To ask you how long you waited before visitors

[Starlightsprite]

After you had your baby?

My son and his partner had a baby yesterday morning and came home the same day. I have asked that they let us know when they are ready for visitors and they said that they will.

I am of the generation (is it generational?) that your immediate family were welcome straight away unless there were issues like the baby being poorly or the mother needing more recuperation than average and I couldn’t wait for my family to meet my babies. I already knew people were moving away from this though as I’ve seen it on here so I kind of knew not to expect to visit immediately.

So my question is what were you waiting for in terms if having people visit you? Do people just want a week to themselves in their little bubble? Or is it until you’ve had a good nights sleep? Or until yuh feel more comfortable? I just am wondering how people are doing it these days as I’m dying to meet my grandchild obviously.

There are no underlying issues here by the way, I get along fine with my DIL and son.

I was happy to have anyone visit who wanted to (close family) straight away and had a c section and was breastfeeding so had just gone through major abdominal surgery and has by breasts out. Close family want to enjoy the excitement and for me it was about having those people around rather than closing in and forming a bubble.

Could not agree more. I find the whole 'bubble' thing very cringe.

My mum was at the birth so met him immediately.

DH's dad (his mum died before our son was born) met him when he came for Christmas just over a week later. He didn't live locally so couldn't just pop in.

We didn't have visitors for 4 weeks, but that was because we were abroad and visitors would be coming over for 2 weeks so we wanted to establish ourselves before we had people around 24/7. If we'd been in the same country and just had people popping in it would probably have been next day (immediately would have been late evening by the time I was back on the ward).

I think I would probably have preferred another day after that tbh as I got no sleep and was really zoned out. But I would have been fine with my DH introducing family to the twins, so long as I was left in peace!

I imagine everyone is different. I usually like a couple of days, then I don't mind my parents and in laws coming for a short visit. But after that I want space.

To me frequency of visits long term is more important than how long after I've given birth for the first visit.

I have a good relationship with my mother in law but I feel comfortable around her like a friend not family which means I don't particularly feel comfortable being stressed of vulnerable in her company so I tend to want more space after a baby.

I think it was the second day we were home from hospital, so 3 days after birth for in-laws and my lot were a week after birth
Wish I'd have waited longer for both lots.
My lot live far away so 3 of them stayed ages both days and I have annoying relatives who questioned me for not being able to breastfeed anyway except lying down (so I went upstairs to breastfeed) and for not wanting to carry the baby upstairs (my back still felt wobbly after the epidural). I got much better at breastfeeding but it was a skill I had to learn.
In laws again I didn't feel comfortable breastfeeding around and I was bleeding so much I just didn't want to see anyone
I wish I'd waited longer to see both.

It wasn't about having a wee bubble for me. More that I was struggling so much with having had a tear and breastfeeding wasn't going well. My in laws aren't the type to cook us a meal or give me time to pump etc without it being awkward. They arrived 3 days after baby arrived, en masse, with cream cakes. Sat about for ages and then we never heard from them again for 4 weeks. They aren't unkind but not helpful either. It's also not nice for a DIL to be so sore etc and vulnerable around in laws if you don't have that sort of relationship.

I agree with this actually. It depends on relationship and circumstances.

And preference!

I can't actually remember with No. 1 but I think it was the day we got home from hospital (baby born late afternoon and we were discharged the next day), or possibly the day after that.

With No. 2 baby was born about 6am. We were home by 11am and we had both sets of parents over in the afternoon.

You are assuming our partners don't think the same! I have to admit I don't understand the whole showing of a baby thing. If people want to that's fine, but not all of us see the need.

at least 2 weeks for me, but thats because i am precious and dont mind. with the first, in laws flew in from abroad 1 month in and they expected to be fully hosted and taxied around, never once offered to help. can only imagine how that would have been like on the same day of giving birth..

It's possible to understand that people might want to do things differently to you without making judgemental "cringe" comments.

I had 1 set of parents 2 days after and the other set a few days later (due to distance/work). We were very happy with that. First two days (day our first was born and the day after) were absolutely just ours.

I think this generation of Mums (and Dads) is far more aware of the importance of mental health. A Mum has just been through possibly the most emotional/traumatic/painful/amazing day of her life and I think it should be the Mum’s decision when she’s ready for vistor’s.

There is also a big difference between visiting and staying too long which we experienced with some relatives. Most people come for a cuppa (hopefully offer to make it or hold the baby!), a cuddle, drop a present if they want to and let you know they are there at the end of the phone for anything you need. Some people dont seem to get the hints that new parents are surviving on no sleep, totally exhausted and just want to be in their own bubble for most of the day. You can love your friends and family and also need a few days (or whatever it takes) to adjust to your new family life.

With my own children, I hope I will be very aware of how exhausted new parents are and when I visit i’ll make it clear to them it will be a short visit (unless they absolutely need our help and ask us to stay longer).

My Mum met dd when she was 9 hours old as I needed a lift home

A few hours after all 3 babies were born.

It was about a year before we saw our baby granddaughter as we live abroad from them and they came out to visit us.

However, despite the fact that we live far away, it was about 2 days after the birth before DS messaged to say she’d was born and both mum and baby doing well.

Obviously (!) DIL’S mum was at the hospital shortly after the birth and knew all the details well before us inc. when mum went into labour.

I just found it sad that DS was happy to keep us in the dark for so long. We get on well with DIL so I’ve never mentioned it, but it did hurt a lot at the time.

If you’re the mum of a son, be prepared to be excluded and constantly play second fiddle to DIL’s own mum. It seems to be how it is, these days.

I felt absolutely horrendous and found breastfeeding so difficult for the first 4 days, presume milk was delayed due to c section. MIL came round on day 5, my parents came round day 6 I think. I can't remember. My mum said that after everything we went through to have DC, we didn't need to worry about sharing our precious first cuddles.

Mine visited after my DH’s and I adore both sets.

We are a more assertive generation of parents and the Mum’s physical and mental health (the Dad’s aswell I will add) is the most important thing. Pleasing relatives should come second to that. 2,3,4,5 days makes absolutely no difference (most newborns will be fast asleep, curled up like their still inside the Mum’s tummy!). The grandparents wont be missing out on anything if the Mum and Dad need a few days to adjust and recover. I know I did with our first.

With our second, home on the day I gave birth, saw one set of grandparents same day (also DH’s) and I was out on a walk when the midwife phoned on day 2 (I think I got a ‘why are you not in pyjamas’)😆

It can be so different the first time to the second and I think most people agree that it should be the choice of new parents and no one else’s. I do agree though that there shouldn’t be discrimination against one set of grandparents if there’s a good relationship with both sets.

My parents always came to visit on the first day. I really wanted to show my newborns off. I had a house full of people the same day as giving birth to one of mine, including the my parents, sibling, plumber (central heating died - emergency call out) the landlord, the in-laws, a random auntie in law I didn’t know and a couple of friends all turned up. It was crazy but I loved it! Lots of presents and it was nice to be fussed over. I did feel a little overwhelmed but I knew they were all going to go home at some point.

I find it bizarre that so many MIL's complain about not being treated the same as their DILs mum and blame their son's wife.

It's your son, who's responsible for including you, not your DIL. I have a good relationship with my MIL, but I videocall (we live abroad) my mum multiple times a week so she does see my dd more.

My DH only talks to his parents when he has to and, if I didn't send pictures weekly, they'd only get about three a year from him.

I think that’s a great idea. I would never stay more than an hour anyway and would try and help out the best I could - bring food etc (although at the moment I’m struggling to know when to buy it because I’ve no idea how long I’ll be expected to wait 😂) I genuinely think anyone expecting people to wait weeks are cruel and a bit shortsighted (there are exceptions of course). I hope they didn’t / don't expect the same people to attend their endless baby related events - gender reveal, baby shower, gift lists or expect free childcare when the newness wears off. I expect they do, knowing full well some if us will just do it and never say a word because we love our family and want to get along. It seems for some people protecting their peace is only important for them, not for the other party to do.

My son was born on Wednesday evening and I was in hospital with him until the Saturday. My parents came to visit on the Sunday. I was quite unwell afterwards and I don't think I would have wanted visitors before, although MIL came to the hospital after the birth and then stayed with DH at out home for a few days!!!

Was that due to travelling a fair distance to visit or just stayed round as she thought he couldn’t cope? 😆

If its the second reason, then 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think she had her rudeness for company tbh. I’ve asked very nicely and shown zero intention of being pushy.