grandparents who are made to wait more than a day to meet their new grandchild.

(My youngest is only 2, so this is recent)

But what if it’s a very difficult or traumatic birth? A few days is nothing! Especially if the new mum is in severe pain, professing trauma, struggling to breastfeed etc.

If I'd had such a birth id have definitely wanted my mum there to take care of me. She stayed for a week when my eldest was born and was a godsend. She did housework and cooked done meals and was company for me. And my birth experience was ok.

I dread to think if I'd had an awful birth and then just left to rot on my own with a baby to see to

I can only comment on my own experience of similar.
I had twins born 9 weeks early, they spent 6 weeks in nicu. I was poorly myself, but wanted to see my parents the next day, as I just wanted my mum. My parents briefly saw the babies in the incubators for 10 mins. My DH's parents didnt visit the hospital until 1.5 weeks after the birth. I love my in-laws, but I felt like death, very vulnerable and I just didnt want them there, regardless of how lovely they are.

With our youngest, we were out of hospital the following day. I missed out on so many experiences with our twins, and we both craved time with our newborn alone.
My parents visited 5 days after DS was born. Their visit mostly was them doing the washing, helping with our older DS's and just giving me, DH and newborn time to bond. To my recollection, my parents didn't hold DS on their first visit. There was no expectation that we had to host them etc.
I also had a strong desire to keep hold of baby (maybe a trauma response from the birth i experienced with my twins- they were taken away immediately- i didnt see them or hold them for 24hours).
My parents didnt push this when I said I'd rather not hand him over for cuddles yet.
My in-laws came on day 6. Mainly because they knew my parents had been and just didn't feel I could say no. I regret us not being stronger on this. (I caveat this- I love my in laws!!!) They came, my MIL took DS out of my arms and he was then passed around for over 2 hours between my in laws and SIL. 6 days post csection, I hosted them, making tea & biscuits, whilst not feeling like I could ask for my baby back!
My DH also had little say, as they ignored our other DS's who were still very little and he had to supervise and care for them, as i was unable to due to my csection.
It wasn't a logical feeling, more of a primal gut feeling that i felt uncomfortable with them man handling my newborn. I didnt want them holding him at all to be honest.

I would say, if they decide to hold out on visitors, that you need to respect their boundaries. Even if they have allowed DIL's parents to visit already. She may not understand herself why she feels how she does, so be patient and respectful of their wishes. Please don't expect to hold the baby and if its not offered dont make them feel bad.

I say this as a mum to only boys... if my boys ever become fathers and have kids, I fully intend to not be onto of those monster- MIL's that seem to be all over mumsnet! I fully understand that there can be a huge unspoken difference between your own mum and MIL, regardless of how wonderful the MIL is!

But what if a visit from your mother had involved more work for you, rather than less? If your mother had to be picked up from a distant airport and fetched and carried between her accommodation and yours because you couldn’t put her up.

I mean, I would have loved a visit from a mother whose presence made my life recovering from a CS with a high-needs baby and no milk supply easier, but that wasn’t an option. It was much, much easier not to have her there, which is why I didn’t.)

But that's not a case of visiting, that's more a case of rudeness. I assume you had the babies father around though rather than being totally alone.

I had a 1 bed flat at the time and mum slept on sofa

Yes I completely agree and am fully in support of that. But also fully in support of asking for space if that’s what people need. And when it comes to PIL, I do think that’s different from your own mum. I know that’s hard for some people to hear but it’s just the way it is. A new mum in a vulnerable state is much more comfortable with and has more need for her own parents (if that’s what she wants).

Well yes I had to explain this to my son in law when my daughter gave birth to her eldest. His mother complained I attended the birth ( early morning) and she had to wait till after lunch when they got home

That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. Good for you for standing up for her and hopefully they took it on board!

Son in law was fine when I said if his sister has a baby then she will want his mum first and foremost

Everyone met all our children straight away i was so excited to show them off tell them about my birth etc. The only time I would say something is if someone stayed for hours and hours but nobody did it was a great experience. And if I had another I would feel the same. I'd feel like I was being controlling, weird and demanding that my loved ones couldn't meet the new addition. Thankfully I don't know anyone in real life like this just mumsnet world

I've sat in cars with a bag of crisps and a can of pop while my parents drank inside.

Note that they drove to the pub, sat us in the car while they got drunk and drove back again.

But yes. It's the rising generations of mums that are precious and selfish.

I understand a new mum having just given birth predominately wanting her mum around to help in the first few days if this is possible. I certainly did & I was grateful for the help. What I can't understand is treating it like a competition as to who sees the baby first.. My parents-in-law were the first to see their Grandson due to mine working on the day so they visited at night. I had no issue with this. Both sets of parents were equally involved in helping out when I went back to work. If anything my mil did more & my mum was grateful given her own working hours.

With DD1, everyone came as soon as I was home. With DD2 I will likely have my mum visit in hospital (I’ll have a 2-3 day admission due to medication I’m on) and she works in the hospital I’m delivering in this time! And my family anytime and my in laws after a week. I love my in laws but they’re always guests, I’ve got to host them. My family will look after me. Make me supper, be happy if I shower whilst they’re here. They know how to work my washer dryer and my dishwasher, and they also regularly look after my oldest daughter which my In laws never have. Honestly no issue with this at all, but my family will be welcome sooner because they lighten the load, and my in laws later because they add to it. I was readmitted to hospital after all my stitches ripped because I wasn’t taking it easy enough when DD was born, so I’m taking all the help I can get. My family are coming primarily to help me, seeing the baby is a perk of that. My parents will also have care of my DD1 and the dog, and will drop them off as soon as we’re home- so naturally they’ll be here pretty soon!

Yeah, it absolutely was the norm. See also leaving your kids in the car for hours while you trundle around a DIY store/garden centre. Smoking in cars with kids. Feeding them Smash and spaghetti hoops for dinner. That generation of parents have got very good at drawing a veil over the reality of the “parenting” they did.