AIBU to be upset partner changed his gmail password?

[Sunshine2361]

My partner is miserable in his job, he’s desperate for a new one so I’ve been helping him by doing job applications for him. He says he can’t do them himself as he has no time and he doesn’t know how to do them properly. I work full time so I’ve been fitting it in on a morning before work, between doing the school run for 2 kids. His indeed job account is linked to his gmail so to log in, I had to log into his gmail account. I did a couple of applications for him this morning then I came back from the school run and he’d sent me a load of texts saying how dare I access his gmail account and he has changed the password and I am never to access it again. AIBU to be really upset since I was literally trying to help him. I didn’t even go into his emails I just used his log in to access his indeed account

It looks like there is a severe lack of understanding from your DH and posters here on how linked accounts work. If your husband can't understand the process then he needs to do it himself. Ignore the hysterical about "his privacy" as it's clear that, like your husband, these posters don't have a clue what you're talking about. You could sit him down and show him the process but after the way he spoke to you... Fuck that.

The main issue here is him though clearly. From the sounds of it the way he speaks to you is completely unacceptable and it doesn't sound like he respects you at all. Does he add anything to your life?

Spouses should not have private email accounts - unless they are hiding something. What does DH want to hide from his wife that he's got hysterical at her navigating to his indeed profile through his gmail account?
And I would have checked the emails - because my DH never did and swore he could not write an email! We had a joint email account in his name, ditto one in mine both open all the time, i.e. click on icon and they open. DH never worked this out - tbh not worth the bother to read emails about gas bills etc.

He can't have it both ways. He either does his own job aplications or allows you access.

He could have set up a new email address in Gmail specifically for job alerts, applications etc rather than his usual email.

Sounds like he has something to hide.

Why are you seemingly doing everything around the house, for the kids and for him?

Applying for jobs is time consuming if you want to do them properly. And it sounds like you are pushed for time anyway. I'd stop doing it.

If hes not motivated enough to apply for jobs himself is he going to get you to go to interviews in his behalf?

He sounds a bit twattish tbh.

Can I ask how old he is? Has he always had such cognitive difficulties that he doesn't know how to apply for jobs and so little time in order to do it?

Privacy aside (my DH can check my emails any damn time I have nothing to hide) I couldn't find a man with such learned helplessness attractive.

Fuck that - tell him to find his own job then!

When he gets the new job are you going to do it for him as well?

I think it’s just a misunderstanding: you didn’t realise you were logging into his gmail account without permission, since you were just logging into indeed and used the details he gave you, and he didn’t realise he’d given you the details on an ongoing basis.

Unless there is a massive backstory, his level of apathy towards finding himself a job while burdening you who is also working full time and looking after kids is completely unreasonable.

Why does having privacy mean you’re hiding something??

That is a controlling partners script - you need to let me see it, else you must be hiding something.

Do you share your text messages, MN account and diary - if not, does that mean you’re hiding something?

Just because I would never let my DP have access to my private things doesn’t mean I’m hiding anything and I would trust him enough to not ever look through his either.

If I couldn’t trust him to even have an email account then I wouldn’t be with him because that’s not healthy.

Sounds like he doesn’t understand the logging in process, like 75% of posters on here! But in your shoes I’d not be doing another applicant for him after his reaction. Time he grew up anyway and did them himself.

Accessing his emails is the least of your worries here…

This a hundred times! Did you need another child to look after? Stop enabling him.

His reaction suggests he is stressed/on edge. he’s be getting this from me.

Dear DH,
I did not access your gmail account. As agreed I logged in to Indeed. This is linked to your email account as you are aware but it does not open it , so I don’t view any emails. I sent some job applications for you.

Please take a moment to step back and consider your reaction and the tone of the messages you sent to me.

Lets talk later as that way we can communicate more clearly and fairly. In the meantime, I will take a step back from helping you with the job search.

You should have asked but the level.of his reaction would make me wonder what he's hiding...

It is fine to proof read someone elses job applications or give them feedback/suggestions but it is going above and beyond to write the applications and send them off if you are not the person applying. He sounds incredibly ungrateful.

Whatever people say just in my opinion if two people are a team they always dip in and out of each other’s phones and computers, not checking up just looking at stuff for bills, ringing their phone to find it etc. I’d find it sad if someone had a reaction like that

Everyone is entitled to privacy, which is not the same as secrecy. I don't want my husband having access to my online shopping habit anymore than he wants me having access to all the political activities he is involved with. Not because there is anything to hide, but because it is nothing to do with the other. And quite a lot of his is confidential. Mine not so much.

Having to have access to all your spouse's private emails is a hugely controlling red flag issue. And if you think it will stop cheating or other dodgy activities, you are wrong. People can and will just set up another.

Considering he asked you to apply for jobs for him, which is unreasonable in itself, no, you are not wrong. He should be applying for jobs not off loading that on to you. His feelings now gives you a perfect reason to pass that responsibility back to him.

Stop fretting about the trivial issue of his Gmail password and start fretting instead about the fact that your husband is so lazy / incompetent that he can't even fill in an online form.

This is what he would get from me:

You ungrateful baggage. You can bloody well do your own job applications in future.

If he is a fully functioning adult he needs to sort out his own application not his p.a. He doesn't like his job? He needs to get his arse in gear and do something about it, stop enabling this nonsense OP, he needs to adult like an adult.
It never fails to amaze me that some peeps are sooo busy that they never have time to return a text or parent their own kid but can spend hours on socials and doing their 'hobby'.

I don't think someone deserves a job if they are so unmotivated or unskilled that they are unable to be bothered to fill in application forms or apply for jobs off their own steam. And have their Mrs do it for them.

Stop helping him. The lazy git needs to do his own job applications.

If he asked you to do the applications, and knows you are doing it, and asks you about them, how does he propose you do it without accessing his account?

Guilty conscience OP.

Tell him that's fine, from now on he can do his own shitty admin and apply for jobs himself like a bloody grown up! Honestly, what a man-baby 🙄

He should do his own applications.

In light of all your updates, YANBU.

Your partner sounds not very clued-up and not very respectful of you. I'd cool things off until he figures out that he owes you an apology.

I’m just wondering what will happen when he goes for the job interview - will he expect OP to do it instead?

What if they ask him questions about his application and he can’t answer because his mummy wife did it for him.

If he wanted a new job then he’d be spending every free minute he had looking and applying.
The fact that he isn’t suggests he’s not that bothered and it wouldn’t surprise me if OP did all this work for him to turn around and not bother attending the interviews.

I struggle to sympathise with OP though as I can’t help feeling she enjoys being a martyr - why else would you do it.