DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

Is he working full time or part time? Would reducing his hours allow him more time to recuperate without isolating him from work?

Would it be worth looking into Green Prescribing for your son? It's something I learned about during my RHS training, and the person gets a link worker who will oversee and support them during nature based activities (such as horticulture) designed to improve people's mental health and confidence.

'Green social prescribing is the practice of supporting people to engage in nature-based interventions and activities to improve their mental and physical health.'

This might be something your son would find therapeutic but which also might spark an interest in something he might like to pursue such as horticulture, which is good for mental health and might also be a good career path?

Are you a Christian, as your user name would suggest? If so, I suggest you read your post again and spend some time reflecting.

You are showing a clear lack of understanding and empathy towards a young man who is disabled and currently unwell. The benefit system is there to support people who are unable to work and it sounds like he has tried very hard to work but isn’t well enough at the moment. This isn’t a young person who is in perfect health and has never done a day’s work. He needs a break from working so that he or his mother don’t reach the stage of having a full MH crisis.

I really respect for your son for trying. So many people live off of (and exploit) the welfare system, yet your son, who clearly struggles, has been working and paying tax and contributing to society.

Work is pretty miserable for most people, but for someone with ASD and ADHD it is doubly hard. I hope he finds something that suits him.

What does your ds like doing? Working with animals? Playing computer games? Whatever it is, perhaps encourage him to follow that path, e.g. enrol on a course in his interest. He may be better suited to a quieter working environment not face to face which can be very stressful for someone with autism/ADHD. He may need to build up slowly and do things bit by bit, is he accessing support services at all? I know it's not easy, but keep perservering. He may find his way in the end.

The current situation is an absolute ticking timebomb isn't it. We cannot currently afford the numbers on benefits and not enough people working to support it. . However it does sound like this lad needs to claim for the time being.
The government seriously must push ahead with support for people in these circumstances. Intensive support to help them into a job they can mange and stay in longer term.

This is why AIBU isn’t the place for questions like this. People don’t have an understanding of Neurodiversity. So spout rubbish like this that you’re babying him. I hope you can get him through this period of burnout soon OP and he finds something that suits him when well enough.

It is when the person is autistic

My sympathy for you OP. You sound like an incredible parent for what it’s worth. You’re clearly wanting to do the best for your son, while he is struggling to operate in a world not designed for him.

Honestly sounds like he needs like 3-6 months proper rest. So on that basis yes I’d sign him up for benefits.

In that 3-6 month period you both need to create an employment strategy that’s going to stick. No more doing the same old thing over and over and somehow hoping somethings magically going to change- it’s not.

Get researching on suitable options for him. Good luck.

OP, sometimes we just have to accept that with the best will in the world, you cannot make something happen.

It cannot be the case that you are the main reason he's in work, it is more practical and better for you to let him fall off this particular cliff, and then, having surveyed the wreckage (and gone on UC, and had treatment for his anxiety) decide what to do next.

Get the book 'Let Them' and read that.

Mums can't just support people out of illness, trauma, MH conditions- people on Mumsnet often think if you just try harder, differently, more, then you will be able to solve your children's problems, but that's not always the case.

At the moment, the evidence is telling you he can't cope with work, you can't cope with him working and his work can't cope with him either which is why he always loses his job.

You need to listen to this, give him respite and get him on UC and support him to make a plan for himself.

For ND people, this can involve a different type of lifestyle than those traditionally provided for those without ND. He might flourish as a volunteer in a gardening space, set up for those with ND or other issues. He might do very well with others with ND. He might do better once his nervous system has calmed down as he can't live with that level of anxiety all the time. He might do better on a different medication such as Effexor which helps with anxiety as well as depression, and isn't a beta blocker and doesn't affect BP.

This is not the end of the road, it is a pause. See it as that, give him a big hug and allow him and you to take stock and rest for a while whilst you think up Plan B.

If he’s in burnout and doesn’t need the income it’d be legitimate to take a break from work for a few months to recuperate however he would want to avoid having a large gap on his CV. When he returns to work he should start with part time and ideally a less triggering (calmer, quieter, more routine) environment. I would expect a substantial amount of his PIP and income to go towards therapy and work coaching, and for him to dedicate himself to finding strategies that work for him to manage his stress levels and wellbeing. It’s an investment that will pay off over the years. Does he have any interests that could lead to employment?

I’ve been there at that age. Undiagnosed ASD, unmedicated anxiety, working unskilled jobs. I had to work because I had no backup plan. My country had no program that I could use. I sobbed in my car. Sometimes I sobbed at work.

I don’t know what your son should do in the short term. I do know that in the long term he needs to get training or education that matches him to a career that works for his personality. Everything you describe is person facing with quick tasks and ever changing interactions. It is an ASD nightmare.

@HereintheloveofChristIstand

I’ve paid in for 40 years. Happy to support any person like this.

Also you are supporting my Audhd dd. And the fact that this pisses you off makes me very happy. 👌

The reason I don't think he will end up as an unemployment statistic in his bedroom is he's had 9 jobs. He's not lazy and he's not avoiding life. He's trying his very best to live a 'normal' life but it's not happening right now and that's ok. The best thing for him will be to take time off sick (on UC) and then work towards doing other activities or work over the years. I feel sure he won't end up a statistic, he has motivation but struggles- once the struggles are addressed more fully, his motivation will still be there.

I think you need to scale it back and help him find a part-time role that he can stick at while he builds his confidence and gets used to adult life.
Dropping out of work completely is likely to make him retreat further and forever think he isn’t able to work. Then he’ll get stuck in a rut.

As someone with Asperger’s who had horrendous depression and anxiety at that age, for which I was on medication for, I pushed on, with much pushing from my parents! If I’d have been allowed to hide away, I’d have never got myself together.
My twenties were so unbelievably hard and anxiety inducing, but it was the decade that I grew up and figured out how I could adapt to the world.

I think ND people kind of have to accept that they are going to have a real struggle on their hands for a while, but it’s sort of crucial to finding your way.

I'd also say my ND daughter nearly had a nervous breakdown working in a customer facing role, she now works part-time in a specialist area on a one-to-one basis, and earns more and is doing great. It's just one of those things, not everyone is able to do everything, being around people or working in a fast-paced role like in a cafe isn't a skill given to everyone, others thrive in it.

FFS. There is no medication for autism!

(There are meds for ADHD, but that's to manage symptoms, and does not "cure" ADHD or anxiety or autistic burnout)

There is for anxiety though.

No, but there are medications for anxiety and depression.

It is a known fact that a lot of AuDHD do not respond well to anti depressants - they wont even try with my young adult due to the possible affects on the neural pathways.
He may be entitled to UC but he may also be entitled to LCW or LCWRA which can be paid alongside working but also when not able to work. Full term -Limited Capability for Work and Related Activity
Unfortunately a lot of people will not understand what this is like to live with day to day or the effects on the AuDHD person

Can you contact your local council and ask if they have a supported employment service within adult social care who could support him into an appropriate role or employer ?
and also see if they have a mental health reablement team who support people with MH difficulties with daily life skills, activities etc?
these might provide him with some non family support which would in turn help you.

I think you've been quite rude there to a poster asking a simple question.

And you twisted their words because they did not suggest there was a 'cure'.

Honestly, there are enough nasty and rude people here you could rightfully be having a go at, without having a go at well meaning posters asking a simple question.

I was going to suggest volunteering too. I'd recommend UC though, simply because he needs money coming in. It will give you both some breathing space. If he could work from home PT, that might be ideal. If he also continued to volunteer this would stop him being isolated. After so many upsets he needs his confidence building.

@dswork We are in a similar situation here. Ds has worked seasonally. So he finished in November and will be back in February. It's not a permanent solution. He needed a break, ideally not as long but he definitely would have burned out. Im hoping a reset will work for him. We support him financially until he goes back to work. Im hoping this year he will build on it and do a course or find another part time job for the winter months. He has asd too.
Maybe a part time job would work? A few hours per day or 3 days a week?