To ask you how long you waited before visitors

[Starlightsprite]

After you had your baby?

My son and his partner had a baby yesterday morning and came home the same day. I have asked that they let us know when they are ready for visitors and they said that they will.

I am of the generation (is it generational?) that your immediate family were welcome straight away unless there were issues like the baby being poorly or the mother needing more recuperation than average and I couldn’t wait for my family to meet my babies. I already knew people were moving away from this though as I’ve seen it on here so I kind of knew not to expect to visit immediately.

So my question is what were you waiting for in terms if having people visit you? Do people just want a week to themselves in their little bubble? Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep? Or until yuh feel more comfortable? I just am wondering how people are doing it these days as I’m dying to meet my grandchild obviously.

There are no underlying issues here by the way, I get along fine with my DIL and son.

Please don’t tar us all with the same brush!! No one I know in real life (late twenties and early thirties) has had any sort of exclusive baby bubble prohibiting family from visiting! Seems to be a MN thing more than anything!

This is such an important point. I know our Mums stayed in around a week even after having ‘normal’ births (no complications). Personally I don’t like the idea of that as I was so happy to get back home quickly and out of the hospital, but that would have meant visitors were very limited and at set times. No one asking ‘what’s for lunch’ as some have said in the comments - just unbelievable.

A fair few seem to like using the whole 'baby bubble' as a excuse not to see the in-laws if they don't like them on MN ,I especially eyeroll when they say their mum only popped round for 10mins with a casserole 🤣🤣

It’s completely normal and reasonable for a new mother to want her own mum around rather than her MIL, btw. It’s a totally different proposition when you’re bleeding, in pain, trying to get breastfeeding established etc. It’s only “unfair” if the MIL is centring herself and her desire to see the baby rather than the new mother, the baby and what they need.

Pil..1 night , 2 days after I returned home and I was in hospital for 4 days as I lost a lot of blood...they kindly listened and whilst in hospital cleaned the house and put decorations up which was very sweet. My parents and sibling and family the sat after I got home as first day they not working and they could come...which was a day after pil so meant visitors were spaced out. They all listened to me how I felt as certainly wasn't well enough in the four hospital days despite having looking back a very easy birth and baby, it was the unexpected bleeding which the hospital sorted that left me not well. I wanted to get home and have a shower and sleep but was very keen to show baby off too. It's kinda go with what the new parents feel like.

We’ve never used grandparents for childcare and neither live close enough for daily childcare. All childcare has been paid for (we both work) and we would never take advantage of our lovely parents. This thread certainly makes me grateful for my lovely MIL who never puts pressure on us for anything.

Surely you should just be happy and grateful you have a lovely new grandchild rather than being argumentative with strangers on MN?

Exactly.

It's completely natural for some women to want their mums when they've just had a baby and are feeling vulnerable.

My mum and dad, same day in the hospital. Ex in laws, the following day at home.

When they want to go out in a couple of years, I’m guessing your DIL won’t be sore, bleeding, maybe stitched up, massively sleep deprived and potentially processing something traumatic! It was only yesterday that she gave birth!

It’s lovely that you’re excited and congratulations, but you don’t fully know what they’ve been through. When you say they are “keeping their family away” it sounds like you’ve taken that quite personally but it could just be needing some time and space to process the birth. After I gave birth I could barely even walk, had to keep attending hospital due to an infection and had continence issues that I really didn’t want my in-laws to witness, as much as we get on fine! I disagree strongly with the PP who said needing some time is a symptom of self-centredness. If anything, I think it’s the other way around if people are prioritising baby cuddles over the well-being of a new mum who may be dealing with things we can’t even imagine. Not saying you are. However, it is a recurrent theme on here where MILs complain about not being able to see their grandchildren immediately and talk about being desperate to meet them without even a word for the woman who just went through so much to bring them into the world!

My prev reply attached to the wrong post - it was in reference to you saying they won’t be so keep to keep you away in a few years time.

My parents and grandma were in my house waiting for us all to get back from the hospital. And my mum brought round fresh croissants every morning for about a week after - any excuse to nip and and see the baby!

My first was born at 9pm and my parents and sibling and best friend were there that evening, visiting me in delivery. My ILs came the next morning. Friends came over the next days or weeks when they were free. I was excited to show off my baby. I've never had a bubble or kept anyone away.

I can't imagine parents who prevent grandparents and closest relatives from seeing them after birth for weeks or a month or more (without necessary circumstances) don't have the relationship hurt by it. It probably suggests a pattern of lack of closeness. Then they are followed up by threads here complaining that grandparents aren't involved enough, without the connection being made that the grandparents are responding to being kept at arms length from the get go.

Not saying parents can't decide whatever they prefer, but choices affect relationships.

The only rule I had was no visitors on day 3, because I get baby blues something fierce that day.

Op i think id be a bit more blunt myself and say ooh I just am dying to see the baby please let.me know if I can pop in ill only stay an hour.

I think in terms of bonding well my child having a baby themselves is just mind blowingly special!!!

First time round all the family came to the hospital. His side had driven over 3 hours to visit and stayed a few days so they could come as soon as we got home.

Second time around DD was in the NICU for a couple of days so no one came in. My eldest was brought in by my husband. However when we were discharged on day 3 we went to my mum’s and my in-laws had driven over 3 hours again and stayed with my mum. We did is do that we could then leave my mum’s when we had enough. In-laws could be overbearing. I recall my mum popping by and leaving a cooked meal in the porch and didn’t even stay as she knew we were tied with the baby and the toddler and she was being careful but as his parents aren’t local they just descended on us.

As soon as DH went back to work my friends popped in to visit which was fine. They asked and took me as they found me. However second time around I was dropping eldest off at nursery when baby was 2 weeks old so I had to get out as mingle.

Well I had a terrible birth with my first DS and had to stay in hospital for a couple of days with him so in laws and my parents visited in hospital and then as my own parents lived an hour away they came to stay for a few days when I got home. However my Mum is a saint so she left me to deal with figuring out being a Mum and she cooked, cleaned and just kept the house going, she left after 3 days and had meal-prepped the whole week for us. When she came back a week later she stopped me from killing my DH as well. Couldn’t have managed half as well without her. I was never precious about visitors as long as they were helpful and didn’t overstay and I knew they were coming. In my (probably) outdated opinion, a grandparent should be allowed to come straight away. I don’t understand this recent situation of wanting to keep people away, I couldn’t wait to show my baby to everyone.

I had 3 planned home births, so most of the visitors I would of had were pretty much at the birth, so I suppose you could say immediately in my case 🤣

It was advised by professionals for us to not have family visit immediately; the HV and the infant team recommended it. I was desperate to breastfeed, and the advice was that it's easier to establish breastfeeding and recognise breastfeeding cues when your baby isn't being passed around to well-meaning relatives.

My relationship with my Mum prior to the birth of my children was good, and she was really understanding of my want to breastfeed. She checked on (messages/phone calls) within that first week, but didn't pester. She offered to send meals etc. In-laws were less than pleased; they made the assumption that my family had met baby (which was incorrect), and they didn't agree with how we (both my husband and I) wanted to do things.

For subsequent children, we waited for longer than a week for visitors. I don't regret it at all.

The passing around baby doesn't have to happen, even with visitors.

I had visitors without restraint from day 0 and went on to breastfeed all of mine for well over 2 years.

Glad you did what was right for you, I just don't get the reasoning.

I also think, if my DD has a baby and I can bring her meals, maybe help around the house a bit to give her some rest, visit quickly, cuddle baby quickly if the baby is up for it, hold baby so she can shower or nap. The another DD has a baby and I don't get to meet it for two weeks or have any involvement. Where do you think the closer relationship and bonding is going to happen? Relationships are built through sharing experiences and mutual support. Relationships with your own adult children and grandchildren are no exception.

It's like living overseas from my parents. Of course they are closer to the siblings they get to see more and more detached from my life. Just how it is when there's not that personal touch.

I think it’s definitely a generational thing. Younger generation tend to be more insistent on setting boundaries in this way than when I gave birth 35 years ago. Recently, daughter & her DH announced that once in hospital, they would not be releasing any updates on labour progress, the birth etc until a time of their choosing. So we were told about baby’s arrival about 3-4 hours after it actually happened. We did see baby next day though. I understand why op’s DIL might like some space but it’d be polite to give an indication of the timeline on which they’ll likely welcome visitors. I empathise with op but I’d say not to take it personally. Things are just different now 🤷‍♀️ Congrats on your new grandchild 💐

True. With my second child I only saw her on e as the rest of the time she kept calling while I as out. Wasn't going to be stuck in the house waiting for her.

Why were you upset that your in-laws got there first? Don’t they have just the same rights to see baby as your parents? I’m confused why you think your parents should have been there first.

Parents and DSis and BIL visited in hospital after 2 days, I was in hospital both times for a few days due to difficult birth/ complications. No rules on this, they came the day after they were told about the births.

For someone who likes their own space I was the complete opposite when I had my baby. I wanted all of the people all of the time!! My two best friends came to the hospital and my third best friend came to my home that night along with my mum. I then begged them to come every day! I felt so out of my depth (as most new mums do) they had all had kids so I felt so much more capable when they were around. I have never understood the people who don’t want visitors but each to their own.

@Teenytinytempo that’s lovely you wanted and got that help, I didn’t feel out my depth I felt entirely confident in what I was doing and wanted to enjoy our bubble with my husband