To ask you how long you waited before visitors

[Starlightsprite]

After you had your baby?

My son and his partner had a baby yesterday morning and came home the same day. I have asked that they let us know when they are ready for visitors and they said that they will.

I am of the generation (is it generational?) that your immediate family were welcome straight away unless there were issues like the baby being poorly or the mother needing more recuperation than average and I couldn’t wait for my family to meet my babies. I already knew people were moving away from this though as I’ve seen it on here so I kind of knew not to expect to visit immediately.

So my question is what were you waiting for in terms if having people visit you? Do people just want a week to themselves in their little bubble? Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep? Or until yuh feel more comfortable? I just am wondering how people are doing it these days as I’m dying to meet my grandchild obviously.

There are no underlying issues here by the way, I get along fine with my DIL and son.

The above was not my experience with NCT at all. They very much encouraged us to define our own boundaries. Some people may have waited two weeks but this was the extreme end!

I had about 12 hours grace, but wished I had had 72! After the 72 I was DESPERATE to see people and introduce baby to the wonderful people who will be in her life. I was literally texting people to make plans for them to visit and filling up the calendar. They were quite surprised to hear from us so soon but I found the loneliness quite hard.

You will know best what kind of person your DIL is. My mother and MIL are both quite ‘proper’, stiff upper lip types and not very emotional. I am a through and through Pisces. I did not feel “held” or supported by either of them. Out of the absolute blue, my most distant aunt was the one who sat next to me, asked me all about the birth and noticed the individualities of my baby with me. She reminisced about how hard and lonely the night could be, but not in a way that made it about her, in a way that made me feel less alone. I would say she and I have no shared memory and I could easily have forgotten to send her a Christmas card last year, but she is now one of my favourite relatives!

I would say 2 weeks is a good amount when you don't know what to expect. It is harder for in laws because the new Mum just doesn't want to sit there on her torn perineum, breastfeeding constantly when people they aren't related to are there. The first few weeks are about the baby bonding with the parents, they only need their Mother basically, so not much bonding can happen with Grandparents. My MIL came day 10-14 and she was useless. Loads of perfume, brought nothing, created mess for us to throw away, was shown around the area like she was on holiday whilst I was frog marched around. The next time, I had a 2 week rule for her, but it's a mute point because she's not mentioned when she is coming and I don't know when she'll visit. Strange woman.

Also, sorry to stereotype, but adult men seem to be bad at communicating with their parents. My partner just won't ask them for a date that they want to come. Or even ask them to come. Your son should discuss it with his wife and give you a day, to stop you from wondering.

ILs came when we were leaving the hospital so on the 4th day. To be honest I could have done with longer but DH needed the support. Mine came when I was ready and well in routine at 7-8months old as they live halfway across the world.

Mum and sister the same day or next, dad the day after work, mum bought grandparents in on day 4 from memory, I was in for 7 days, standard for a c section 25 years ago.
Inlaws got photo in the mail, they lived elsewhere. Didn’t visit until kids were 5, 7 and 8!

It was a week with my first. It was longer with subsequent children.

Edited to add: this was the same for north sides of the family.

We got one of those M&S Chinese takeaway boxes, homemade lasagne, homemade cottage pie, sticky toffee pudding, then fruit / flapjacks / biscuits / chocolates. Couldn’t tell you what gifts but the food sticks in my head 😅😅 I buy friends just eat gift cards and a little box of things for mum (lip balm, nipple cream, emergency pads, a little face mask - just stuff I generally remember needing / running out of!)

It was very much my choice but I had grandparents and both our sisters and husbands visit the hospital. Think ds was born around 2am and my family visited in the afternoon and dhs in the evening.
friends /extended family we saw after the first week or so.

All my family and my best friend came to hospital to visit my son a few hours after birth, then later that same day once we were home I popped him in his pram and walked to my nans house, and a couple of other local family members to show him off! Mind you I was 21, Im not sure it would be the same now!

When dd was born 30 years ago, my parents were dead and the inlaws were 2 hours away ( whose we saw maybe twice a year). They visited about 2 weeks later . Friends came a couple of days after the birth. I was out walking within the week as I was so bored.

Planning to let babys grandparents visit in the hospital as soon as feasible, provided i don't have a super long/traumatic birth.

For me hospital seems better as I know they're not going to ask me or DH to do any "hosting"

After that I definitely won't want them at my house 24/7 for the first week or so!

I had a lockdown baby so my experience wasn’t representative. Not the first lockdown but summer 2020 when our area went back into local lockdown so things weren’t as stringent as that first one but still different to normal. Awful birth and in hospital nearly a week after, no visitors allowed. Then when we came home it was probably another week - my sister came and it was my midwife persuaded me I needed the support/ just someone there for me a bit. I was lucky to have DH of course but he was at work. My in laws some time after that - more at their insistence really they were more concerned about Covid and following the rules and fair enough, though it makes me sad now.

Looking back now I’m in two minds really - within my side of the family I’d always met babies of those close, so nieces nephews etc very quickly if not on the day. I fully expected that would be the case when I got pregnant obviously not predicting lockdowns etc. On the one hand I do feel sad we didn’t get that, and if I’d ever had another I’d have wanted more visitors and a little sooner than we did. But on the other hand my in laws for example are not people I feel comfortable sitting around in my PJs bleeding and crying in front of, and I’m really not sure I’d have been up to seeing them or indeed anyone for a little while even without the restrictions.

I do think people can be a bit too precious about it, it’s definitely a ‘thing’ that gets pushed out in pregnancy/ new mum spaces online and almost becomes a fashion or what you think you ‘should do’. But then lots of women will need that bit of extra time, I think it’s good that we’re more aware of what the new mum needs and wants now and don’t just trample over her to get to the baby. Sounds like @Starlightsprite is excited to meet their grandchild whilst being respectful of her son and DIL’s wishes so I’m sure she’s much appreciated for that, it’s something I’d have loved to have experienced from my in laws honestly!

I think it depends on the mother and the visitors. My Mum flew down the day after DD1 was born and met her in the hospital, she stayed with us for over a week and did all the housework and looked after me. I couldn't have coped without her, I'd been in hospital several days and was shattered after the birth.

In contrast I was so upset at DH and the ILs for how much they pushed me to have them come down the day after I got out of hospital, I had an all night argument with DH that first night when DD was a few days old, he wanted them to come down and hire a camper van to sit in the street outside our house so they could all (PILs, SIL, BIL and his wife and kids) stay for a few days. He eventually backed down and just my PILs came for a few hours a few days later while Mum was still with us so she did all the entertaining of them. That makes them sound horrendous but MIL was lovely, their family boundaries are just very different, e.g. when she was dying the house was full of people.

Depends on your reasoning for waiting 3 weeks for baby introduction, I suppose or are you a bubble mum?

At your request?

First DD, everybody visited two hours after I left recovery ( emergency c aection). First grand child on DH side. I was delighted to see everyone and show her of. DD2 there was an outbreak of swine flu so no visitors only partnes/DH or a nominated person. DS, had him at 9am and my Mam and Aunt visited that evening during the visiting hours. SIL/Godmother visited the next morning and PIL in the evening.

I was always happy to have visitors and for them to see my newborns even though I had three c sections.

Kids are all teens now by the way.

I desperately wanted a hug from my mum after emergency c-section with DS 1. She came the day he was born. My in laws came to hospital the next day.
All the grandparents came within 24 hours of DS2 at our request and our siblings/ cousins and a few close friends came in the first week . It was lovely to see them . My mum stayed for the first week to help us .

I don’t understand this fad of banning visitors.

Nope. She just turned up outside the delivery suite door. My BIL brought her

Why on earth would she be embarrassed about how she behaved when she’d just given birth? It’s a bit nasty of you to try to make her feel bad about it tbh. Oh, and many, many women refuse HV services. It’s not compulsory, and HV’s are notoriously variable in quality.

My Mother was at the hospital as soon as she knew DDs had arrived. As was exMIL, sisters, friends, entire work team 😂 what are they waiting for???

Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep?
🤣🤣🤣. How many years?
Other than that, when you yourself feel comfortable.

With my first baby, I let people come straight away. I massively regret not giving us time just as a new family so this time I will be waiting some time, perhaps a week and longer if I feel the need to.

My son, 2nd baby, was born during COVID and we didn't have visitors until he'd had his first immunisations and it was glorious. I loved having just the 4 of us at home and being able to recover, breastfeed 24/7 and waddle about without worrying about my MIL pressing my stomach a mere hour after giving birth to my first baby, and telling me I was snapping back already!

You sound like a lovely MIL/Nanny and it'll be so worth the wait. I can imagine just how excited you are to see the three of them. I hope DIL recovers well and feels up to a visit soon x

Baby 1. Born 01.30 in hospital so no visitors until reasonable hours. My Mum came over on the bus about 10.30 am. Baby 2. Born about 1.30 am. First visitor was dd number one who had been with neighbour on a sleepover - for obvious reasons. Baby 3. Born, oh joy, around 1.30 am. First visitor was lovely lady in village who gave me immediate help with breastfeeding. 9am. Dd 1 & 2 slept over with friends who took them to church parade. Took baby 3 to church after service to collect dd 1 & 2 where baby was cooed over by the old ladies.
Nowadays, new parents have watched onto the "no visitors for 1, 2, 3 months", including grandparents because they might give the baby germs. Believe it or not, babies do need to catch a few bugs here and there to build up resistance. Obviously, if someone has a virus, anything catching, they should keep away until well again.

I'm middle aged.

All three births - Parents/in laws same day. Extended family next day onwards/whenever they wanted. Couldn't wait to show them off. Pretty much the same for everyone I know - is this a class thing, I know mumsnet tends to be more MC and to my mind many posters have very odd ideas about many things.

No family is perfect, no in laws are perfect but short of them being abusive I will NEVER understand the weirdness I read on here about keeping everyone at arms length.

I wonder if it's a modern symptom of this self centredness that we see so often now.

Some people come across as completely controlling.

Newsflash the child doesn't BELONG to you, they deserve to be part of a wider group of people who love them. Yes I had a Mil who would sometimes make negative comments about breastfeeding or other irritations but you know what I sucked it up.

Its really not ALL about the mother as much as her health and wellbeing should be supported, some people take it so far to the extreme and I wonder if they are the same women on here complaining about absent grandparents later on... I also wonder how they'll take it when their darlings grow up and marry someone who treats them the same way....