DS 20 not coping with work - get him to claim UC?

[dswork]

DS 20 has ASD and ADHD. Since 18 he has had multiple jobs and not coped with any in any form. FT, PT, retail, hospitality, admin etc etc.

Every job requires me to support him SO much. I have to help him get ready, deal with panic attacks and anxiety daily. Call in when he can’t leave the house, drop him off and pick him up and through every shift offer support with calls and messages when he has to take breaks . I’m exhausted and he just can’t seem to cope.

He gets PIP. Do I suggest to him that he puts a claim in for UC? To have a temporary break from working as it really doesn’t seem to be working out at all? The GP is supportive as says the stress and anxiety for DS is so high that he’s in burnout.

It sounds like he hasn't found the right job and people yet. There are some highly structured, SEND friendly highly supervised apprenticeships out there. Loca councils usually have help to work people who can advise on this for people with diagnoses like your son. You might need tolet him rest, tell him we're having a six week break like the school holidays then we need to try again, because I know you can do it with the right help. You might need to start very small and easy to rebuild confidence.

For yourself OP, have a look at the S.P.A.C.E programme,it's a bit like NVR but for parents of young people with anxiety -its putting boundaries in so they still feel supported but their anxiety isn't controlling you too.

This must be so difficult for you both.

Do you (or he) have access to any kind of counselling & therapeutic support? Could the anxiety be separated from the AuADHD a little?

It sounds like he needs a proper break from external demands, but maybe that needs to be a month at a time, with achievable & productive goals (eg take responsibility for taking a daily shower & walking outside for an hour daily) with appropriate counselling or CBT or therapy for his anxiety, so he doesn't see himself as a failure.

Then maybe volunteering work - even just 2 hours a week, maybe working in a really kind nurturing environment? With a charity sorting clothes with lots of older volunteers who can treat hm like a son IYSWIM? or a "Man's Shed" type place where they'll treat him gently, like they're his grandfathers.

Or would something really knackeringly physical for a day a week help him?

It's a matter of routines and feeling secure I suppose, but also, thinking of others, or doing something tough physically, rather then churning things over in one's head to the point of panic attacks, might be therapeutic in itself.

And volunteering work will give him some pride that he is contributing. It's terrible for any 20 year old not to participate & contribute, but we might have to channel Mao here: "From each according to his abilities; to each according to his needs."

Good luck

That is s really tough. I admire your son for trying so hard.Because the employment he is currently in is damaging his mental health he should give it up. Health is the most important thing we have.

I am not suggesting that he gives up daily activity though. There are other things he could explore with help from disability employment services.

Have you explored Social Firms which provide care and support in the working environment? I helped to set one up some time ago and it enabled people with significant mental health problems to rebuild their confidence and work.

Have you looked into this?

https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work

Agree with this. OP try to continue supporting your son to be part of the world, not withdraw from it. Help him build resilience. He will have a far happier life in the long-term and better health outcomes. We all want to protect our DC but sometimes they need a push as well. It's great he's been working, don't let him feel he's not able to work just because he's not quite found a workplace that suits him. Maybe he could do some training instead to develop some practical skills, it's not all just about academia.

How can you say this as a blanket statement? They seem to really help me with sensory overload and general energy levels so I am less likely to fall into a burnout type state. They also really help my son cope with the general overwhelm of school so that he doesn't end up constantly dysregulated which makes everything impossible. Now, granted neither of us have an autism diagnosis but the evidence does lean that way particularly in DS2's case.

There is every chance they could be part of the solution for OP's son, and no reason to write them off without even trying it.

I'm so sorry. My husband and I are both neurodivergent and despite working until very recently (in my 40s), it really did feel too much for me a lot of the time! My husband is a business owner which has bought him flexibility but burnout is real and I would say he hasn't fully recovered from autistic burnout/a break down which happened two or three years ago now.

sorry, none of that is helpful for you but just wanted to say I get it and yes, I would see if he can get UC to give him some respite from work.

i will say though that once he has had a rest and is recovering from burnout, he needs to make a plan going forward.

What an absolutely moronic statement

Has he ever been on ADHD medication? I would consider this before anti depressants. People I know have been put on antidepressants before discovering actually they have ADHD and then prescribed adhd meds which made the world of difference.
The anti depressants didn't work or made things worse.

Mine responded really well. Life changing. It seems a shame not to try.

Sertraline increases Dopamine.

Contact your local council, most, if not all, have schemes to support disabled people be matched with the right job. They help with applications, getting reasonable adjustments and learning strategies to cope with work. I wouldn't discourage work, it can be so beneficial for people's wellbeing when they have the right role.

??? Mines ASD. Anti depressants helped enormously.

I think its clear that your son needs a break... work isn't working for him whilst he is in this heightened state of anxiety. I think the plan should be to go back to the GP and work through how you can manage his anxiety. Let him take a break from work to rest and recover... but with ground rules (asking him to get up, make his bed, have a shower, do some chores in the house etc) This will help him to have a routine and some daily purpose whilst he figures out what is next. Wishing you all the best.

It does sound like he needs a break but also that there needs to be a plan for what is next otherwise, time drags on and before you both know it any attempt to venture into the world again feels impossible and he's stuck in a very small, stagnant life. Ideally there would be proper support for your son but often the official support via the job centre is punitive and does more harm than good so it probably does fall to you to try and help him or perhaps look for charities that might be able to support him. Would he consider a collage course?

wtf? Ofc they will

When you go to UC meetings maybe ask if there are any persons available who are specialists with ND people. My son got appointed one who was exceptionally helpful to understanding his needs.

OP I dont have autism but honestly, I found hospitality and retail jobs pretty stressful because people get arsey about things you cant fix, there's quite often time pressure and you're just meeting stranger after stranger but never really "know" your customers. I can see why someone with autism would find it doubly so. Feel free to ignore this but a young man I recently met with autism and mutism is working successfully as a plasterer. He cant be self-employed but he works for a guy who arranges it all and deals with the customer and then he just does the actual work alongside him, but he seemed to be coping with that- possibly because it's reasonably predictable and not much interaction required and you're working alongside someone you get to know? Maybe something to consider for the future because it's pretty well paid and always demand for good ones.

Would maybe something different like gardening or greenkeeping work? Where he could have a bit more solitude and autonomy?

Has he ever been assessed to determine what work is most appropriate for him. Retail and Hospitality are not the best fit for someone with Autism. I would get him to sign on as unemployed and see if the job centre can refer him anywhere for assessment and maybe some job skills training. My son is ASD and I’ve had years of problems trying to get him work. He finally did an electrical apprenticeship and has been in work since.

If he has to leave work for now due to ill health, which could be related to his disability - and sounds like your GP will support this - definitely claim for UC and also put in a claim for Limited Capacity for Work / Related Activity. I think there's a waiting period until that can be paid but if awarded he'll get some financial support but more importantly I think for your situation, he won't be expected to look for work during the period he's awarded and can use the time to hopefully feel better and figure out what kind of work is going to be sustainably doable for him. That might be part-time, low-stress work, and that's fine, his long-term health and your well-being need to come first. Good luck.

Also...Citizens Advice benefits advice line is helpful and non-judgmental (not that there's anything here to judge!).

OK, so I am one of the posters who others love to hate. I can cope with that, ho hum. However, I stand by what I have said. Neither statements were intended to be cruel or judgmental.

Just to put my cards on the table, until my fairly recent retirement, I was a senior teacher in a SEMH 11-18 school. I do know a bit about the subject, my students and their carers. I do recognise that most of the posts here are anecdotal, and quite a few irresponsible, IMO.

The OP has given very little information here. She and her DS are both , being the main thrust. Numerous posters have asked what he is good at, what he likes, and if he has thought about working outside. All good questions.

Doing nothing all day will help noone, especially not DS. If he gives up work, it has to be to do something different, maybe of his own design. Life is about taking risks, and everyone suffers some anxiety when they have a change. Most people are tired, or even exhausted, after a day of work and commuting. These effects are not limited to ND people.

From the scarce amount of information here, I would suggest that DS feels a bit of a failure at life. He hasn't achieved any academic success at school, and can't find a job that works for him. He is now struggling with the notion of daily routines. He will be well aware that his parents are struggling too, so will feel guilty. His peer group will be miles ahead.

Might I suggest that any break from work includes a little holiday together, where he can get away from home, do interesting things that he can't really fail at. He will be able to see that there is more to life than the four walls of his room.

At home, he needs to have time out of his room. He should be helping in the house, doing chores, preparing meals for the family, cleaning family areas, on a rota. Every small thing will be something that he achieves - even if it's just making his bed (a good way to start the day on a plus).

Mum needs to stop enabling him. Caring does not mean enabling. Caring means helping him to fulfil his potential.

OK, so I am one of the posters who others love to hate.

Oh get over yourself, talk about main character energy 🙄

And the only 'irresponsible' post was yours.

Sounds like he needs more than a gp help. I.e. general practicioner is general. Try sprecialist and other meds....get a referral. Maybe his meds are just not right for him (they arent doing much for him sounds like). He needs firm support to get on track to feel better and be able to function although work may still be inappropriate for him.

I was also a senior teacher in a secondary school school for 30 years. I also have an AUDHD daughter.

The boy needs a break. Schools and teachers know NOTHING about ASD burnout. I’d never heard of it and DD’s school had never heard of it. Until it happened to her.

In fact in my bitter experience a teacher is one of the least qualified to commmet. They fucked dd up completely to the point of self harming.